Disrepair
by chy3
Summary: She had the perfect life, job, and husband with a baby on the way. One singular moment took it all away. She's consumed by her depression, barely afloat. Amidst tragedy, one singular moment brings someone new. Will it bring hope? Full Sum inside. AH - B/E
1. Chapter 1 Heaven

**Full Summary:** Disrepair -noun, The condition of being worn out or in poor working order; a condition requiring repairs.

She had the perfect life. Perfect Job. Perfect house. Perfect husband and a baby on the way. She had it all. That is, until one singular moment took it all away...

Consumed by depression and barely afloat by great efforts from her closest friends. Afraid to let anyone in, throwing her entire being into her work.

After years of numbness she is thrust back into the land of the living by one singular moment. Amidst chaos and barely escaping death by the skin of her teeth thanks to the efforts of a local doctor.

It was only a matter of time before her job proved just how dangerous it is.

One singular moment where chaos and confusion strike the city square and innocent bystanders are struck in the cross fire. This moment brings two people together to save those helpless. Can what transpires after give Bella hope and a second chance? And is Edward capable of doing such a thing?

AU/AH First couple chapter pairings are Bella/Jacob eventual Bella/Edward, OOC

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**A/N: **This chapter has been edited and slightly revised. Nothing significant has been added, just a few words and such.

This is a one hundred percent human story. Some of this is even for me to live vicariously through for a while. I will be majoring in the same things Bella is, going into the exact same career.

**NOTE: **If you are sensitive to depression, or topics associated with it, or thoughts of suicide do not read this story. Do not put me down or chew me out about it. I do have first hand personal experience with all the above. Though I don't know how detailed it might get I am warning you ahead of time that you may not like it. In the event of this I will post it before the chapter and if you chose not to read it I will send you a summary of the chapter in a PM.

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own Twilight. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I just play with her toys.**

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Chapter 1 - Heaven

I sat at the kitchen table eating my routine breakfast of eggs and toast with a glass of orange juice. Jake came up behind me kneeling down to my level, as he was much taller than I. His strong arms wrapped around my mid-section, wide hands traveling over my ever growing stomach lovingly, causing the baby to kick as if knowing its daddy was right there. Laying my fork down on the plate I rested my hands on top of his as he rubbed my stomach.

Jacob Black. My husband of two years. Best friend for ten. And the father to my unborn baby.

We had met freshman year of high school here in Phoenix, Arizona. It was lucky for me that he was around to catch me, as I have the habitual tendency to be clumsy and fall at the most random of times. We have been best friends ever since. Totally inseparable.

Friendship turned to dating, which became a serious relationship, then love and evolved into a marriage, with our first baby on the way.

"Ready to find out what the sex of the baby is," he asked in a subdued voice, fitting for the relaxed and peaceful atmosphere of the room.

I sighed, my head falling back gently onto his shoulder, our hands still rubbing lovingly over my stomach. "Hopefully the baby will cooperate so we can finally see. I'd really like to know."

"I hear ya, Bells." Jake's head swiveled around to kiss me tenderly on the cheek before he stood to make himself breakfast.

"What time do you want to leave the house?"

"Well since we will have to drive through the lunch rush traffic we should probably leave an hour ahead of time," I replied.

After finishing up breakfast Jake and I moved to the living room to watch some TV and relax. He always took the day off on the days that I have my OB/GYN appointments. Always saying, "I wouldn't miss for the sake of the world, Bells," whenever I informed him of the next date to visit with the doc. True to his word, he hadn't missed a single one yet.

Jake sat on the couch, turning on the cushion to rest his back against the arm-rest. I sat between his legs, laying with my back to his chest. This was our usual position and our hands automatically went to caress my stomach feeling for the movement of our baby.

I love and cherish times like these when we can relax and just entirely enjoy our time together before the little one arrives. Undoubtedly once he or she was here we won't get many opportunities to ourselves. Which was fine by me, I wouldn't give it up for anything.

I fell asleep as I mused over our life together.

Jake and I had always had a plan for life. First it started as two separate paths, but as we grew closer and our relationship become more heavily rooted together as our paths merged to one. I still remember, to this the day, the pact that we made so we could keep each other on track.

_School let out a couple hours ago and, like normal, Jake and I sat in my room doing our homework. We often talked of the future, so it was no surprise when the topic came up again._

_I decided it was time to make a pact. Throwing down my pencil I looked up at Jake. "I have a proposition," I blurted._

_He looked at me in confusion from my left-field comment. "And just what would that be?"_

_"__I just thought that since we talk about our future all the time, that we should make a pact. This way we can't get off track. I'll make sure you do everything you said you want to do and you'll do the same for me."_

_"__I like that Bells! So how are we going to do this. Do we prick our finger or something?"_

_"__Ew, Jake, no! Why would we do that, you know my problem with blood." He chuckled. I didn't find it funny, I had passed out way too many times from the sight and smell of blood. I can even smell it across the room! _

_I got woozy just thinking about it. _

_"__I was kidding. Kind of. Well this was your idea so you should start explaining right?"_

_"__Right. Okay." I paused to pick up my pencil again and my note book to write all this down. "We will write down everything we would like to accomplish in the next ten years. Then we will sign it. Forever binding us to the pact."_

_"__Okay okay. This is excellent. You wanna start first?" I shrugged. "Kay I'll go. I want to graduate from high school of course." I wrote that down as he continued, "College. Majoring in…hmm…accounting. Since I like working with numbers. Start a career with my degree. Get married." My heart skipped a beat. Was he planning on marrying me? This has never been something we'd talked about. But, I kind of liked the idea. I'd have to bring this up to him later. "Then I would like to get a house. Followed by kids. You get all that down Bells?"_

_"__Yup! Okay my turn. Graduate high school. College majoring in Law Enforcement. Start a career as a Probation Officer." Deciding to drop a hint, subtly showing him my approval of marriage, "Marry a handsome man." Jake beamed. "Buy my dream house where I can raise kids."_

_"__That's great Bells!" I smiled wide at his approval. "So now what do we do?"_

_"__We are going to sign this and then I am going to put it in a safe place where we won't lose it."_

Jake gently nudged me from my dream a few minutes before we needed to leave. "You ready sleepy head?" I could hear the smile in his voice from his amusement over my constant drowsy state. I don't know why he teases me about it, he would be tired too if he was creating a life for nine months.

"Yeah," I yawned. "Just give me a couple minutes."

"Sure, sure."

I rose carefully from the couch with a little help from Jake since I couldn't do it on my own anymore.

After emptying my bladder for the fiftieth time, I walked back to the kitchen to grab my purse. Jake was already waiting for me, the keys jingling from his hand.

He gripped my tiny hand in his massive paw and we exited into the garage. We walked around to the passenger side where Jake helped maneuver me into the seat and quietly shut the door for me. He lightly jogged back around to the drivers side, started the car and opened the garage door.

Within forty minutes we arrived at the doctors office, checked in with reception, and took a couple seats in the lobby waiting anxiously to be called back.

"Isabella Black?"

Jake helped me up and we followed the nurse into the exam room.

"Alright, I think you know the drill by now, but in case not; remove your shirt and put on the gown, then make your self comfortable on the bed while you wait for your doctor to come in. Okay?"

I smiled a little, none to pleased about the gown and bed being "comfortable."

"Okay," I replied back to her.

After I changed, Jake helped me climb onto the exam table. A few minutes later my doctor came in.

"Hello Bella. How are you feeling," Dr. Gracey asked.

"I'm tired." We all laughed at my expense.

"That's normal. So you are twenty six weeks now. The last stretch of this pregnancy. Are you excited?"

"Yes!" Jake and I said together, causing us all to laugh again.

"Definitely nervous though. We are hoping the baby will let us see what it is!" I continued.

"It's normal to be nervous, too. Let me go grab the equipment and we will check on the little one," she said and we nodded in understanding.

Jake took my hand in his, and his other hand attached itself to my stomach, making a gentle circular rubbing motion.

Dr. Gracey came back in the room pulling the sonogram cart behind her. My hold on Jake's hand tightened in anticipation.

The doctor took a seat on the rolling chair beside the table, turning on the machine.

"Okay Bella, this will be a bit cold," she warned as she squirted the blue gel onto my abdomen. Even though I knew it would be cold I still flinched anyways.

She ran the Doppler across my belly, and settled on an area around the baby's head before moving lower. I was in awe as she passed over the features of our baby. The sounds of its' little heartbeat filling the room.

"Aha! There we go! The baby is cooperating today. You two have any guesses?" Dr. Gracey turned to look at us with a smile on her face.

"It's a boy. I'm certain," Jake said immediately. I had to disagree with him though.

"No, it's a girl," I countered. Dr. Gracey just smiled, not giving anything away. She went back to looking at the screen to determine the baby's sex.

"Okay… Looks like we have a…" She paused and looked back at us with another big smile. She was teasing us and I knew it. "Bella, Jake was correct. You're having a boy!"

"Woohoo!" Jake yelled, throwing his arms into the air and doing fist pumps like a mad man. I was shocked. I'd thought for sure it was a girl. _Oh well._ I was happy all the same. I smiled wide right along with him. "I'm gonna have a son! I can't believe it. Thank you, Bells! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." He pressed his forehead to mine and gave me a chaste but passionate kiss.

By now I had tears in my eyes.

"Congratulations you two. I'll leave you to clean up and redress." Dr. Gracey left the room quickly, leaving us to celebrate privately.

I cleaned the gel off my skin and put my shirt back on. Still sitting on the table, Jake leant down wrapping his arms around my upper body and I brought my own arms around his neck burrowing my face into his neck. Silent, happy tears streamed down my face at a steady rate.

I couldn't believe we're going to have boy! Thrilled wouldn't describe how I felt. I didn't think any words could ever possibly describe it.

"Let's get home Bells." Jake eased me off the table. Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, we walked back to the receptionist to schedule our next appointment.

Neither Jake or I could wipe the grins off our faces, garnering strange looks from people as we walked to the lift. But we didn't care. Nothing could rain on our parade.

Exiting the elevator, we walked to the car. Jake opened the door for me again but stopped me before I could clumsily climb in. I looked at him confused.

He pulled me into a tight hug, filled with all the love I knew he had for me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and stood as close to him as I could manage with the baby in between us.

The baby gave a strong kick making Jake jump a little from being kicked in the stomach himself causing us to chuckle.

"Thank you so much, Bella. Thank you for everything you are doing for us. For putting your career on hold to carry the baby. For carrying the baby. For giving me a son. For being my wife. I love you so much. Thank you."

Those silent tears decided to come back full force again. "Thank you Jake. For everything as well. I love you too."

Pulling back a little, Jake took my face between his two paws, tilting my face for a kiss. It was filled with passion, adoration, love, joy and others I couldn't quite identify. More tears spilled down my cheeks from the intensity of the emotions that flowed between us.

Our baby flittered around again, reminding us of his presence, and causing us to chuckle once more before we broke apart.

We got in the car to drive back home. Unable to contain the news any longer I dialed the first person on the list.

"Hey Bella! You having a boy or a girl?"

"Anxious, are we, mom?" I chuckled, before continuing. "We're having a boy!"

"Oh that's wonderful! Phil! Bella's having a boy!" I heard Phil in the background yelling, "Woohoo!"

Sometimes the similarities between Jake and him freaked me out. And they weren't even related!

I called my two best friends next, killing two birds with one stone since they still lived together.

The phone rang once before Alice picked up.

"Boy or girl!" Alice shrieked. I had to pull the phone away from my ear to avoid going deaf.

"Whoa, jeez! Calm down there. Is Rose there, too?"

"Yeah, yeah she's right here. I'll put the phone on speaker." I heard movement on the other end, which I assumed was Alice moving the phone to the table.

When I knew they were situated I continued excitedly.

"We're having a boy!"

"A BOY!" They screamed in unison. "Congrats! We can't wait to go shopping. In fact we are going right now."

Next I called my brother, Emmett, and my father, Charlie. They were thrilled to have a nephew and grandson and I was thrilled that I could give that joy to them.

So far today had been perfect. I couldn't ask for more. I was definitely in _heaven_.

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**A/N: **What do you think? Be honest. I like honesty. Next chapter is titled Hell.

While you are waiting for the next update, send me a review, save this as your favorite story, add it to story alerts, refer this story to others, and check out my other story _In The Ruins._

Reviews often get you previews. *hint hint* Later!


	2. Chapter 2 Hell

**A/N: **Chapter 2! This is the beginning where the whole catalyst of the story happens. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine. It belongs only to Stephenie Meyer. I simply play with her toys.**

My awesome Beta: **Tima83**

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Chapter 2 - Hell

In anticipation of learning the sex of the baby, Jake and I had bought pink and blue paints. So after we arrived back home from the appointment we went straight to work. Well, Jake did. He refused to let me help. He said, "Not with the fumes, Bells. No way am I letting you help. Just go take a nap."

I did just that, I took a nap.

I woke a few hours later, after dreaming of what our baby would look like, and went to find my husband.

To my great surprise the nursery was already painted. All the furniture and decorations were put in their rightful spots as well. _I guess I slept longer than I thought._

"Jake, how did you get all this done so fast?" I was in complete awe and incredibly grateful of him.

He sat in the rocking chair by the window and motioned for me to join him. I wobbled over and sat on his lap as we rocked together. Our hands immediately went to their spot again, rubbing our little boy.

"I am just that awesome." He chuckled somewhat smugly.

"Yeah right. You wish," I teased.

"What should we name him, Bells?"

"Hmm…I don't know. What do you think?"

We sat in thought for a few minutes. You would think that we'd have talked about this forever ago, but we didn't want to decide before we knew whether we were having a boy or girl first.

"How about Logan?"

"No."

"Ryan?"

"No."

"Jayden?"

"Yes! I like that, Jake. Jayden it is."

We spent the rest of the evening relaxing on the couch watching mindless TV while eating Chinese take-out, since I had a serious craving for it.

Later that night I climbed into bed, laying on my side. Jake slid behind me, wrapping his arm around my mid-section.

We fell asleep quickly, both of us spent from all the activities and excitement of the day.

I dreamt more of our baby, wondering whose personality and characteristics he would have. Would he look more like Jake, or me? Would he be an introvert like me or and extravert like his daddy?

In my dream, he looked like his father. As a toddler, I could see him being tall and lanky. He would have black hair and a smile that would break hearts in a second. Soulful eyes that went on for miles…

My dream was cut short by the piercing screams of the smoke alarms blaring all throughout the house.

I shot up from the bed in a panic. "Jake!"

"Bella!"

He copied my movements once the situation registered with him.

We rushed out of the room and into the hallway but stopped short when we noticed that the walls were on fire. My hands automatically went to my stomach to protect my baby futilely.

Taking over the situation Jake grabbed one of my hands and dragged me to the stairs, breaking me from my stunned stupor.

The flames licked angrily up the walls and railings. _Everything was on fire!_

We moved as fast as we could down the stairs and headed towards the front door. Before we could reach it, wood from above crashed to the floor, closing the door off.

Jake jerked me in the other direction suddenly and a searing pain ripple across my abdomen, stopping me dead in my tracks. I cried out in agony and crumpled to the ground clutching my belly.

"BELLA!"

I looked down seeing blood seep through my panties and pajamas. I couldn't move, but I knew I had to. Jake pulled me up from the floor and carried most of my weight to our last exit. Our last chance of escaping.

Jake opened the door and pushed me ahead of him.

I didn't get far before there was a loud explosion that sent me flying through the air and into the lawn. I landed feet first, then my stomach, followed by the rest of my body and ending with my head thwacking onto the hard surface.

I saw only black after that. I couldn't hear a thing, nor could I feel anything.

I don't know how much longer, but I finally came to again as pain shot through my leg, stomach and head. Warmth trickled from my hair and from between my legs.

Quickly I rolled onto my back, searching frantically for Jake while I clutched my unborn baby. I couldn't find him anywhere and I could feel the baby's distress.

I looked up and found that the house was completely engulfed in flames. I couldn't see anything clearly, my vision becoming hazy.

I knew Jake was still inside. Something in my gut knew that I would never see him ever again.

Still clutching my middle my head sagged and I sobbed.

I began to get light headed and tired. Every sound started to become distant.

The voices of people frantically screaming incoherent words was the last I heard as I drooped to my side and succumbed to the darkness that threatened to overtake me.

**…**

"Bella?" The noise was muddled and dreamlike, but it was the first I had heard in a while. Somehow I knew a great deal of time had passed.

"Bella?" The voice again. It was a bit louder and I could make it out better.

"Bella? …Wake up…Open your eyes." I wanted to obey the female's voice, but I couldn't. I tried. My body just wouldn't concentrate. It felt as if I was trapped inside the darkness and I couldn't feel anything. There were no sensations.

No touch.

No smell.

_Nothing…_

The sound of the woman's voice remained distant and seemed like it was coming in and out of focus.

I knew that once I woke up I would have to face reality. I couldn't remember what that reality was, though I knew it was terrible. So, I clung tighter to the numbness out of fear. I wasn't ready to face things yet.

"Come on, Bella." Another female voice. I could tell from the slightly different pitch.

"Wake up, honey." This time the first female spoke. There was an air of familiarity to these two voices. I just couldn't place it.

I felt so conflicted between wanting to obey and wake up for them or staying in the darkness where I couldn't feel anything, just so I could avoid everything.

I just wasn't ready to face anything yet.

Slowly the darkness began to lift and sensations became noticeable. I could faintly feel my body again. My hearing became more focused as other sounds began to trickle into my consciousness.

The whooshing sound of the air conditioner, the steady beeping of a machine, the clicking sound of something else, doors opening and closing, the clacking of a keyboard, a chair scraping across the hard floor…

"Bella, wake up." This voice was new but familiar like the other two.

The darkness continued to fade and I found that I couldn't hold onto it anymore. Though I tried. I tried with everything in me. It only slipped through my grasp like water.

My heart pounded with the knowledge of my slipping darkness. Fear seeped into my spine, pumping through my veins like the venom of a snake.

The beeping sound I heard, increased in pace and became irregular.

"She'll be waking up any moment. Bella? Can you open your eyes for me?" This voice was male, one I knew I had never heard before.

I didn't want to obey him. I wanted to shake my head in defiance. I wanted to scream at him for trying to make me do something I didn't feel ready for.

I just wanted peaceful oblivion back. I _craved_ the numbness it brought me.

"Bella, please wake up." It was the first voice. The sadness in her voice tugged at my heart strings. No matter how much I thirsted for the darkness I still didn't want to be the cause of that familiar voice's pain.

I searched my body, trying to find the strength to open my eyes. It was hard and it hurt but they fluttered open.

Nothing was clear everything blurry but extremely bright, causing me to squeeze them shut reflexively.

I opened them again, trying to adjust to the lights and blink away the blurriness.

I was able to adjust the light for the most part but everything was still blurry and it gave me a headache. I could make out four figures standing above me and I wished I could see well enough to tell who they are.

"Hey Bella! Happy to see you awake. I'm Dr. Cullen. You have a breathing tube in so you won't be able to talk. Instead I want you nod and shake your head in response okay?" I was slow to understand what the doctor said but nodded when I finally did. "Do you know where you are?" I nodded. "Good. You are in the ICU. Do you know why you're here?" I shook my head no.

Sobs erupted from the other side of the room and I turned in the direction of the sound. I desperately wanted to know who it was that was there with me. I could tell I knew them, but I couldn't figure out _who_ they were.

"I am going to run some quick tests okay?" I nodded after I understood what he said. "Can you wiggle your toes for me?" Again it took me a while before what he said made sense, and then it took more time before I could find the appropriate response to his question.

After a minute I could feel my toes wriggle.

"Good job, Bella. Now squeeze my hand as tight as you can." I was delayed again and it made me incredibly frustrated with the time it took to respond. "Lift your left arm…now your right…and your left leg… Good. How is your vision? Can you see?" I nodded. "Is it blurry?" I nodded again in confirmation. "Is the room too bright for you?" I nodded. To my great relief, the lights were turned down for me.

Unfortunately, the doctor decided to shine a light in my eyes next.

"Alright follow my finger with just your eyes the best you can. If you can't see my finger follow my hand." I did as instructed and followed the blob I assumed to be his hand. When the doctor seemed to be done I motioned with my hands for a pen and paper.

I wrote as legibly as I could, seeing as that things were blurry, and the doctor confirmed what I wrote. "Who is here?" I nodded.

The three figures that had stepped away without me noticing earlier came back into my view.

Directly to my right I heard a soft and sweet voice say, "Honey, it's your mom." I furrowed my brow a little until recognition dawned and I nodded my head.

The figure to my mom's right answered next. "I'm your best friend, Alice."

And the last said, "I'm your best friend Rosalie."

I wished I could say 'hello' to them, instead I lifted my hand a little and wriggled my fingers in greeting, hopefully conveying that, even with a great deal of effort, I recognized them.

I had completely forgotten about my pencil and paper, so as quick as possible, I wrote that I knew who they were. Everyone of them sighed and relaxed. I assumed with a great deal of relief.

I scribbled my next question. "Why am I here? What happened?"

This time the doctor answered my queries. "You have suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury. Otherwise known as a TBI. As a result of this injury you fell into a coma lasting two weeks, half of which was induced. That was we could allow you to heal. Along with the TBI you acquired various other injuries, which is why you are experiencing the symptoms that you are."

That still didn't answer my other question, so I underlined it a couple times. "I want to wait to see if it comes back to you. You are suffering from memory loss that I believe is due to the TBI. Jogging your memory too soon can be harmful. Let's wait and see what happens."

I wasn't happy about it but I went along with it anyway. Something told me I didn't want to know and that he was right, I wasn't ready yet.

I scribbled, "What are my other injuries?"

The doctor sighed and answered with a bit of reserve, "Your right leg is broken. We had to place a rod to help you heal. You have first, second and some slight third degree burns scattering across your back. You have a mild concussion, also some minor cuts and bruises. You ended up needing eighteen stitches to close up some of the more serious wounds." He paused for a moment. "You will recover nicely I'm sure." He was holding something back. There was something he wasn't telling me and I couldn't figure out what it might be.

I nodded to him, telling him that I understood.

"I'll be back in a bit to check on you." Dr. Cullen left the room closing the door softly on his way out.

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**A/N: **

What ya think? Like it? Love it? Let me know.

I do not have a medical degree. Everything mentioned in this chapter is just my inference from research and the little training I've had.

If you've ever been knocked out you'll recognize some things. I've been knocked out a few times (I have a hazardous job). So I took my experiences from Martial Arts and used it to my advantage in this chapter. A knock out can last as little as a couple seconds, and that's what happened to Bella. In my cases, I was knocked out and lost all sensation and ability to control my own body but a few seconds later I regained it. In my second knock out I managed to stay standing cause my body locked up and I came to in time to stumble out of the fighting ring.

Bella was out for about 10 seconds. And since swelling doesn't occur quite instantly, I think it's possible that she would fall prey to a coma a minute later. BUT I don't know, I'm not an expert.

Blah blah blah... I'll stop rambling now!

Review?

Fic Rec!

**Family of Perfection **by **DazzlinSparkle05** - I just picked up and read this and I absolutely fell in love with it! I figured you would like it too.


	3. Chapter 3 Hollow

This chapter is mostly a filler. But there is some important character development going on so don't skip it! We'll meet some of our other characters and put a little personality to them. This is the build up to the Bella we'll be dealing with for quite some time. Hopefully you will notice the little tiny changes that she makes in this chapter.

Enjoy!

(NOTICE! THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN EDITED AND REVISED. IF YOU HAVE READ THIS CHAPTER BEFORE READ IT AGAIN. SOME THINGS HAVE CHANGED.)

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT. Any product, setting, etc., is purely coincidental and all credit goes to those who own it.**

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Chapter 3 - Hollow

I felt hollow. Like something was missing. As if _more than one _thing was missing. I couldn't place it, however. I still didn't know how I ended up in the hospital. All I knew was that I'd received some pretty severe injuries from whatever happened.

"Hey, Bella." I felt my mom, who I recognized from the tone of voice, grab my hand. "I love you."

She shook violently with sobs. I desperately wanted to comfort her and slowly the signal to squeeze her hand reached my fingers. The only way I could say it back to her right now was with touch - I contracted my fingers three times conveying, "I love you, too."

My moms form became bigger and oddly shaped and I quickly realized that Rosalie and Alice stood to comfort her where I couldn't. I felt like such a horrible daughter.

"We're so happy that your okay. I don't know what we would have done if we would've lost you."

Silently I cried, blurring my vision even more than it already was.

The four of us cried together for a while - sticky trails of salt water rushing down our faces. My tears were for the three people here hurting over me.

After the tears died down we sat in contemplative silence. Much to my relief my vision slowly became less and less blurry as time went on. Taking it to just a fuzziness. Enough that I could, for the most part, see the features of things around me.

I took my pen and paper again asking, "Why am I here?"

So desperately, I wanted to know _why_. Why I have no recollection of anything prior to today. Why I only recognized my Mom, Alice and Rosalie because they told me. Even then my recollection of just who they were was pretty vague at best. I felt that the reason I was here would be the key to remembering everything that I had forgotten.

Also, I wanted to know why, that while I wanted to know what put me here, I didn't truly have the desire to open the flood gates that was surely ready to burst. It was a subconscious feeling that I was actively trying to squash.

"Oh, Sweetheart. I wish I could tell you. You heard the doctor, you need to come to the realization on your own, Baby."

This was so frustrating! I get it but why couldn't they tell me why I was here? How could that be harmful to me? All I want to know is why I am here; what happened to put me in a coma and give me a sudden case of amnesia?

I nodded my head stiffly. Accepting that at the moment my thirst for the knowledge I craved most was futile. _Maybe it is for the best?_

The door opened revealing a nurse with a smile on her face that just pissed me off to no end.

"Hi, Bella! My name is Jenny, I'll be your nurse for the next eight hours."

Her enthusiasm was not appreciated here. Nobody wants a peppy nurse while they are in the damn hospital.

"I'm going to give you a sedative so you can rest." I glared at her because I really didn't want to go to sleep, I wanted to know what happened to put me here. And I wasn't going to be happy till I got that information.

My least favorite person pushed a needle into my IV and almost instantly my precious darkness consumed me.

~X~X~X~

The next time I woke it was dark outside and the doctor whose name I couldn't remember was checking my wounds and monitors.

He turned to me and smiled softly. It still annoyed me but at least it wasn't like nurse what's-her-fucking-name.

"How are you feeling?"

The stupid tube remained in my throat - I didn't even know why it was still in anyways - so I nodded to say that I was fine.

"Good. I think we will be able to remove your breathing tube within the next day or so. Your lungs are just about ready to go it alone."

I picked up my pen and paper again. "How long was I asleep?"

He read my note quickly and gave me another small smile. "Just a couple days. At this rate you can use all of the rest you can get. Are you feeling any pain?" I nodded. "Okay. I'll get a nurse to come and give you something for that. Sound good?"

I didn't bother answering, he just left the room and moments later a different nurse entered.

I liked this nurse because she didn't bother with pleasantries, instead she just waltzed in and did her business and promptly left as I greeted my dear friend darkness once again.

~X~X~X~

The ghost of a memory skirted around my consciousness as I slept.

I hadn't dreamt of anything recently, only floating through the dark recesses of my mind. I was content with that though, as I was still content to remaining blissfully unaware of why this dream filled me with such dread.

My heart ached from this dream, although it was hazy. Nothing was clear. No sounds, sights, smells - anything. I couldn't pinpoint why this tugged at my heart strings.

But I didn't try at all to come up with the answers. I still didn't want to.

~X~X~X~

"Good morning, Bella!" Alice sang.

My vision had cleared more and became crisper in quality as the next day rolled around. There was still faint blurs around the edges of things, but better than what it was originally. It was enough to brighten my mood a little.

I nodded my head in my own greeting. She was already getting on my nerves with her happiness, but I did my best to squelch it since she was my _friend_ and not some snotty nurse.

Plus, I didn't feel like bringing down my own good mood.

"Should be getting your breathing tube removed today, right?" I nodded vigorously.

"Oh! I almost forgot. Your brother will be here today to see you." My brow furrowed in confusion. _I don't know of any brother. _Alice sighed, probably remembering that I have practically no memory at the moment.

There was a firm knock on the door before it crept open slowly. A huge muscled man poked his head in and timidly said, "Hey, Bells."

I was confused about how he knew my name, as I was certain that I had never seen him before. I just followed his movements with apprehension.

Alice and this nameless man sat in the only two chairs in the room, scooting them as close to the bed as they could possibly manage.

"So how ya doin', Bells?"

I nodded tersely. I was so confused because I had no idea who this guy was. But there he was, sitting in my room and talking to me like we'd known each other forever. It was unnerving, even though I felt oddly safe around this stranger.

Looking at Alice I motioned for something to write on. She quickly pulled a small notebook and something to write with from a bag near her feet.

I lazily scribbled, "Who's he?"

I could scarcely see the hurt on his face and I could definitely see it in his body language, although he tried to mask it.

In my lack of ability to remember things and people, I had unknowingly hurt his feelings. I felt like such shit.

He cleared his throat and introduced himself. "Hey," his voice cracked. "I'm your brother Emmett."

_What_, I thought beast of a man was my brother? No wonder why I had that odd feeling of safety…

Just as it was with my mother, Rosalie and Alice, I slowly realized who he was. Little things popped up like his dimpled grin and big bear hugs. There was scarce knowledge of the few people I have seen since I have been in the hospital. I could remember I knew them once they introduced themselves, but I couldn't remember very much _about_ them. And the little I did remember was inconsequential and didn't tell me anything about them that would be helpful in any way.

It was just another thing to piss me off.

_Seems like there is a lot that is peeving me lately. _

Turning my notepad back to me I wrote, "I remember now. Hi."

Emmett let a big gust of air from his lips as if he'd been holding his breath this whole time.

As he was going to say something more a knock interrupted him and he clamped his mouth shut.

Doctor whatever-his-name, walked in with his ever present smile, followed closely by a couple nurses in yellow scrubs wheeling a rack of scary looking equipment behind them. They looked oddly like a row of ducks.

"Hi, Bella." I don't know why he always pauses for me to respond but he does, so I just nodded once my slow brain understood. "We're going to remove your breathing tube now."

If I could've jumped for joy I would have, instead I settled for a brief nod and a mental fist pump.

One of the loathsome nurses sporting a big fucking grin lowered my bed to lay flat.

Doctor Something stood at the head of the bed, leaning over me as he explained the procedure.

"I'm going to tilt your head back to straighten your airway so I can remove the tube. When we are ready to pull it out I'm going to ask you to cough." He waited for my slow response before continuing. "Alright, ladies, you ready?"

"Yes, Doctor," they said at the same time like they were some kind of robot clones.

Doctor Smiles tilted my head back, giving me a _lovely_ view of his trousers. They were khaki today.

One of the nurses, I couldn't tell which, turned on some machine that hissed for a moment.

"Okay here we go… Cough Bella." My throat slowly got the signal to cough and as soon as I did the doctor began pulling the tube from my throat causing me to gag and cough more. It hurt - a burning, scratchy sensation formed in the back of my throat making my eyes water. It was a bittersweet relief to finally have that damn thing removed. _Why was it even still in?_

Almost immediately after the doctor started moving to place the tube somewhere, a nurse placed an oxygen mask over my mouth and nose as I continued to cough violently.

My hacking fit subsided eventually and the nurse gave me a drink of water, which removed her from my shit-list… _for now_.

When the doctor was satisfied that he wouldn't have to re-tube me, he left me to my devices.

I had completely forgotten that Alice and Emmett were here, and I was slightly startled by their presence once I took the time to look around.

They both had the most heartbreaking looks on their faces and I knew I was to blame. _Again! Will it ever end?_

"Hi," I said, once my heart rate returned to normal from the little scare. My voice was raspy and didn't sound at all like mine. I winced, trying to clear my throat but failing miserably, so I settled for swallowing down the frog. "Sorry."

"Hey, Bells. There's nothing to be sorry for."

"Yes, there is. I'm putting you through so much, and you guys don't deserve it." I closed my eyes and dropped my head in shame. I was being so unfair to them. They shouldn't have to be here with me.

"No sweetie. I know what you're thinking. We love you, so of course we will be here for you. As long as it takes. And your not putting us through anything, we are just sad to see you like this. _You_ don't deserve it," Alice nodded trying to sooth my worries. I wasn't convinced, but I didn't feel up to fighting her on it. I knew it wouldn't do any good either. The little that I did know about her, I knew for sure that she is a stubborn bitch and right now that stubborn bitch was out to play.

There was a lull in the conversation and I didn't know what to say. What do you say to people you don't even really know anymore, all because your memory is for shit? Because of some elusive event that you have no memory of?

There were things that everyone was hiding from me and they continued to be tight lipped about it. I figured I wouldn't have a shot in hell at cracking those nuts. I knew I had to remember the missing pieces on my own before anybody would tell me anything more.

It was incredibly frustrating and I just wished they would just get it over with and tell me. Especially because there was no guarantee that I would ever even remember whatever it is that they're hiding.

The knowledge was there. I could feel it. But, I just couldn't unlock it from my own minds cage.

It was a constant annoyance to know that it's _right there_, but so far away at the same time.

I couldn't unlock it, and for some reason, I didn't _want_ to. I was terrified of what might be under lock and key.

The hollow feeling remained. It permeated my soul and it felt as if it affected my body too. But that could be from my recent surgery. _I wonder if they removed something from me, an organ or whatever. _I would have to ask the doctor next time he came in.

To fill the awkward silence Alice and Emmett talked about random things in their lives. I listened intently because it would give me more insight and maybe even spark my memory about them and my life.

"How's the modeling, Em?"

He chuckled. "It's goin' good. Can't complain. We'll be startin' another shoot in a few weeks, since the new line is coming out and all."

I was so lost.

"Who do you model for," I croaked.

"Calvin Klein." I almost had to laugh! It seemed so like him to do that. He seems like such an attention whore that it would make complete sense for him to model, plastering his body everywhere across America.

"Don't Calvin Klein models pose in underwear?"

Emmett blushed at my question, obviously embarrassed by my question.

He nodded abashedly.

I got a smug sense of satisfaction for being able to make this big brawn of a man blush, and I couldn't help the big shit eating grin from taking over my face.

"Hey, hey! I'm hot! Got a great body that makes everybody jealous. I gotta flaunt it!"

Well at least he can own up to it, no matter how much it might embarrass him.

Alice and Emmett talked about more inconsequential things for a while longer. I piped in every once in a while with my own questions and sarcastic remarks. They stuck _vehemently_ to the lighter topics, absolutely refusing to even venture close to the heavy stuff whenever I would try to push things that way or when the conversation naturally flowed that direction.

It only pissed me off more.

Before I could do much more pushing a nurse came in to kick them out, theoretically. Visiting hours were over. I was sad that they had to go, but at the same time I was relieved. I could finally have some time to myself to try and figure out this giant riddle I seemed to be stuck on.

As Emmett and Alice were saying their goodbyes and promising to come back tomorrow, the nurse gave me some more medication, and soon I was consumed by the Nothingness.

My sleep was particularly fitful. The same dream I had had the night before returned, but stronger. More persistent, yet it was still vague enough that I couldn't make out what was going on.

I felt even more hollow by the time I awoke the next morning. If that was even _possible._

I was more irritable and depressed due to _everything_. Every little thing pissed me off. The soup I was forced to eat, which was a valid reason to be pissed might I add. Anything small and seemingly unimportant, to big things like having to move around while the staff poked and prodded my sore body.

I wasn't in the mood for visitors today, but I sucked it up anyway. They were all worried about me and who was I to tell them they couldn't visit me? It was my fault that they had to come here in the first place.

For the next few days I got more and more irritable. I was a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any given moment, the smallest thing could and probably would set me off.

_It was only a matter of time…_

Continually, night after night, I had the same dream. Each time it became more clear, and I became more and more distraught.

The dream had evolved from a simple feeling to an actual scene. A blurry vision of a man I did not recognize yet still seemed to know, was always ever present; a feeling of butterflies; adoration and love; simple caresses that said more than words ever would.

_I don't know what it all means!_

It was a dream and a nightmare all wrapped in one tiny little package.

Any other person who had the same nightly dream might never have seen it as a nightmare, and neither did I for that matter, but I couldn't shake the feeling of dread that accompanied the simple images and emotions.

I was terribly frightened by it.

I was elated by it.

I was afraid to confront what it meant - what my subconscious was trying to tell me, screaming for me to understand.

I was eager to know what it all stood for.

Most of all I _wanted_ to know _why_ it filled me with such a hollow sensation.

* * *

Whew! Chapter 3 down. I had such a hard time letting this chapter go for some reason. I don't know why.

This is the last chapter that is fully written. I have no more that only needs to be just edited. So now you are at the mercy of my writing, editing and then the beta process. I can't and won't guarantee any updates at certain times. I write only when the characters speak to me. Which is usually when I'm trying to sleep, and that makes the chapters very messy. Like chapter 4, it makes no sense at all.

Next chapter! The shit hits the fan! Are you excited? I am!

Review! Give me your thoughts and theories! I'd love to know how close you can get to how she'll find out. Hint: It's caused by a character we haven't met yet. Can you guess who? And how?

REVIEWS GET YOU PREVIEWS!


	4. Chapter 4 Denial Isn't Just A River

A/N: Ohhh! Boy! Are you excited? I am! I've been waiting for this chapter for quite a while now. So far it is definitely my favorite.

Chaos will ensue! I know you have all been wondering how Bella would find out and here it is!

Normally I don't add lyrics to a chapter but this one I thought called for it. The two songs quoted are what inspired this chapter and somewhat inspired the story. I hope that it'll give you a little insight into exactly how Bella is feeling.

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the only one who owns **_**Twilight**_**. I just play with her toys in cruel and unusual ways.**

**

* * *

**

I'm falling apart  
I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart  
That's still beating

~Broken by Lifehouse

Chapter 4 - Denial Isn't Just A River Although It Flows Like One

I woke up panting and sweating. It felt like I had just ran a marathon. Every muscle in my body ached. My head hurt, pounding like someone was jumping on it. Every fiber of my being throbbed in protest, spanning deep into my soul.

I scrambled for the magic wand with the awesome red button that summons a nurse with pain meds.

Swiftly two nurses ran into my room in a slight panic. I couldn't be bothered to wonder why, though.

Sighing a breath of relief once the calming effects of the pain meds reached my system, I took the time to actually look around and was shocked to see that I wasn't alone.

"Who are you," I asked the strangely familiar men. I was already uneasy from the normal disorientation and that ever present feeling of hollowness, I wasn't up to meeting anybody new on top of everything.

Both men shifted uncomfortably in their seats and cleared their throats nervously. I would have laughed if it wasn't so goddamn annoying at the moment.

"Um… I'm your dad, Charlie," 'my dad' said quietly yet gruffly. His body language told me he was upset. _Well so am I buddy. _He rubbed his face vigorously for a moment with a frown marring his face.

I nodded to him in acknowledgement.

"I'm Ben Cheney. We work together. My wife told me to tell you that she will be here soon to visit. I hope that's okay with you," he asked tentatively.

"That's fine. How else will I remember these things if I never jog my memory?" A small and forced chuckle escaped my lips. My comment was meant to lighten the mood, but it did nothing but thicken the air with uncomfortable tension. So palpable I swear I could taste it.

Someone had to address the humungous purple polka dotted elephant that was always in the room. It's hard work constantly tip-toeing around such a big animal. _Somebody _has to whip out the mouse and scare the big guy back into his cage, I figured it might as well be me.

The three of us shared light conversation about inconsequential things, always carefully dancing around the things I wanted to know about most. I was quickly becoming resigned to the fact that I may never know what I was missing and why it made me feel the way I did.

But I never resigned myself to giving up the search.

We quickly ran out of things that were 'safe' to talk about, as I had deemed it, so I turned on the TV and switched it to something the men could enjoy.

The Sports Center program that was on was so mundane to me that it didn't take long before I was asleep again.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

I don't think I'd slept for more than an hour before the volume in my room increased and woke me from my light and troubled sleep.

Charlie and Ben were joined by two new faces; a woman and a very large stuffed bear, who was perched on the woman's lap, covering most of her body.

"Oh! Hey Bella," mystery girl cheered excitedly with a large smile. It was so infectious I even smiled back, although it was much smaller than hers.

"Hi. What's your name," I questioned.

"Angela. I'm Ben's wife." I nodded with vague recollection. "Hmm," she hummed. "… Oh! And this big guy is for you."

Angela stood from her chair awkwardly and walked all funky towards my bed. I wanted to snark something to her but quickly held my tongue. It would do no good to take my frustrations, whatever form they may take, out on her.

She passed the giant bear to me and I couldn't help but smile widely at her. The gesture was just too sweet.

I turned to thank her but stopped short, my mouth hanging open in shock.

Because suddenly, I remembered everything.

_Everything_.

Jake. The house. The fire. The pain. The blood. The fear. The utter contentment just hours before my whole world came crashing down on me.

And most importantly I remembered the baby. Mine and Jake's unborn baby Jayden.

I knew why I was feeling hollow. _I'm missing something… someone - two someone's. _

Everything made sense now. Why everybody shied away from telling me anything. Why I could never shake that feeling of utter hopelessness. Of_ emptiness. _

Everything around me ceased to exist. I couldn't hear the flurry of activity that was suddenly happening around me. I didn't notice Angela's pleas for me to forgive her - for what I did not know - that she had no idea this would happen.

I didn't hear my dad begging me to tell him what was wrong while he frantically searched my body for the problem.

I didn't, and couldn't, care about anything that was going on. All I could focus on was that I lost the two most important beings in my life. Could only focus on the fact that I'd forgotten about them, if even for a split second or two years, it didn't matter. The fact was I _forgot_.

Nothing else mattered in that moment until a bunch of hospital staff barged into my room brandishing dripping needles. I couldn't let them do that. _Not now. _

"NO!" I screamed. "Don't put me to sleep!"

They did not stop, they kept getting closer and closer with every second that passed. I had to stop them. And if I couldn't stop them, I wouldn't go down without a fight.

"STOP! PLEASE! DON'T!"

"Isabella," someone said sternly."NO! Let me be! PLEASE! It's all I ask… please." The doctor already had the needle pressed into my IV, ready to inject whatever drug into my system, but by some miracle my cries stopped him before he could press it in.

"Please," I whispered. "Please."

I couldn't control the tears that rolled down my face, down my neck, soaking my hospital gown. I didn't want to. I wanted him to see my emotions. I wanted him to see my need to feel them.

"Okay," he paused while searching my eyes. "Okay. Alright." Breaking eye contact with me he looked down to where the needle and IV tube joined, and carefully removed the syringe.

I sighed with relief.

However it was short lived, because there was two things I wanted - no, needed - to know.

"Where's Jake?"

Everyone in the room looked around pensively. As if they didn't know what to say or how to answer me.

"Where's my baby?"

"They uh…"

"Where's my baby? _Where!_"

"Someone go get Doctor Cullen. _NOW!_" A guy in scrubs rushed out of the room quickly, yelling words I couldn't be bothered to comprehend.

"Tell me where my baby is!"

_Why can't anybody just give me a straight answer? Or an answer at all?_

"Miss. Miss. The doctor will be in, in a moment. He will explain everything to you. Just calm down."

My head snapped in his direction to stare at him with an incredulous look.

"CALM DOWN? No! Why would I calm down? Why can't anybody just give me a straight _fucking _answer for once?""Please. Wait for the doctor to explain."

"NO! TELL ME NOW!"

"Miss, please. I need you to calm down or else I'll have to sedate you."

"Bella," my dad pleaded. "Please, relax. Everything will be fine… Everything will be fine, you'll see."

At his words I began to hyperventilate. The way everybody was reacting and speaking to me I _knew_. Right then I knew that I would never see Jake again…

… And neither of us would ever get to meet our baby.

If my job taught me anything it was to read between the lines.

In my last, futile, attempt to be told otherwise, to be told that they were just down the hall and recovering nicely I asked again, "Where's Jake? Where's our baby?"

Dr. Cullen pushed his way through the small crowd huddled around my bed.

"Misses Black. I'm so sorry." He paused, pursing his lips thoughtfully. "I'm sorry to inform you, but your husband and baby… They didn't make it."

And that right there was the final nail in my coffin. It's the words that drove it all home.

I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I wouldn't ever see them for as long as I lived.

I was in utter and complete shock.

It wasn't long before little black spots danced in front of my eyes and the room began to tilt and pitch in unnatural angles. My hearing became muddled and seemingly far away. And mercifully I succumbed to the darkness spreading through my soul.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

She got the call today  
One out of the gray  
And when the smoke cleared  
It took her breath away  
She said she didn't believe  
It could happen to me  
I guess, we're all one phone call  
From our knees

~Closer To Love by Mat Kearney

The domino effect.

The reality that one thing, good or bad, will lead to another in a never ending cascade of events. Where one course of action no matter how small will cause more things to happen in it wake.

Also known as cause and effect. Push and pull. Yin and yang.

They are all the reality of change… And life. However unfair that may be.

I couldn't figure out what started my own set of dominos. There were so many questions I wanted answered, none of which I could find the will to voice.

Because I couldn't accept this reality. This truth that was now my life.

And it made me so _angry_!

It was almost uncontrollable. I kept it controlled though. I couldn't afford to be sedated like the hospital constantly made a point to show me they weren't hesitant to do.

Why them? Why us? What did we ever do wrong to cause this?

I couldn't comprehend the possibility that something we did _could_ cause this. And I couldn't help but wonder if it was all my fault somehow…

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

I assumed it was a few hours later when I woke again. There was hardly anytime following that before my doctor waltzed into my room with determined expression on his face as he walked purposefully toward my bed.

He took a seat on the round rolling chair reserved for doctors and nurses.

"Isabella." Dr. Cullen paused, waiting for a response. A response he would not get.

He still waited for me to reply like he was waiting for or timing something. I figured it was due to my slow response since the… _accident_. I still had a slightly delayed reaction time but it was getting better. However, I wasn't in the mood to participate.

Dr. Cullen sighed. "I think it's time we discuss all your resulting injuries from the accident. Okay?"

I gave no reply.

Although I was curious, I didn't want to hear it. Didn't want to make it real. Because it _couldn't_ be real.

"You're going to have to respond, Isabella," he said sternly. My eyes flickered over to him for a moment before moving back to their original position staring at the wall. There was a crack in the paint. A flaw. I couldn't stop staring at it.

"Thank you. Now, you already know about the TBI, concussion, burns and broken leg. I'll go over some of the symptoms that you're already experiencing and probably will for a while, later. So on top of all that, you suffered from Placental Abruption which caused you to lose the baby along with the impact caused by the explosion."

I sucked in a stuttered breath at the mention of my baby and just how I had lost him.

"By the time help arrived you had already lost too much blood and there was nothing anyone could do to save your baby." He paused. "I'm so very sorry for your loss."

I scoffed.

As if it mattered that he was sorry for what happened. As if he was sorry that I was left all alone in this world. As if anything he could say would take any of my pain away. As if it could bring my family back to me.

"You're sorry," I asked incredulously in almost a whisper. "Did you think that would make me feel better?" I turned to look him in the eye with an accusatory glare. "Do you even know what's like to lose everything you loved? Everything that mattered?"

Dr. Cullen flinched at my icy words, looking properly chastised.

I turned back the wall, zeroing in on the small imperfection marring the sterile, white enclosure.

"Just go," I mumbled.

Dr. Cullen remained seated for a couple minutes before sighing and slowly leaving my room.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

After that day I stayed another day in the ICU before being transferred to a regular room on a different floor. The week following was spent working with the physical therapist. In addition to physical therapy I was subjected to multiple daily attempts from psychologists and counselors trying to get me to talk about what had happened and how it made me feel.

I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to share my memories of my missing family. They were mine and mine alone.I didn't want it to be real. There was _no way _that it was real.

My friends and family still visited me regularly. They talked amongst themselves, always steering clear of the previously, and currently, "unsafe" topics. I rarely commented on anything. When I did it was rude comments that shut everyone up.

Physical therapy was brutal but a welcome reprieve that put physical pain to my emotional pain. I quickly began to look forward to it.

The therapist was relentless in my recovery regime and I never begged for any mercy. He had me do leg lifts to strengthen the muscles I lost from prolonged disuse. He threw balls at me to sharpen my reaction time. I had found many bruises spattered across various parts of my body because I couldn't react in time to catch the speeding ball.

But each new bruise brought with it determination.

Determination to get better. To be stronger and faster.

What I was most determined to do was prove everyone wrong, to unearth the fact that this was just some sick cruel joke being played on me.

And I would do what ever it took to do that.

* * *

A/N: Alright! Welcome to the roller coaster express! There will be lows and even lower lows from here on out. Until Edward joins in the fun, then it'll be lows and more lows.

A little heads up, Bella will be very depressed. And of course along with depression comes very strong thoughts and urges. So bare with me okay? Trust that I have a very deep respect for depression and the things that go along with it. I have suffered it all myself, and I understand it.

I upload pictures to go along with the story every chapter. If you wish to view those go to my profile for the link.

Thanks to everybody reads this story. And even bigger thanks to those who review! You keep me writing.


	5. Chapter 5 Oh, She Can't Deny It Anymore

First let me say sorry for taking so long to update. For once it wasn't from writers block, it was because I just couldn't stop writing! I hope everybody had a fantastic holiday season and that if you were one of the travelers making airline staff's lives hell... Kudos to you.

A couple things you should know before we get started on this chapter.

1) Bella is in denial about the deaths of Jake and their baby. Chapter 4 ended with her settling her resolve to fix this "sham." She sincerely believes that her missing family is still alive.

2) As requested I added a little Edward POV. Don't get too attached to it though. It'll be rare I use his POV, if at all after this chapter.

3) I started a blog for 'Disrepair'. There are tons of goodies there. You'll be able to find links to the music for the story. And the outfits, and such, that I use. I encourage to check that out. http:/ disrepair . tumblr . com/

4) Don't get attached to long chapters like this one. It's not often I can write so much.

Tima83 is the shit! Best beta ever!

PS. I don't own Twilight. SM does.

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Chapter 5 - Oh, She Can't Deny It Anymore

**EPOV**

The blare of my alarm clock woke me, like it did everyday, at exactly six o' two in the AM.

Just like every morning, I flicked off the machine and turned to look at the woman beside me.

_She sleeps like a rock. _

After watching her sleep for a few minutes I carefully slipped my arm out from beneath her head and padded quietly to the shower.

The hot water was heaven. It was my chance to completely relax one last time before all hell broke loose.

Although I valued structure in every possible way, I couldn't deny that my place was in Emergency Medicine, one of the most hectic career paths in the medical field. But I wouldn't give it up for anything.

By the time my body completely woke up, thanks to the steamy shower, I was mentally ready for the day.

I stepped out of the shower, scrubbing my hair a little before wrapping the towel around my waist. I squirted a healthy dose of toothpaste onto my toothbrush and shoved it in my mouth. I let it hang there while I combed my almost unmanageable hair into a carefully sculpted coiffure suitable for work.

When I was content with my hair I quickly finished brushing my teeth and dressed in a pair of black slacks, white button down and silk tie. I took extra care in making sure the buttons lined up with my pants zipper and that my tie was knotted in a perfect Windsor knot.

I made my way into the kitchen to have a quick bowl of whole wheat cereal. After eating enough food to hold me over to lunch without being overly filled, I walked to the front door to collect the rest of my things. I sat at the small bench pulling on my left sock followed by my left shoe, and repeating the process with my right, making sure to tie the laces in a tight, double knot.

After I was certain that my appearance was professional and clean cut by looking in the full length mirror placed by the front door, I picked up my cell, beeper, keys and pulled on the matching suit jacket that went with my slacks, and dress coat before grabbing my briefcase.

I walked to the passenger side of my silver Volvo, laying my briefcase down on the floor where there was no chance of it getting in the way.

I checked my path three times before slowly pulling out into the road and cautiously driving to the hospital. My hands never strayed from the steering wheel, not even to check the emergency beeper that went off while I rode through early morning traffic.

I parked my Volvo meticulously in the designated spot just for doctors.

I wasted no time retrieving my briefcase and rushing through the ER doors.

Almost immediately I was bombarded by nurses and other doctors all fighting for my attention.

"Hold it! Hold it! One at a time," I said, trying to restore some order so I could get the necessary information that was being thrown at me from all directions.

As my co-workers took turns filling me in and asking questions, I walked to the staff room to put my belongings into my locker.

I mentally prioritized every situation being presented to me so I could efficiently take care of the problems.

When I first started working in the ER it was easy to get overwhelmed with all the information that you take in all at once. And it wasn't long before I figured out that if you wanted to survive more than five minutes you had to categorize what was important and what could wait for later. Even if that one insignificant piece of info was much bigger than you originally thought. I learned that early on, too, after losing my first patient due to something that seemed so unimportant.

Working in Phoenix's busiest trauma and ER center left little room for one to not have their act put together.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**BPOV**

"Last day here, eh?"

The sudden sound of my physical therapist's voice broke my concentration and I quickly shot him a glare. He threw his hands up in mock surrender, a little sideways smirk taking control of his face.

In the short week we'd been working together, trying to get my strength up enough that I could be released, hardly any small talk was made. He was too much of a Nazi and I was too much of an introvert. Needless to say, conversation was in short supply.

"Yeah. Last day," I spoke in a monotone, continuing my sit ups.

"Excited?"

"Yep."

"Got any special plans?"

"God! What is with you Tyler," I snapped. "_Fucking Christ._ Do your job."

I heard his jaw snap shut and he was silent for a minute before picking up the basket of tennis balls.

"You ready?"

"Absolutely."

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

After finishing physical therapy a nurse, whom I recognized but couldn't put a name to, wheeled me back to my room.

I liked her. She was the no-nonsense nurse from some odd days prior. I usually saw her at night. At least while I've been here.

Curiosity ended up getting the better of me so I asked who she was.

"I'm Dr. Cullen's nurse. My name is Kate Denali."

Short and to the point. I loved it. Her attitude of "let's not beat around the bush" was a _very_ welcomed thing. I found myself unable to take any of my frustrations out on her and any time spent in her company seemed to simplify everything.

Everything became almost quiet. Like the noises and flurry of my environment was non-existent while in her presence.

Of course that wasn't true. I could still vividly hear what was happening around me but it was as if a façade of peace surrounded my little world.

I didn't respond to her, and I didn't feel the need to.

It was a fairly quick ride back to my room. Dreaded and welcomed all the same.

Dreaded because I was so sick of being stuck within the confines of the same four walls, _all the time_.

Welcomed because it offered solitude.

The pros and cons plagued me, but I did my best not to dwell on it all. And lucky for me today was my last day in this hell.

I was going home today. I couldn't wait.

"Dr. Cullen will be over to see you soon to give you your discharge instructions," Nurse… Whatever her name was, said. I had already forgotten her name. This brought my previously content and slightly happy mood crashing down.

I nodded and she wasted no time exiting my room, taking the atrocious wheel chair with her.

No matter how much I tried not to dwell on my shitty memory I just couldn't. I couldn't stop trying to remember what my nurse's name was.

I was so frustrated with the whole process by the time my brother and two best friends came meandering into my room.

Their cheery faces were not welcomed. However I couldn't think about that long. I _had_ to do a double take.

"Alice! _The fuck_ are you wearing?" She had a pair of white pants on, which looked positively painted on. But that wasn't what caught my eye. No, it was the top she was sporting that got me. She wore what looked like a corset, adorned with one giant ass bow.

"What?" She looked down, self consciously picking at the bow. "Is there something wrong?"

"Umm… No. Nothing's wrong unless… you know what never mind." I decided to drop it. Alice would be Alice and who was I to question her? She looked a little skeptical but shrugged it off.

My gaze traveled to Emmett and I couldn't help but laugh. His shirt was absolutely, and utterly, _fucking priceless_!

It said, "ATTENTION HUMAN ORGANS INSIDE" on the front, and sort of on the side said, "HANDLE WITH CARE."

It was perfect.

"Nice shirt, Emmett," I jibed.

"Nice shirt yourself," he replied. I looked down to my own outfit. My shirt said, "Blood, Sweat, Tears, Cheers." The word "tears" was crossed out and replaced with "cheers." Quite fitting if you asked me, because I sure as hell wasn't shedding any tears. I was on a mission to heal as fast as I could so I could unravel this sick joke somebody was playing on me. This outfit was one Alice brought for me to wear instead of hospital gowns and scrubs.

Before I could say anything more my doctor, whose name suddenly escaped me, walked in carrying papers with him. Nurse Something, from earlier, followed him, carrying a set of crutches and leg brace in her arms.

"How are you, Isabella?"

"Fine."

"Great!" He paused for a moment. "Your reaction time has improved greatly. Hardly any lapse before you answered. This is fantastic. I have all the hope in the world that you will make a full recovery."

He smiled his megawatt smile before continuing to let me respond.

I nodded to him, trying not to let my suddenly surly attitude show. Especially because he was the one dictating when I could leave.

"I'm going to give you your discharge instructions while Kate here replaces your old brace with a new one. Okay?"

"Yup."

The nurse went right to work fitting my leg with the new brace. I was a little grumpy that I wouldn't be able to bend my leg for fuck knows how long.

"Alright. Emmett, Alice, Rosalie. Come take a seat. You'll need to know this, too."

My best friend, brother and sister-in-law quickly moved to sit with me on the bed. All their attention was focused solely on the doctor.

"First off, the cuts and burns from the explosion and surgery we performed have healed very nicely. You will have minimal scarring. Nothing to worry about there. The broken femur should be finished healing in a few more weeks. Given that you're careful of course. Once that is healed up I suggest more physical therapy to gain back the strength you lost. I still want you to continue the physical therapy that you are going through now. At least until your reaction time is back to par." He paused. "Any questions so far?"

I shook my head in the negative, while the three loons spoke a "no" like they were connected at the fucking brain or something.

"Okay. Moving on then. Your brain injury was pretty severe, although there was no internal bleeding you did suffer from some swelling. Which is what put you into the coma in the first place. The symptoms you are experiencing now should go away over time. But in some cases it does worsen. So I urge you to be mindful of what you're feeling, and I highly recommend seeing a specialist. Especially if problems persist. Questions?"

We replied in the negative again.

"You may have already noticed behavioral changes in Isabella. Does she seem more irritable? Forgetful? Confused easily?"

Rose, Em and Alice nodded vigorously.

"Well that's part of a traumatic brain injury. There'll be cognitive deficits such as concentration, memory, speed of processing, confusion. All perfectly normal and over time should lessen. In addition she may or may not experience slurred speech, though at this point I doubt that'll happen. Isabella may have difficulty interpreting touch, temperature, movement and limb position. Her vision may remain blurred well past the time she is completely healed from the TBI. While these are all things to be concerned about, don't obsess over them. If she hasn't developed them already I don't think there is much of a chance or her developing it anytime in the future. Still with me?"

We nodded.

"However I want you to pay extra close attention to Isabella and watch for sleeping problems, loss of stamina and appetite, irritability, aggression with seemingly no cause, and depression. Especially if it becomes a problem."

All this information was overwhelming. I didn't know what to do with it all.

"What do we do if any of those actually becomes a problem?" Emmett asked.

"As soon as you can, set up an appointment with your normal doctor."

"Okay."

"How long before she can go back to work?" Rosalie asked this time.

"After everything is healed. Meaning after the strength in your body is back up and your reaction time is perfectly normal. Based on your career I wouldn't return until you are in tip top shape."

I already knew that. That information wasn't new to me. In my line of work as a probation officer I needed to be absolutely on top of my game. There was never any room for error. I had no doubts that my boss, Aro Capardi, would have me go through a complete physical test before he even _thought_ of letting me back on.

Just as the doctor went to speak again there was a knock on the door. All eyes zeroed in on the two men wearing slacks and sports jackets, their detective badges dangling from their necks.

I narrowed my eyes at them.

_What business do they have here?_

"Gentleman," my doctor greeted in a professional manner, yet suspiciously. The doctor quickly rose from the swivel chair and walked towards the two men.

"Detectives, I thought I told you to wait," he whispered harshly.

Obviously this wasn't a conversation others were supposed to hear because the doctor brought the metal clipboard up to cover his face and block anymore noises from traveling in our general direction.

His efforts were no use. "Now is_ not_ the time to be questioning her. You will only do more harm."

"I'm sorry Dr. Cullen, but we cannot wait anymore. The longer we put this off the less chance we will have of catching whoever started the fire," whispered the shorter of the two detectives. He was young, obviously a rookie, with dirty blond hair gelled into that style all young guys wear these days. His baby face made it nearly impossible to take him seriously.

I didn't want to believe what I was hearing. Whoever was pulling the strings on this sick joke was certainly stopping at nothing to accomplish their goal.

I must have missed whatever was said next because the next thing I knew the two men were standing in front of me, their notepads out and ready to take notes. My doctor was still standing by the doorway and had a very frustrated look on his face. I didn't understand his reaction. What harm was he talking about moments ago?

"Mrs. Black?"

I snapped my attention back to the men before me. "Yes?"

"I'm Detective Peter Hall and my partner is Detective Garrett Young. We just wanted to ask you a few questions about the fire that took place the seventh of April." His baby face made it nearly impossible to take him seriously. Though he put up a Herculean effort into it.

"Okay," I hesitantly agreed.

"Bells. You don't have to do this," Emmett urged.

I shook my head. "No. It's no big deal. They're just doing their job." Detective Hall and Young smiled encouragingly. I figured I might as well play along with this big sham.

"Mrs. Black, on the night of the seventh did you notice anything out of the ordinary?"

"No."

"Could anyone have a vendetta against you?"

"Of course, Rookie." His nose flared but he hid his emotions well. I noticed out of the corner of my eye his partner crack a small smile behind his partner's back. "I'm a federal probation officer. Do you think any of my charges are going to want to be my friend? I hold their fate in my hands. One word from me to the right people and they spend time in jail. So yes, it is possible."

"What about your husband? He do anything to piss off the wrong people?"

"What," I asked incredulously. That was an absurd concept. "No. Jake always makes friends wherever he goes. I've never met one person who didn't like him. I mean he's a small business accountant for _fucks_ sake! Who could he possibly anger?"

"Just the standard questions, ma'am. Had to ask them. Sorry to have offended you in any way," replied the other detective, quick to cover up his rookie's mistake. Up until this point I had only heard the short guy speak. This detective was older and clearly knew what he was doing and only going through the motions of training a rookie because it was required. He had an intense face that showed sympathy and understanding without being too obvious. You could tell he cared about the job he did and the people he helps, and not just the glory that goes with being a detective. "Pardon Detective Hall's ill manners."

"It's okay. I understand how it is."

The detective turned to his ill equipped partner and whispered so quietly I almost didn't catch what he said, "I'll be taking it from here. You'd best learn to have a little more compassion."

Rookie quickly said a "yes sir," and took a step back to observe.

"Detective -" I cut short, conveying I needed a refresher on his name.

"Garrett Young, ma'am."

"Detective Young, don't punish the boy too much." We both smiled a bit. "I know how rookies are. Always a little over eager and happy to be off the beat."

He chuckled lowly. "Ah, yes well, I knew setting him free a bit would humble him some. He needed it. Getting a little too cocky if you ask me."

I let a small laugh through, thoroughly enjoying bantering with fellow law enforcement. It was refreshing after all that's gone on lately.

"Mrs. Black, would you mind telling me a little about Jacob? About how his days went?"

"Yeah, sure," I said a little uneasily. "Um, Jake was a small business accountant. He helped local businesses with their finances. When he wasn't doing that he was helping people with their taxes and stocks. His business was like his second family. Every client he took on just made his family that much bigger, and by extension my family. We'd hosted a few parties over the years where we invited his clients. Usually after tax season was over. I'd never met a single person who didn't like Jake.

"He was always there to help his family. It didn't matter if he was behind on work. He would just drop everything to do what he could for his loved ones. I don't know. Maybe that pissed someone off. But I can't believe that to be true. Because he would do the same for his clients.

"Everyday he got up no later than seven and made breakfast for him and I. He'd get dressed for work and we'd watch the morning news together. By nine he was at work. On his lunch breaks he'd call me and tell me about his day, but never complaining about it. Jake would come home around six in the evening every day. We'd have dinner, talk about our days and then relax. On days I had doctor's appointments, he'd take the day off to be with me. Weekends and holidays were spent with our families and friends. Sometimes we would go to their places and sometimes we'd all stay at mine and Jake's house.

"Jake made it a point to give random acts of kindness whenever he could. He never cheated anyone. I mean why would someone ever be able to touch someone like him when he had so much good karma? It just doesn't seem _right_. I can't believe that what happened would have anything to do with him."

The detectives took notes feverishly. I didn't even think to talk slow enough that they could write all this down. I just couldn't stop myself from telling them about Jake. About the best man I knew on this Earth.

"Mrs. Black? How did you spend your days?"

"Since Jake and I found out I was pregnant I've been working in the office instead of out in the field. Most of the time I could work from home. I spent only a couple of hours in the office a few times a week. The rest of my days were spent running errands and doing chores. Before we knew about the pregnancy I worked from eight thirty to six, checking on my charges, writing reports and attending court as needed."

"Did any of your charges show any particular hate that seemed out of the norm to you?"

"No, not that I can think of. Nothing that didn't set off alarm bells to me."

"On the seventh of April, how did your day go?"

"Jake and I did our normal morning routine. He stayed home from work because I had an appointment with my doctor to find out the sex of the baby. After the appointment we drove home, and I called our family and friends to tell them the news. When we got home I took a nap while Jake painted the nursery and finished setting it up. After dinner we watched some TV before going to bed. I remember waking up to the smoke detectors going off, and we got out of the house as quickly as possible."

Odd looks were thrown around the room from everyone. I couldn't understand it. And my doctor's face went from irritation to full on anger.

I didn't understand it, _at all_, so I continued with my story, "I remember being thrown from the house and nothing after that until I woke up in the hospital and people telling me that Jake and our baby were dead. Please you have to find who is playing this sick joke on me!"

"Mrs. Black, evidence shows that the fire was arson. But so far we don't have any leads."

Rookie opened his mouth for the first time in a while, "You do realize that Ja-"

"That's enough!" my doctor raged, stopping the rookie before he could finish his statement. He marched determinedly towards the detectives. "I think Isabella's had enough. It's time for you to go."

"Yes, sir," said Detective Young. "Thank you for your time, Mrs. Black."

He extended his hand and I took it eagerly. "Please just find whoever is playing this joke."

The detective didn't respond for a moment, a pained look in his eyes. "I'll do my best, ma'am."

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

With a fresh brace around my thigh and lower leg, my discharge instructions and belongings in hand, I was wheeled by my favorite nurse to the elevator that would take me away from this wretched place.

_Finally._

Cramped inside the elevator was me, my wheel chair and crutches, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, the nurse, and a couple other staff and visitors. I wondered if the elevator could even hold all that weight.

My little posse chatted as we descended, but I didn't bother to pay attention.

After stopping at every level on the way down we finally made it to the first floor. The nurse pushed me off the lift and led us towards the front door. _And freedom._

It was a long walk so I spent time watching the trauma staff hustle and bustle. Everyone seemed to be in some strange chaotic order. It was mesmerizing.

One doctor in particular caught my attention. He seemed to be the most put together out of everyone there - the most assured. His auburn hair perfectly sculpted, a stark contrast to the rest of the ER staff. Everyone else's hair was in disarray, but not his.

He wore a shockingly white button down and black silk tie under his lab coat. It made him look so distinguished, like he was too good for the job he was doing, yet not.

Dr. Coiffure must have felt me staring holes in the side of his head because he turned on his rolling chair, discontinuing his conversation with the patient beside him. Our eyes locked and I couldn't tear myself from his stare. It seemed that neither could he.

Paramedics rushing in with a full gurney broke our trance and I turned my attention forward, giving no more thought about the doctor and his piercing gaze.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

"Uhh… Guys. Why are we going here? Why aren't we going to my house?"

After we got situated in the car I had zoned out, not bothering to pay attention to my surroundings. When it finally registered that the scenery was all wrong I spoke up.

"Where else are you going to stay?" Rosalie asked incredulously.

"My house," I said with annoyance, because it was obvious where we would go.

Nobody said anything back and quite frankly I didn't give a fuck at the moment.

A few minutes later we pulled into the drive way of Rosalie, Emmett and Alice's house. It wasn't as big as mine and Jake's house, but it was close. It was big enough for the three of them. Rose and Em had bought it shortly after they got married. Alice joined them only a few month ago when she moved back from Forks, Washington.

I sighed and gathered my crutches, struggling to exit the car. My struggle amused Emmett greatly and he lasted less than five seconds with the whole process of holding back his laughter.

"Here let me help ya, 'lil sis."

Emmett grabbed my crutches and passed them off to Rosalie before scooping me up into his massive arms.

"_The fuck,_ Emmett! Put me down! I am perfectly capable of making my own way into the house."

He just laughed. "Not a chance, 'lil sis."

"Ugh!"

"Ooh! You're a little spitfire now, aren't ya?"

_Fucking jackass…_

"So Bella? Let me show you to your room," Rosalie cut in. Lucky that she did, I was gearing up to rip a new one into my fucking brother. _Step_ brother.

"Sure, whatever."

I didn't understand why I would need a room. I just wanted to go to my own house and sleep in my own bed.

Emmett, still carrying me, followed Rose and Alice into the back of the house where the guest room was.

"We figured you would be more comfortable on the first floor," said Alice. I didn't bother to respond.

My brother sat me down on the bed. It was too soft. Nothing like mine and Jake's bed. I hated the fucking thing already.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a vibration. It was throwing me off and making me dizzy, so I turned to find the source and realized it was Alice. She looked like some goddamn cartoon. Any other time it would have been funny but right now it was just pissing me off and making me feel sick.

"Shit, Alice! Calm down."

"Sorry… Sorry. I'm just excited. You know how I am when there's new clothes and a closet involved."

I just nodded, because yes, I did know what that entailed.

_Nothing fucking good, that's what._

"What did you do Alice?" I groaned.

"Nothing," she denied. "Why would you think I did anything?"

"Because I know you."

"Okay. It's true, I did." Her exuberant bouncing found a second wind.

I grabbed my head trying to stop the dizziness. "Fuck Alice. Stop bouncing. You're making me dizzy."

"Oh, sorry." She stopped but not without great effort. I could practically feel and see the waves of excitement.

"Well get on with it, pixie," Emmett chastised.

_Yeah, get on with it Pixie. The sooner we'll get this shit done with._

"Right." Alice flounced, skipped, glided, vibrated and everything in between, her way to the closet. As if she was Vanna White she showed off the closet doors.

This was getting fucking ridiculous.

"Behind these doors lies the greatest wardrobe. Except for maybe mine."

Finally, _finally_, she opened the damn thing. My jaw dropped.

The closet was filled to the brim with clothes. Clothes, clothes, and more clothes.

There was no way I would wear all of those. Or any of them for that matter.

"Alice, why the fuck are all those clothes in there? None of them are even mine."

"Uh… What else are you going to wear?"

_Ahh, so we're back to being cryptic again._

"My clothes!"

"Well," Alice paused. "These are your clothes now. Just. Get over it." With that she spun on her heel and exited the room.

I didn't miss the sadness on her face and I did not miss the loaded look shared between Rosalie and Emmett.

"What?" I yelled.

"Nothing. Why don't you get some rest, Bells?"

"Fine."

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

I woke from my nap feeling like shit. My head hurt, my leg was cramping and I was fucking starving. And my crutches were nowhere to be found.

_Fucking great._

"Hey! Could someone bring me my crutches?"

Multiple sets of feet thundered from different locations around the house. The loudest coming from the general direction of the kitchen.

In seconds I had three out of breath people cramming through my door.

"Sorry, Bells," they chorused.

Eventually they squeezed past the threshold. Emmett thrust the crutches to me and I took them gingerly.

"Thanks."

"No problem, Bella." His smile was a cute smile you would see on a child who got the last cookie.

I took my crutches from him and awkwardly maneuvered into a standing position. Already my armpits hurt and I hadn't even used them yet!

"Are you hungry, Bella?" Rosalie questioned.

"Starving."

I followed Rose through the house with Alice and Emmett hot on my heels.

My achy pits sighed with relief as I sat unceremoniously sat in a kitchen chair.

"What would ya like?" Rose smiled.

"Anything."

Alice and Emmett sat in the other chairs around the dining table staring at me with unreadable expressions.

"_The fuck_ you staring at!"

"Nothing."

I mumbled curses under my breath and they looked away.

Rose set a plate in front of me. She'd made me a sandwich and littered my plate with chips. I wasted no time digging in. My first taste of real food in for-_fucking_-ever. I couldn't stop the moan that escaped my lips even if I wanted to.

Emmett slammed his fists on the table. "Where's _my_ food, woman?"

My jaw stopped mid chew and I turned to look at Rosalie and gage her reaction to Em's words. If looks could kill…

"Hungry, Emmett?"

He nodded dumbly, fear evident in his features.

"Then make your own fucking sandwich, you goddamn ape. I sure as hell ain't your slave. Just because I wear your fucking ring on my finger does not mean I answer to you. Got it?"

Emmett gulped loudly. "Yes, Rosalie. I swear, I was just kidding."

"Yeah. Right," she deadpanned. Rose walked around the dining table, staring him down like prey. He cowered in fear. For a moment I _almost_ felt bad for him, but then my senses kicked in and I realized that he dug this hole himself.

She stopped a few inches from my brother not breaking eye contact for second. And poor Emmett, he tried his best to hold her gaze but fear does things to a person. He didn't stand a chance and he looked down at the table in shame.

Rosalie smiled mischievously behind his back and I had to hold in my laugh. She was just shitting him! It was great.

She smacked him upside the head, causing him to yelp in pain. Rose leaned forward, her lips by his ear. He shivered in fear… Or desire. I wasn't sure which.

She whispered, "Emmett?" He nodded. "I know you were only joking." She laughed and quickly turned tail and ran upstairs.

"Oh, ho ho! She didn't." He growled like a bear before shooting off like a rocket after his wife. The chair made enough racket that Rose screamed and ran faster. I heard a door slam followed by Emmett pounding his fist on the door. "Rose! Let me in!"

Alice and I burst out laughing. When we had settled down she looked at me and said, "So, what do you want to do for the rest of the day?"

"I want to go to my house."

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why not?"

"I just don't. Trust me on this," she pleaded.

_Back to cryptic. _

"Alice. One way or another I'm going to get to my house. I suggest you take me," I seethed through clenched teeth.

I knew I was probably being a little overdramatic but I couldn't help it. _Must be that irrational anger the doctor was talking about._

By now Alice was angry, too. "Fine."

She stood from her seat and stomped upstairs. A minute later the laughter from Em and Rose died and voices raised. There were too many words being said at once that I couldn't make out what was being said so I went back to eating my sandwich.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**EPOV**

I sighed as I put the Volvo into park outside my house, taking a moment to relax before going inside. Certainly she wouldn't be happy with me.

Biting the bullet, I quickly walked inside, hung my coat up, tossed my keys into the bowl and slipped my shoes off. I turned to walk farther into the house but stopped abruptly when I spotted the blond ten feet away, tapping her foot. Her arms were crossed in front of her, hip popped and a glare that makes stronger men duck in fear and shame.

"Hello, Tanya."

She breathed in deeply, "You're late." Tanya looked at her watch. "Eight hours late to be exact."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. There was a big accident on the highway and they needed all the help they could get. I couldn't just leave."

"I know." I loosened my tie waiting for her to continue. "You know we missed my company party."

"Tanya," I paused, pinching my nose in frustration. "You know I have no control over these things. And you knew from the beginning that my hours were never set in stone."

"I know. That's why I don't think you and I are going to work out anymore. I think we should ju-"

"Wait! What?"

"I think we shouldn't be together anymore."

I stared at her in disbelief. There was no way she was telling me what I think she was telling me. "Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"But, but _why_?"

She stepped forward and took my face into both of her hands, resting her forehead against mine.

"Edward, I love you. I will always love you. But I don't think it's enough. I can't keep doing this. _We_ can't keep doing this. It's not healthy. I can't make you choose between your career and me. It wouldn't be fair to you. To the people you help everyday. You do so much good and I can't ask you not to."

"Wait. Just like that," I asked. "Just like that it's over?"

"I don't want to lose you but I just don't think we can keep this up anymore. _I_ can't keep this up anymore." I ripped my her hands from my face and stumbled a step backwards. "I want us to be friends still. You deserve someone who can handle this life, and I just can't. I'm sorry."

"Just be quiet. Don't give me the classic break up lines."

"You're right. I'm sorry." Tanya dipped her head and a tear escaped. I didn't move to comfort her like I normally would have. Not if she was really doing this.

"I think it'll be better this way." She walked backwards towards the living room and pulled a rolling suitcase from around the corner.

"You already packed," I spat.

"I'm going to stay at a hotel till I find an apartment. I'll call you tomorrow to make arrangements so I can pick up the rest of my things."

Tanya walked to me and placed a quick kiss on my cheek. All I could do was stand there in shock. The click of the door shutting behind her is what broke me from my trance.

Absentmindedly, I walked to the couch and flopped down. I just stared at the blank TV wondering just what the hell happened.

Leaning forward I placed my head in my hands and said, "I should have seen this coming."

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**BPOV**

**5:34 PM May 5th, 2006**

The car was filled with melancholy souls. I didn't understand their sadness and anger. Alice, Rosalie and Emmett hadn't spoken a word to each other since their argument an hour earlier. I couldn't grasp what would put such a rift between them. Nothing like this had ever happened before. In all the time they have known each other not once have they _not_spoken to one another.

Though I was curious I stayed out of it. I didn't have the energy to play mediator. But I suspected this had something to do with me.

The city lights passed by in a blur and it wasn't until we reached my neighborhood that I was able to focus on anything.

Mine and Jake's house was a corner house. Our neighbors property was lined with trees that blocked off the view around the corner. That is where we parked.

"Why don't you just park in the driveway, Rose?"

"_Because_, Bella," she snapped, making me recoil from her harsh words. "Sorry."

I didn't bother to acknowledge her and instead turned my attention to unbuckle myself. Since I was crippled I had to wait for the other three to get their acts together and let me out.

It was a slow process since all three of them wore expressions on their faces that I just couldn't decipher. Eventually Emmett sighed and opened my door, and scooped my into his arms again. He set me on my feet next to Rose's car and reached for my crutches.

Alice and Rosalie walked slowly around the car to stand by me, waiting while I situated my crutches.

I stared at the concrete as I hobbled towards my house.

I didn't look up until I turned on the walkway that lead to the front door.

I wish I hadn't. My breath caught in my throat, tears clouded my vision.

"NO!"

Emmett pushed my crutches away from me and they clattered harshly on the stone path. "Shh, Bells, I got you. It'll be okay."

It wouldn't be okay. There's no way in fucking hell that it would ever be okay again. I couldn't deny it anymore. Not while the evidence stared me right in the face. Not while I could see the evidence that tells no lies. That Jake was dead. That our baby was dead.

The cold hard truth tore that last shred of hope from my soul.

As I clung to my big brother's shirt, soaking the fabric with my salty tears, I couldn't deny it anymore.

I was all alone. And I was staring at the very place where my husband and baby _died_.

* * *

Tell me what you think! I'm dying to know. The next chapter is basically half written already! We'll get to some real depression.

Check out the blog for Disrepair at http:/ disrepair . tumblr . com/ Lots of goodies. You'll be able to add your own things there as well. Also I added information on depression and the like.

Follow me on twitter chy3 for teaser alerts and blog updates. I plan to start adding little quotes from upcoming chapters on my twitter.

Tell me about your holidays. I want to hear your travelling horror stories. Along with your thoughts on this chapter.

Reviews get you previews if you ask for them! I actually have one for Chp6! So it's there if you want it.

M. Perez


	6. Chapter 6 The Death Of You

**_VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION! PLEASE READ THIS A/N! _**

**We are finally touching on the sensitive material I've been alluding to since I started posting this story. This chapter is heavy and not to be taken lightly. These are raw emotions. There is a lot of depression. And I decided to go the fairly graphic route. There are thoughts of suicide. Not just a character brushing over the thought, I mean real thoughts. If you have never had depression before you will get a good look at what it's like. Yes, there is cutting. It is towards the end and I will have it in bold so you can skip over it if you are too squeamish for it. I also put the suicide daydreaming in bold. If you don't want to read this chapter at all let me know and I will send you a summary of the chapter. The heaviest stuff is towards the end. **

**Please note that I take depression seriously. I went through it myself. This chapter has been very emotional for me. And I wrote it as fast as I could. Because of this you are getting this chapter much earlier than you normally would. I just can't hold onto it for long. Through the entire writing process for chapter 6 my palms have been clammy, my heart races, and my body shakes uncontrollably. I had to glue myself to my seat and just do it. It is hard for me to post this but it's even harder for me to hold on to. By writing this chapter I am giving you a piece of myself. You can know for sure that what is being written is all real emotions. I'm giving a realistic view into the mind of someone who is depressed. **

**These are serious matters with serious consequences. I highly encourage you all to go to the blog for Disrepair and click on the page that says links. There you can find links to information on depression and cutting. Know the signs. Be aware. Be proactive. But most of all SUPPORT. And leave your judgments at the door. It's the best way to deal with depression in my opinion. **

.com

A huge thanks to everybody who reviewed. And a humongous thank you to my beta Tima83 for braving this story with me.

**_Disclaimer! I own nothing of Twilight or the products and businesses mentioned in this story. _**

Enjoy.

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I didn't know nothing  
I was stupid, I was foolish  
I was lying to myself  
I could not fathom that I would ever  
Be without your love  
Never imagined I'd be  
Sitting here beside myself  
The feeling that I'm feeling

Now that I don't hear your voice  
Or have your touch and kiss your lips  
'Cause I don't have a choice  
Oh, what I wouldn't give  
To have you lying by my side  
When you left I lost a part of me  
It's still so hard to believe

Who's gonna take your place?  
There ain't nobody better

I can't sleep at night  
When you are on my mind

And it's breaking my heart  
I'm trying to keep it together  
But I'm falling apart  
I'm throwing thing, crying  
Trying to figure out  
Where the hell I went wrong  
~We Belong Together by Mariah Carey

**Chapter 6 - The Death Of You**

_"__Hey, Bella," he whispered. I turned to look at him and couldn't help the giant grin that overtook my face. His smile was so big already. It took my breath away._

_But I bet I could make it bigger…_

_"__Hi," I breathed. He patted the bed, inviting me in. I wasted no time, quickly snuggling up to him and stealing warmth from him. _

_"__How was your day, Bells?"_

_I had to hide my grin. "Oh, you know, the usual…" _

_He laughed, "The usual. Did you get to arrest anyone?"_

_"__Yes, I did."_

_"__Bet they thought they could take you, huh?"_

_"__Ha ha, yeah he sure tried. That just means I had to add a resisting arrest charge." _

_"__Shame."_

_"__Very."_

_We laid in bed just enjoying each others company for some time. After a while I couldn't contain it anymore._

_"__Jake?"_

_"__Bells?"_

_"__I'm pregnant." Silence. This shocked me because I expected him to be jumping up and down in excitement. I sat up on my elbow, looked him in the eye and tried again, "Jake. I'm pre-"_

_"__I heard ya, Bells. You're really pregnant?" I nodded dumbly. Swifter than you would think possible he had me wrapped in his arms crushing me to him. "I'm going to be a dad!"_

_I smiled and laughed. "Yes, you are."_

_"__We're going to be parents!"_

_"__We are." _

I clutched the bathroom sink, my fingers turning white from the pressure, trying to fight off the sudden appearance of bile in the back of my throat. The memories made me sick. My reflection made me sick. Just being alive made me sick.

I was so disgusted with myself for not realizing the truth sooner. My family had been dead a month before I accepted it. And that was unacceptable.

I hated myself! I hated being alive. I hated that I had to survive when they couldn't. I shouldn't have, but I did. It was_me_ they were after. _I_ was meant to die that night.

I stared into my eyes studying the deadness of them. But they still had _life_ because my heart still _beat_. There was nothing more that I wanted other than to join my dead family. However there was no way I could leave this Earth without seeking justice first. The person responsible would pay. I would see to it. Personally.

Seemingly of their own accord my hands gripped the sides of my face. I could feel my cheekbones - skin and bones. My fingers danced under my eyes, poking the near black bags hanging under my _life_less, flat, brown eyes. My limp and greasy brown hair.

I gagged.

All identifiers, however warped, of a person of which I was no longer. I no longer felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt like a sick imitation of a human being.

I was no longer Mrs. Bella Black, Jake's wife.

I was now Ms. - pronounced mizz, like a fucking bee - Black, Widow to the Late Jacob Black.

Never again would I see his face, hear him laugh, feel him touch me, smell his woodsy scent. Kiss him. Hug him. Just plain love him.

Everywhere I went people stopped to give me their condolences. I didn't want them. I didn't need them. They wouldn't bring back my best friend. My confidant.

Standing there, leaning against the counter, because I still couldn't walk, I couldn't stomach who I presented. I still looked like someone who had life. My outsides didn't match my insides.

Black. Black soul. Black heart. Black last name.

_I should complete the image._

I scrambled for a pair of scissors, tearing through cabinets and drawers. I paid little mind to the mess I left behind. Someone else could clean it up, I didn't give a fuck.

Grabbing a fistful of hair I took the shears and angrily began to cut. Nearly a foot in length falling in the sink, on the counter, on the floor.

Before I would have cried at the loss, but now… it was inconsequential. Nothing compared to what I'd already lost.

In less then ten minutes my hair was an angry mess of shoulder length, poorly cut, style. It never looked worse. But it also never looked better.

I threw the scissors in the direction of the tub, screaming a profanity. A small piece of tile flew away from the wall, landing with a small _chink_ along with the scissors. I'd seen a box of hair dye days prior and set out to search for it in the rubble caused minutes earlier. It was black.

I didn't bother to place the complimentary gloves on my hands. _Let my skin stain black, like a black plague of sorts, I don't care._ It would be fitting, I was a plague all by myself.

After rinsing the excess dye from my hair I ran a hand through it, appraising my work. I was satisfied with the results.

It felt right.

Had Alice or Rose been around I never would have succeeded with what I just did. Ever since my break down at the house a few weeks ago I had not had one minute alone to myself. Today I'd been alone for just over two hours. I certainly didn't expect it to last much longer.

I hopped back to my room cursing my broken body.

I couldn't really complain though. I should be dead. Instead all I had was a broken bone, some already healed cuts and a now faulty brain. I could only hope that this shit would last forever, it would be exactly what I deserved.

But that would be counterproductive. I needed to get better, I had to see to it that the right people paid the same price that my family did.

I couldn't leave this planet until they did.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

I remembered the conversation I had after I had finally calmed down outside mine and Jake's house. Emmett had to practically drag my dead weight back into the car. I screamed, I hit, I grabbed and clawed at anything and everything just so I could stay longer at the last place my family was alive.

_I needed more answers. There was still pieces of the puzzle missing. I had an edited version of events. And I couldn't help but be pissed at everyone who hid anything from me. But it was short lived. I just couldn't find it in me to hold onto undeserved anger. _

_"__Tell me what happened."_

_"__Bella," Emmett reproached._

_"__Don't 'Bella' me! Tell me the goddamn truth!"_

_He threw his hands in the air, "Okay." He paused and swallowed roughly, tears already threatening to pour from his eyes. "We got a call around three in the morning from Mom. The doctors wanted to know if she knew an Isabella Black and when she confirmed your relationship they asked that she come in. They wouldn't tell her anything. Mom called me on her way to the hospital and I called your dad. _

_"__We had no idea what was going on. We didn't know if you were even alive." _

_All I could think in response to that was, "I wish I was dead." But of course I didn't say it aloud._

_"__Bells, they wouldn't let us see you. We had to go through questioning, all the while we had no idea what had even happened. We waited another four hours before anyone came to tell us anything. They said- They said that you had fallen into a coma. That they had to reset your leg. And that before they even got to the scene… That you had already lost the baby." _

_I lost it there. Sobs wracked my body. The thought of my baby never getting the chance to take his first breath absolutely killed me. _

_I felt multiple hands rubbing soothing circles on my back and I angrily slapped them away._

_"__Go on, please."_

_Em sucked in a deep breath and held it for a moment, "We were told that you suffered from a placental abruption. A fancy word for the necessary parts weren't attached anymore. The doctors kept calling the baby a fetus, no matter how many times we corrected them. When we asked about Jake all they said was that there was no record of a Jacob Black in the system._

_"__Fire fighters didn't have the fire contained enough until late morning and they could start investigating." Emmett took a stuttering breath, and this time he couldn't hold the tears. "They uh, they found remains of a body… And uh…" Emmett cleared his throat. "And three days later they were confirmed as Jacob's._

_"__After your emergency surgeries the doctor told us they had decided to put you in a chemically induced coma for only a couples days and then they would take you out… But you didn't wake up. We thought we would lose you, too. And then you finally did wake up but you didn't remember anything. Dr. Cullen said to have hope and that you would recover back to your old self in your own time. He said that we should stay away from topics that would trigger your memory because you needed to remember on your terms. And that any other way could be harmful._

_"__About a week after the incident we received the official fire report. It was confirmed that it was arson. The fresh paint on the walls and the full cans, plus the house hold cleaning products added to the mix, caused a back draft when you opened the front door. It threw you out and locked Jake in. Whoever started the fire used a mix of gas, oil and anything else flammable that could be poured. _

_"__We held off as long as we could before holding a memorial service for Jake. With us not knowing how long it would be before you woke up… we didn't want to prolong everybody's grief. Jake's family had a special headstone made. I'll take you to it whenever you want, Bells, you just say the word and I promise."_

_"__Okay…"_

I still hadn't been to see Jake's stone. Hadn't yet said my goodbyes. I didn't want to see him until I was healed. Physically at least. There was only one way I would ever be fully healed; if I was in the plot next to Jake.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

The front door slamming closed jolted me from my practically nonexistent nap.

"Fuck," I whispered, annoyed.

Heavy footfalls clambered towards the kitchen. The fridge door opened. Bottles clanked from the movement. Jars were tossed onto the counter. The fridge door closed. The ice maker crushing ice cubes.

… Emmett.

_Fucking noisy bastard._

The moment the front door slammed closed again I was already fighting the urge to rip my hair out.

"Hey, babe," Emmett bellowed.

"Hey."

I mocked the lovebirds, moving my hands like puppets and imitating what I knew they'd be doing in that exact moment.

I was disgusted by it all.

I shoved my makeshift puppets into my mouth and bit down enough to hold back the crude words ready to spill out.

I slapped a pillow over my face and screamed when the door opened for a third time, granting entrance to none other than Alice.

"Honey, I'm home," she sang in the deepest voice she could.

"Why hello, dear," Emmett replied, pitching his voice in his best female imitation. _Fuck me sideways…_

I hated their walls, they were entirely too thin for my liking.

The tiny clicking sound of heals, that could only belong to Alice, moved towards my room. She hummed under her breath.

"Bella, don't forget you have your physical therapy today. We'll leave at-" she cut off. I had never seen her eyes so big and for a moment I forgot that I expected that reaction. I had also forgotten that I even cut my hair. "Three," she finished. Alice stepped into the hall and hollered, "Rose! Em!"

The frantic tone in her voice made them rush.

"What's the matter," Rose hurried.

All Alice could do was point at me. Rose and Emmett followed Alice's line of sight, landing on me.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?" Rose screeched.

I shrugged. "What does it look like?"

"Why did you do that?" Alice squeaked.

"Because." Another shrug.

"Alice, call the salon and demand an emergency appointment. We're going to get this fixed."

Alice flipped out her cell and walked to the corner of my room, frantically waving her arms as she tried to explain why the appointment was necessary.

"Whatever," I mumbled.

"I like it," Emmett said. I nodded to him in thanks.

Rosalie turned to him appalled, full out bitch-facing him.

"What?" He threw his hands palm up and shrugged. As fast as lightening Rose shot out a hand and slapped him,_ hard_, across the back of his head.

"OW! What the fuck, Rosie?"

"Why did you do this, Bella?" she asked.

Completely disinterested in replying, I shrugged again. I didn't have to answer to them. What I wanted to do with my hair and body was none of their concern.

I turned my attention to the crack on the wall. It was a flaw in the paint. I could relate to the fucker. My ears tuned out of the conversations going on around me as I stared unblinkingly at the small imperfection. All that registered was faint mumblings, which in reality was probably a lot louder than I was comprehending. I imagined that Alice and Rose were arguing over something that concerned me, like they've been doing constantly since I was released from the hospital, while Emmett stood off to the side keeping his unusually smart mouth shut. I'd seen and heard this a lot in the past weeks. It was a high pitched squeak that broke me from my stupor though.

"What the hell happened?"

I looked at Alice with disinterest.

"I couldn't find the scissors," I supplied, turning back to stare at the crack.

"Couldn't find the scissors," she asked incredulously and scoffed.

"Emmett, could you clean that up while we take her to the salon and the physical therapist." Rose questioned.

"Sure."

Alice tossed an outfit beside me on the bed. I picked the shirt up, pinching it with my thumb and index finger like it would infect me with germs or something. It was frilly and happy. Nothing I was feeling at the moment nor would ever feel again.

"I'm not wearing this."

"Yes, you are. Now, come on, let's go. Get dressed," she ordered.

"No, fuck that. I'll wear what I wanna wear. You don't need to pick out my clothes for me like I'm fucking five." Alice's nostrils flared in what I assumed was anger.

"Fine. Get fucking dressed and let's. Go." She stormed out of the room and Rosalie and Emmett followed her reluctantly.

Once my room was cleared out I hopped to the door and put a lot of effort into not slamming it. Instead I let it click shut quietly and then jumped to my walk-in closet. After I chose my outfit I sat on the bed and tossed my braced leg up to my side. After removing the brace, I carefully pulled on the purple Nike shorts I had picked and then re-strapped the brace back on.

Despite Alice's rushing I took my time finishing getting ready. When I was satisfied that I had everything on that I needed, I grabbed my crutches and hobbled like a pro out of my room.

"You can't wear that!" Alice's dramatics over my wardrobe was way past getting on my nerves and I was just ready to go back to bed and sleep. Sleeping was the only way I could see my family again and I didn't want to waste a fucking second that could be spent dreaming of what I could never have again.

_I could never have that again_, I thought. _Fuck._ My heart broke all over again, the pain stealing my breath away.

I pointed to the Invader Zim shirt I wore, which clearly said, "Deal with it." I needed to catch my breath before I could speak again. And luckily my shirt said all I needed to say.

"Where did you even get it? I sure as hell didn't buy it for you."

"I have my ways," I replied evasively. _The fucking internet. And a helpful Emmett. _

"Emmett," she yelled. "Go grab one of your baseball caps, please."

"Okay, Pixie." Emmett found a black American Eagle hat for me. He shoved it on my head, flicking the bill, as he passed me to finish cleaning the mess I'd made.

"Let's get this shit over with."

As we passed the entryway table I snagged my Ray-Ban aviator style sunglasses.

On the drive to wherever the fuck they were taking me I thought about the last seven weeks and all that had happened. I couldn't get over the fact that I was so _stupid_. The fact that I allowed my fear to cloud my logic. That I let myself believe it was all a farce. The time I spent pretending it all wasn't real could have been better spent another way, _any_ other way. Instead I ignored what my mind was telling me was true and what the people around me were saying. It was right in front of my face and it took me seeing the last place my family was alive for me to accept it.

It was un-_fucking_-acceptable. It was disgusting. It was down right repulsive.

Even though I could recall the events that happened I wouldn't accept the truth. It was unforgivable of me to do. It was incredibly selfish. And it was a disgrace to Jake and our baby that I let it happen.

I was a deluded bitch and I could now understand all the little looks that were shared between the rest of my family and friends. I could see them for what they were now.

It was pity.

I hated it.

I hated me.

"We're here." Rose's words ripped me from my musings and I finally looked at my surroundings. We had pulled up in front of the Mane Attraction Salon on Camelback road.

I groaned in frustration but did my best to exit the car. After great effort I was finally able to stand, placing the crutches under my arm. I couldn't wait till I could get rid of the bastards. My arm pits were way past raw at this point.

Because I was crippled we were seated quickly at a station and were greeted by a very chipper woman. As soon as she spoke the first sentence I wanted to fucking claw her eyes out for being so happy.

"What are we doing today," she asked. And then she looked at me. "Oh my god…"

"Yea. What can you do to fix it," Alice pleaded.

"Well I can smooth out the cuts and re-dye it back to normal-"

"You can 'smooth the cuts' but I will not allow you to 're-dye' it. No fucking way, Barbie," I cut in, folding my arms across my body. I wasn't budging on this shit.

An hour later my hair was 'fixed' and deemed appropriate by my best friend and sister-in-law. In the end I was fine with it. At least I wouldn't _look_ crazy.

My physical therapy appointment was at three thirty and it was already three ten. If I was going to make it on time we would have to hurry. The drive from the salon to my therapist's was an eleven minute drive without traffic and close to twenty with traffic.

We made it with one minute to spare.

"Hey, Bella," my physical therapist Mike greeted. Over the last few weeks my memory had gotten much better. I would still forget the little things or things that don't pop in ones mind but names were much better now.

"Mike."

Until I get the word from the doctor that I could remove the brace permanently we only worked on shortening my reaction time.

"So, do you want to use the tennis balls or the focus pads?"

"Focus pads." I felt like punching something and this would be the best option. Otherwise I would probably end up hitting someone or something. I strapped on a pair of punching gloves and got to work. Since I couldn't stand and keep my balance while punched I had to sit in a chair. The goal was to punch the pad Mike held up as fast as I could. He moved the pads in every direction, giving my brain a wide variety to work with. I hesitated a few times and punched into thin air occasionally but mostly I hit the pad each time, albeit reacting slower than I would like.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

Nights were the worst. It was when I missed my family the most. It was when they haunted me.

I missed the way Jake would wrap his arms around me as we slept, even though he nearly killed me every night with his intense body heat. I missed his breath on my neck causing my hair to tickle me. I missed the way he would absentmindedly rub my swollen belly. I missed feeling the fluttering of our baby.

I loved the memories.

I couldn't stand them. It hurt too much to remember all the things I lost. But I couldn't bare to ever forget them. It was the worst kind of torture and it was just what I deserved.

I felt the most vulnerable at night. Like the boogeyman could jump out at anytime and scare me. On the other hand it's when I felt the most comfortable. The veil of night was reassuring. Almost like it was safer than day time. During the day it felt like everything was out in the open for everyone to see and to judge. It was an irrational feeling that I couldn't shake. I didn't even know if I wanted to.

At night my mind raced and I couldn't control it. My thoughts were at their loudest then.

I didn't know how I could live without Jake. Without his love in my life. I would give anything to have him back. Would kill for him.

Not long after being released from the hospital I began thinking of death. Death in general. It was such an abstract concept. I couldn't help but wonder what happened when our hearts stopped beating. Did we just die with nowhere to go afterward? Were souls real? If so, was there really a Heaven and Hell? I couldn't help but wonder where I would go and I was fairly certain I would go to hell. Was death spent in a black nothingness?

I was plagued nightly by these thoughts for a while before they morphed into something else.

It morphed into thoughts of my own death. Would I be able to see my family again? Would Jake be up there in heaven with our son? Or just by himself?

**I began to think of ways I could die so I could see Jake and our baby again. Pros and cons of every way would rule out my options. Asking myself, would it be long and painful? Would it be instantaneous? How ****much planning ahead would it take? Or could I do it on a whim? I ended up with a few different options that way I would have a different courses of action for every mood.**

**Rosalie and Emmett's house had a balcony on the second level. I thought about that balcony often. How short would the rope have be? Should I use sheets instead? How much time would I need? What if someone found me before I died? What would the effects be then? **

**My doctor had prescribed me some strong pain medications and there were other prescriptions in the house. There was cough syrup and other common cold remedies. If I took them all at once would it be a long process or not? Would I need hours alone to myself or just an hour? Would it cause me pain? What if I was found? What then? **

**What I feared the most was, if I tried to kill myself, that I would be found. Being found prematurely would be the worst thing.**

Ultimately I decided against offing myself. Because how else would the people who killed my family pay for their crime? They wouldn't and I just couldn't leave this Earth without knowing what became of the fuckers.

Instead I'd been contemplating other alternatives recently. Though I couldn't quiet the suicidal thoughts altogether. They just became more like a dull buzz in the background of my mind.

This new craving seemed to come from nowhere. It was completely left field and left me breathless. But I couldn't shake it. At first I just kind of brushed it off. It just kept coming up more and more and more.

It'd been a few days since I'd first thought of it but everyday the urge grew stronger. _Especially_ when I was alone at night.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

"How are you doing, Sweetheart?" my mom asked.

I looked up from the loose thread at the bottom of my shirt with droopy eyes.

"I'm fine, Mom."

"Don't lie to me. I know you're not fine."

I huffed. "Well, what do you want me to say? That everything is all fucking sunshine and rainbows? That would be a lie. Or should I drag you down with the truth? That I can't stop thinking of Jake and our baby? That I wish I would have died right along with them? What do you want me to tell you?"

She ignored my words and took me into her arms.

I lost it. I lost control of the tight lid I had on my emotions and tears. The salt water slipping down my face soaked her shirt.

"I know, baby, I know," she chanted as she rocked us side to side. Unlike everybody else she didn't tell me that everything would be alright. Nothing would ever be alright ever again and hearing those words only pissed me off.

It felt good to be in my mom's comforting embrace. I could unload all my worries on her. That's what she was there for. And it was exactly what I needed even though I didn't even know it till I was already in her arms.

That was the first time I had felt safe since the incident.

After I had calmed down my mom leaned back and said, "There now." Her thumbs lightly brushed the tears from my face. "What do you say we get you out of this house for a while, huh?"

Before she even finished her statement I was already shaking my head. I didn't want to go out in public where I knew I would see happy couples and families everywhere I looked.

"Don't shake your head at me! This isn't up for debate. I'm taking you out and we're going to get a juicy burger and go shopping. Heaven knows just how much you need some meat on your bones. You've lost a lot a weight in these last weeks."

I dropped my head in shame and defeat.

"Now go get dressed, sweetheart. I'll wait for you here."

I changed into a pair of charcoal Nike Mada pants with my brace strapped over top it and a purple and black baseball tee. Alice wouldn't approve but I didn't care, I was comfortable.

My mom took me to In-N-Out ordering me the biggest burger they had with the largest order of fries. I took maybe three bites and picked at the food the rest of the time we were there.

We didn't talk much and she regaled me with stories of her and Phil, my step dad and Emmett's father. As long as she supplied the conversation and stayed away from talk of Jake and our baby everything would be hunky dory.

After eating we drove over to Glendale to go to Westgate City Center. Since I was on crutches my mom didn't drag me to every store like I know she wanted to. She would have for sure if I didn't have the crutches.

In one of the stores a leather wrist cuff and a leather bracelet caught my eye. So I bought them and put them on as soon as we left the store.

I had lost my cell phone in the fire so we stopped at the Verizon retailer and purchased another phone for me.

With our purchases in hand we went back to Rosalie and Emmett's house after I had tired out.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

Another week passed marking two months since Jake and our baby, Jayden's, deaths. My mood progressively spiraled downward along with my thoughts. The urge I had started to feel nearly two weeks prior turned to a constant thought.

But the two month mark pushed me over the edge. I was angry. And sad. And confused. I wished for death. I wouldn't do it though.

**Before I knew what I was doing I gripped the scissors I'd used to cut my hair and pressed firmly to my wrist. I hesitated only a moment before I slowly made my first cut ever. It wasn't deep enough to need stitches, but it was enough to make it bleed quite a bit. A few seconds passed before I felt anything. **

When I did… It was the greatest kind of relief and I sighed. For the first time in two months I felt relaxed. My racing mind was quiet. And I could breathe.

It was euphoric. A natural high. I felt light as air. And I vibrated with the feeling of adrenaline and endorphins.

Already I was hooked.

I grabbed the hand towel from the counter pressing it to the wound. I pivoted on my good foot and slid down to the floor. My head lolled to the side while I thought about what I'd just done.

I noted that I hadn't even felt any pain and that for the first time in so long I had smiled a genuine smile.

By the time I had come down from my high the towel pressed to my wrist was soaked with my blood and I was beginning to feel the pain. I liked this pain though, it took the hurt away from my heart and made it physical.

I cleaned up the mess I made and wrapped some gauze around my wrist before settling in for the night.

And for once I fell right to sleep and dreamt of absolutely fucking _nothing_.

* * *

Another big update! And so soon after my last post. Crazy insane. I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief when I get to consider this chapter done. This chapter was really a rough ride for me. It brought me back to a time I really hate to remember but don't ever plan to forget. Catch 22 really.

Please, I encourage you to visit the blog for this fic and learn about depression and cutting. You will also find the outfits and some other things mentioned in the chapters there.

Give me your thoughts on this chapter. I want to know your impressions from it.

Another huge thanks for my beta Tima83 for braving this story. Read her awesome story, **Victim**. Also thanks to those who made it to the end of the chapter where they could read this A/N. YOU MADE IT!

~M. Perez


	7. Chapter 7 Bittersweet

Surprise! You get a lemon! My very first lemon ever. Consider my cherry popped. I never intended for there to be any lemonade but that's what happened. (And you know what they say about when life gives you lemons…) That's what our dear Bella was thinking about. WHAT A DIRTY GIRL! So I took it and ran with it. Plus, after last chapter we all need a little lightness in the story don't ya think?

I understand how some of Bella's thoughts can be disturbing. And quite honestly she is not at all thinking right. You think and do stuff completely different while your depressed. It's a whole other animal to work with.

I do not have a medical license, so, all medical mumbo jumbo is all my inference and creative license.

**PLEASE NOTE **this story is not for the faint hearted. There is** depression, thoughts of suicide, and cutting**. If you are under 18 please do not read this story. If you continue to read it anyway, ignorance is bliss and I do not wish to know your age. This is rated NC-17 for exactly what is written within this chapter. **WARNING this chapter contains; lemons, thoughts of suicide, cutting, common usage of the word "fuck" and all that adds to BE 18!** The sensitive material is in **bold**. Feel free to skip it.

Tissue warning.

Thanks to all who review and my fabulous beta **Tima83**. **I do not own Twilight or any other recognizable products, business', etc.**

* * *

_Previously…_

_By the time I had come down from my high the towel pressed to my wrist was soaked with my blood and I was beginning to feel the pain. I liked this pain though, it took the hurt away from my heart and made it physical._

_I cleaned up the mess I made and wrapped some gauze around my wrist before settling in for the night. _

_And for once I fell right to sleep and dreamt of absolutely fucking __**nothing**__._

Chapter 7 - Bittersweet

**June 8th, 2006. 2 months and 1 day since the death of Jake and baby.**

The next morning I woke well rested and relaxed. I had slept a full night without a single dream or nightmare. It was new and made me all the more addicted to cutting. But I would have to be careful about it. I couldn't have people questioning me and I couldn't get too carried away with it. I couldn't afford to have to go to the hospital all because I cut too deep. I didn't need that kind of attention.

I sighed and reluctantly left bed to take a shower. I knew I had something to do today but couldn't remember what that something was. It was a poor way to start the day and immediately my content mood plummeted.

The en-suite bathroom was the only bathroom that didn't have a tub connected to the shower. It was perfect; allowing me to shower without assistance. Especially now, because I wouldn't be able to hide the cut across my wrist.

After grabbing my clothes for the day I went to work unwrapping the gauze covering my wound. Over the night it had stopped bleeding completely and the blood soaked fibers were now brown. I winced when the gauze stuck to my skin, causing a few drops of blood to appear. I rinsed off the crust beneath the sink.

Suddenly I realized that the sight of blood didn't make me nauseas. In fact, the last time it made me sick was before the incident. I quickly brushed the thought away, not wanting to dwell on it for even a second.

I tried to shower as fast as possible because it was a dangerous time for me. There was always too much time for thinking. It was like the hot water opened the floodgates in your mind.

But, before I could stop myself I was trapped in a memory of Jake.

_"__Hey what are you doing in here?" I asked with a smile. I certainly wasn't upset about it. _

_Jake wrapped his arms around me and turned us so he was under the spray of the water. The steamy water cascaded over him in the most tantalizing of ways. I wanted to lick him, but I resisted the urge. Reluctantly._

_"__I thought we'd conserve water."_

_"__That's so cheesy," I replied huskily._

_"__Only the best cheese for you." His voice was deep and raspy in arousal, and it sent shivers down my spine. _

_Jake's lips attached to my neck, paying special attention to my pulse point. I moaned in satisfaction when he hummed against my skin. The sensations all going straight to my core. I had to wrap my arms around his shoulders to stay standing as he worked. He pushed me to the shower wall, his lips moving everywhere, our breaths labored._

_When I could no longer resist the urge to touch him I took his length in my palm and leisurely stroked. His head fell back exposing his throat and I took full advantage of it, eagerly sucking on his salty skin. I gripped his member tighter and made a few more strokes before I let go altogether. _

_He didn't appreciate my teasing and he growled, making me giggle until he pressed flush against me just before picking me up. I wrapped my legs around him automatically which caused his member to rub along my folds. _

_In retaliation he teased my entrance and clit, making my breathing all the more difficult. My frustration got the better of me and I pinched his nipples which caused him to buck his hips just right as I angled my own body so he'd slip right in. _

_That one fluid movement connected us and we both moaned at the sensation created by the sudden connection. Our lips smashed together in hunger while we worked in a frenzy towards our climaxes. Jake's seed spilling inside me threw me over the edge, and we slowed to a stop. _

_He pulled back just enough to look me in the eye. "I love you."_

_I hummed contentedly. "Love you, too."_

The memory of how we'd conceived our baby stole my breath away and I leaned against the wall, sliding down into a sitting position and sobbed.

It hurt so much to remember, but I was _so scared_ to forget.

After I had stopped crying I finished showering and dried off, careful of my wrist. I wrapped it up again, using as little gauze as possible, before covering it up with the leather cuff and bracelet I had bought a while back.

I decided to wear my favorite pants; the Nike Mada's. They were so comfortable, even while wearing my brace. I slipped a gray tank on, wearing it beneath my tee.

Because I no longer cared about appearance I just ran a brush through my hair and then combed my fingers through it, calling it good. I knew that once I went back to work I would have to start caring about looks again, so I was savoring things while I could.

Thinking about going back to work sparked my memory and reminded me of what I had to do today. I would finally find out whether or not I could ditch my fucking crutches and brace. However, I couldn't remember when the appointment was or who was taking me. I groaned in frustration for my lack of memory. If I didn't gain my ability to remember the small things I would never be able to go back to work. Aro would make me resign for sure.

I made a mental note to look for memory games on the internet. That's assuming I could even remember that note._Fuck._

I sighed and made my way to the living room to wait for whoever was on 'Bella duty' today. I sat on the couch doing, literally, nothing for three hours before anybody came to the house. My mind was blank, not an errant thought to be had. I was grateful for the peace and attributed it to the aftermath of the night before.

It was that or I was just drained from the episode in the shower.

Didn't matter either way.

My eyes traveled across the wall taking in all the decorations. There were little knick knacks, candles, and picture frames on shelves lining the entire room. As I surveyed the wall I found a flaw; A few square patches where the paint was a richer color, like there were once frames there. For a split second I wondered what they had been but quickly decided I didn't care - at all.

I was startled out of my daze when a voice cleared behind me.

"Bella."

"Dad," I replied as I turned to face him.

"S'pose I have chaperone duty."

"Yup."

And that was that. That was the extent of our conversation. It's what I loved about my father, he didn't beat around the bush and we just _got_ each other. I was glad that he was the one taking me to my appointment. I wouldn't have to worry about being normal on the outside while on the inside I'd be a nervous wreck.

I put Em's hat and my aviator sunglasses on, and Charlie helped me into his car before getting in himself. He must have just come from work because he was in a suit and tie - which he calls a "monkey suit" and only puts up with it because it's "all apart the job as police chief to such a big city." He couldn't resist putting his own hat and aviators on. It was like a shield for him. I had never understood it until recently.

I had to admit he looked better in his jeans and t-shirts than he did in a stuffy suit.

We discussed our plans for the day as we drove, deciding to go to my office and speak with my boss after my appointment. Hopefully with good news…

If the doctor allowed me to remove the brace permanently I'd go out and purchase a car as well.

The fire had destroyed everything. All mine and Jake's personal possessions, including the cars, along with my entire life. It took everything I lived for. The material things didn't matter other than it was an inconvenience. It was my family. It's what defined me as a human being that was ripped from me. Now I had nothing to live for other than to make the right people pay for what they stole from me. From the people who knew and loved Jake. From the unborn baby that I'd carried, who's future never got to blossom.

If I had to go through grueling physical therapy sessions and go back to living like a normal person to make it happen, I would, no matter how much I wished to just quit and join my family in the afterlife. _If there even was one._

I wished that something, anything, could have withstood the fire so I could have more than just memories of my family. But at the same time I was glad that it was all destroyed. It already hurt too bad to keep remembering the memories I did have. What would physical reminders do to me?

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

"So, Bella," the doctor mumbled into the papers of my chart. He flipped a couple pages back and forth. "If your x-rays look good you'll be able to remove the brace completely today."

"Okay." He still hadn't looked up since we started this conversation and I was quickly getting pissed.

"Now have you been putting weight on your leg every now and then?" Fuck nuts was _still_ flipping through my chart and avoiding looking me or my father in the eye. At this point I couldn't tell you what color his damn eyes were. Even when he first walked into the room he didn't bother to look us in the eye.

"Yes, I have." I tried to keep my voice from giving away my irritation, but I failed. I was steaming in anger and could barely focus on the conversation because of it.

"Have you been able to, with the assistance of your crutches, put weight on the leg and walk?"

"Hey! Dipshit!" I snapped. Numbskull finally tore his sight from my oh-so-fascinating medical history. "What kind of doctor are you? Look me in the eyes." I gestured with my hand, pointing to my own eyes. "How the hell did you even get your license to practice medicine? I'm not paying a specialist to talk to my chart, or for me to talk to his bald. Head!"

"Bella," Charlie kept warning as I ranted.

The incompetent doctor looked very afraid of me right now.

_Good_, I thought.

"Oh! Your eyes are blue! I never would have guessed," I seethed.

"I-I apolog-gize. How rude of me." I scoffed and shook my head incredulously.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's get this shit over with."

Maybe I was being overly rude, but I couldn't help it. His bedside manners - or manners in general - were in poor shape and I didn't understand why on Earth he was in this profession if he couldn't look his patients in the eye.

Doctor Air-For-Brains cleared his throat nervously and continued from where he'd left off, repeating his question from before I snapped.

I replied with an exaggerated, "yes."

"I'll send a nurse in to take you to x-ray." He rushed to pick up the materials he'd brought in with him and made a hasty exit.

As soon as the door closed Charlie was grilling me and my poor manners. _Ha!_

"I couldn't help it, alright? Just… You know how it is," I explained lamely. He just nodded, deciding to just let it be. We'd always gotten each other and I figured this instance was no different. Maybe I was wrong.

After the x-rays were done I was taken back to the room to wait for the doctor to get the films. I had eaten the nails on my thumb and index finger to the nub, I was so nervous. The results would define how soon I could start strengthening my body back to normal._ And_ the sooner I could find those fuckers.

My eyes traveled across the walls searching for flaws. I found so many! And it was suffocating me. I felt like I could barely breathe. I couldn't help but think, _why is something that's supposed to be so clean and perfect be so flawed and broken?_ Hospitals and clinics were supposed to be sterile and just… Why were there cracks?

_Why so many cracks?_

It felt like the walls were closing in on me as my gaze shifted from imperfection to imperfection and back again.

I was frightened when something heavy and warm landed on my shoulder and I quickly recoiled from it, searching for the source. My breaths were coming in short pants, and I felt frantic, but breathed a sigh of relief that it was just my dad.

A maniacal laugh escaped from my throat before I could control it once I realized the irrational fear that caused me to panic. My dad gave me the oddest look. One I didn't understand.

"Are you alright, Bells?" he asked tentatively.

I stuttered, "Yeah yeah. I'm fine. Just worked myself up over nothing."

Charlie didn't look convinced but reluctantly let it go. I'd long ago learned that he liked to go with the "ignorance is bliss" approached. And for once I was truly thankful for it.

It took me a couple minutes to gain control of my breathing and heart rate. Instead of looking at the walls I picked at my shirt nervously, doing my best to avoid another episode.

It must have worked because before I knew it the doctor was back.

And he was carrying a large manila envelope…

I was even more nervous than I was minutes ago. I felt like running away, afraid to know the answers, but I stayed glued to the table.

"Let's take a look at these shall we?" The doctor pulled out a couple x-ray films and put it on the white board. He flipped a couple switches and the lights flickered to life. He pulled a pen from his pocket and pointed, stating, "This here is the rod they placed. And here." He paused and moved the pen to another part of the picture. "Here is where the bone broke. It's healed quite nicely. You'll notice there's a little extra knot on both sides. It's perfectly normal. It's just excess calcification and will smooth out over time."

The doctor turned to me with a smile and continued, "You can remove the brace and begin physical therapy."

I let out a huge puff of air, not even realizing that I had held my breath while he spoke. "Thank you," I sighed.

"No problem. Now if you don't mind I'd like to take a look at your thigh… Do you mind?"

I shook my head 'no' and he sat on his rolling chair beside the table. It seemed like the doctor had regrouped while he was away and came back with a much better attitude. He instructed me to lay down before he moved the part of the gown I was wearing out of his way. For the x-rays I had to change into the stupid thing since my pants had metal on them.

After a short minute of examination he rolled back a couple inches and said, "Well, everything looks great! The surgeons did a great job stitching you up, and you won't have to worry about a nasty scar other than a thin line tracing down your thigh. You are free to get dressed and check out. If you're comfortable with it, you may leave without using the crutches. I highly suggest that you don't get rid of them, however, you may need them later on to help you adjust to walking again. At your next physical therapy appointment start working on strengthening that leg back up. Any questions?"

"Nope," I pleasantly replied. I couldn't wait for my next therapy appointment.

"Okay," The doctor smiled. "Go ahead and get changed, and then check out. Come back if you have any problems."

"Will do, doc," Charlie replied for me.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

I was in the best mood I had been in since before the incident as my dad and I walked to through the building towards the Federal Probation Offices. I had been told at some point from one of my family members that Aro had requested to see me after I got the go ahead to start physical training on my leg. He'd said he wanted to be up to date on the whole process. It benefited us all, and I needed his express approval to go back to work. I would need something to occupy my time until I could find the people responsible for the fire. And who knew how long that would be?

"Bella!" Aro greeted cheerfully, his arms wide as he stood from his chair. He pulled me into a tight, fatherly hug. It was fitting since he was like another father to me.

"Aro."

He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me arms length away to get a better view. "My," he sighed. "You look terrible."

I laughed humorlessly, "Yeah, well, I feel terrible."

"I know," he sympathized. "I know." Aro appraised me for a moment longer before smiling again. "I see you got rid of the crutches! Congrats! I assume you'll be hitting the gym as soon as you can, huh?"

He gave me a look that said I wouldn't fool him for a second if I tried to lie. I had a feeling that he knew exactly what I had planned. Him not calling me out on it was his acquiescence to it.

I would forever owe him.

"Yes, sir."

"Good, good. We miss you around here."

"I miss being here. Who took over my case loads?"

"I spread them out between everybody."

"Okay. Well," I paused, thinking, not knowing what else to say. "I'm going to go grab some things from my office."

"Thanks for stopping by, Bella." I nodded and turned to leave, tripping over my feet a little.

"I'll be there in a minute, Bells." I waved my hand over my shoulder, not bothering to turn around so I could respond to Charlie.

I limped the whole way down the hall and stopped in the doorway to my office, leaning heavily on the frame and appraising the room while I caught my breath. I got the feeling that things were missing. After giving it some thought I realized it was because my desk was too organized. Usually there were stacks of files and papers strewn about. Now all of those were gone.

I sighed and pushed off the doorjamb. My fingertips brushed reverentially across the surfaces I passed; the bookshelf, the table and chairs, and my desk.

I'd missed this place. Sure the job was rough but there was a lot of good times in it. A lot of men and women, even kids, who I had gotten to watch make a complete turn around from their previous selves. It was empowering to know that I did that, I made a difference in their lives and showed them how to be a part of society.

My fingers caressed my favorite part of the room - my desk chair. I sat in it, throwing my feet up on the desk carefully, leaning back to close my eyes and relax.

I didn't know what it was, but there was something soothing about just sitting there in silence.

Eventually I remembered that I was there for to pick up a few things. I sighed, pulling my legs down and turned to turn on the computer.

But something caught my eye before I reached it and I gasped in surprise.

Immediately, as fast as I could, I reached for the picture frame. Tears clouded my vision and I was dying to look away, but I was frozen in place.

Jake's intense gaze stared straight back at me as I looked at the engagement photo in my trembling hands. It was my favorite of the two of us together.

Before I could stop myself, my finger caressed his face and a sob tore through me.

It was so hard to look at the picture. However, I couldn't break my sight away.

Bittersweet, pleasurable torture.

I slammed the frame down, shattering the glass, before jumping up from my seat. An angry scream bubbled past my lips as all my previous contentment flew away from me. My hands gripped my hair, tugging painfully. I moved to the nearly bare wall near me and slammed the side of my fist against it over and over again.

I was so fucking angry! At everything.

My resolve to make the guilty pay wavered. For a moment I didn't think I could do it any longer. I didn't think I could survive after seeing the physical proof of Jake's life. Of our life. Up until now there was nothing around to remind me of Jake except my memories. _This is just too much. _

But as much as I didn't want to be able to see pictures of us together, I just couldn't part with it now that I had it.

It didn't take long for Aro and my dad to come rushing into the office with frightened looks on their faces.

"What's wrong, Bells?" Charlie urged.

I just pointed in the direction of my desk. They would be able to figure it out soon enough.

I knew the second they understood. Aro flipped the broken frame facedown and Charlie took me in his arms, even though I fought it at first. I collapsed into my fathers arms and cried even harder. He took every hit I threw at him, every curse. He let me scream, begging him "why." And he just rocked me, smoothing my hair and continued to shush me soothingly.

For the second time, I found comfort in my parents' arms, and in that moment I just needed my daddy.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

"Are you sure you don't just wanna go home?" my dad worried for the millionth time.

"Yes," I replied with no emotion.

After I had calmed down enough I quickly packed up the things I was there for, making sure to grab a couple photos of Jake with me. Now we were heading to the car dealership. With the brace gone I could drive again, but to do that, I would need a car.

I didn't want, nor need, a fancy, expensive car. It didn't need to be new. It just had to get me from point A to point B. I quickly decided I would get a car that was last years model. I hoped it would last me a great deal of time and that I wouldn't have to replace it for at least fifteen years.

If I lasted that long…

The 2006 Toyota Corolla was my pick. It was Jake's favorite color - red.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

I signed the necessary paperwork for the car and afterwards headed straight to Em and Rose's place. After the emotional rollercoaster of the day I was just ready to crawl into bed and do absolutely nothing.

Alice, Rosalie and Emmett were all in the living room watching something on the TV, screaming on top of each other_and_ the program. As soon as the door shut, though, all eyes were on me. Neither one of them spoke a word. All they did was watch me move about the house, limps, trips, clumsy stumbles and all. Something about my demeanor must have warned them not to say anything.

Though, at that moment I felt no emotions at all. But, something big was brewing. I could feel it. They must have been able to as well.

I didn't know how much more shit I could handle.

Since leaving my office I hadn't had a single thought about anything other than the next small task I had to do. I couldn't tell if it was good or bad.

I sat on the edge of my bed and just stared at the wall, the commotion in the other room a dull murmur in the background. Unconsciously I rocked in time with the ticking of the clock and slowly my mind began to run again. One thought after another began assaulting my brain. With each new thought came a fresh tear, and before long I was soaked.

I thought about the photos from my office and how I thought I'd lost every physical trace of Jake. I hadn't even thought about anybody else having anything left of him. In my own screwed up way I figured the fire had stolen _all_ of it, from every part of my life. It was such a silly thing to believe. And terribly naïve of me.

The office had moments of time frozen everywhere.

Mine and Jake's engagement pictures were among the collection. I remembered that day vividly. How we played around most of the time. How in love I felt with him as I sat upon his shoulders, in his arms, or just sitting next to him.

There was a photo of him in his suit and tie while at work. It was from one of the days I surprised him with lunch and snapped that picture as he was rounding the corner.

The last picture I took with me was from the last after tax party held almost a year ago. We had rented a hotel event ballroom with a small stage at the back of the room where a band played. I'd wanted to make him blush in public, so I got on stage and started a speech, telling all sorts of funny stories from when we were kids. After a little swaying I got him to come up with me. The picture was of me taking his hand as he stepped up on the stage. But all I could see as I looked at the picture now was me, with a loving smile on my face… and a fading Jake. Like he was fuzzy and black and white. The once happy moment was tainted.

I don't know why, but out of the three pictures I took home with me, that was the hardest to look at.

My room began to tilt in every direction as I struggled for breath, and my heart tried to burst out of my chest. Scrunching my eyes shut I fell to my side on the bed, trying my hardest not to pass out. Flashes of Jake burst behind my eyelids in rapid succession.

Jake smiling at me from across the room. Him tying his tie wrong as he rushed around searching for his shoes. Shaving his face with such concentration. Him working under the hood of one of our vehicles. Mowing the yard in his sweat soaked shirt. Making love to him. The way his fingers would impossibly ghost over my flesh giving me goose bumps, even though his body temperature was so hot.

All these little tiny things that I took for granted.

I couldn't shake them.

I couldn't make them stop. I just wanted them to _stop_.

**A flash of him playing with his niece. A flash of me jumping a bridge.**

**Jake singing horribly to a song on the radio. Me crashing that shiny red car into a concrete wall.**

**Jake's heartbroken face a moment before he pushed me out of the last exit just before he died. Me making one long, deep cut down my arm.**

**Ending it all…**

I craved the sharp tool lying in the bathroom. I wanted it so badly, but my body wouldn't cooperate to transport me where I needed to be.

I couldn't breathe anymore and the lack of oxygen stopped all thoughts. I just shut down, and succumbed to my bodies urge to restart itself.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

The next time I woke it was light out, and the sun was shining blindingly bright through the window. I was completely numb and I felt like a zombie come back to life.

Without thinking about it, I got up, brushed my teeth and took a shower, got dressed in my favorite Mada's again and a loose T-shirt. I didn't have the energy to do anything else so I sat on my bed. And thought of nothing else but my next physical therapy appointment.

Over the following week a new routine was made.

Everyday when I got up I did the same thing; getting ready for the day. Sometimes with a shower, but most times not. I always wore baggy clothes, along with the leather wrist cuff and bracelet. I made sure to eat enough to keep everyone off my back. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I had physical therapy. The other days I spent playing memory games on the computer. I tried my best not to let Alice, Rose and Em see my inner turmoil. I didn't need them hounding me about my emotional state.

In that week I did nothing but work on getting back to my previous physical capabilities.

I should have known I wouldn't get away with it for long.

I was sitting in the computer room playing memory games when Rosalie and Alice ambushed me.

"Bella!"

The sudden loud noise made me cringe and tightly flex my fingers as I tried to control my anger. I turned slowly in the direction, glaring at them, and asked, "What?"

"Em has a big party in LA he has to attend for Calvin Klein. And you're going with us. No ifs, ands, or buts. Plus you need a break from all your physical therapy," Rose said. Alice bounced on her toes and I noticed for the first time that she was clutching an envelope in her hands. She noticed and eagerly thrust it in my face.

"We leave two weeks from Friday," Alice trilled.

I took the tickets hesitantly, saying, "Okay…" I knew I wouldn't get out of it no matter what excuse I came up with. Everything was already set and I wouldn't put it past them to have made arrangements in my personal life to ensure my attendance.

The girls eyed me warily, probably confused with my easy acceptance. Truth was, I just didn't have the fight in me anymore to argue over such little things. It was just easier to give in when I knew I didn't have a choice about it otherwise.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**2 Weeks later… June 24, 2006**

I was so out of place. Everywhere you looked there were famous models and the beautiful people who accompanied them.

I wasn't one of them. And I didn't belong here.

Everyone was wearing clothes that were chic and fashion forward. I wore a dress with spikes adorning the lower half. The top half was practically a tank top. Everywhere I went people eyeballed me strangely. I could see the judgment in their eyes. Every single one of them was wondering why I was there - I could see it. I asked myself that same question.

_Why the hell did I agree to come?_ I should have said no. But here I was. In Los Angeles. Feeling more uncomfortable than I've ever felt before.

There were paps swarming the place! Cameras were always clicking away, permanently attached to a face. My nostrils flared in anger when one of them turned their attention towards our group, inevitably getting me in the process. I took a determined step forward, fully ready to show the fucker my fist, but Emmett quickly grabbed my elbow and whispered in my ear, "Don't do it, Bells. It'll only make shit worse."

I huffed but conceded. Truly I already knew that, it just didn't cross my mind at all.

Some other models walked up to our group, starting a conversation about who the fuck knows. All of Emmett's friends eyed me warily, most likely intimidated by the permanent scowl on my face.

After a while my leg started to cramp. I noticed a seating area off in the corner of the huge room and, without warning, walked towards it. I took barely five steps away before I had three very upset people screaming in my ear, asking me where I was going and why I didn't bother to tell anybody. I flicked my hand flippantly at them and continued to my destination. It took a lot of effort for me not to snap at them.

What I really wanted to say was, "YOU'RE NOT MY PARENTS!" I refrained for the simple fact that they didn't deserve my anger. They'd done nothing but help me with the best intentions, and I couldn't let my irrational emotions control that. It would only push them away. At the moment that wasn't something I could handle. I wouldn't admit it out loud, but I needed them to survive now. They were all I had left.

Once I sat on the red couch Rose, Em and Alice had calmed down significantly. By now they've gotten used to my behaviors and have learned to just brush it off. Rosalie ordered everyone a couple rounds before making conversation with the other two. My drink went untouched. I barely had the energy to be sitting, I definitely didn't have the energy to party and I doubt I would ever feel that way again.

"Oh!" Alice gasped. "I almost forgot." She reached in her clutch and pulled her camera out. I groaned. Not only were the paparazzi around but now Alice. I would venture to say she was even worse than them. Immediately the camera was warmed up and she was dancing around, taking shots. I couldn't even blink before Rose was cuddled up to me and I was blinded by the flash.

"Fuck," I muttered. I didn't want there to be reminders of this time. Without Jake it was a lie of an existence. Why keep mementos of it?

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

During the day I did my best to act like I was fine. That I was coping. I put up this huge charade so the people closest to me wouldn't worry. I couldn't tell if they were buying it or not. I figured that if they thought something was wrong they would call me out on it. I didn't know what I would do when that day came. Without a doubt it was inevitable.

Nights were a completely different story. Every single night I laid in bed, bombarded with memory after memory. I would always cry myself to sleep. Actual sleep was scarce. I was up till the early morning hours and always awake at daybreak. I just couldn't seem to sleep more than a couple hours before waking up panting from the latest nightmare. The bags under my eyes got deeper and darker by the day. Sometimes I would notice odd looks from my family, but I paid them no mind.

**I still hadn't cut again. But that wasn't without great effort. The urge was always there and I would sometimes feel itchy, like I could just feel that blade slicing through my flesh. **

Some nights were harder to endure than others. Particularly when a moment came to mind of Jake, our baby, and I. And each time I wondered where they were and if they missed me like I missed them. That fucking balcony called to me when I felt most vulnerable. I could even see it from my window.

Occasionally when I sat in silence on the bed I could just imagine Jake walking around the room. It was like he was a ghost walking in front of me. I could see him standing at the dresser taking his tie off after a long day at the office. Coming out of the bathroom clad in only a towel. Him slipping into bed beneath the covers. Sometimes he would reach out to touch me but would disappear before he could.

And each time felt like a molten blade being shoved into my heart.

I knew I was going crazy. I just couldn't come to terms with Jake and our baby's deaths. It still didn't feel like they were really and truly gone. It didn't seem like that all the time.

_Maybe the façade I put up wasn't only fooling those around me?_

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**July 27, 2006. 3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days since the death of Jake and Baby.**

I gave in.

Like last time it just happened before I truly realized what was going on.

Today was the day mine and Jake's baby was due to be born. We should have been welcoming our baby boy, Jayden, into the world. He should have gotten to take his first breath. Should've been able to live and grow into a man - have a career, a wife, a family of his own. _I_ should have gotten to experience giving birth to him; giving him life. _Jake_ should have gotten to cut the umbilical cord, hold him, tell our families that the baby was alive and well.

Should have.

Should have! _SHOULD HAVE!_

Should have been, and would have been. _Motherfucking Christ!_

The day we learned our due date, and what should have been, was playing in a loop through my mind and **the next thing I knew I was standing in the bathroom with the scissors already cutting into my flesh. Once I knew what was going on I didn't bother to stop. I just continued with it, because I wanted it to stop. I needed some quiet.**

**I sighed when I no longer felt the need to keep cutting.** A small, content smile graced my lips when the sensations kicked in. I was intoxicated by the adrenaline, and vibrating with pleasure.

I felt so relaxed that I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep until I heard the front door slam closed. The scissors were still in my hand and there was blood all over the floor, so I hurried to lock the bathroom shut. I turned the shower on, hoping to make them think I was getting in it, and went about cleaning up the mess I'd made.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**August 5, 2006**

I was bored, could no longer focus on memory games, and didn't want to be in the presence of my friends and family. That left little else to do. At the moment my brain was quiet. I wasn't being bombarded with unwanted thoughts like I usually was.

Alice, Rosalie and Emmett - whom I had been referring to lately as the three stooges or the three goons - were in the living room watching some obnoxious action movie. Em was repeating all the lines a half second before the characters even said them, and the girls were constantly yelling at him, telling him to "shut the fuck up." Needless to say I wouldn't be able to sit down with them without losing my temper.

Whatever hormone that was responsible for anger had been out of whack since the incident, and the past month or so I had actually noticed it. I'd actively been trying to avoid situations where I would possibly snap at the people trying to help me. So far I hadn't been all that successful. I stayed to myself when I could get away with it to keep a hold on the anger; irrational and rational respectively. The irrational _far_ outweighed the rational.

It had been a while since I had toured Rose and Em's house, and I had stayed on the first floor the entire time I'd been staying here. I decided a little reacquainting was in order. In fact, even _before_ I didn't know what was upstairs. I only knew where Rosalie and Emmett slept. I wondered where Alice stayed.

I limped up the stairs at a leisurely pace, but tripped on the last stair, barely catching myself before crashing to the floor.

"Fuck," I hissed in annoyance. I never used to be so clumsy. Now I'd trip over thin air. I actually called my doctor to ask about it and he said that it was a combination of the blow I took to the head from the fucking explosion and my still recovering leg. He'd also said that I may always be clumsy and that it _might_ ease up some after _more_ physical therapy. I was pretty fucking pissed about it, but if I managed to learn how to work around it while I was on the job I'd be a happy camper. Last thing I needed was to trip while chasing someone down…

The first door to my right was a bathroom so I went directly across the hall, opening the door slowly. The closet was overstuffed with clothes and immediately I knew this was Alice's room. I didn't bother lingering there long.

Rose and Em's room was to the right of Alice's so I skipped that and moved on to the door at the very end of the hall. It was the linen closet. This whole reacquainting business was sorely disappointing, barely even taking up five minutes of my time.

There was one more door, though. It was to the left of the bathroom and to the right of the linen closet. A 'Keep Out' sign was taped to the surface. I hesitated only a second before rushing to open it. What I saw stole my breath and I collapsed to the ground right in the doorway. My hands covered my heart and mouth, muffling my cries.

It was a storage room. A room I wish I had never stumbled upon.

Half the space was overflowing with blue, green and yellow blankets, outfits, toys and more. My eyes roamed over every single thing there. I was trapped in my body, unable to move and get away. I didn't want to be there. I no longer wanted to be on this God forsaken Earth. I didn't want to do it anymore. I just wanted to _fucking die_ and be with my family.

But I couldn't move to do anything about it.

A couple things stood out from the rest and tugged at my heart strings even further. A green, knitted dinosaur and a blue camouflage onesie paired with a matching beanie and bib, had me crawling across the floor, taking them into my hands. I clutched them tightly to my chest.

I wondered why any of this stuff was here, until I remembered something Alice said the day we'd finally found out we were having a boy. The day of the incident._ "Congrats! We can't wait to go shopping. In fact we are going right now,"_she had said.

Why did they still have all this shit around? Why didn't they just get rid of it? What was the point in keeping things for a baby that would never get to use it?

I screamed angrily and bent forward at the waist, clutching the toy and outfit tighter to my chest. I sobbed hysterically as I rocked my body back and forth. My temper escalated to an all time high and I no longer had control of my actions. I stood from my hunched position and grabbed every baby thing in sight, tearing it to shreds while I screamed questions that I would never get the answer to.

A massive body slamming into me from the side reminded me I wasn't alone right now.

"Bella! Stop!" Emmett screamed above my own screams.

"Fucking why, Emmett?"

"I don't know," he repeated.

"_WHY?_" I wasn't done tearing the room to pieces so I started punching and kicking him with all my strength, but he just squeezed me tighter and rocked me.

"I don't know, Bella. I don't know. I'm sorry. I love you. Please, I love you. I'm sorry. Don't hate me." Emmett's tears fell into my hair, my own soaking his shirt. "I'm so fucking sorry. None of this should have ever happened to you. Oh, fuck, Bells…" His body shook with the force of his cries.

Emmett continued to repeat the same things over and over again, like a mantra, until all fight left me and I was just a sobbing, snotting, shaking mess in his arms. I pulled back little bit to look him in the eye, noticing Alice and Rosalie for the first time. They held each other, crying, against the wall by the door. I looked back at Emmett and whispered, "Take me to see them, Emmett."

* * *

DEFUSE THE TENSION BY READING THIS!

Not gonna lie. I had that last little bit with the baby stuff planned since chapter 1. That and the chapter where Edward finally comes in. The rest is just the stuff to help me get to those points.

I left a couple things of foreshadowing can you find them? What did Bella take from her office, besides the pictures?

Another loaded chapter! I have a couple more things I want Bella to go through, a couple loose ends I've created that need to be tied, before we warp past the years following the incident. And then! We will officially meet Edward. This means only ONE more chapter before our two favorite characters come together. But remember, I'm a realist and a pessimist, there won't be sudden lust and sparks for them. It'll be a tough road. Don't expect Bella to be thinking, "Jake? Who's Jake? Have I ever met him?" or her to be suddenly cured when she meets Edward, like a lot of fics I've read have done. I bang my head on the desk every time I read something like that. So let's be real, if you lost your family like Bella did, would you even be thinking anything about anybody else? No probably not.

Next chapter is going to be a monster of an update. I probably won't be able to finish it for a few weeks. Classes are back in and it's taking time from my fic writing. And I have a shit ton of stuff I need to put into chapter 8.

Thanks for reading my ramblings! Make sure you check out the Disrepair blog at disrepair(.)tumblr(.)com. I post teasers, pictures, and etc. :-) Have you ever broken a leg? Been a victim of fraud? Slammed your head on a table because of a fic you were reading?

~M. Perez.


	8. Chapter 8 Slipped Away

Author's Chapter Notes:

**_**WARNING-WARNING-WARNING**READ THIS**_ As usual the more sensitive material is in bold, skip it if you please. THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS CONTENT THAT IS EXTREMELY SENSITIVE! I went a little, maybe a lot, farther than I've gone in previous chapters. The entire section in which I am referring to is in bold, and is not so important to the story that you can't skip it. If you skip it there is enough written after it to allow you to infer what happened. I put '*' around the passage to set it apart from other passages that are also in bold. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

Sorry Ladies! I freaked myself out trying to write this chapter. Got the case of the nervous jitters trying to figure out how to go about writing it. :-[ And then life happened, so it kept me from being able to just sit down and marathon write like I normally do. Blah, blah, blah. So here's your update finally! Even though its not up as soon as they have been lately. Hopefully the length will make up for it? This update is JAM PACKED (13,874 words - 27 pages! Holy crap! I thought I'd never get everything written.) with three years worth of stuff. I had a lot of things I needed to hit, and well, I promised one chapter before Edward came in. Otherwise I would have made this 2 chapters instead.

**NOTE** that I am not a very spiritual person. I like to say, I believe but don't preach. I do not go to church and I believe that God more so represents morals and whatnot than a physical entity that we can't see till we die. In this chapter I never intended for anything spiritual to happen. It just did, and it feels right, so I left it. Now don't go getting your hackles raised over it. I remain neutral on the subject and so will Bella, although I have already had her contemplate a Heaven and Hell, it won't happen often, or in depth.

JSYK - Bella refers to her parolees as 'charges'. It's just something that I naturally use for some reason.

**Disclaimer! Twilight belongs to SM. Any products, businesses, etc., are the property of their respective owners. The only thing I own is the plot for Disrepair. This story deals with severe depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting, etc. It is not to be taken lightly, and is rated NC-17 for a reason!**

Buckle in Ladies… This roller coaster is about to get bumpy!

* * *

I miss you, miss you so bad  
I don't forget you, oh its so sad  
I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly  
The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same  
I didn't get around to kiss you, goodbye on the hand  
I wish that I could see you again, I know that I can't  
I've had my wake up, won't you wake up  
I keep asking why?  
And I can't take it, it wasn't fake it  
It happened you passed by  
Now you're gone, now you're gone  
There you go, there you go  
Somewhere I can't bring you back  
Nana, nanana, nana  
I miss you  
~Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne

Chapter 8 - Slipped Away

**August 5, 2006 Continued**

The ride to the cemetery was completely silent, everyone stuck in their own heads. Emmett was white knuckle driving, Rosalie and Alice were staring out the windows, and my leg was bouncing a mile a minute. I was so nervous that my palms were pouring sweat like miniature fountains.

_I should have done this sooner. _

We pulled up and parked, but none of us attempted to exit the car. The other three continued to stare off into space, while I silently panicked. This was it. I would see the final resting place of my husband. I didn't know about the baby, though, and I was too scared to ask just yet. Truthfully, I didn't want to know the answer.

The motion of my door opening startled me, and Em's face appeared next to me as he crouched to my level. He placed his palm face up in offering. He looked so broken in that moment. I looked back into his eyes fearfully.

"You can do it, Bells," Emmett encouraged.

Rose and Alice stepped up behind him. "We're all here for you."

I nodded, placing my tiny hand into Emmett's, and stepped out of the car. I bowed my head to stare at the pavement as we walked. Procrastinating what I knew I would see as soon as I looked up. When the pavement ended and the grass began I finally looked up, and stopped short.

Three curious faces questioned me from my peripherals. My mouth opened and closed as I tried to explain myself, but nothing came out. I looked out across all the headstones wondering which one was Jake's.

I had never felt so small in my life.

"I just need a minute," I whispered eventually. They didn't offer a response, which I was grateful for. I gripped Emmett's hand in a vice while I tried to gather courage from him. "I can't do it," was my brilliant excuse. Releasing his hand, I bolted in the other direction, but before I could even take a step Emmett had grabbed my hand and yanked me back to him.

"I don't think so! Come on."

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders forcing me forward. I tried to duck from underneath his heavy grip but was thwarted by Rose and Alice taking up positions on my other side and behind me. I was officially trapped. I dug my heels into the dirt, attempting to slow our progress.

After five agonizing minutes, we stopped.

I asked, "Why'd you stop?"

The three of them looked pointedly in the same direction. I followed suit and immediately collapsed to my knees.

**Jacob Andrew Black  
****_Beloved Son, Brother, Husband, and Father  
_****_March 12, 1981 - April 17, 2006  
_****_"My family is my heart, and nobody can ever touch that."_**

I used to love that quote. It used to give me hope.

I found it a load of shit now. Jake was my heart and someone certainly touched him. Someone fucking _killed_ him, _and_our baby.

I felt the urge to scratch those words from his headstone. The only thing stopping me was the simple fact that I couldn't do that to him. He'd truly believed in that saying, and who was I to stomp on that memory?

Three sets of hands traced circles on my back as I sobbed. I couldn't look at the marble stone anymore, so I rested my head on my knees, my arms wrapping protectively around my legs, rocking back and forth.

"Did you do anything for the baby?" I whispered, barely audible.

Emmett answered hoarsely, "No. We didn't know what you would have wanted… If you want to do something we'll set it up."

I nodded, but didn't know if I would ever take him up on it.

"We'll give you some privacy," Rosalie said quietly a few minutes later. When I could no longer feel their presence I moved closer to the headstone, resuming my earlier position. I eventually rested my chin on my knees to stare at the engravings.

"Hey, Jake," I whispered. "I miss you… _Gah!_ I have so much to say, I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start with I'm sorry. I never in a million years thought that something like this would happen. I never thought someone would try to murder me. I'm so sorry, baby. Whoever did this should have gotten me, but they got you and our son. And I'll never forgive myself for that. But I promise to do everything in my power to make them pay, and then I'll be joining you… I can't wait to see you again."

I paused for a minute, attempting to quell the tears before continuing, "Is Jayden there with you?" I scoffed. "Guess you can't answer that, huh?" I was about to say, "I'll find out when I get there," but a gust of wind spiraled around my shrunken body. It felt like Jake, how he'd wrap his arms around me, and I gasped before a fresh round of sobbing erupted.

Right then I knew he was there with me. He was telling me that our baby boy was with him and it made me so relieved to know that. I could feel it deep in my bones.

"I love you both, _so much_." I scooted even closer to the stone, resting my side against it, and wrapping my arms around. Loud cries tore from my chest.

"Bella?" I was startled by the sudden voice and instinctively burrowed further against the stone.

"Oh, Bella," another voice cried. I was once again surrounded by Rose, Alice and Emmett, their arms enveloping me, warming me. I didn't realize how cold I felt until they held me.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

When we got back to the house Charlie and Renee were waiting outside.

"Why are they here?" I asked.

"I called them when we gave you some privacy. I figured you'd have some questions, and I can only answer some of them. Mom and your Dad know the rest."

"'Kay."

My mom had my door opened before the car had fully stopped, pulling me from the car and into her arms. I couldn't help the crying that ensued once again. I felt like a little girl in her arms as she cried with me.

Before long, I had my family surrounding me, giving me strength. I took a quick inventory of their faces, and not a single one was dry. It felt good to know that they were there to cry with me. It helped make me not feel so weak.

… … …

Ten minutes later found us in the living room. My parents sat on either side of me, the others sitting on the floor in front of me.

I didn't want to beat around the bush so I dove right in, shoving my fear to the darkest corners of my mind.

"What don't I already know?"

"Sweetheart, why don't you just start with what you want to know first and we'll just go from there. Okay?" Renee asked.

I couldn't pinpoint any one thought. There was so many bouncing around that I ended up blurting the first thing that came to mind. "Where's Phil?"

"Really? That's the first question you ask?" Rosalie asked incredulously.

It _was_ a copout, I knew that. But it didn't stop me from asking it. Usually him and my mom were connected at the fucking hip, and it was a perfectly valid question to ask.

I shrugged. "He had to go report on some kind of accident."

Phil was a news anchor for NBC 12 News, and was often called out to get "the scoop" on the latest news in the Phoenix area. I knew first hand through my job that there was a lot of news. I'd seen Phil, a couple of times, show up at a scene where one of the convicts I was in charge of got their fifteen minutes of local fame.

"I guess tell me what I don't already know. I only know what happened, I don't really know anything else. Anything that happened after," I said, whispering the last part in regret.

**Narrator POV**

_The grieving family sat in the waiting room as they waited for the newest results. The incident had occurred nearly a week ago, and so far no progress had been made. Doctors weren't sure if Bella would ever wake up from her coma. She was supposed to wake up a couple days after they had chemically induced the coma., but when the drugs had worn off and she still hadn't woken up, they began to think the worst. Did they make a mistake in inducing the coma? Would it have been better if they hadn't?_

_Jake's family needed closure. And soon. But, Bella's family begged for them to hold the memorial service off until she woke up. It hadn't happened yet. It most likely wouldn't happen in time. Her family couldn't begrudge others the chance to find closure any more than they already had._

_Billy Black had stopped by the hospital to wait with Bella's family. The results would determine what he had to say. He had said he needed to pass on some information, and they had no idea what he could be talking about, but didn't push the issue. They had other things to think about. _

_Doctors checked Bella for brain activity, hoping good news could be given to her family. When yet again the results were undesirable, they had no choice but to prepare the waiting people for the worst. _

_Doctor Carlisle Cullen pushed through the swinging doors separating him from the waiting room, dreading what he had to say next._

_"Black family?"_

_"Yes, that's us." Charlie Swan; Renee Dwyer and her husband Phil; Billy Black; Emmett Dwyer and his wife Rosalie; Alice Brandon - eagerly stood, rushing the doctor to hear the latest news._

_"We ran the tests, checking for any improvement on Isabella's brain activity. I'm sorry-" He hadn't even finished his sentence before all the females broke into fits of tears, cutting him off, and preventing him from completing his statement. He tried again, "I'm sorry, but the results came back with no change. At this point you should prepare yourselves for anything. I don't fear a decline in brain activity, but with these types of injuries you have to prepare for that possibility."_

_The family was distraught. It was looking more and more like a possibility that they would lose Bella, too. Not one of them knew what would happen to them if she declined in health. Surely it would rip them all apart. She was the glue that held everyone together. Without her, they would all fall to shreds. _

_"Do you have any questions?" Doctor Cullen asked sadly. He was having a hard time separating himself from this case. From the moment Bella was brought into the ward he felt a deep connection with the girl and her family. It baffled the man. He couldn't understand why he couldn't detach himself like he had with every other critical patient that came through those doors. He had quickly stopped trying to figure out why he felt the connection. Instead he just accepted it, and did everything he could to ensure her successful outcome. _

_"No," Charlie and Renee replied. Not one of them had a single question to ask the doctor. There was nothing more to say. They would prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. Bella needed her family to be strong and they were all more than willing to take on the job. _

_Doctor Cullen nodded stiffly, pursing his lips before taking his leave. He would check one last time on his patients, spending a few extra minutes with Bella, before he went home for the day. _

_The family sat heavily in their seats again, holding on to the sliver of a thread that was their hope. _

_"Billy, you said you had some news?" Charlie asked his best friend. _

_Billy grunted, "Yes. I got a visit from a lawyer yesterday…" When he didn't offer up any more information Renee waved her hand in 'get with it' motion. She wasn't in the mood for this kind of dance around. He cleared his throat, "Turns out Jake had a will made up a year ago." _

_The family gasped in shock. All were thinking the same thing; why would Jake have a will? _

_"What did it say?" _

_"Basically, that were he to die, all his possessions would belong to Bella. Since it was all burnt in the fire it doesn't apply."_

_"Then why would a lawyer stop by?"_

_"'Cause he left more behind. Turns out he'd opened a life insurance policy."_

_"How much did he leave behind?"_

_"Two hundred 'n fifty grand," Billy replied. "All of it goin' to Bella. Plus expenses for a funeral. He left his business to her, too."_

_"Wow," Renee said. What would happen if Bella didn't wake up, or worse died? Who would take care of Jake's business? Who would the money go to then? Was Bella just as prepared for the event of her death? _

_Nobody in her family knew that, yes, she did have a will. Jake hadn't even known about it. It was a secret she kept locked up tight. With the dangers of her job, she made sure her family was taken care of. Her lawyer wouldn't step forward with that information unless she died. She made that explicitly clear. _

_… … …_

_Jake had taken care of most of his own funeral arrangements via his will. He made sure there was more than enough money to cover all expenses. He hadn't requested much, just that nobody cry at his service. He only wanted his life celebrated. _

_A plot was bought at the Resthaven Cemetery. That would be the final resting place for Jacob A. Black. _

_Billy had his headstone specially made, and rush ordered. It was probably wrong of him, but he was in a hurry to have the funeral. He didn't want to prolong it anymore. He just wanted to forget. _

_A casket wasn't needed. There was nothing to put in it. There was nothing left of Jacob. He was ash mixed in with the rest of the house. The remains that were salvaged were cremated properly and placed in a plain black box. Jake's family would scatter his ashes over the plot instead. _

_Even though he wasn't actually a father, since the baby was never born, they made sure his headstone named him as one. Nobody objected; they all felt the same way. _

_When Bella woke up, she'd have to make some decisions. She would have a quarter of a million at her disposal, a business she didn't understand, and she'd be forced to decide if she wanted to keep it or sell it. _

**BPOV**

"Sweetheart," Mom said tentatively, placing her hand on my shoulder. I felt like shrugging it off, but pushed the urge back. It wouldn't be fair to her. Just because I didn't want to feel her love, didn't mean I should be a bitch about it. They wouldn't understand that I felt guilty for all that happened.

"Yeah?"

"Did you know?"

"'Bout what?"

"The will?"

I shook my head. "No. But it doesn't surprise me."

"What will you do?"

I sat back, taking a deep breath. "I don't know."

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**August 12, 2006**

"Why didn't you come by sooner?" I asked.

"I don't know," he responded lamely.

"You know, you're the only one who could even remotely understand what I'm going through," I accused harshly. "Did you even bother coming to see me in the hospital?"

"Only once. The day after it all happened… It just hurt too much to see you."

"Why? I don't get it. You were a father to me. You still are. Tell me why you couldn't make time to see me!"

"Because I hated you!" He screamed back furiously. "Because you survived and Jake didn't." I sat back in shock, my jaw hanging open. "I was just so upset, Bella. And I blamed you. It was so stupid of me, because it wasn't your fault. I'd already lost my wife, and now my son? I was just so hurt and I'm sorry for taking it out on you."

I looked down and whispered, "Why? It was my fault. I know it is. I was the one they were trying to kill, but instead they got Jake." I met his eyes with conviction, my voice strong. "But I promise, Billy, I will make them pay for what they did. I won't rest until they do. You have my word."

Billy's eyes were wide and glossy, and I could tell he wouldn't question my resolve. He nodded solemnly, but did not speak. I suspected that if he wasn't in a wheel chair he would have already been out searching for whoever murdered his son - my husband.

We were at a stalemate. He still held resentment toward me, I could see it in his eyes, but he would try to be civil for Jake's sake. In the end we wanted the same thing. I'd make sure it happened.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**September 13, 2006**

Happy fucking birthday to me!

Motherfucking bullshit. I didn't want to celebrate today. Especially today. While I was still alive to see another goddamn birthday, my husband and baby were fucking dead. And for what? Nothing! Because I had a job that was dangerous, they took the consequences.

And here I am. Twenty six years old. Happy fucking birthday to me!

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**October 9, 2006**

Word got to me that Angela and Ben had just welcomed a brand new baby boy into the world. They'd named him Jamie.

Alice and Rosalie tried their hardest to get me to go see them, but I just couldn't do it. No, I couldn't stand to pretend to be happy for them. I was angry. While the happy new parents were in pure bliss I was in utter despair.

I knew I was jealous.

I needed something to do with myself other than physical therapy, and memory games. Something to take my mind of off the hurt. I didn't want to think about what should have been anymore. There was no way I could withstand those emotions on top of the anger.

Jake's business had spent too long just sitting stagnant. His employees were doing a fantastic job at stepping up to the plate while I sat around on my ass feeling sorry for myself. I had to decided if I was going to find someone to run it, or if I was going to sell it. Putting it off was no longer an option.

After countless interviews, I settled on a woman in her mid-thirties. Charlotte held all the qualities I wanted the person running Jake's business to have. Her degrees in both business and accounting put her above all the rest, but it was her personality that ensured her position. I knew I'd be able to leave the business in her hands right away. Jake's employees would fill her in on everything she'd need to know. All I would do was check in to make sure things were running smoothly.

The profits being made on the business, Jake's life insurance, and our home and car insurance settlements, left me wealthy enough that I could live comfortably while doing nothing. I didn't need to work anymore. But as time went on I was going stir crazy. The complacency I was feeling from doing nothing was getting the better of me. I _needed_ to get back to work, as soon as possible. I couldn't just hide out in my room for the rest of my days. I didn't want the security that I felt, I wanted to feel the danger of life.

On impulse, while shopping for groceries, I bought a pack of cigarettes. I thought nothing of it when I lit up for the first time. Even as I choked on the smoke filling my lungs, I tried not to think of the fact that I said I would never do such a thing. Jake would probably be disappointed.

I felt relaxed, though. Besides cutting, that was the only time I was ever able to get some peace. It was too risky to cut as often as I felt the urge. The cigarettes gave me something more sociably acceptable to turn to. Nobody would think too much about a death stick sitting between my fingers as I intoxicated my body, but slicing my skin open was taboo, and wrong. It didn't make sense to me that inhaling chemicals would be more appropriate than making a cut in my arm that would heal with little to no after effects.

I had begun to notice that my aches and pains from the accident hadn't left. I was still getting headaches despite taking medicines to relieve it, I couldn't stay in one position for very long without feeling like my muscles would fall from my body, and I'd get extremely restless at times. Episodes like the one I had in the doctor's office were happening more often, and in more ways. Instead of just cracks in the wall setting me off, it was everything from a bubble in the paint, to a tiny smudge of dirt. My obsession with the walls being perfect made no sense. My room was a disaster, with dirty clothes tossed carelessly around the room, trash littered everywhere, but nothing touched the walls. The constant need for sleep was annoying as fuck. Even worse was that I _couldn't_ sleep. I attributed that more to the fear of dreaming about Jake and our baby, than anything else. I was actually getting worried about myself. I knew I was depressed, but who wouldn't be? I just couldn't understand why everything hurt still, and why I couldn't stand things touching the walls.

I'd cut twice more since the last time, and had taken to wearing multiple watches on my left arm in addition to the leather cuff and bracelet on my right side, to hide the wounds. I had gotten a few odd looks from my family. In the past I had never worn so many accessories on my arms, or at all. I knew they were suspicious, but they seemed to dismiss it as something that was new about me, and not as something they should worry about.

At my last therapy session we estimated that I would be able to return to work in the new year. I wasn't quite back to my previous physical capabilities, but I was close enough that I could finally give my boss a time frame for my return.

I was anxious to get back. Nothing would please me more than arresting some criminals, and making parolees lives hell. It would be one hell of a fucking distraction.

**December 25, 2006**

_Fuck!_

It was Christmas. And Jake wasn't here. Jayden wasn't here. I would spend the rest of my life alone on this day. I would never get to have the family I had again.

Try as they might, they just couldn't get me to enjoy this day. And try they would.

Dreadfully, I did my morning routine before heading to living room.

The blinking Christmas tree taunted me with good memories. Memory after memory hit me like a Mack truck. Ten years worth of Christmases with Jake assaulted me, and I couldn't stop the tears that slipped silently down my cheeks.

I quickly swiped the tears away when I heard movement upstairs. I still hadn't stepped foot up there since August, and I most likely never would.

"Good morning!" Alice chirped loudly, a giant fucking smile on her face.

"Morning," I grumbled in reply.

Emmett bound noisily down the stairs, scooping me into his arms, and spinning us in dizzying circle. "Merry Christmas, lil' sis!"

I frowned, and didn't respond. I doubt he even noticed.

Rose came down the stairs slowly, grumbling about it being "too fucking early." I looked at the three watches on my wrist, noting that it _was_ early. Alice and Emmett were always up this early on Christmas, and taking all the prisoners they could find. Five thirty in the morning was ridiculously early to be up, just to open presents. If there was any way I could still be asleep there would've been hell to pay for waking me.

It wasn't long before all the presents were opened. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I opened my presents mechanically, not bothering to register what I actually got, saying thank you to nobody in particular. I got hugs for the fifty dollar gift cards I thoughtlessly chose for each of them.

I stayed in the living for as long as necessary. Charlie, Renee and Phil stopped by, more presents were opened, I grew more upset. I was beginning to get restless with all the things running through my mind. I just needed to be alone. As soon as I could, I high tailed it to my room, locking the door behind me.

My entire body was shaking. Too many thoughts and emotions were passing through me at once. I wanted to curl up and sleep, while at the same time I felt like I could run a fucking marathon twice over.

I moved towards my desk slowly, hesitantly. I opened a couple drawers and removed three items, placing them on top, making damn fucking sure I didn't look at them. Snatching my cigarettes and lighter, I climbed out my bedroom window to sit on the ledge.

Letting the nicotine do its job, I stared through the objects on my desk. I couldn't think too much about them yet. When my smoke was gone and I still felt on edge, I rushed to the bathroom. I was desperate. **Frantically, I searched for the razor I had stashed, with shaking hands. I fumbled as I tried to pick up the blade I took from one of Emmett's box cutters. **

"Fuck!" I tossed the blade haphazardly into the sink, making an acute clinking sound. My watches were in the way. "UGH!" I whisper-yelled when the latches wouldn't come undone as quickly as I wanted.** One by one they fell to the floor, and I kicked them to the side, picking the blade back up**.

I had to gain a little control over myself before I could continue. I was too worked up, and I wouldn't mess up now. I couldn't afford even one screw up. **Gripping tighter around the cold metal, I faintly traced a line across my wrist. It wasn't enough to break the skin, but with each new pass I pressed harder, until I was satisfied with my work.**

**Thick, wet blood oozed down my hand, dripping into the sink, and swirling down the drain. The macabre sight pleased me, and I was able to let go of the blade as the adrenaline rush kicked in.**

**I suddenly felt the urge to rub the blood over my hands, coating them in the sticky warmth. I wanted to know what it felt like to physically have blood on my hands, because all I could think about was Jake, and our baby. I was responsible for their deaths. Their blood was on my hands,** metaphorically, and I needed a visual to go with it. Completely fucked up, but I was running on raw urges at the moment.

**The slice in my wrist continued to bleed, only slower, and the red on my hands was dry. Every time I moved my fingers a new crack emerged, marring the visual, and sparking my anxiety. When I couldn't stand to look at the cracks shooting through the dried blood, I rinsed it all off and treated the wound.**

… … …

With the bathroom cleaned, fresh gauze around my wrist, and my watches back on, I sat in front of the only items sitting on my desk. I scooted the chair back, resting my chin atop my arms. I stared at the picture of Jake and I, with tears in my eyes, thinking only of the day it was taken.

Slowly my sight traveled to the right, hoping that one good memory could be associated with the small, stuffed dinosaur. As much as I tried, I couldn't part with it. Something told me to keep it, albeit hidden from sight.

I looked out the window, watching as the clouds covered the moon, and just as quickly revealing its eternal beauty to me once again. The light shining from the midnight sky reflected on the cold steel that was set apart from the picture and baby toy. I traced its mechanical lines with my eyes, noting how impeccably clean it was as it glistened in the moonlight.

**I began to imagine what it would be like to pick it up and point it at my head. What would it feel like? Would there be any pain? Would I hesitate? Or would I instantly feel at peace? **

**What if I didn't stick around to seek justice? Would that be so bad? At least I would be with my family.**

**My fingers twitched to feel the cool metal pressed into my palm, to hear the click just before the bang. It would be so easy to press the barrel against my temple. It would be easy to flex my finger, releasing the hammer. **

**I picked it up, pulling the slide to engage the small casing inside. The sound of the cartridge sliding into place silenced my loud and scattered thoughts. I could hear every breath I took, every heartbeat. Slowly I lifted the tip to my temple, my index finger slipped to the trigger, my thumb flicking the safety off, and I closed my eyes. **

**I reveled in the silence. **

**Ever so slightly I squeezed my finger, but not enough to make anything happen. I inhaled one long pull of air, stopping short when I smelt the familiar musky aroma I associated with Jake. My eyes snapped open, and I moved my finger from the trigger.**

My breathing shook as my gaze fell upon the picture of Jake and I.

_No. NO! I won't to do it._

I flipped the safety back on while opening the drawer, and threw the gun inside, making a resolute thunk against the wood before I slammed it shut, sealing that thought up tight with it.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**December 31, 2006**

Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice were in Los Angeles again. Probably having the time of their lives partying it up at Em's Calvin Klein New Years Eve Bash. It wasn't easy for me to get out of, but there was no way I was budging this time. I didn't want to have to pretend I was fine when all I wanted to do was rip my fucking hair out. I couldn't stand the thought of it.

So, here I sat, staring blankly out of the living room window as the clock ticked incessantly closer to midnight.

_One minute left_, I thought.

Just sixty short seconds before I began a new year without my small little family. I wanted so badly to just end my suffering once and for all, but every time a new death fantasy popped up I would think back to Christmas, and that one short moment that put everything into perspective for me. Every time I thought I couldn't stand to be alive anymore I would remind myself that Jacob and Jayden deserved better, deserved to see justice for their untimely deaths.

I _would_ see it through.

The grandfather clock tolled loudly, breaking the heavy silence encasing the room as it counted out to twelve.

My breath caught as I was assaulted with a new years memory…

**December 30, 1996 - New Years Eve**

"Hey, Bells."

I turned quickly towards the deep voice behind me, breaking out into a huge grin. _Gosh! He's so cute! Why won't he ask me out, darn it?_

"Jake," I replied casually, trying not to show him just how badly I wanted him.

We had to practically yell to hear each other over the music. Some local band was playing cover songs for the party. They weren't all that good, but they did the trick.

"'Sup?" Jake asked. He sniffed once, lifting his chin higher. I laughed at his show of manliness. It was so ridiculous.

I grunted in response, trying to copy him, but I couldn't keep a straight face for more than a second before bursting in hysterics.

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, Swan."

"Oh, I will, Black."

Desert Vista High was hosting a new years bash in the school gym, and the place was packed! Bodies jumped with the pulse of the music, fists were pumped, even a couple mosh pits were started. It was so lame, but oh so fun.

For the next two hours Jake and I danced and sang along to the music. It was so great to spend this time with him. Even if he was just a friend.

We'd been friends since the beginning of the school year, but I couldn't help but wish we were more.

"Listen up!" The bands singer announced. "Thirty seconds to midnight!"

I felt Jake move closer to me as people shouted in their excitement for the new year.

"10...9...8...7" Jake moved in front of me, smiling. "6...5...4...3" His hands gripped my shoulder, and I reveled in the warmth. "2...1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!" He swooped in, his face moving close to mine, and I gasped in shock, my lips parting ever so slightly. Jake took advantage, pressing his lips to mine in a searing kiss.

_Holy cow! Holy cow! He's kissing me!_

I snapped out of my shock just as he started to pull away. My hands flew to the sides of his face, stopping him so I could finish what he started. I didn't even care if this kiss meant nothing to him. I didn't care if it was only because it was new years and it was expected to have a kiss at midnight. This was the best first kiss a girl could ever ask for. I was just glad it was with Jake.

The loud cheers around us brought us back to reality, and I reluctantly pulled away. I couldn't possibly manage to keep the smile from my face, I was so happy!

"Wow. Bells." Jake smiled a toothy grin as he searched my eyes for something. "Go out with me?"

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**January 8, 2007**

"ID," the woman droned in a bored tone. I handed her my drivers license and she thrust a plastic bucket at me to fill. I threw my keys, phone, belt, and anything else that had metal on it, into the bin, glaring at the woman the entire time. She shifted uncomfortably under my intense gaze, and I smirked evilly in satisfaction.

I stepped through the metal detectors, lifting my arms for the other security guard to wand me.

_Fucking ridiculous. If they weren't new I wouldn't have to do this shit._

I also needed to get a new ID badge; my other one had expired while I was out.

_Wow… It's been thirteen months since I last worked here._

I had put in my leave of absence when Jake and I found out about the ba- _No! Don't think about it._

Once I was done going through security, I made my way to Probations, but stopped with my hand on the knob, taking a deep breath to steel myself before opening the door. I was excited to be back, but apprehensive. Coming back to work meant I'd have to move on; I wouldn't be able to dwell about the past much. Conflict in your mind means you make mistakes, and mistakes means possible death. If I died because I couldn't focus on my job, all this hard work would have been for nothing, and Jake and Jay-_ Don't think about it!_- they deserved better than that.

Parolees sat in the burgundy chairs, waiting to be called back. Most had tattoos covering their arms, necks, and places you couldn't see. The one person who didn't have any tattoos was hunkered in the corner, eyes shifting back and forth between everyone else in the room. He was a squirrelly little fuck.

I walked up to the bulletproof glass separating the waiting room from the offices, and pushed the little red button for the buzzer.

Demetri came walking from his office, messing around with a bulletproof vest, so he didn't see me till he looked up. He did a double take, placing a hand over his heart like he couldn't believe his eyes. So typical of him.

"Hey, Bella!" he greeted in a tinny voice caused by the intercom.

"Hey." He buzzed me in, immediately pulling me into a hug.

"We've missed you around here, girly!"

"I've missed you guys, too."

He was silent for a few moments as he stared me up and down. "Wow! You look better than you did last time I saw ya."

"Uh… Thanks?"

He ignored my question. "Come, come! I'm sure Aro's excited for you to be here."

Demetri wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and led me back to Aro's office, shouting my arrival into everybody's offices. "Look who decided to grace us with her presence!"

I got a lot of excited cheers, and more than one, "about damn time," in response.

"Knock-knock," Demetri said, announcing our entrance into our boss's office.

Aro looked up and smiled instantly. "Bella!" He stood gracefully from his chair and sauntered toward me, scooping me out from under Demetri's arm. I hugged the man back as tightly as he hugged me. It felt good to be in his arms; I felt safe.

He pushed me arms-length away, doing his customary appraisal of me. "You look beautiful," he whispered with conviction. The sincerity in his voice caused a tear to escape my eye.

"Thank you, Aro."

"Well!" Aro clapped his hands together excitedly. "Welcome back! Let's go renew your ID before your first charge comes in. What'ya say?"

"I say it sounds good. Bye Demetri!"

"See ya later, gator."

Like Demetri, Aro wrapped his arm around my shoulders leading me to the offices where they made the ID's.

… … …

With a brand new ID badge hot off the press clipped to my shirt, I stumbled to my office more than ready to get back to work. There was already a couple of folders on my desk waiting for me to review. Since I still had about thirty minutes till my ten o' clock appointment showed up, I read up on her file. I was utterly floored, she was only sixteen and had things on her record that some adults I knew didn't even have. I hadn't had many kids under my watch in the past since federal probations didn't usually _need_ to manage _kids_. It was more adults than anything, but every now and then we'd get a teenager or two. It took special circumstances for them to be put into the federal systems.

I looked up from papers when I firm knock sounded.

"Bella, Jane's here to see you."

"Okay, thanks, Ben. Could you send her in?"

"Sure thing."

A minute later a shy looking girl walked into my office. Her demeanor was at odds with the things I had in her file.

"Um, hi. I'm, uh, Jane," she said. I had to strain to hear her speak.

"Sit," I commanded.

"Yes, ma'am." I arched a brow in surprise. Jane hurriedly plopped herself in one of the guest chairs, hunching in on herself. My gut was telling me that she was a very broken girl, but I would discount that until she proved me otherwise. It could just be fear since this was her first time in the probation system. And federal at that!

I trained my eyes on the criminal record and life story the government gave me sitting in front of me, reading aloud every detail of her life that I had.

"So, Jane, you've been in and out of the foster system since you were five, when your parents died in a car accident." I noticed her flinch, but took no time to pause. "No other family that could take care of you, which is why you were placed in foster care. You were a model kid until you turned eleven where you started fighting a lot. Cops were called and you were charged with assault, four times. Looks like you were lucky enough to have most of the charges dropped. Got caught at multiple parties where drugs and alcohol were in plentiful supply. Lucky for you, you hadn't touched anything. That is until you turned fourteen and was caught at another party with evidence of drugs on your hands and nose, and was clearly intoxicated and high. You went to Juvie for six months, and when you were released you were placed in county probations. Then you went right back to drugs and got caught again. Spent another six months in Juvie. More parole. And here's the part that throws me off; you got into prostitution. Is that all correct?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Now how am I supposed to keep you out of trouble when all the other probation officers couldn't?" I lifted a brow expectantly, and she only shrugged in response. I sat back in my chair, giving her a stare down. "Well, you're in the federal systems now. There're no second chances here." I pointed a finger at her in accusation. "Don't you dare mess up once, got it?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"I'm going to tell you everything I expect up front, so don't come crying to me when you get caught saying you didn't know. Yes?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good. Now, I do random breathalyzer and drug tests twice a month. It could be one day after the other or it could be spaced a week or more apart. So stay clean. Keep your grades above C's. No hanging out with people doing alcohol and/or drugs. Absolutely no weapons of any kind. No. Prostituting. You live with a perfectly nice foster family who can take care of you, and you are too young for that crap. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am. I understand."

"Good." I smiled tightly. "I'll be stopping by your house once a week to check up on you. Your curfew everyday is nine in the evening. If you break it you'll go to jail, and your foster parents are under strict orders to inform me in the event that that happens. There will be some days where I require you to come to my office for your weekly visit and I will tell you the week before. Which means pay attention. If you miss it, you will be violating parole."

"Yes, ma'am."

"We are done here, you are free to go. I'll be by next week."

"Thank you," she whispered as she got up.

"Don't thank me. Just don't mess it up."

"Yes, ma'am."

I chuckled a little as she left my office.

I hoped she made it through probation with little problems. She was too smart for this shit.

It felt good to be back at work. I actually felt normal. Well, all except for the clumsiness.

I decided to go to the shooting range to practice. It would be the first time I'd shot my weapon in over a year, and in Phoenix I needed to be on top of my game. My next appointment wouldn't be here for a few hours, so I had plenty of time to get some practice and something to eat.

… … …

I came back in the office unsatisfied with the results of practice. I hadn't hit a single bulls-eye, and I was fucking livid. Heaven help the next poor soul who came into my office for their appointment.

When I walked into my office I was surprised to see another teenager. He was browsing my room with a natural smile on his lips. Thank goodness I took down all my pictures last time I was here.

I cleared my throat noisily. "Who are you?"

The brown haired boy turned around quickly, smiling wider as he spotted me. "I'm Alec. I got here early, so… what's his name?… Oh yeah! So Demetri let me in. Said I could hang here for you."

"Huh, really?"

"Yep."

"And…what's your name?" I asked heatedly.

"Alec."

"Oh. Then sit down. And _don't_ touch anything." He yanked his hand back from the frame holding my college degree, which he was about to touch.

"What did you do to get put in the federal system, Alec?"

He had the decency to look sheepish. Without having read his file I couldn't figure out why the fuck he would be here. He looked like a good kid.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

Thanks to my job, I was able to skirt around my family a thousand times better. I could fake smiles, and happiness with ease. The strange looks stopped for the most part. They would always come back in full force on my bad days; the days I couldn't hide my sadness. It finally became commonplace to them that I wear the watches, leather cuff, and leather bracelet on my wrists. They'd adjusted to my mood swings, and so had I. I could avoid things that would piss me off a little easier than before, but it was a game of chance; you could only anticipate so much.

Due to my newfound clumsiness, I had to relearn certain things, such as how to shoot my gun, run, walk across flat fucking surfaces. That last one gave me a hell of a lot of trouble.

My body aches increased, and so did my headaches. But, I wrote it off as my body still healing from the incident and stress from work.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**March 12, 2007**

Rosalie, Alice, and Emmett knew what today was, and as soon as I left my room they were on full alert, trying to keep my mind off of it. They bombarded me with an agenda filled with shit that I would have loved to do in the past. It just wasn't me anymore, though.

Nothing they did could make me forget what today was.

I managed to escape the Goons' wrath via white lie that I had to check up on a charge.

I pulled in behind Billy's truck, putting my car in park, and just stared at the little red Spanish style home. The red house was distinct to Billy's personality; it was so _Billy_. I didn't know how he did it, but somehow he'd managed to hold the integrity of the original decorations, and floral arrangements his late wife had set up.

Billy wheeled himself onto the front porch, giving me a curious look just before he shouted, "You gon' sit out here forever?"

I shook my head sadly, and chuckled at his greeting. It seemed like he'd finally let his resentment toward me go, but I'd stay reserved. I didn't deserve his forgiveness, and would take it if he offered it, but only then.

"Hey, Billy," I greeted softly as I walked up the steps. I bent down to give him a hug, but he stopped me by standing from his wheel chair to hug me properly. It was nice that he could still at least stand for a minute or two at a time. It made him seem a little more normal when he could abandon the hardware.

"Come inside." He sat back in his chair and spun around to go back inside.

Right as you walked in the door there was a small entranceway that lead to the living room. Billy had always had tons of pictures hung there. Without a thought I stopped to look at them. It had been a very long time since I'd actually taken time to take them in.

There was a picture of Jake and I taking a break from motor biking in La Push, WA. Jake's hair was long like it used to be, and he had his infamous smile on. I sat behind him on the seat of the bike, my arms resting along his shoulders. We were sixteen at the time.

The next picture was of the three of us; Billy, Jake and I. Billy wore his signature cowboy hat, and flannel shirt. He had wanted to stand for that picture so we helped him up, and he wrapped his arms around us. We took that picture on the fourth of July when Jake and I were twenty two.

A black and white photo of Jake with his arms crossed, looking every bit the bad boy he wasn't. A picture of Jake and I at our high school graduation. The fifth picture was of Billy and I, on mine and Jake's first anniversary party. He was dressed in a fancy suit and everything.

There was something about being in Jake's father's house that made seeing all these pictures of our lives okay. It was odd how it didn't hurt here like it did everywhere else.

"Bella?" Billy's sudden question startled me from my musings, and I turned to look at him. "You okay?"

I cleared my throat nervously. "Um, yeah. I'm fine."

"Well, have a seat then," he demanded.

Billy and I sat in silence, eyes darting everywhere while simultaneously avoiding looking at each other.

He broke the silence asking, "You remember that first summer we took you with us to La Push?" We smiled at the memory. Jake and I had been together for almost six months at the time, and somehow we had convinced our parents to let me tag along. In fact Charlie had taken a picture of us; it was the first photo I noticed when I walked in today.

_The wind whipped my hair in every direction, even blocking my view. _I should have put my hair up like Jake had said._ I gripped tighter to Jake's waist, squealing in delight from the adrenaline rush. _

_The scenery of La Push, WA, was the best. There was a perfect mixture of browns, blues, and greens everywhere. The sounds of the ocean were soothing, and exciting all in one._

_Jake had me perched on the back of his dirt bike, and it was the greatest thrill I had ever had. I was hooked. Billy, and Charlie, followed behind us in the truck. They were "keeping an eye" on us, they'd said. I wouldn't complain. I was happy that Charlie even let me come in the first place. If that meant he had to come to then, oh well! _

_Jake pulled over onto a dirt road that I hadn't even noticed until we were on it. We bounced along with the terrain, enjoying every second if it. Billy and Charlie probably not so much. _

_"Where are we going?" I yelled over the engine._

_"I'm taking you cliff-diving!"_

_"What? No! Jake-"_

_"You'll love it! I promise."_

_I grumbled under my breath, and turned to stare at the green trees surrounding us. _

_We stopped in a little turn around area where there were trails marked on all sides. _

_"Come on," Jake said. _

_A truck door closed behind us, and Charlie hollered, "Wait! Stay on the bike. I want a picture." _

_Normally I would have protested, but it meant I could procrastinate going cliff jumping. _

_"Charlie? I wanna take her cliff-diving, you cool with that?"_

_"I don't know," he replied warily, looking at me for some sign._

_Billy shouted from the truck, "Let 'em go, Charlie. She'll love it, and Jake'll take her on the lower one first. Right, Jake?" He gave Jake a pointed look. Jake had the decency to look sheepish._

_I smacked him on the arm. "You were gonne take me to the top?"_

_"No!" he lied. _

_"Sure. Liar."_

_"Well, you kids have fun. Billy and I, are gonna rest here. Take good care of her, Jake." Dad slapped him hard on the shoulder a couple times in warning._

_"I will." He turned to me, and smiled mischievously. "Let's go." Jake grabbed my hand, taking off into a sprint toward one of the trails. I quickly read the trailhead sign, making sure it was the upper cliff. _

_A couple minutes later we broke through the bushes, right onto the cliff head. The waves crashed noisily against the rock face. I looked down, judging the distance down to the water._

_"How far is this, Jake?"_

_"Top is 100 feet, I think this one is like, 50 feet." _

_"50 feet?" I squeaked._

_"Oh, come on! This is nothing. And it'll be over before you know it."_

_Jake dropped my hand, peeling his shirt and pants off. I looked away, blushing, and trying to hide the giddy smile._

_"Strip," he demanded._

_"Uh… I don't know. Can't I just leave my clothes on?"_

_"No, you'll freeze. It's not like you need to get naked. Besides it'll be just like wearing a bikini. Now. Strip!"_

_"Okay, mister Bossy pants."_

_Jake in his boxers, me in my panties and bra, we stood at the edge of the cliff holding hands. _

_"Some things you need to know. Jump feet first, stay flat as a board, and try not to belly flop. When you're in the water don't fight the current. Just relax and you'll pop out quickly. If you fight it, the waves will swallow you whole. Got it?"_

_"Got it."_

_"Okay. On 3." My body began to shake in fear. I wasn't sure if I could pull through with it. "One…Three!" Jake pushed me off the cliff, and I screamed in terror. When I hit the water I panicked and thrust my body wildly trying to rise to the top. Even though Jake just told me not to fight it, I did. I couldn't help it._

_It felt like something touched my leg, and I freaked. I screamed, but since I was still below water, being ripped in every direction, my lungs were filled with sea water. _

_With the lack of oxygen, and water in my lungs, I was exhausted. I lost all perception of time, and could no longer fight to move. My body was frozen, and burning for air. I went limp, black spots dancing before my eyes. _

_The next thing I knew I was staring at the gray sky as what felt like sand paper was being pulled from my throat. Warmth covered my face in short bursts. A whooshing sound invaded my hearing. It took me a while to realize that was the sound of my breathing. I coughed instinctively, irritating my raw throat. _

_Jake's worried face eclipsed my line of sight. _

_"Oh, thank God!" He croaked. "You gave me quite a scare there, Bells."_

_"Sorry," I rasped. Jake laughed, touching his forehead to mine._

_"Think nothing of it, Bells. I'm just glad you're okay."_

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

The two wheeled machine rumbled powerfully beneath me. I reveled in the power that it contained - that I now contained. It was mine.

I parked in the driveway of Rose and Em's house, kicking the stand down. The Goons came out onto the porch, confused.

"Who are you?" Rosalie asked suspiciously.

_Huh? Oh!_

I pulled the white helmet off my head, my hair falling messily from it. The Goons gasped in shock.

"Whoa! Bells! You're hot!" Emmett exclaimed.

"Where the fuck is your car?" Rosalie and Alice screeched in unison.

I shrugged. "I sold it."

"What? Why?"

I turned around, looking at my brand new Kawasaki Ninja ZX 6R 2. _I memorized that!_ It was metallic blue and flat black. So fucking sleek. So fucking hot. And so fucking fast! I swear it _fucking purred_. It was an orgasm on wheels.

Looking back at my family with a bored expression, I shrugged, and walked past them, straight into my room.

Thinking about all those summers I had spent in La Push with Jake and his family, made me long for the rush, the danger, of riding a two wheeled death machine. So, after I left Billy's, I sold my car to a used car lot, caught a cab to the nearest Kawasaki dealership and bought the Ninja. I fell in love with it the second my sight fell upon it. I _had_ to have it. I bought a white leather riding jacket, and white helmet to go with it. All I had to do now was get a motorcycling license. I didn't need to worry about shitty winter weather here in Phoenix, so I had no qualms about getting rid of the car.

I felt invincible on the Ninja.

The only down side that I could find was that I would have to use a company car now when I checked on my charges, in case I had to arrest someone. I didn't care; it was a small price to pay.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**April 7, 2007 Anniversary of deaths.**

"Hello?"

"Uh… Hi. Aro? I just wanted to let you know that I won't be coming into work today."

_Silence._ "Okay."

"So, um, yeah…" _Click._

… … …

I dropped unceremoniously onto the grass, and just stared blankly at the gray stone. A tear slipped down my cheek, dropping onto my shirt. Closing my eyes and sighing, I thought about the past year; the incident, the days following and how I allowed myself to be so fucking ignorant; remembering most everything that happened, but denying its truth like a petulant child; seeing our house burnt, and no longer being able to lie to myself; making that first cut, and the second, third, fourth; all that physical therapy; working again; and all the times in between, to now.

I had spent one whole year without my husband - without the baby we should have been able to see live, and grow. One whole year of denial, acceptance, and eventual thirst for vengeance. _One whole year_ a changed person from who I used to be.

I couldn't ever imagine a day where I even came close to being who I used to be. And I didn't want to. That was Jake's Bella, and I could never be that again. Not until I died and joined him and our son.

I couldn't think about the baby anymore. Could no longer imagine what he'd possibly have looked like. And mostly I didn't want to remember him. It felt like by thinking of him I was stomping on his memory because I couldn't even come to terms that he never got to live for even one minute. He just didn't seem like he was a real thing; a real event in my life. I just felt overwhelming guilt for doing what I did to him; for giving him a start in life, and then ripping it away before he got a shot. Jake at least got to live a fulfilled life. He experienced more than most people his age ever did. But the guilt from the death of our baby ate at me like bugs eat a corpse. I didn't want to remember our baby only by the bad times, I wanted to remember him by the good times. And I refused to think about him again until that day came when I_ could_think of all the good I used to associate with him.

I reached down to pull the weeds that were marring the grass around the headstone, tossing them onto the plot next to me.

"It's been one year since you and Jayden died, and this is only the second time I've visited you. How fucked up is that?… I started working again. It's the only thing I have that makes me feel _normal_… I try to act normal around our families, too. They invest too much time into me - into worrying about me. They shouldn't have to… Maybe I'll find my own apartment soon…Thanks for still taking care of me, by the way. I wish you would have told me about it before, though. Well, I guess that would be hypocritical of me since I did the same thing, huh?"

I sighed, and laid down, my head near the headstone, just staring at the sky.

"I remember when we'd lay out on the grass just relaxing, and searching for shapes in the rare cloud we'd see." I chuckled, "Some of the stuff you came up with… I always wondered where you came up with some of it."

I basked in the sun for a few minutes, pretending that Jake was laying right next to me. When I could no longer pretend, I rolled over onto my stomach, resting my head on my forearms, and just letting the tears flow freely.

"I miss you, so much," I mumbled into the grass and dirt. "I love you two. I'll be with you guys as soon as I finish things up here." I sobbed, my tears dripping off my arms onto the dirt, soaking it.

Once I felt purged of all the water in my body I said, "I'll see you later," and dragged my feet across the cemetery grounds to my waiting bike. Unconsciously, as I walked away, I slipped my wedding band to my right hand. I thought about nothing; not the fact that my engagement ring had periled in the fire, because I always took it off at night; and certainly not about what it meant that my wedding band now sat on my right hand.

To be "normal," I had to do the normal things a widow would do once they found closure. For the benefit of my family I would run through the motions of being normal, even if it wasn't truth.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**April 21, 2007 Annual After Tax Party**

When Charlotte approached me one day, asking about the Tax Party we always held once tax season ended, after some thought I said sure. Just because I wasn't up to hosting it, didn't mean the employees couldn't. And I didn't want it to stop just because Jake wasn't here, and that I couldn't handle dealing with it. I wanted to keep the tradition alive. We had missed the one last year due to obvious reasons. I didn't even know if they even _held_ it, or if they cancelled it. I doubted I'd ever ask either.

So, I put on the nicest fabric I'd worn in over a year, pasted a fake smile on my face, and pretended I was happy to be here. But on the inside, I was dying. One right after the other the blows to my heart just kept coming. I couldn't stop thinking about past parties. Every once in a while I'd catch the tail end of a story one of the guests were telling about Jake, and I'd have to catch my breath and try not to stumble to a heap on the floor.

I pressed on, mingling with the guests, and politely excusing myself before the conversation could lead back to Jake.

Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, my Mom, Dad, and Phil, watched me like a hawk, looking for any sign of weakness. One of them was always watching me, just waiting for me to break in two.

Then, the part of the evening I was dreading most came. I didn't know if I'd make it through unscathed.

I stepped up onto the stage with my dad helping me up the stairs, and stood in front of the microphone. I looked out onto the crowd, naturally searching for Jake's smiling face, but stopped myself as soon as I realized my action. Never before had I had such a problem with public speaking, but tonight felt different, and I just couldn't force the words past my lips. The speech I had so meticulously written was useless, and I couldn't figure out why the fuck I would ever say those words. I couldn't mean them. Instead I spoke from my heart, thinking of what I felt needed to be said, of how Jake would want me to speak.

"Thank you all for coming," I said softly. "Tonight was a night Jake and I always looked forward to. It's a chance for us to connect with our employees, and customers." I paused for a moment. "What Jake valued most was family. And to him, every single one of you in here was family to him. I had to think long and hard about this business, and whether or not I wanted to keep it; rather if I could keep it. Then the time came for me to decide if I could continue with this tradition. In the end I couldn't allow anything to change. It's not what Jake would have wanted. So raise your glasses to Jake, and to family!" The crowd echoed my words with gusto. "Thank you."

I walked off the stage, as calmly as I could, before ripping the heels from my feet and bolting to the bathroom with Rose and Alice on my tail.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**May 7, 2007**

Moving day.

When I called up a realtor, I had few stipulations. I needed a place that was fully furnished. It didn't have to be fancy, hell, or even in good condition, it just had to have furniture. Rose and Alice insisted on coming with me to search for apartments, and stupidly I let them. If they hadn't come along I would have chosen the apartment that was worse for wear, but they insisted on the one I was moving into now. I agreed just to keep them off my back, and to stop the guilt trips they were placing on me.

It sure as fuck wasn't an apartment. It was a goddamn condo. Two bed, two bath, full kitchen and dining room, living room and office, private patio, and two floors. And it was all mine. I didn't need it all, but it shut them up which made me marginally happy. Best part was it was fully furnished with up to date appliances, and modest furniture. It even had artwork adorning the walls. The feeling of warmth would be a nice touch to the "normal" that was expected of me. With the little stuff I had, I wouldn't have a problem making the place look lived in.

Only one trip was needed to transport all my belongings in Emmett's truck. Rosalie and Alice were out buying towels, sheets, food, and any other shit I would need. I had faith that we'd be done very quickly.

Quick it was not! Five hours later Rose and Alice were still buzzing about the place, "making sure everything is just perfect." Em and I sat on the couch, just watching the circus show unfold before us. My big brother was able to slip in a few good jokes, making me laugh. And just like the annoying big brother that he is, he had to tickle me. I held out for as long as I could before I couldn't control my urge to laugh.

Somehow I had managed to end up in his lap, and I took advantage of the position, wrapping my arm around his neck, and giving him a noogie. He couldn't stand those.

"Hey, hey! Not cool, Belly bean!"

"Neither is tickling me, but you still did it."

"Hey! That's my right as the big brother. You just have ta sit back an' take it, sis."

"Whatever," I grumbled.

Em wrapped me up in his thick arms. I could feel his chest vibrate from the low groan he was emitting. I had to admit to myself that it felt nice, and that I'd missed it. Emmett and I had only been step-siblings for fifteen years, but it felt as if we were blood related.

"Mmmm. I've missed you, Belly Bean," he whispered only loud enough for me to hear. "Love ya, lil sis."

I burrowed my face into his neck, speaking only loud enough for him to hear as well, "I missed you, too, brother bear. Love you."

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**September 13, 2007**

My breaths came in short huffs as my feet pound against the black top. The muscles in my legs burned from exhaustion, but I pressed on.

"Alec! You shit! This isn't funny!"

The little punk was laughing! _While_ his scrawny ass was being chased by the law.

"Why you gotta run? You have something to hide? I bet when I catch you, you'll be all hopped up on drugs, huh?"

All the signs pointed to him being high. I showed up to do our normal check ups; I needed to check his house for weapons, drugs and alcohol, check with his parents about his grades, and give him a piss test. Simple. He had come back clean every time, and now_ this_. Now he runs. Usually meant one thing; parole was broken.

And he was doing _so good_. Only had three more months left before parole was up. But since he relapsed, I would have to arrest him, and he'd have to go to Juvie until a court date could be set. He would most likely spend another year or two in jail. Then he'd have to do probation all over again.

Fifteen years old and already had a hefty criminal record. A few runaway charges, two petty theft, two public intoxication and underage drinking, possession of illegal substances and multiple failed drug tests, concealed weapons, possession of a stolen vehicle and underage driving, and four domestic violence charges for fighting in school. It was a lot for his age. Hell, a lot for anyone's age. He'd been in and out of the courts since he was thirteen. It wasn't until just a few months ago that he was put into the federal system.

His behaviors didn't match his personality. He was always just so happy, and bright. Out of all my charges he was the one I looked forward to visiting most, because he always had some new and corny joke to tell me. I suspected he was into getting into trouble to make someone care for him, since his own parents couldn't give a shit. Well, he got it; I sure gave a shit.

"Jesus fucking Christ! You better stop now, fuckwit!" I huffed. I was getting really winded. _I need to start hitting the gym or something. Damn!_

It was a bitch chasing after people who were hopped up. It was like their bodies didn't recognize the need for fucking air, or that they were tired. I could probably shoot him in the foot and he wouldn't even notice. For a second, I actually considered it, but quickly changed my mind; I didn't need to go through all the shit that would bring upon me. I didn't have the patience for it.

When he couldn't hop the fence, I gained on him, and threw him to the ground. Flat on his back and probably in pain, he laughed, like this was all just a fun game he was playing.

"Way to go, Alec. You fucked everything up."

"Haha! That's funny!"

"Yeah, you'll be thinking its hilarious once the high wears off, and you're sitting a cell waiting to be booked. Then we'll see who's laughing. I guarantee it'll be me." I grabbed his arm and flipped him onto his stomach - I knew I wouldn't get any compliance from him - and cuffed him.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**June 3, 2008**

I was sitting in my office doing paperwork when Aro knocked on my door.

"Yeah?" I asked distractedly.

"Bella, the new hire is here."

"Uh huh, that's great, Aro."

I went back to my work, not caring that we had a new person. It didn't concern me.

"And you're the one she's going to work under," he said decisively.

My head shot up in surprise, and I eyed him down with a cold stare. "What? Why?"

"Because I want her training with the best, and guess what? That's you. She has great potential, and I think you're the best bet to bring that out in her. So buck up, suck it up, and just do it. Yes?"

"Yes, sir," I replied begrudgingly.

"Good." He smiled his _charming_ smile. "Come out and meet her," Aro demanded. He shoved his hands in his pants pockets, and spun on his heel, effectively ending an further argument on my part. I threw the pen in my hand across the room angrily before slamming my head down onto my desk.

When someone else knocked on my door I didn't bother to check who it was and just snapped a frustrated, "What?"

"Uh, sorry to bother you," a soft voice said. "Aro told me to meet you in your office, and well, here I am."

I slowly raised my head from the tabletop, my eyes sweeping her appearance from head to toe. She wasn't all that tall, maybe 5'5", real slender, but definitely toned. Her hair was a golden color that was almost coppery. I scoffed. Aro thought she had potential? She looked too soft hearted for a job like this. But then again, so did I at one point.

"What's your name?" I questioned.

"Oh!" The nameless woman rushed across the room, thrusting her hand out to me. "I'm Elizabeth Masen. Everyone calls me Liz, though."

I shook her hand curtly.

"You probably already know that I'm Bella, I suppose."

"Yes. Aro's told me so much about you."

"Huh?" I bit my tongue to hold back the cursing, instead I replied, "I know nothing about you. This is the first I heard we even had a new hire."

"Curious," she whispered. _Curious indeed…_

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

On my way home, after explaining the basics to Liz, I passed by PETCO, the sign for their adoption days catching my eye. I parked my bike, and went into the store, instantly spotting the adoption center. I made my way over, taking in all the dogs and cats that were there.

One in particular caught my eye, oddly, since it was a rambunctious fucker. But it made me smile. Tentatively, I pat the black and white dog, feeling utterly content.

A blond girl with a PETCO apron on, pranced over to me.

"She seems to love you."

I ignored her comment. "What kind of dog is she?"

"Border collie. Her name is Chelsea."

I suddenly had to have her. I didn't care what the cost was, I wanted her. "I'll take her."

The girl looked shocked, but said, "Well, let me go get the papers."

While she was getting whatever she was getting, I pet Chelsea, falling in love with her more and more as the seconds passed, and called Emmett.

"Bells!"

"Hey, Em. Could you meet me at PETCO?"

"Why?"

"Because. Just… Fucking get here!" I hung up the phone, not letting him question me anymore, just in time for the girl to come back with a small stack of papers for me to sign.

… … …

I loaded up Emmett's truck with everything I could possibly think to buy for Chelsea. I had dog beds, food, bowls, treats, leashes, tons of toys, and anything else that caught my eye. Em gave me an odd look when I came out of the store with a dog on a leash, and a couple carts pushed by me and a bag boy. He wisely kept his mouth shut, and helped me put everything in the truck.

My condo had hardwood floors thankfully, and I wouldn't have to worry about if Chelsea went to the bathroom inside. I assumed she was potty trained since she was two years old. But I wouldn't be there to let her out every time she needed to go, and accidents happened.

The second Chelsea bombarded my condo, I knew I made a good choice. She sniffed everything in sight, even going upstairs. I put a dog bed in the living room, and one in my room. All the toys I grabbed were now thrown haphazardly around the condo. Her food and water bowls were in the kitchen and filled.

Emmett had already fallen in love with my new, quirky dog.

And I was happy.

Chelsea's paws scraped across the floors, but she made little progress because she was running so fast. She plowed into me, knocking me down, and pounced on top of me to lick my face. I could hardly breathe. Her tail was wagging so hard, back and forth, that her hind end was wagging, too.

"You got yourself a handful there, Bells," Em retorted.

I chuckled. "Yep."

"It's good to see you smile…"

That stopped me cold. I hadn't noticed I was smiling. In fact in the past year I had been doing my best to avoid it. But this was a dog, I rationalized, I could be happy with the dog; she wouldn't judge me, or expect anything of me other than the bare necessities.

… … …

Later that night when Chelsea was settled down, and asleep in my bedroom, I decided I needed to change my hair. It had been black for quite a while now, and I thought it was about time for a change. My hair would never be the same color it was when Jake was alive, so brown was out. The next easiest thing would be to bleach it blond.

I was satisfied with it once I finished. It was a color I could live with for now.

I slipped into bed, flipped the light off, and tucked myself under the sheets. Chelsea jumped on the bed, and made herself comfortable, thrusting her nose under my arm to toss it over her. I cooperated with her, laughing at how weird she was.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**January 2009**

January quickly proved to be an odd month. I was given three new folders, which meant I had three more people to keep track of. The weird part about it was that they were all famous people. I wasn't even aware we had anybody famous in Phoenix. Turns out this was there hometown, and when California had enough of them they forced them back here, and subsequently into my hands.

James, Jessica, and Lauren were actors and models. Apparently they were a big thing in the world of Hollywood. I had never paid any attention to that sort of shit, so I had no clue what the big deal was around the office. I suspected that was why I stuck with the three divas, since I was the only one not star-struck.

There was a special note in each of their files stating that they were only allowed in California for work purposes. And the kicker? I had to accompany them. That wasn't something I'd ever heard of before, but some dumbass judge ordered it.

The girls were airheads, and James just rubbed me the wrong way right from the start. There was just something about him that ruffled my feathers. He had a predatory stare, and I always felt like he was storing every little thing I did when I was around him for later use.

That was the first time I was ever nervous about a charge, and I made sure to keep a close eye on him.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**February 16, 2009**

It was that time of year for my regular physical. I had to endure them bi-yearly for work. A pain in my ass, but worth the pain. At least it kept Aro off my case.

I sat on the cold, hard table waiting for the doctor to come and do his thing. I didn't look anywhere but at my hands. I didn't want another episode to happen.

_Knock-knock_

The door crept open tentatively, the doctor sticking his head in. "Hello, Bella! Long time no see."

"Yep."

With a serious face he said, "That's a good thing." He sat on his rolling chair, scooting right up to the exam table. He quickly went through the routine of a physical, giving me a clean bill of health.

"Now, do you have any concerns you'd like to discuss?"

"Yeah. I keep having these muscle cramps every time I stand after sitting for more than 10 minutes, I can never seem to get rid of my headaches, and I have a real hard time falling to sleep or staying asleep. And I always feel restless, like if I sit for too long I might explode. Sometimes it feels like my heart is racing for no reason. But I'm pretty sure its all because of work, and the after effects of the accident a few years ago."

"And this has been going on for a few years you say?"

"Yeah."

"Hmmm," he hummed thoughtfully. He tapped his pen on the table, causing my eyes to hone in on the annoyance, and I glared at it in frustration. The doctor was still watching me, and smirked at my reaction to his pen tapping, which only irked me more.

"Your symptoms are not caused by the accident, or stress from work. You're depressed. That's why you keep having the aches and pains, along with the headaches and inability to sleep. I believe it is also the cause of your anxiety."

"Are you serious?" I asked incredulously.

He clicked his pen and pulled his prescription pad from his lab coat. "I'm going to prescribe you an anti-depressant. It should help with all your problems, and stabilize your emotions. Give it an honest shot, Bella. Take one pill twice a day, at the same times everyday. If after three months you don't feel any improvement come see me, and we'll try another one."

"Are you serious?" I asked again.

"Yes, Bella. While I think some of it could be contributed to the after effects of the head trauma you sustained in the accident, I don't think it is what's causing your issues. So, give those a try, and see me again in three months regardless of whether you like them or not. Okay?"

"Uh, um, yeah. Okay," I spluttered.

"Okay. I'm glad you finally brought this up. I was beginning to wonder if I would have to do it." He smiled, patted my leg and left the room, leaving me utterly stunned.

… … …

I didn't tell anybody that I was diagnosed with depression. And I sure a fuck didn't tell anybody I was prescribed depression medicine. I took the pills as instructed, never missing a dose. At the three month mark when I felt no results, my doctor switched me to another anti-depressant. I didn't take that one for long; it only increased my headaches.

The third pill I tried scared the fuck out of me. I didn't feel like myself, and I could swear I could hear Jake talking. I called my doctor immediately, explaining what was happening. He discontinued that prescription and gave me a new one right away.

It seemed the fourth try was the lucky one…

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**March 16, 2010 1:05:58 PM**

_Whizzzzz… POP!_

_Oh, fuck…_

* * *

**Chapter End Notes:**

That part with the gun went_ a lot_ farther than I had originally planned. Surprised myself there. :[

So, I was searching the word 'disrepair' one day on Google (cuz that's what you do when you're bored), and stumbled across a link to my story. I want to thank whomever nominated me for a Hidden Star award in the Best Dark Story category! If I could've fallen off my chair I would've. So thank you to whoever you are! Even if I don't win (which I'd be fine with; I have plenty of trophies in my room from my martial arts tournaments.) the subject matter I cover will get a lot of exposure like it needs. And that's what's important right?

FINALLY I get to write the chapter I've been dying to write for so many months now. (Seriously, it's been on my mind for 6+ months) It's that little scene that brought this whole story into fruition. And I'm so excited to write it! I don't know how long it'll take for me to write; it might take a couple days or it may take weeks. Who knows? But I hope I blow your socks off with it!

Thank you: Fellow writer **hitchy** for asking me the right questions to spark my memory and imagination; for my fantastic beta,** Tima83**, who answers my random questions about correct punctuations that should be obvious, and you for reading and reviewing!

Make sure to add me on twitter (chy3) or on tumblr (link in my profile) for alerts on teasers, and more! I'll post the companion to this chapter soon after this hits the queue.

So, who can guess what just happened there at the very end of the chapter? It might be completely obvious, but hey! How would I know? Because, I know! And, does anybody have photoshop skills they'd be willing to donate to make a better banner for 'Disrepair'?

~M. Perez


	9. Chapter 9 The Shootout

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

Ready for some action packed goodness? Some EDWARD? Well here it is, finally! (I didn't bother describing Edward. We all know what he looks like, and I've posted pictures of him already on tumblr. So describing him is moot, and how many different ways can we describe Jawporn, bronze hair, and straight noses? I have nothing fresh to use to describe him, so why bore you with the same details we all know by heart?)

This chapter isn't as long as the last few have been, but it's a complete one. If you want to follow along to my descriptions of the setting here is the link, http:/www(.)westgatecitycenter(.)com/explore_westgate(.)php It'll help you visualize everything a little better. And the companion post on tumblr should be up soon.

Enjoy!

**Disclaimer - I don't own Twilight, or any businesses, products, etc. **

* * *

**Chapter 9 - The Shootout**

**March 16, 2010 12:00:14 PM**

I had just gotten back to the office from checking up on a few of my charges, when one of my watches beeped, signaling that it was twelve. I was starved.

Elizabeth was writing a report for court across the hall. I didn't know if she would like to go to lunch with me, but I would try anyways.

"Hey, Liz? It's noon, you hungry?" I shouted to her from my desk. I twiddled around with a few things on my computer, checking for any new emails that I needed to respond to right away.

She looked up from her own computer, checking her watch. "Yeah. Goin' to Westgate?"

"Yep."

I decided not to take off my vest and guns. Didn't have the patience to do it, because it would entail me actually changing. My stomach was growling something awful, and I just wanted to eat.

"Can we take your bike?" she asked excitedly.

I chuckled. She was a sucker for my motorcycle, the Ninja, and always tried to get me to take her on rides.

"Sure. Why not." She did a small fist pump in victory.

It would be uncomfortable for me to ride with the vest on, but I sucked it up and grabbed my keys.

"You not taking your gun?" I asked.

She shook her head. "Nah, no need."

I shrugged. "Suit yourself."

… … …

Westgate City Center at lunch time was always super packed. Thousands of people filled the place, some shopped at the many stores to choose from, others were there just for the food, and some stayed at the hotels. There was also a theatre on the other side of the Center, and it was the place to go to see the latest release. The whole City Center had a great feel to it. The lines were long, people bumped into you constantly, and you could always expect at least one fight to break out. But the food, and general atmosphere was worth it. If you were lucky, you could find a spot next to the fountains to cool off.

I _loved_ the anonymity that the big crowds offered.

Liz and I had come in the south entrance where the Waterdance Plaza was. Music poured out of the restaurant and saloon known as McFadden's, and across the entranceway people were transported in time in an authentic looking old Western saloon. People filled the courtyard, just milling about, watching the fountain show, and eating their meals. Behind the fountains were a few other restaurants, and a bar called Margaritaville. Surrounding the whole courtyard were billboards, billboards, billboards! In this part of the City Center you were surrounded by culture.

"I'm going to get me some Moe's," Liz informed me as she rubbed her stomach and licked her lips dramatically. I nodded, and pointed to Calico Jack's Cantina where I'd be going. Liz left the courtyard, making her way to the other side of the City Center, next to the AMC Theatres leaving me to walk around the fountains where I'd find Calico's.

After I got my food, I found a spot by the fountains to eat and wait for Liz to come back, and just browsed the crowd. Passersby gave me apprehensive looks when they spotted the gun strapped to my chest. The gun holster on my torso allowed my standard issue pistol to rest under my arm, which made it fairly concealed, but it was still in view. I also had a second gun strapped to my ankle, hiding under my pants. It was a much smaller gun, and was easy to hide beneath my jeans. Probably overkill for being off duty at the moment, but I didn't care. I figured the badge hanging from my neck let them know that I wasn't here to kill them or anything.

I stopped searching the crowd abruptly when I spotted one of my charges, James. He was talking to another man, both of their eyes shifting around the crowd suspiciously. James reached in the pocket of his leather jacket, handed over something I couldn't see, and the other guy passed him something back.

I knew a drug deal when I saw one, and one was happening only thirty feet away from me.

I stood from my spot and yelled, "James!" Both him and his friend looked at me right away, their eyes widening. James reached in his jacket again, pulling a gun, aiming right at me.

_BANG!… Whizz… POP!_

The bullet shot right past my head before I could move, making an earsplitting whistling sound as it passed.

The crowd screamed in terror, ducking to the ground before rushing to the exits. The guy that was with James was now mixed in the crowd, but James remained. He stared at me, in that split second of a moment we were still in, with emotionless eyes. He now had nowhere to go. The Westgate City Center would become our arena. If he tried to run from here, he'd never make it with all the cars rushing to leave, and I would be trapped here with him because backup wouldn't be able to sift through the crowd fast enough to help. It was me against James. And I knew one or both of us wouldn't be making it out of here alive.

In the next second I went pull my own gun from its holster, but James was already in motion.

"Fuck!" I yelled, ducking behind the closest thing I could hide behind and still see James, which happened to be a trash can. I pulled out my gun, flipping the safety off, and dialed Liz's number. "Come on! Pick up!"

"Bella! What's going on? Did I just hear a gunshot?"

I ignored her questions. I didn't have time. "Please tell me you have your badge on you."

"Yes, I do."

"Good. Keep it out, flash it at everybody. I need you to help control the crowd, and call for backup. Like five fucking minutes ago. Tell them I accidentally intervened on a drug deal between James Turner and an unknown man. A full on gun fight is about to break out! Tell them to prepare for mass casualties." I hung up without a response. I didn't have_time_.

I peeked around the garbage bin, trying to find where James had moved to. It took a while because screaming people were running around like an angry beehive. James spotted me before I could see him, and a bullet ricocheted off the metal of the bin. I recoiled, shrinking back behind the only thing between me and him.

I was thanking my lucky stars I had kept my guns on me.

Taking a deep breath, I stood from behind my hiding spot, aiming my gun right at James' chest.

_BANG! _

I shot off one round, barely missing him as he dove to the ground. He fired back two shots, missing me by a hair, but I heard an, "oomph," and a scream behind me. Someone was hit. And I couldn't help them.

James fired two more rounds, hitting another person.

"James! Stop now!"

_BANG BANG BANG!_ Three more rounds in rapid succession. This time I fired back, no longer aiming to maim. No, I was out for the kill now.

I ran across the courtyard, hoping to get behind one of counters for cover, but I didn't make it that far. Another bullet stopped me in my tracks, hitting the palm tree in front of me. Taking aim again, I shot off a full clip, but kept narrowly missing James' running form.

I changed out clips, tossing the empty one haphazardly behind me as I bolted for cover again.

I was now next to the stores and restaurants, and behind the fountain. James was on the other side, behind the Westgate City Center map board.

He popped his head around a couple times, trying to find me again. I pointed my gun steadily, waiting for just the right moment to make my shot. I timed it wrong and missed him by a second. As soon as I shot off the round, James popped back around the map shooting three times in succession, hitting me once in the vest, right where my heart was, and another hit me in the shoulder just outside of the protection my vest gave me. "Jesus fuck!" I yelled in agony.

A searing, burning sting spread through my left shoulder; blood gushed from the wound. I had manage to get another round out before I fell from the impact of the shots I took, but I didn't see if my bullet hit its intended target or not.

There were still hundreds of people rushing through the City Center, trying desperately to find an exit. I couldn't allow this to hold me down for long. Pushing the pain away I stood, emptying another clip in the direction James was running again, clipping his shirt as it flowed behind him.

"Fuck!" I dropped to the ground again, searching frantically for another clip, but finding none. "FUCK!" I had one gun left and only half the amount of bullets for it that I had for the first gun. I'd have to get closer to him if I wanted a chance to take him down. He was too fast for me to hit at a distance.

I chased after him, following the trail he took across the open space, and clutched my left arm to my body. People parted to the sides, trying to avoid any contact with James, and inadvertently making way for me.

I passed a man trying to stop the bleeding on some lady's leg. He looked at me, his eyes widening as he saw the blood soaking my shirt. But I couldn't spare him more than a passing glance as I ran after James.

"Where's back up when you need it?" I screamed to no one.

I was pushing my body to its limits, running off pure adrenaline, and bleeding out at a rapid pace. Soon my body would register the fact that I was going to be loosing too much blood… very fucking soon.

I lost track of James near the AMC Theatre, and I slowed to a walk, searching for any sign of him. There were no longer any innocent people here, they were all over in the main courtyard now.

James darted out from behind one of the massive palms trees to hide behind another. I got one round off, barely grazing his arm. He howled in pain, but didn't stop his progress. I, too, hid behind a palm tree, resting against it to catch my breath. I shook my head to clear it of the fogginess I was suddenly feeling from the blood loss.

I forced myself to focus when the sound of running feet hit my ears. Quickly, I zeroed in on the same man I saw helping that lady. As he got closer he removed the bag that was strapped around his shoulder, sliding to a halt in front of me on his knees.

"I'm Dr. Cullen," he hurried to say, as he rushed to open his bag. He pulled out a pair of scissors, immediately cutting my plaid shirt off.

"Wait," I told him quietly. I peeked around the tree trunk, looking for James. I shot at him as he made a run for another tree, hitting him right in the middle of the arm I hit the first time. "Fuck," I whispered harshly before resting against my tree again. The doctor was ready when I turned around, placing a handful of gauze to my wound. I hissed in pain when I felt the pressure and the sting of the medicine he'd put on the gauze to help stop the bleeding. "Do you always come this prepared?"

"Always," he replied. "What about you? Do you always carry a gun around and wear a bullet proof vest?"

"Most of the time. Never needed them before really."

"What's this guy's deal anyways?"

"I caught him making a drug deal. _Gah!_ He's one of my parolees, and well, they don't take too kindly to being caught dealing. So here we are."

We flinched as a bullet bounced off the concrete right next to us. I forced myself to focus again, and forget the haziness clouding my mind, so I could shoot back. I clipped James in the leg this time, and took the opportunity to fire more rounds at his stumbling form. But he was too close to the next tree, and none of the other shots hit him.

My first clip for the second gun was already empty, and I cursed aloud as I switched my last remaining clip into place.

"These are all the bullets I have left, and I don't know how long I'll be able to stay focused. You know how to shoot a gun?"

"Yes."

"Good. There's only 12 rounds left. We gotta make 'em count."

"How many times have you hit him, and where?"

"Three. Twice to the arm, but one was only a graze. The last one hit him in the thigh."

"Well let's hope you hit an artery."

I peered around again, watching him limp to another tree, I fired off two more rounds, hitting him in the arm again. As I was moving to hide again, James fired a few shots, almost hitting the doctor. He huddled closer to me, ducking his head, but not removing any pressure from the wound.

Black spots danced across my eyes, my breathing became more shallow, and I knew… I just knew I didn't have much more time.

"Where's that fucking backup?" I whispered weakly.

"Hey! Stay with me. You gotta finish this!" he yelled. I nodded meekly, squinting to see clearly.

When James started shooting rounds randomly I popped out from behind my tree and fired rapidly with a lazy finger. Almost every shot hit him, and SWAT rushed onto the scene, following up my gunshots with their own just as I collapsed.

The last thing I saw was Charlie rushing towards me in his police jacket and vest, and the bronze haired doctor screaming silent words at me.

… … …

I woke to sirens blaring as the ambulance tilted with the speedy turns it made. The doctor from earlier was cutting the rest of my clothes from my torso, and unstrapping the vest.

"Hold in there, Bella," he encouraged.

I tried to stay alert for as long as I could, but lost the fight, and blacked out again.

… … …

As the paramedics were pulling my gurney from the ambulance, I opened my eyes again. The same man, whose name I couldn't remember at the moment, who'd helped me at Westgate, leaned over me and spoke, "Stay awake, Bella. I need you to stay awake." I nodded meekly in reply.

I focused on the passing ceiling tiles, trying to keep my eyes open. Every time I would come close to blacking out, that doctor would come back into my line of sight to remind me to stay awake. He helped me keep my focus.

A flurry of people in scrubs worked around me. The bronze haired doctor stripped his suit jacket off, throwing it somewhere in the room they had taken me to, shouting orders for bags of blood and things I didn't know the meaning of.

"Dr. Cullen, go get checked out," said a man in a lab coat.

"No, I'm fine. I didn't get hurt in anyway."

"But your knees-" The doctor pointed at something.

"I said I'm _fine_!" Dr. Cullen cut in harshly. "I'm going to see this through. I owe her that much." He turned back to me, giving me his full attention again. He smiled warmly. "You got lucky, Bella. You won't need surgery to remove the bullet. As soon as the nurse comes back with everything I need I'll remove it, and stitch you up. In the meantime stay conscious for me."

"'Kay," I whispered.

"I'm going to ask you some questions to help you stay awake, okay?" I nodded appreciatively. "What's your full name Bella?"

"Isabella Marie Black."

"How old are you?"

"29."

"What's the name of the man in the gun fight?"

"James Turner." I heard a gasp come somewhere in the room, but didn't bother to wonder about the meaning behind it.

"What do you do for a living?"

"Federal Probations."

"Have you ever had to use your gun before?"

"No."

"Here you go, Dr. Cullen," a nurse announced.

"Thank you. Okay, Bella, here we go." Dr. Cullen moved towards a nurse, slipping on one of those yellow gowns that doctors wear, and a pair of gloves before picking up a tool from the metal table next to the gurney.

I screamed out in pain when he started working on my shoulder. I could feel him poking around.

"Get her another shot of morphine!" he ordered. "It'll be over soon, I promise. But I need you to try to stay awake even though it hurts, okay?"

I nodded quickly, bracing myself for more pain.

He dove back in his work, and I gritted my teeth, trying to hold back another scream. After what seemed like an eternity the pressure in my shoulder stopped, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"It's out!" Dr. Cullen cheered. "I'm going to stitch you up now."

"Okay," I replied.

The left over nurses quietly exited the room, I guessed since they were no longer needed. Dr. Cullen walked to the door, closing it softly before turning back to me, and giving me a tight smile.

"I wanted to thank you for all you did at Westgate. You saved a lot of lives," he said.

I shook my head vehemently. "No. No. If I hadn't have been there none of that would have happened. Others were shot in the process, and I'm sure at least one of those bullets I shot hit some innocent person. I don't know how many got hurt, or how many died. James was my responsibility, and I failed."

"Well… I don't see it that way."

"Then tell me how you see it," I snapped unintentionally.

"Life is a game of chance. How were you to know that he had a gun, that there was a drug deal going on? What if you would have known those things, would you have stayed away? Or would you have done your duty as law enforcement? The way I see it, it was bound to happen at some point. You just did what you had to do. If you hadn't thought as quick as you had, there could have been more injuries. Do you get it?"

"No. It sounds ridiculous." I wasn't convinced, and I was stubbornly sticking to my theory.

He chuckled. "Okay then." I felt a tug on my shoulder and I quickly looked down. To my astonishment, he had already finished stitching me up. "All done. Should heal up nicely, leaving a very little scar."

"Thanks Dr. Cullen."

"Think nothing of it." He waved an errant hand at me, shrugging my comment off. "It's the least I could do for you. You're a hero."

"No I'm not. I wouldn't have even made it out if it wasn't for you helping to stop the bleeding. I owe you for that, by the way."_ More like you saved me from an early death, and allowing me to continue searching for the person responsible for Jake's death._ I would never tell him that, though.

"I was just doing my job. Just like you. I figured I'd be more helpful by helping you with your bleeding while you stopped that James guy. Who knows what would have happened if he would have killed you? He could have ran back to the crowd and just started shooting."

"I guess."

Luckily he left it at that. "Oh! How would you like to have a gown to warm you up?"

"Sounds great."

Dr. Cullen spun on the rolling chair, opening a couple cabinet doors, exclaiming an, "Ah ha! Found it!" He leaned over to help me pull it on over the only article of clothing on my torso, my bra, careful not to disturb the IV in my hand, or my wound.

When he sat back he looked a little apprehensive, thoughtful, with his brow furrowed, eyes squinted.

"Do you mind me asking what that scar is on your stomach?" he asked.

I inhaled sharply, the color draining from my face. I'd managed to avoid that question for the past three years, why now? Couldn't he just infer? He was a doctor for fuck's sake! He could come close enough to the truth on his own, couldn't he?

"Uh…"

"Forget I asked," he cut in. "It's not my business."

"Okay," I breathed. I needed a change of topic, right fucking now. "What's your name?"

"Dr. Cullen."

"No, I mean your first name."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. Force of habit here. My name's Edward."

"Edward," I repeated quietly, tasting it on my tongue. "Old name. You don't hear that tossed around very much anymore."

"Yeah, my parents are like that. They wanted to name me something that was unique for the times, but a classic. Edward it was."

"It suits you," I commented politely.

"Thank you." He smiled warmly, eyes darting back and forth between mine. "Well," he said abruptly, the air thick with tension suddenly. "I'm going to go get cleaned up and let the nurses know that you can be transferred to another room. I want you to stay over night so we can keep an eye on you."

"Alright."

"See ya, Bella."

"See ya."

As I laid there alone I realized that I suddenly felt alive, despite just facing death for the third time in my life. I realized that I couldn't remember a minute of the last year. Not one day stood out. And I was freaked the fuck out. Where had all the time gone?

* * *

**Chapter End Notes:**

A couple of you guessed there was a gun involved, and one of you got it dead on, guessing that Bella got shot. Good job girls (any guys out there?)!

Some of that hospital stuff may have been more dramatic than it really would be in real life, but hey! I don't know! I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever been shot. I made do.

Tell me what you think! Was it everything you thought it would be, or was it more? Less?

M.


	10. Chapter 10 Pile It On Me!

Is it just me, or does it seem like these chapters are coming out ridiculously fast? Probably just me.

Short and sweet, here we go!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, I only play with the characters in cruel and unusual ways. I am no way associated with any other publicly recognizable business, products, person, etc., and all that are mentioned are purely coincidental.**

I love my beta, **Tima83**, she puts up with my total lack of knowledge about the written English language, and validates my chapters at the speed of light!

* * *

Chapter 10 - Pile It On Me!

**March 16, 2010 2:45 PM**

Ten very worried faces burst through my hospital room door _minutes_ after I had been moved there by a couple of nurses (I had wanted to walk, but they refused, stating that it was hospital policy they transfer me on a gurney. I refused saying if they couldn't let me walk they could at least use a wheelchair instead.). Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, Dad, Mom, Phil, Elizabeth, Aro, Charlotte, and Demetri, scrunched their bodies into the tight fit that was my room for the night.

My dad pushed through the small crowd, and took me into his arms carefully, but holding me strongly.

"Fuck… You really scared me there, Bella," he whispered into my ear. It was so rare that he swore, but in this case it didn't surprise me. It had to have been really scary watching your only daughter collapse in the middle of a gunfight, and not knowing whether or not she was still alive. Now that I could think clearly, I could remember vividly the look on his face as I fell in a heap to the ground. That was an image that would stay with me forever.

"I'm okay, Dad. I promise."

"Good. Don't ever do that to me again. My old heart can't take it."

I chuckled a little and nodded my acquiescence.

Our little private conversation wasn't questioned by the others, which was good; they didn't need to know what was said between me and my father.

"How did you manage to get the hospital staff to let you all in here?" I asked.

"We flashed a few badges, what else?" Aro asked, as if it should be obvious. I nodded my head, knowing just how easy it was to get into just about everything as long as you had a badge.

"Okay, okay. Stupid question." I raised my hands in surrender. Stupid idea. I screamed in pain, holding my left arm tightly to my body using my good arm, and squinting my eyes shut hoping that the tears wouldn't come.

"Bella!" every female in the room yelled in worry.

"Do you need me to call a nurse?" my mom hurried to ask.

"No, no," I replied through gritted teeth. "I'll be fine in a minute."

"Are you sure?" she pushed.

"Yes!"

"Alright, Sweetheart."

Like I had said, I was fine a minute or two later.

Emmett suddenly got excited, did some weird hop, skip kind of dance over to the left side of my bed. "Let's see it, Belly Bean!" He gingerly grabbed the sleeve of my hospital gown, rolling it up high enough that he could see my gun shot wound clearly. The location of it was a dead give away because a small spot of blood had soaked through the gauze and fabric covering it. "Nice! That's gonna be one heck of a scar, sis."

"Let me see," Demetri demanded, now excited by Em's words. Demetri whistled in awe. "Damn, girl! I'm jealous! If I had one of these? Man, imagine all the girls I could get."

"Yeah!" Em fist bumped Demetri, and Rosalie cleared her throat loudly, making Emmett flinch. I chuckled under my breath. "I mean, uh, that's good for you, um, uh, Demetri. Not that I would need it… haha."

"Seriously though, Bella, I could score a ton of girls with a scar like that."

"Oh, yeah, yeah. Totally… Hey, why don't you hand me your gun, I'll shoot you right now. Where would you like it?"

"Whoa! Cool the jets there. No need to get testy."

"You're such a dick, Demetri," I huffed, desperately wanting to cross my arms, and shut myself off. But, I remembered what happened a few minutes ago; I wouldn't be moving that arm anytime soon.

"Knock-knock," we heard come from the door. Simultaneously we turned our heads to look at the new-comer. It was Dr. Edward Cullen. He had changed into another pair of slacks, fresh button up shirt, and a multicolored tie. His hair was tamed into a perfect coiffure, and he no longer had people's blood all over him. He looked very clean-cut now with the buttons of his shirt perfectly in line with the button and zipper on his trousers. "How's everybody doing," he asked with a smile, still standing in the doorway.

There was a chorus of, "Good," from the whole lot invading my room. It was ridiculously creepy how they all somehow managed to say at least one thing in sync. It always freaked me the fuck out.

"Do you guys think we could manage to squeeze in a few more people?" Dr. Cullen questioned a bit sheepishly.

"Yeah!" they all said, welcoming more people in like it was some kind of party in here. I groaned out an, "Oh, God," which was drowned out by their loud voices. I was already starting to feel extremely suffocated, I didn't know how much more I could handle.

"Okay," he said, opening the door wider, revealing two tired looking detectives. They seemed vaguely familiar to me for some reason. "This is Detective Garrett Young, and his partner Detective Peter Hall. They need our statements for the shootout, Bella."

"Ugh, great. Alright. Let's get it over with, shall we?"

I heard Emmett whisper to Demetri, "Yes! I can't wait to hear how it all went down." Demetri nodded enthusiastically with him.

I rolled my eyes at their antics. They were was such pains in my ass, _every single_ time they were in the same vicinity. Separately they were a handful, together they were a skull-splitting headache.

"What do you guys want to know?" I asked in a bored tone. I hated this part of the job with a passion.

Dr. Cullen moved to stand by me, facing the detectives so he could give his statement as well.

Detective Hall clicked his pen, preparing to take notes. "Bella, what do you know about James Turner?" The way he asked the question tugged at my mind in a sense of almost déjà vu. I felt like I knew him, and it was making it slightly hard to concentrate.

"He is one of my parolees. He has a pretty hefty criminal record that got him kicked out of California. I haven't had any problems with him, though. He'd always come back clean on the drug tests. Not once did I find evidence that he broke parole. Well, until today. I don't know, what do you want to know about him? Be more specific."

"What was he on parole for?"

"Why don't you just do your research?" I snapped.

Detective Young stepped forward, giving Hall a pointed look. "Sorry, ma'am. Tell us about how the shootout started."

The way Young took over Hall's position, trying to smooth over his mistakes, reminded me why they were so familiar. I had talked to these two before.

My eyes narrowed at Detective Hall. "I remember you now!" I snapped my fingers a couple times before pointing at him. "You're that rookie who tried to question me a few years ago. I see you haven't learned much since then." His eyes widened before narrowing into slits, but smartly keeping his mouth shut. I looked at him smugly, happy that I'd remembered why they were so familiar. For some reason I just couldn't stand him, or his baby-face.

Detective Young chuckled quietly, winking at me, before bring the focus back to the task at hand. He repeated his question, and I gave all the sordid details, leaving out the guilt I felt about the whole thing. I kept my eyes trained solely on him, ignoring the looks coming from my family and co-workers the best I could. Demetri and Emmett looked on in awe, like I was the coolest thing to walk the fucking Earth; My mom, Phil, Elizabeth, Rosalie, Alice (who had been suspiciously quiet this whole time), and Dad looked pained; Aro looked neutral about it all, but I paid them no mind.

"Dr. Cullen?"

"Edward, please," Dr. Cullen requested.

"Edward then. Tell us your side of events concerning James Turner, and Ms. Black, please?"

"Certainly, Detective Young. I went to Westgate City Center for lunch before my shift here at the hospital was supposed to start. At about 1 o'clock, I was just packing up to come to the hospital when I heard a gun shot across the plaza, not more than fifty feet from me. The second shot hit an older man, maybe sixty years old. I rushed to help him, but then another shot fired, hitting a woman this time. I had a better chance helping the woman so I left the man to help her. I was placing a tourniquet on her to help stop the bleeding, and that's when James and Bella ran past me. When I saw the blood on Bella, I knew I had to help her, so I chased after her. I couldn't keep up with all the casualties in the courtyard, and I knew our only chance was Bella. I kept pressure on her wound while she tried to fight off James. I think she hit him a good two, three times, before James just unleashed all his gun power. That was when Bella took a chance and just started firing back, out in the open. She hit him most of the time, but none of them were enough to take him down. That was when SWAT stormed the scene. Bella passed out from blood loss, and I accompanied her to the hospital."

"Had you noticed James before the shooting began?" Young asked.

"No."

"We haven't gotten a chance to find any of the other victims for questioning yet, have you got any information on those?"

"Uh, yeah. There were eight wounded total - plus James and Bella. Two died on site, the rest were able to stop the bleeding, and are either in surgery or being stitched up now. You'll have to talk to my boss for more information on them, though, Detective." I wondered if any of those shot were because of my bullets. Would there be another death on my conscience? Or was that all James?

"Certainly," he replied respectively. "Thank you for your time, Dr. Cullen, Ms. Black. We'll take our leave now. I hope you get better soon." He looked me dead in the eye, saying more with his eyes than he said with his words. I felt gratitude come from him, and I didn't understand it, nor did I want it. I averted my eyes downward, staring intently at my still slightly bloody palms. There was dry blood under my nails, and between my finger as well. I would need another dose of my anti-depressant/anxiety meds soon, but I'd have to ask the hospital staff; my family still didn't know I took anything for depression.

Detectives Young and Hall left quietly, and Emmett and Demetri accosted the unsuspecting Dr. Cullen, trying desperately to get more information, I assumed. I turned to the remaining group, hoping to tune out the conversation happening on my other side. I didn't want to think about it anymore; I couldn't stand the sense of responsibility I felt from the topic.

"Can one of you take care of Chelsea tonight for me?" I asked the group as a whole. I didn't want to single any one person out for the job. They could volunteer if they wanted, but I didn't expect it of them. Chelsea could make it through one night alone just fine, and I could clean up the mess, if any, when I got home tomorrow. It was no big deal; she had enough food and water to last her the day, and possibly morning.

"Of course, Sweetheart. I'll stop by on my way home, since it's along the way."

"Thanks, Mom."

"Oh, think nothing of it. I'm just glad you're okay." She pushed Phil back a bit so she could move closer to me, and leaned down, giving me a kiss on my forehead. I could feel the desperate love radiating out of her in waves. The guilt built a little more for making her worry in any way. I hated to see my mother sad, and this definitely wasn't the first time I'd been the cause of it. Probably wouldn't be the last either, unfortunately.

"So, Dr. Cullen," Aro suddenly said. "What's Bella's estimated recovery time?"

I looked at him curiously, also wanting to know how quickly I could return to work.

"Well, the bullet didn't do too much damage luckily. In 3-4 weeks the wound should be completely healed. Depending on how it feels then, you may or may not need physical therapy to rebuild some muscles in that shoulder. I'll be putting you in a sling for the next three weeks at minimum. I'd say you could go back to work, as long as your workload is light, in about a month, maybe six weeks."

I groaned, but decided I wouldn't complain - it could have been worse. I could manage four to six weeks. It wouldn't be easy, but I'd do it. I really didn't have a choice; Aro heard the words come straight from the doctor, and he was a stickler for following doctor's orders. He wouldn't let me step foot inside the office, I was sure of it.

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," Aro said seriously.

"It's not a problem," Dr. Cullen replied vehemently. He turned to look at me, his eyes piercing straight into my soul. "I owe her my life."

His statement made me extremely uncomfortable. As far as I was concerned we were even. He didn't owe me anymore, or at all. I hated that he felt indebted to me, for the simple fact that I didn't need that kind of shit on my conscience. Today proved, yet again, just how short life was, and how quickly it could end. Another person added onto the list I already had of people who have taken care of me, helped me, saved me, done anything for me, was too big as it was. My unfinished business was to get justice for Jake's death. I didn't want to feel like I owed other people for anything. And at this rate, I'd never get to see Jake in the after-life with all these debts stacking up against me.

"Well," he continued, after the silence in the room dragged. "I'm going to go back to the ER. I'll be back to check on you later tonight, Bella. Have a good day guys." Emmett patted him on the back as he walked past, and my Dad and Phil each shook his hand.

Once Dr. Cullen had left the room, shutting the door behind him, my Mom spoke up, "I think we should let Bella get her rest. Make sure you rest, Sweetheart. Love you." She gave me a light hug and kissed me on the cheek, before grabbing Phil and roughly dragging him behind her. Everybody except Alice called out their goodbyes, and filed out of the room.

Alice was the last one in the line and she just looked so despondent. I couldn't let her leave like that.

"Hey, Alice?" She turned to look at me with confusion. I waved her back over to me, telling her to close the door and sit by me. She sat gingerly on the edge of my bed, looking down at her fidgeting hands. "What's wrong?" I asked in almost a whisper.

"Nothing."

"Don't give me that shit. Tell me what's going on."

She sat in silence for a very long minute or two, her jaw clenching and unclenching, when a tear slipped down her cheek I pleaded, "Alice, please tell me what's wrong."

She turned her head in my direction, but not looking up at me. She was so quiet as she spoke, I barely understood what she said. "When Charlie called us, I thought for sure we'd be burying you soon. All he knew was that you'd been shot, and that you had lost a lot of blood." Tears flowed freely down her crestfallen face, and she looked me square in the eye. "I thought we'd lost you for good. I was so scared."

"I'm sorry," I whispered in regret. Regret for putting her through such an ordeal, no matter that it was out of my control.

"I don't have any siblings, and you're the closest thing I've ever had to it. And, ever since Jake died…" She shook her head grimly. "You've been practically nonexistent. It was like you died that day, too. Today, I thought you wouldn't make it… that you would just give up." She suddenly sobbed. "I don't know what I would do without you, Bella."

With my good hand, I grabbed her hand and pulled her to me roughly, wrapping my arm around her as tightly as I could. I cried with her, and just let the guilt pile on some more, allowing every single hurtful word slice me deeper and deeper. I would take it, and not complain. I deserved every fucking one.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I chanted, breaking it up every now and then to press a kiss into her hair while she cried it out.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**3:15 PM**

After Alice had calmed, and we talked a little more, I asked her to have someone take the Ninja home and to bring me a change of clothes for tomorrow when I got released. The clothes I wore today were bloodied, and cut up, and hopefully in the trash somewhere. I didn't want to keep the shirts at all. They would be reminders of how fucking lucky I was that I had on a bulletproof vest earlier. If I hadn't…that first shot I took would have killed me on the spot. The two holes in my tank top and button up flannel shirt were physical proof of how close to death I was, never mind the hole in my shoulder.

When I got back to work I'd have to be fitted for another vest. The one I had been wearing for the past two-plus years would have to be trashed. It had fulfilled its purpose. I'm sure either the Phoenix police, or Aro had it in their hands right now. They would be able to see how close that fucker James had been to killing me.

I was just glad that Elizabeth wasn't anywhere near me at that time. I couldn't even think of the idea that she could have died today, all because of my charge's actions.

I realized then that I didn't know the fate of James. Had he died? If so, was it the result of one of my bullets, or SWAT's? I wasn't sure how I would feel about it if I was the one to have delivered the killing shot. Or even if I _wasn't_ the one to have killed him. Would I be angry that I was responsible, or thrilled? Would I be pissed that I _hadn't_ killed him, or would I be overjoyed? Until I knew what happened to him, I wouldn't know the answers. I was glad Forensics would be able to tell whose bullet was the one to deal the final blow; I wouldn't have to wonder the rest of my life if that was the case.

Deciding to push all thoughts away I turned on the flat screen hanging from the wall. I flipped past all the ridiculous reality shows, freezing for a couple seconds on some of the old TV classics, but what stopped me was the CNN news channel.

A picture of me and James at one of his premieres was displayed on the screen. I hurried to turn the volume up louder, hoping to catch what the lady was saying a little clearer.

"Tragedy strikes the city of Phoenix, AZ, today where international celebrity James Turner and his probation officer, Isabella Black, who is in the picture you see with James at one of his movie premieres, engaged in a gunfight. Authorities are keeping quiet on the details about the shooting, but said that the shooting began when he was caught breaking the terms of his parole. No word as of yet, as to what he did to break the law, or what started the shooting. Several innocent people were injured, and any deaths, or serious wounds sustained, are still unknown."

A picture of the Westgate City Center took the place of the photo of James and I, before flashing back to the premiere picture.

"We were told by authorities that James Turner died on site. No word on the condition of Isabella Black. Mixed emotions about today's events are shown by fans as emails, blogs, tweets, and more, pour in from every corner of the world with their thoughts about what occurred on this sad day. Without any details about what really happened all we can do is speculate. This is Gloria Borger, and you're watching CNN."

I sighed in frustration, running my hand up and down my face roughly. This wasn't fucking good. I'd forgotten that he was a huge celebrity. Though, I don't know how. I was certain that there would be paparazzi surrounding every hospital in this city until I emerged from one of them. They were sure to be foaming at the mouths right about now for any kind of information on what happened, and I'd be right smack in the middle of the maelstrom of a disaster. I was the only one who knew the entire story, and I'm sure they'd pay top dollar for a sentence from me.

There was only one good thing about the news clip I'd just seen; I knew without a doubt that James was dead, and I didn't even have to ask anybody. Now the only thing I needed to know was whose bullet killed him.

**7:10 PM**

A few hours of boring TV shows later, Dr. Cullen knocked on my door, and poking his head around. He still looked exactly the same as he did earlier - not a single hair or button out of place.

He smiled crookedly, and asked, "How are you feeling, Bella?"

I nodded. "I'm fine."

"Any pain?"

"No, a nurse came in about an hour ago to give me more meds," I explained. I'd also asked for some anti-depressants that I was due to take.

"Oh, good!"

"Yeah," I said, dragging out the word.

He took a seat in the chair next to my bed, reclining backwards and crossing his legs. He tapped his fingers on the arms of the chair to a beat only he could hear. It was so damn _annoying_.

"Is there anything you need, Dr. Cullen?" I tried to keep my growing temper from coming through as I spoke; his apparent comfort in just coming into my room and sitting like he was here for the long haul, and the incessant tapping of his finger was grating on my nerves. I just wanted to be alone.

"Hmm," he hummed somewhat distractedly, like I had just taken him from a deep thought. "Oh! Just taking my break and figured I'd come see you. You know, to check up on you."

"Uh huh…"

"You got quite the gathering going on outside, you know."

"Great," I replied sarcastically. "That's just what I knew would happen. Only I thought I had a little more time before they showed up."

"They've already accosted a couple of doctors hoping to get any information on you, or any of the other victims. Don't worry though, all the staff knows to keep their mouths shut. So you should be safe."

"No." I shook my head. "You're crazy if you think they are going to leave until I either emerge from one of the hospitals, or somebody offers up information on my death. Since I'm not dead, it'll be the former. And they know what I look like because I've been seen at more than a few premiers with James. I'll just have to call someone in my family and tell them to get my hat and sunglasses for me."

He hummed thoughtfully, tapping his fingers furiously.

"Is that all, Dr. Cullen?" I snapped, irrationally angry with his presence.

"Please, call me Edward," he replied, dodging my question.

"Was there anything else you needed, Dr. Cullen?" I spoke slowly, as if talking to a foreigner just learning English. If he couldn't answer my questions I wouldn't call him Edward. And I sure as fuck didn't want to get to know him. Calling him by his first name invites friendship, and I had no more slots available.

"Nope, just thought I'd keep you company."

I sighed, and counted backward from a hundred, till my anger subsided. I didn't reply to him in any way, instead I turned back to the TV to watch the rest of Spongebob.

Dr. Cullen's presence was loud in the tiny room, although he was quiet, so I turned the volume up on the TV. It was rude, but I didn't care; I was hoping it would chase him away.

As I watched Spongebob, as loud as I dared, I could feel Dr. Edward Cullen's aura of happiness permeating the room. I could _feel_ that, whether I liked it or not, he'd be around me more than just today and tomorrow.

It pissed me off, and scared the shit out of me.

* * *

Chapter End Notes:

*Sigh* I love Spongebob...

And so it begins! *Evil laugh* Poor Bella. Poor Edward. Who do you sympathize with more at the moment, as far as future outlooks go?

One of the questions I was asked was; "Will she ever find out who was responsible for the fire…" My answer is unequivocally YES! She _will_ find out. It definitely won't be for a while, though. I'm sure at least a few of you were wondering the same thing, and I hope that'll suffice as an answer for now. Up until I was writing chapter 9 the actual person responsible for the deaths of Jake and Baby was up in the air. Now it's decided who it was and why.

I decided that if I got enough response I would write a special Edward POV chapter about the last 3yrs of his life. I won't write it unless there's enough interest in it. Let me know by saying "Yes, Edward!" (in the sexiest way you can come up with. If that's what you're into) or "No, Edward" if you just want to stick with Bella POV and are totally opposed to EPOV! :)

M.


	11. Chapter 11 What Edward Thinks

Author's Chapter Notes:

OCD-ward! Yet another dysfunctional point of view, hope you like his control freak mind. ;-) Meh, he's not so bad really. I should have been studying for midterms instead of writing this, but whatever! You don't care, and I don't care, so it's all good. JSYK, there are more details in Dr. E. Cullen's POV than there are in Bella's because he's more "here" than she is. He's not a dead person walking. SO! I hope you like the view from the outside. Also, I noticed that I royally screwed up the shootout in EPOV after I had already pretty much finished writing this chapter. What I wrote in this chapter is slightly, and in some parts dramatically, different than it was in the statement he gave in the last chapter. I claim insanity on my part.

Disclaimer: I am not the best selling author Stephenie Meyer, I am only one of the many thousands who play with the characters she created. I'm just more cruel than most. I only own my own tiny, little marketing company, the clothes on my back, and the plot to this story… nothing else.

I know next to nothing about how medical procedures go, so everything like it in this chapter is plain conjecture, and creative license on my part.

Tima83 is obviously Super Woman, and makes sure this is presentable for all of you, and 8 times out of 10 (that's an actual statistic based upon my own experiences.) gets these beta'd while I'm still sleeping and has them posted for you by the AM.

* * *

Chapter 11 - What Edward Thinks About All That Blood Loss

**EPOV**

I had managed to snag a table in the Waterdance Plaza (a rarity during lunch hour) to eat my meal before I had to go to the hospital. I nibbled on my fries, searching the sea of people for anybody I might recognize.

My sight fell upon on a woman sitting on the ledge of the fountain, scanning the crowd. As she watched the people around her, so filled with life, the contrast in her was startling. Her eyes were emotionless, lifeless. She was here in body, but not really in spirit. Something had sucked her dry, and I inexplicably wanted to know why. I wanted to know why this beautiful woman, the most beautiful I had ever seen, seemed like she was already dead.

I watched her inspect the people around for a while. I barely ate the burger in my hands; I was too interested in trying to figure her out. I wanted to know why she chose to dye her hair blond because it obviously wasn't natural. Why she wore a long sleeved shirt in this heat. What kind of job did she have that required her to carry a gun? What was her natural hair color? What was her name? Would her smile be just as beautiful as I thought it would be, or would it be better? What color were her eyes? Was she intelligent like I thought she might be?

Something made her do a double-take, and a split second later she was jumping to her feet, the food in her lap flying away from her.

"James!" she screamed above the sound of multiple people talking at once. I loved the sound of her voice already, but I wondered who this James guy was. Could he be a boyfriend?

I followed her line of sight to a tall, blond man wearing a leather jacket. He looked afraid for a moment before they turned to a cold kind of sinister. Definitely not a boyfriend. What could be the reason for his fear of her?

I didn't have long to think about it before I saw him pull a gun from his jacket. He aimed right for her, pulling the trigger. As resounding _bang!_ rang out through the courtyard, and instinctively I ducked away in self-preservation.

People screamed, rushing in every direction like a swarm of angry bees, but I stayed still. It didn't take me long to spot her through the crowd. It seemed there were only three people standing still; that James guy, her, and me.

She didn't seem scared at all as she yelled words I could not hear into her cell phone. For a moment I wondered why she wasn't fearful for her life. Didn't it mean anything to her?

Mentally I calculated how long it might take for police and ambulances to arrive, and I realized things weren't in the public's favor. This guy would be trapped here with_ her_, people would get very seriously injured in the process, and I knew that I couldn't leave either. I had to help anybody I could; it was my duty as a doctor. Also, I couldn't leave _her_, and I didn't know why. Already I felt attached to her. There was something pulling me to her, telling me to help her, and that she needed me.

She peered out from the trash can she was hiding behind, gun at the ready, and flinched back behind cover as a bullet bounced off the metal, causing sparks to fly in every which way. I didn't understand how she wasn't frozen in fear. I was. I hadn't moved from my table yet, my burger still in my hands. I hadn't ever been around so much chaos where everything around me was completely out of my control. I didn't like it in the least. It was debilitating for me.

I wanted to rush to her, to stand in front of her and take anything that came to harm her. But I couldn't, I was still frozen.

Bravely, she stood tall from her crouch, shooting her gun expertly. It recoiled violently in her hand, but she didn't waver. James shot back two times, missing her barely. What broke me from my body's prison was the scream following the two gunshots from James. I could do something now; I knew how to help somebody shot. I could feel control in that.

I sprinted to a man who'd fallen to the ground. I ran in a crouch, already prepping the medical bag around my shoulders so I could help the guy quicker.

The lady with him had her hands fluttering over his body, not sure what to do.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Cullen," I said to both the sobbing lady and wheezing man.

"Please help my husband!" the woman begged me. I nodded, even though I knew already that there wasn't much I could do for him. He was critically wounded, and I only had so many supplies on hand. Other medical help wouldn't be here for at least twenty minutes, but that was at best. This man didn't have that much time.

When another person dropped, I ordered the guys wife to keep pressure on his wound. I tried to keep the emotion out of my eyes, the one that would tell her there was no hope for her husband.

I rushed to across the way with my medical bag, already assessing the teenager laying on the ground before I reached him. He was lucky he only had a graze.

I passed him a handful of gauze, and ordered him to put pressure on it before moving on to the third victim. But then four more people dropped, cries of agony bursting from them. I tried to figure out who was in the worst condition as quickly as I could so I could help that person first.

Thinking through the necessary steps to take care of these hurt people was difficult with bullets flying everywhere. I did my best to tune it out, to not seize up, but everything was happening in hyper speed it seemed. It was like people were dropping like flies. I had no problems in the ER with bus loads of people being shuffled in, but here, it was just me. In the ER there was order to the chaos; I knew when another patient would be brought in. Here, in this crowded City Center with thousands of people trying to escape unharmed, was more than I could handle.

Twenty feet from the seventh victim and I, an eighth person fell from a stray bullet. I watched as the blood splattered out from her body as the bullet entered her femoral artery, and she collapsed, gripping her leg in her hands. Her eyes were as big as saucers, and already she was pale from shock. She didn't make a sound, but her mouth was opened in a silent scream.

I started ripping my belt from my pants as I ran towards her. I didn't waste anytime moving her hands out of my way, and tightening the leather strap inches above her wound. I pulled it as tight as I could, looking her in the eye and just seeing the fear swimming in her young features.

A tear slipped from the corner of my eye, knowing she wouldn't make it.

"Lay back." Slowly she rested against the cold concrete, never breaking eye contact with me. "Tell me your name?" I asked, hoping to keep her mind off her injury.

"Claire," she whispered weakly.

"Hi, Claire. I'm Edward. Where do you go to school?"

"Desert Vista High."

"Yeah? I hear that's a great school. What's your favorite class?"

"Science."

"Mine, too. Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?"

"A doctor," she breathed. She was quickly getting weaker, her eyelids drooping further and further by the second as she bled out onto my hands. Her lips were tinting blue, and I knew she didn't have much time left, but I forged on; I wanted to take as much fear from her in her last moments as I could. Her already cooling body shook with tremors, and I wondered if she even noticed.

"Do you have any pets?"

"A bird named Benny." Claire chuckled lightly. "He always talks, especially at night. Drives me nuts."

I was in the middle of asking my next question when her eyes rolled back into her head. She let out one last breath, almost in a sigh of relief, and that one, tiny sound seemed so loud. It was the only thing I heard; I could no longer hear the sounds of gunshots, could no longer hear people screaming. I just stared at this little girl, wondering why she was chosen to die today.

My hands didn't relax from their positions over the thigh wound and the end of my belt. I _couldn't_ move. I just took in every last detail of her I could. She had ran her bloody hands through her hair, and streaks of red matted her long blond locks. Her lips were parted just barely, and I could see the tiniest amount of her white, straight teeth.

Claire looked so peaceful, despite the brutal way she was murdered. I wondered if I would have ever gotten to work with her in a hospital had she had the chance to live to see the day. I wondered why she was all alone now. Was there nobody here with her? Did they just leave her to fend for herself? I was so damn angry that she had nobody who loved her with her in her last moments. It wasn't fair that this young girl had to die alone. She couldn't have been more than seventeen. So much potential in her… _wasted_.

The sound of running coming in my direction broke me from my self induced prison. The gunman bolted past me, heading for the other side of the City Center. A second pair of footsteps followed him. The woman barely spared me a passing glance as my eyes widened in horror at her blood soaked shirt. She held her injured arm tightly to her body, and not even noticing how the badge around her neck swung around, bouncing off her wounded arm.

I took one last look at Claire before I ran after the only person available to stop this guy at the moment. She needed me, especially with how much blood I saw. Who knew what would happen if she died. Help still wasn't here and the guy responsible for at least two deaths was still alive. I hoped she killed him, and ensured that he could never get away from his punishment.

I stopped at the edge of the Fountain Park that lays in front of the AMC theatre. Water burst from the ground in patterns, blocking my sight periodically as I searched the empty area for the guy and blond haired beauty. I spotted her hidden behind one of the palm trees, shaking her head as if to clear it. That was a sign of too much blood loss.

The fountain stopped spouting water vertically into the air, and I quickly made my way towards her. I flung the bag over my head as I slid on my knees next to her.

"I'm Dr. Cullen," I explained, trying to remove the scissors from its designated spot.

I was about to place the gauze on her shoulder after cutting her long sleeved shirt off, when she said, "Wait."

She looked around the tree trunk cautiously before using her good arm to shoot. From my angle I couldn't see whether or not she'd shot him, but the whispered, "fuck," gave me a good idea. I didn't spare a second, pressing the sterile gauze to the wound as she relaxed back against the tree. This particular gauze had special medicines in it to help stop bleeding, and it never felt good. "Do you always come this prepared?"

"Always," I replied truthfully. I never left my place without it, which was lucky due to the events of today. "What about you? Do you always carry a gun around and wear a bullet proof vest?"

"Most of the time. Never needed them before really." _Interesting…_

"What's this guy's deal anyways?" That was the real question here.

"I caught him making a drug deal." I accidentally pressed harder on her shoulder, making her verbalize her pain. She panted, "He's one of my parolees, and well, they don't take too kindly to being caught dealing. So here we are."

Not two feet from us a bullet bounced off the concrete, and we flinched reflexively. She, who I still didn't have a name for, shot back aggressively till her gun clicked uselessly. She cursed harshly, and dropped the clip from her tiny gun, slamming another one into it. I noticed that this one was smaller than the one I saw her with earlier, and wondered where it came from. I'd only seen one gun on her before.

"This is all the bullets I have left, and I don't know how long I'll be able to stay focused." She stared me down in a way that was almost begging, asking, "You know how to shoot a gun?"

"Yes." I had shot a gun only a handful of times in my life, but it was enough to know how to aim and pull the trigger.

"Good. There's only 12 rounds left. We gotta make 'em count."

"How many times have you hit him, and where?" I asked, thinking I might be able to surmise how much blood loss he might be having.

"Three. Twice to the arm, but one was only a graze. The last one hit him in the thigh."

"Well let's hope you hit an artery."

She poked her head around again, whipping her pistol into position quicker than I'd ever seen.

_BANG! BANG!_

_…BANG! BANG! BANG!_

When a bullet bounced off the ground inches away from my leg I scurried towards my blond haired beauty, ducking my head, but I made sure to keep the pressure steady on her shoulder.

I noticed her chest started to rise and fall a lot less suddenly, and her eyes became unfocused more than they had been in the last few minutes.

"Where's that fucking backup?" she asked desperately, weakened by all the lost blood.

I had to get her to focus again, to stay conscious. "Hey! Stay with me," I yelled, hoping to startle her mind back into working order. It would have been nice to know her name, but I didn't have it, nor the time to get it. "You gotta finish this!"

She nodded with a small, weak motion, squinting to see as if things were no longer clear to her.

James open fired in our direction, bullets flailing off the trunk of the palm tree, and she stood as if she had all the strength and courage in the world, firing back at him. But her shots were spaced fairly far apart, like she couldn't get her mind to control her finger as fast as she needed it to.

SWAT stormed the area, screaming commands at James to drop his weapon. When he didn't respond right away, still shooting at the parole officer, they all unloaded their own weapons on him.

That was when she collapsed in heap. I barely caught her before her head slammed on the cold, hard ground.

"BELLA!"

I looked to the source of that voice; a dark haired man in Phoenix Police gear ran towards us, looking worriedly at the woman in my arms. Looking back at her I noticed her eyes drooping suddenly.

"NO! STAY WITH ME!" I screamed, but I couldn't tell if she heard me before she blacked out. "Come on!" I laid her down and checked her vitals. Her pulse was extremely weak, but it was there. She was barely breathing enough, and I knew she didn't have much time left before it would be too late to save her.

I couldn't let that happen. Not to her.

"I need a bus!" Frantically I searched for a paramedic, but found none.

The man who was running towards me earlier finally made it, and he asked, "What's wrong with my daughter?"

"She was shot, and is losing too much blood. Please, radio in paramedics."

He didn't move to do as I asked, he just stared at the dying woman in my arms with glistening eyes. "Hey! Call in paramedics!"

"Right, right." He hesitated for only a moment before he talked calmly into his radio. While he was doing that I put fresh gauze on her shoulder, taping it down sloppily.

"Help me carry her," I demanded. I didn't want to just sit around while we waited for help to come, it would be better for us to meet them in the middle.

He immediately scooped up her legs, me supporting her torso, and together we ran awkwardly in the direction the ambulance would be.

"What's her name?"

"Bella. Bella Black."

I nodded, glad to finally be able to put a name to her. The name seemed so fitting for her. I knew from the little Italian that I knew that bella meant beautiful, and she was stunning. Oddly her last name fit, too. Black could describe the obvious sadness that surrounded her, and yet again I wondered what made her that way. What happened that was big enough to make her a walking dead person? A black void of a person who I was sure had to have been a hot, white light of happiness at some point.

We reached the paramedics, and immediately they started taking over, but there was no way I was letting that happen.

"I'm Dr. Cullen. I'll be riding with you to the hospital, lets go!"

They nodded their consent, sparks of annoyance flashing in their eyes.

"I'll follow the bus," said Bella's father. I didn't respond, instead I just shut the doors to the ambulance telling the driver to punch it.

"Do you have blood on hand," I asked as I set up an IV. The EMT who was changing Bella's gauze nodded to a cabinet off to the side, and I quickly opened it, spotting exactly what I was looking for. Together we worked to stop the bleeding and get more blood into her body.

About half way to the hospital Bella - as I was working on removing the bulletproof vest and white tank top underneath - moaned softly, her eyes fluttering open and locking on mine. I paused mid-action, "Hang in there, Bella!"

She was only conscious for a few seconds after that, and when she blacked out again I went back to my task. Carefully the EMT and I pulled the vest over her head and out from beneath her. A smashed copper bullet fell to the floor of the ambulance. I picked it up and tried to find the place it hit on the vest. I was shocked to see that there was an indent exactly where Bella's heart would be.

As I was in stunned silence, looking at the vest in awe, the EMT was cutting her tank top off. Turning back to Bella I did a double take. A large scar on her abdomen screamed loudly for attention. As a doctor I could take an educated guess at what was the cause, but there was many things it could possibly be. I wondered what the reason for the scar was, a lot more than I should want to.

I pushed those thoughts aside, focusing back on what needed to be done before we reached the hospital. We bagged her shirts separately from the vest, not knowing if it would be needed for any kind of investigation or not.

I grabbed her wrist, turning her hand palm up, and removed the three watches there. With each watch that came off more scars were revealed. Scars like speed bumps trailed down her pale arm. I counted five white lines on her left wrist, and switched to the next. Underneath her leather wrist cuff and the leather bracelet was four more scars. I dropped the accessories in the bag with her clothes.

Now I knew why she wore a long sleeved shirt. My heart clenched with the thought of her harming herself, and once again wondered what made her so depressed. There were no pink or red scars, which meant she hadn't self-harmed in quite a while.

But what would possess her to do it in the first place?

The ambulance came to a screeching halt, the back doors wrenched open just as I tucked a white sheet over her torso, leaving her shoulders exposed. I noticed Bella was waking again and I leaned over the gurney saying, "Stay awake, Bella. I need you to stay awake." Slowly she nodded her head.

Periodically I would remind her to stay awake as I commanded my ER team to get supplies while we wheeled her into a trauma room. Finally in a room where we could actually due some work, we transferred her from the gurney, making sure everything was still connected correctly. I yanked my suit jacket off, not caring where it landed as I ordered another bag of blood and medicines.

Dr. Marcus Valentine, the man who ran this ER, came into the trauma room, ready to take over. "Dr. Cullen, go get checked."

"No, I'm fine," I dismissed. "I didn't get hurt in anyway."

"But your knees-" He pointed at my knees, and I looked down noticing for the first time the blood that was soaked there. I wriggled my legs experimentally and hiding the wince of pain I felt. I'd clean it up later, there was no way I was letting anybody else care for Bella.

"I said I'm_ fine_!" I'd probably get reprimanded later for my outburst, but right now I couldn't care. "I'm going to see this through. I owe her that much." _And more. _

I turned and smiled warmly at Bella, forgetting all about Dr. Valentine. "You got lucky, Bella. You won't need surgery to remove the bullet. As soon as the nurse comes back with everything I need I'll remove it, and stitch you up. In the meantime stay conscious for me."

"Kay," she whispered.

"I'm going to ask you some questions to help you stay awake, okay?" It would give me the chance to learn more about her while keeping her from passing out on me. But mostly it was my curiosity. When she nodded I continued. "What's your full name, Bella?"

"Isabella Marie Black."

"How old are you?"

"29."

"What's the name of the man in the gun fight?"

"James Turner." One of the nurses gasped, but I paid her no mind, happy to know that I was correct in my assumption about his first name.

"What do you do for a living?"

"Federal Probations." I hadn't known there even was a federal branch to probations.

"Have you ever had to use you gun before?"

"No." _Well, that's a relief._

"Here you go, Dr. Cullen," my nurse said.

I thanked her briefly, turning my attention back to Bella. Anticipating my needs, a nurse had a yellow gown already ready for me, and we slipped it on along with a pair of gloves. "Okay, Bella, here we go." I picked up a pair of forceps, carefully pinching the bullet lodged in her shoulder, but still she cried out in pain. She began to bleed steadily again, and I yelled for another shot of morphine for her as I tried to grasp the slippery metal once more. "It'll be over soon, I promise." I knew she had to be in a lot of pain, and often times people pass out from it. "But I need you to try to stay awake even though it hurts, okay?"

Her head bobbed up and down quickly. She didn't make another sound as I tried to remove the bullet.

"It's out!" I smiled at her, but she didn't see. The metal clanked in the tin bowl as I dropped it in. "I'm going to stitch you up now."

"Okay."

Since the nurses were no longer needed they left, and I closed the door behind them. Looking back at Bella I smiled tightly. "I wanted to thank you for all you did at Westgate. You saved a lot of lives."

She shook her head forcefully. "No. No. If I hadn't have been there none of that would have happened. Others were shot in the process, and I'm sure at least one of those bullets I shot hit some innocent person. I don't know how many got hurt, or how many died. James was my responsibility, and I failed."

"Well," I paused. "I don't see it that way."

"Then tell me how you see it," she snapped, seemingly defensive.

"Life is a game of chance. How were you to know that he had a gun, that there was a drug deal going on? What if you would have known those things, would you have stayed away? Or would you have done your duty as law enforcement? The way I see it, it was bound to happen at some point. You just did what you had to do. If you hadn't thought as quick as you had, there could have been more injuries. Do you get it?" I hoped she got it.

"No. It sounds ridiculous."

She was a stubborn woman, that's for sure. I found it endearing, so I laughed a little. "Okay then."

While we had been talking I worked on stitching her up, and I was happy that our little conversation distracted her enough that she didn't even notice me working until I knotted the last stitch. I smiled widely, "All done. Should heal up nicely, leaving a very little scar."

"Thanks, Dr. Cullen."

My smile dropped a bit. "Think nothing of it." I shrugged off her comment. "It's the least I could do for you. You're a hero."

"No I'm not. I wouldn't have even made it out if it wasn't for you helping to stop the bleeding. I owe you for that, by the way." The way her eyes flickered told me there was more that she wasn't saying.

"I was just doing my job. Just like you. I figured I'd be more helpful by helping you with your bleeding while you stopped that James guy. Who knows what would have happened if he would have killed you?" _It would have taken away my chance to get to know this odd woman._ "He could have ran back to the crowd and just started shooting."

"I guess."

I could tell there was no convincing her, so I moved on realizing she must have been cold. "Oh! How would you like to have a gown to warm you up?"

"Sounds great."

I opened what seemed like every cabinet in the room before finding what I was looking for. "Ah ha! Found it!" I smiled triumphantly, pulling the fabric over her, careful of her IV and barely bleeding wound.

As I sat back one of my questions from earlier nagged at me, but I was reluctant to ask it. I decided it couldn't hurt. "Do you mind me asking what that scar is on your stomach?" I had actually wanted to ask her about the scars on her wrist, but changed my mind at the last second.

She gasped sharply, her face paling.

"Uh…"

"Forget I asked." _Stupid question anyways._ "It's not my business."

"Okay," she said breathily, gratefully. "What's your name?"

"Dr. Cullen," I answered automatically.

"No, I mean your first name."

I had managed to fluster myself. "Oh, yeah. Sorry, force of habit here. My name's Edward."

"Edward," she repeated, making my heart flutter strangely. I liked hearing her say my name. "Old name. You don't hear that tossed around very much anymore."

I hated it, actually. "Yeah, my parents are like that. They wanted to name me something that was unique for the times, but a classic. Edward it was."

"It suits you," she spoke softly.

"Thank you." I couldn't help but smile. I got caught in her chocolate eyes, wondering what it'd be like to kiss her. But then I remembered that she was a patient, and that I didn't know anything about her. "Well… I'm going to go get cleaned up and let the nurses know that you can be transferred to another room. I want you to stay over night so we can keep an eye on you." _And so I can see you again._

"Alright."

"See ya, Bella." I stood to leave, desperately trying not to look back at her.

"See ya."

Outside her room I rested against the wall, breathing deeply, hoping to calm myself down.

"You want to tell me what that was in there, Dr. Cullen?" Dr. Valentine asked harshly.

I hung my head in annoyance. "I just had to see this through, I'm sorry."

"It better not happen again, you hear me?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Her father's in the waiting room. I suggest you get cleaned up and taken care of before speaking to him."

"Yes, sir."

I was in the locker room changing into a fresh suit when I overheard a couple of the male nurses talking.

"Did you hear about that shooting?"

"Yeah! The officer involved just got transferred to a private suite."

"No way!"

"Yeah, and the gunman was _James Turner_!"

"Ah, man… I heard he was on probation. Too bad he got caught up in shit, he's a great actor."

"Yep, no more movies for him. I overheard one of the EMT's speaking, he said he was DOA."

I'd heard enough, so I slammed my locker shut causing the two gossiping men to shut up immediately. "You two better keep your mouth shut about this case, do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," they replied nervously.

"Great!" I smiled. "Wouldn't want you to lose your jobs because you couldn't keep your mouth shut, now would we?"

"No, sir."

There was no doubt in my mind that there would be press all over this. Now the nurse's reaction to Bella's words made sense. A famous actor was just killed, and all because he was an idiot.

I walked briskly to the waiting room so I could speak to Bella's dad, but when I got there he was nowhere to be found.

"Do you know where Bella Black's father is?" I asked the receptionist.

"Yes, Dr. Cullen. He and a bunch of other people just went to her new room." _How many is a "bunch"?_

"Thank you."

I started in the direction I needed to go, but was stopped. "Dr. Cullen!" a man yelled.

I spun around, shoving my hands into my pants pockets, seeing two men in cheap suits moving towards me. "Can I help you?"

"We're the detectives assigned to the shooting. We just needed to get yours and Isabella Black's statements. Would you mind showing us to her room?"

"Certainly. What are your names?"

"I'm Garrett Young, and this is my partner Peter Hall." Garrett was much shorter than Peter, possibly only five foot six. His hair was dark, and cut into a respective length, styled neatly. His partner was just the opposite, with shaggy blond hair. He looked like a teenager. I couldn't believe that this guy was a detective.

Once introductions were made I led them in the direction of Bella's room. The closer we got, the louder the voices seemed. We couldn't hear what was being said, but it was loud enough that you could tell that whoever was in there was speaking quite loudly.

I knocked on the door, and verbalized the sound as I stuck my head in the doorway. I smiled widely at everybody, loving the energy that was permeating the room.

"How's everybody doing?" I questioned, stepping just inside the room and propping the door open with my foot.

"Good," they said in sync. There must have been about ten people crammed around the small space.

"Do you guys think we could manage to squeeze in a few more people?" I hated having to ask. Bella was probably tired as it was, and adding three more people to the mix would probably stress her out.

Like earlier, they all said, "Yeah!" They seemed excited to welcome more people in. I could tell they were a group of people who loved each other deeply.

"Okay." I opened the door wider, silently inviting the detectives in. "This is Detective Garrett Young, and his partner Detective Peter Hall." I pointed to the men respectively as I introduced them. "They need our statements for the shootout, Bella."

She groaned and rolled her eyes. "Alright. Let's get it over with, shall we?"

The largest man in the room with giant muscles, curly brown hair, and a dimpled smile, turned to a shorter, leaner blond man and whispered, "Yes! I can't wait to hear how it all went down." The littler man nodded vigorously. I smirked at their ridiculousness.

There was something about the big, burly man that seemed familiar; like I'd seen him somewhere before.

"What do you guys want to know?" she questioned in a bored tone. I moved to stand by her to make this process a little easier.

Detective Hall, teenager that he was, clicked his pen so he could take notes, and tried to look smarter than he was. "Bella, what do you know about James Turner?"

"He is one of my parolees. He has a pretty hefty criminal record that got him kicked out of California. I haven't had any problems with him, though. He'd always came back clean on the drug tests. Not once did I find evidence that he broke parole. Well, until today. I don't know, what do you want to know about him? Be more specific."

The two detectives scribbled quickly across their notepads, trying to catch all the important things she said.

"What was he on parole for?"

"Why don't you just do your research?" Bella snapped. I had to hold back a laugh that threatened to escape. I thought it was just perfect that she inadvertently called him out for his idiocy. Although, maybe it was intentional.

Deciding to take the reigns, Detective Young stepped forward and gave Hall a pointed look that clearly said he was an idiot.

"Sorry, ma'am. Tell us about how the shootout started."

I looked over at Bella to watch her speak, but she didn't say anything for a few seconds, her brows furrowed in concentration. She looked to Hall, her eyes narrowing to slits.

"I remember you now!" Her lips pursed, and she snapped her fingers before pointing an accusing finger at Hall. "You're that rookie who tried to question me a few years ago." My mind boggled, complete confusion taking over. _Why would she have been questioned by the detectives years ago?_

"I see you haven't learned much since then," she continued. I looked to the detective quickly, hoping to catch his reaction to her words, and he certainly didn't disappoint. His face turned a slight shade of red, and he glared daggers at Bella. I thought he might spew some words back at her, but he surprised me when he pressed his lips together tightly, not making a sound.

Everybody in the room shook with silent laughter, except Detective Young, he laughed openly, but kept it to a low chuckle. I liked him even more for it.

Young brought all our attentions back to the task at hand, repeating his earlier question. Needless to say, I was in awe of the woman I stood beside. She was braver than any person I knew. Her eyes never broke contact with the detective as she recounted every detail of the day starting with the moment I had heard her yell James' name. Every once in a while I'd scan my eyes around the room to see the others expressions, and while most had the obvious facial expressions the brawny man and his sidekick, the shaggy blond, had comical reactions. You'd think they were looking at the real live Batman, or more fittingly, Wonder Woman.

"Dr. Cullen?" I heard, wrenching me from my thoughts.

"Edward, please," I requested.

"Edward then. Tell us your side of events concerning James Turner, and Ms. Black, please?"

"Certainly, Detective Young. I went to Westgate City Center for lunch before my shift here at the hospital was supposed to start. At about one o'clock, I was eating my lunch when I heard a gun shot across the plaza, not more than fifty feet from me…" I gave my side of events painstakingly, doing my best to remember everything that might be important.

"Had you noticed James before the shooting began?"

"No." _I'd noticed Bella before, but let's leave that out._

"We haven't gotten a chance to find any of the other victims for questioning yet, have got any information on those?"

"Uh, yeah," I said hesitantly. I only knew of the eight I personally saw over at Westgate. And while I was changing in the locker room, another of the doctors on staff here briefly informed me on the others. "There were eight wounded total - plus James and Bella. Two died on site, the rest were able to stop the bleeding, and are either in surgery or being stitched up now. "You'll have to talk to my boss for anymore information on them, though, Detective."

"Certainly," Young replied, clicking his pen and flipping his notebook closed. "Thank you for your time Dr. Cullen, Ms. Black. We'll take our leave now. I hope you get better soon." He looked Bella in the eye, and they shared some sort of silent communication that I couldn't decipher. I was a bit taken aback seeing out of the corner of my eye that Bella had dropped her head and began fidgeting with her hands.

The detectives had barely stepped out of the room when Mr. Dimples and Shaggy sidled up next me. Each shook my hand firmly, imploring me with their eyes. "Hey man, I just wanted to say thank you for taking care of my baby sister," said the big man.

I shook my head, hating the attention for just doing my job. "She seems like a great woman."

"That she is. Hey, I'm Emmett by the way."

I repeated his name and committed it to memory as I shook his hand again.

"I'm Demetri. I work with Bella."

"Oh! Well it's a pleasure to meet you both."

An awkward silence fell upon us, and I was at a loss as to what to say to these men.

"Hey!" Emmett suddenly exclaimed. "How'd ya like to meet up some time. Maybe get to know each other better? You seem like a great guy." Demetri nodded enthusiastically.

For a second I almost said no, but then I realized it'd give me a chance to get to know more about Bella.

"Yeah, sounds great. I'm off tomorrow, how about then?"

"Sure. Around noon? We'll have some lunch at a pub. Cool?"

"Sure."

We quickly exchanged numbers before I heard my name being called.

"So, Dr. Cullen," asked a lean man with short black hair. "What's Bella's estimated recovery time?"

"Well, the bullet didn't do too much damage, luckily. In 3-4 weeks the wound should be completely healed. Depending on how it feels then, you may or may not need physical therapy to rebuild some muscles in that shoulder. I'll be putting you in a sling for the next three weeks at minimum. I'd say you could go back to work, as long as your workload is light, in about a month, maybe six weeks."

To my right I heard a groan, making me smile.

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen."

"It's not a problem." I turned to look at Bella, loving the color of her eyes, and how deep they seemed to go. "I owe her my life."

There were a couple reasons for that. One, because she'd saved a lot of people at Westgate, me included. And two, because she - Bella - suddenly burst into my life just as I was on the verge of shutting down and closing myself off from everything. And, I no longer wanted to close off. Without knowing it, or even asking for it, she forced me to care about her, to want to see her smile. To want to be there for her any way I could be. After Tanya left, I didn't want to want to care for anybody else the way I'd cared about her. I didn't want to subject one more person to the lifestyle I led, in any way. Not as a friend, family, or lover. I had promised myself it wouldn't happen again, but she just ripped that rug right out from beneath me. But she had… and I didn't care that she made my world crumble around me, I wanted to be there for her, and I wanted to uncover whatever mysteries lay inside her soul. And I wanted to make her smile.

I just hoped she'd let me…

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

Ever since I'd left Bella's room I couldn't seem to get her off my mind. Every second a new question about what I'd like to know about her popped up, and it made focusing on my work extremely difficult. I went through the rest of the day on autopilot. I hoped that I didn't make any mistakes that would be hurtful to any of the patients I saw.

Hours after the shootout dozens of men and women lined the entranceway to the Emergency Room. When it disrupted patients and paramedics from entering we sent out orderlies to take care of things. The paparazzi moved to the side at least, but were still relentless. Each time the automatic sliding doors opened you could hear them shouting their questions. Most were inquiring about Bella.

Dr. Valentine called an emergency meeting, stating that all employees were to keep their mouths shut and not breathe a word about Bella being here, nor the status on the other victims. We had a pretty good staff, and I never got the vibe that any of them were out for gossip. And hopefully I was right.

Finally around seven in the evening I was allowed to take my break, and I grabbed a bagel from the cafeteria before hustling up to Bella's room. I was anxious to know how she was, and to learn so more about her.

I knocked quietly on her door and almost laughed at how bored she looked with her head resting on her shoulder as she watched TV. I didn't think it would be well received though.

Smiling my special smile, I asked, "How are you feeling Bella?"

Nodding she replied, "I'm fine."

"Any pain?" That was what I was worried about most; her pain.

"No, a nurse came in about an hour ago to give me more meds." I was tempted to check her chart, partly for my own curiosities and partly to make sure they were doing their jobs right up here. I refrained though. Barely.

"Oh, good!"

"Yeah," she said, dragging out the word and looking at me a bit suspiciously.

I wasn't exactly sure about what to do with myself, and I decided that I should just act casual. Her eyes never left me as I walked to the chair next to her bed. I wondered what she was thinking, making myself comfortable as possible in the piece of crap they call furniture in this place.

I wanted to ask her one of the many thousands of questions running through my mind, but I couldn't decided which one to start with. The scars on her wrist were at the forefront of my thoughts; it was about to burst from my mouth. Luckily she saved the day again because I'm sure she'd _never_ speak to me if I'd asked that question.

"Is there anything you need, Dr. Cullen," she questioned in a strained tone.

"Hmm…" She had pulled me from my inner turmoil so it took me a moment to understand what she'd asked me. "Oh! Just taking my break and figured I'd come see you. You know, to check up on you." _Poor excuse, Cullen. Please believe me!_

"Uh huh," she replied disbelievingly. Her eyes narrowed slightly, making her seem just a little less fragile lying there in bed.

"You got quite the gathering going on outside, you know." _Smart move, change the subject._

"Great. That's just what I knew would happen. Only I thought I had a little more time before they showed up." She laced her voice with heavy sarcasm, once again nearly making me laugh. I don't even think she meant to either.

"They've already accosted a couple of doctors hoping to get any information on you, or any of the other victims. Don't worry though, all the staff knows to keep their mouths shut. So you should be safe," I assured her.

She shook her head defiantly. "No. You're crazy if you think they are going to leave until I either emerge from one of the hospitals, or somebody offers up information on my death. Since I'm not dead it'll be the former. And they know what I look like because I've been seen at more than a few premiers with James." I suddenly felt a little jealous of the asshole, and I really wanted to know why she'd go to a premier with him. "I'll just have to call someone in my family and tell them to get my hat and sunglasses for me."

I didn't know if I totally agreed with her. It wasn't like she was a celebrity, and all she did today was her job. I figured they'd just get bored and leave. While I thought about it I unconsciously hummed some random tune, tapping my fingers as if I was playing the song on my piano.

"Is that all, Dr. Cullen?" Bella asked harshly. She looked a bit put out with me.

"Please, call me Edward."

She spoke her next words as if I was an uneducated imbecile, but I wouldn't be deterred; I was determined to get to know this woman. "Was there anything else you needed, Dr. Cullen?"

I sighed quietly, wishing she'd call me Edward and not Dr. Cullen. It seemed too formal to me and I'd never hated the title more than I did in that moment.

"Nope, just thought I'd keep you company."

Bella completely ignored me and turned back to the TV to watch Spongebob. I stared, probably rudely, at her just trying to memorize every detail about her. I never wanted to forget how she looked in case I didn't ever get the chance to see her again. I'd do everything in my power to make sure I_ did_ see her.

* * *

Chapter End Notes:

Next chapter we'll find out if she can outwit the pappz or not…


	12. Chapter 12 As Trouble Begins

Sorry this took so long to get out. I had a hard time writing this chapter and then FFn wouldn't let me post. So it's here finally!

I don't own Twilight, and I don't make any money off this story. It is only for my sick amusement. I do however own the plot to Disrepair.

Tima83: Greatest beta ever just because she's mine!

Chapter 12 - As trouble begins

**BPOV**

**March 17, 2010 8:22 AM **

"Good morning Bella," said a feminine voice, scaring me awake. Wasn't much of a sleep though, more like a cat nap. I'd hardly gotten any sleep at all. It was fucking freezing, the bed was too hard, and because of the goddamn tubes everywhere I couldn't flip over and sleep on my stomach like normal. Mr. Brown two doors down was a feisty fucker. Every couple of hours when the nurses would go in to check on him he'd make sure to let them know they all needed to fuck off. He was not a quiet man.

But I agreed with him. Those pesky nurses really did need to fuck off and let us patients get some damn sleep.

Groggily I peeked an eye open, glaring at the cheery nurse who so rudely upset my non-sleep.

"How's that shoulder feeling?" she asked.

"Fine."

"Do you need any pain meds?"

"Yes." I hated admitting the need, but did it anyway because she was just some measly nurse I'd never see again after today. I'd deal.

"Anything else I can get you? Breakfast will be around in the next half hour."

"I need my antidepressants." I hated having to ask for _that_ even more than the pain meds, and just hoped that they'd give it to me before any of my family showed up.

"Sure thing." She smiled, replaced my IV bag and left with finger wriggle of a wave. I just rolled my eyes.

I was flipping through the channels on the TV when I heard, "Morning Bella," in a sing-song voice.

_Alice._

"Morning," I grumbled unhappily.

"I brought you a change of clothes, and the hat and glasses you asked for. Do you know when they're gonna let you go?"

"No, not yet."

"Are you sure the hat and sunglasses are going to be enough?" she worried.

"Yep."

"Okay." Alice sat on the edge of the bed, picking at the thread with a contemplative look on her face.

"What is it Alice?"

"I was just thinking…"

"Thinking… what?" I waved my hand impatiently. I hated when she did that shit.

"I was thinking that maybe you'd move back in with us." At my incredulous look she hurried to add, "Just till you're feeling better!"

"No Alice, no!"

"Fine then… I'll just come stay with you," she said with finality. For a moment I was actually worried that I wouldn't be able to get out of it, but then I remembered that she didn't have a key to my condo, and her tricks didn't work on me anymore.

"Alice, I'll be fine. It's nothing I can't handle."

"But-"

"I said _no_ Alice!" Her face fell, immediately I felt bad for snapping at her. "I'm sorry. Just… I will be _okay_. Promise."

She searched my eyes, looking for any chink in my armor. She nodded, and whispered, "Okay."

The door to my room burst open after a brief knock, and the chipper nurse from earlier sashayed in with a fresh IV bag and a couple small cups of pills. Of course she'd come in when I had someone here who I absolutely didn't want to know about my antidepressants.

"Here we are Bella!" The nurse placed the two pill cups on the rolling table and set to work changing the IV. "The pain meds in the one cup will be the pills prescribed to you for pain, and Prozac, correct?"

Alice gasped sharply, the bag in her hands falling to the floor and dumping all the items inside it. Slowly I turned to look at her, terrified of her reaction. I had been hiding this successfully for the better part of a year, and I knew that everybody else would know soon enough. There would be no way for me to escape the interrogation I was sure to get; starting with Alice.

I couldn't make out the expression on Alice's face, so I tried not to worry about it at the moment.

"Yeah, Prozac is right. Thank you," I replied somewhat shakily.

_I'm so fucked._

"Great! Breakfast will be here any minute now. Take those pain meds then, okay?"

"Okay."

My eyes never left Alice, and I heard the nurse exit the room quietly. The click of the door was loud, and strangely ominous. Alice stared at the pill cups with a blank gaze. I desperately wished she'd just get on with it and ask me whatever she was thinking of asking.

"Alice?" I asked with trepidation.

"How long have you been taking them?" She spoke so softly, her voice cracking a couple times.

"A while."

"How long is a while?"

"I don't know." Truthfully I didn't know. I couldn't remember much of the last year, and now everything looked so vivid, like I was looking at things with new eyes.

Alice shot off the bed and began to pace furiously. She kicked the pants on the floor, screaming, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't tell anybody. Please Alice, you can't tell anyone."

"And why not? Huh?" Her eyebrows shot to her hairline.

"Just… because."

"We're your family Bella. Don't you think we should know something about this? I mean," she huffed, "aren't there suicide risks with that shit?"

I swallowed nervously. There was more of a suicide risk if I didn't take them, but there was absolutely no way that I could tell her something like that. Nor would I.

"Yes there is," I confessed. "But I'm fine-"

She cut me off, "You are most certainly _not_ fine! If you were fine you wouldn't need antidepressants!" She pointed accusingly at me. "You should have told us! And it's bullshit if you think I'm not going to tell the others about this."

I'd about had enough of this shit already, and we'd just gotten started. "Fine! Tell them! What's it gonna change? Hmm? Everybody will know and I will still be taking them. Did you think that if you all knew that anything would be different? You're fucking retarded if you think that. All that's going to change is that everyone is going to be watching me like a fucking hawk, smothering me with their questions. I don't need that shit on me. So go ahead, tell them, but don't think for a second that I'm going to be bending to anything you guys think might be right for me. I don't need to be babied and you need to accept that right the fuck now."

_Jesus Fuck, I need a cigarette. _

I popped my Prozac, not bothering to use the cup of water given to me as my anxiety spiked.

Pointing at Alice I said, "Have you accepted it yet?"

She grumbled under her breath, low enough that I couldn't make out her words. "I'll be back to pick you up later."

And with that she left, slamming the door as hard as she could, but the arm at the top of the door that prevented it from slamming, and she screamed in her frustration. I couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped from me without my consent. I don't think Alice heard it though.

I hoped so anyway.

I tried to go back to sleep, but once again the door to my room opened. Some grumpy looking lady walked in, a covered tray in her hand. She dropped the tray onto the rolling table with a _thunk_, and pushed it over the bed before leaving without having said a single word. I was A-o-fucking-kay with it.

I watched TV while I ate, but didn't pay any attention to what was going on. It could have been a documentary, or one of those crimes shows, who knew? Like the nurse instructed, I took the pain medication half way through my shitty meal, and when I finished I pushed the table away. I pushed too harshly and the water cup spilt over the edge. I stared at the puddle on the floor, silently asking it why.

Eventually the boring show began to force my eyelids to droop. However, another motherfucking knock sounded at the door.

"Fucking HELL! Come in!"_ Why can't these fucking people just leave me the hell alone? Every time I try to fall asleep, I swear!_

"Good morning, Bella," Dr. Cullen said. I didn't greet him back. The only thing that would come out would be curses and I still needed him so I could leave. He sighed. "I'll discharge you in a few hours. In the meantime you're welcome to get dressed."

I don't know if he expected an answer or not, but he paused before saying anything else. "The paparazzi are still here." I looked at him flatly. I knew that already. "Just thought you should know." Another pause. "How are you feeling today?"

Rolling my eyes I said, "I'm fine."

"Do you need anything?"

"No. Dr. Cullen," I replied slowly.

"Okay then, I guess I'll see you later when I discharge you." I nodded, ready for him to be gone so I could relax. I felt so tense around him. I hated the way it seemed like his eyes could pierce through all of my invisible armor.

But just when he was about to turn around and leave he did a double take, frowning softly.

"I'll get somebody to clean up that puddle for you."

I'd completely forgotten about the fucker. I just shrugged, willing him and his perfect image to back through the door already.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**March 17, 2010 1:40 PM**

I pushed the cap on my head down further using my good arm. My sunglasses were uncomfortably jabbing into my nose because my hat was so far down. A nurse I'd never seen before wheeled me through the hospital halls with Alice hot on her heels.

"My car is parked right in front of the entrance. Hopefully we don't have any problems with the pappz," Alice said. That was the most she'd spoken to me since she came back to the hospital to pick me up, and I couldn't even tell if she was talking to me or the nurse. She hadn't told me if she'd said anything to the others about what she learned today. I didn't think she did since none of them were here right now, and I wondered how long I had before the interrogating began.

As we were passing through the emergency room I accidentally locked eyes with Dr. Cullen. He gave me a small smile before turning back to his patient. I was happy to have the sunglasses on because I could ignore his look as if I hadn't seen it.

Looking forward I spotted all the paparazzi eagerly searching for me through the doors. I was feeling confident that they wouldn't be able to recognize me, and that I'd be able to get away without any problems.

I was entirely fucking wrong.

The moment we cleared the automatic doors the questions began. They formed a human barricade around us, and we were trapped with nowhere to go except back into the ER.

"Isabella! Tell us what happened."

"How did James die?"

"Isabella! Isabella! Look over here!"

"Did anybody else die, Isabella?"

"Why was James on probation?"

"Isabella! Isabella! Isabella!"

_Isabella. Isabella. ISABELLA!_

_FUCK!_

The questions they were shouting blurred into a hum and all I could hear was Isabella. I couldn't fucking breathe. It seemed like the pappz were closing in on me. I could no longer see the nurse or Alice. All I could see was all the heartless people in front of me snapping their cameras and shoving their tape recorders in my face.

All I could think about was how I wished Jake was here to shield me, to hold me.

_"Isabella," he whispered. "I love you."_

_"I love you, too."_

_"Come here." I walked to him slowly, never breaking eye contact. "Stand right there." He placed his hands on my hips to guide me where he wanted me. He stood from his spot on the couch, a twinkle in his eye that I'd never seen before. _

_"Why do you want me to stand right here?" I asked._

_Instead of answering he gave me a quick and chaste kiss. Slowly, ever so slowly, he sunk before me, my hand in his. He tilted his head up to maintain eye contact. _

_I gasped when I realized the position he was in. _

_On one knee he said, "Bella, I love you with all my heart. I have loved you since the day you ran right into me." I giggled, remembering. "I've known that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you since that first kiss on new years. I want forever with you. I want to protect you from everything that could ever hurt you. I want to be your husband. I want to give you as many babies as you desire. I want to provide a life you'd be happy to claim… Isabella Marie Swan, will you please marry me?"_

_The tears flowed shamelessly from the corners of my eyes. The smile on my face hurt, and there was only one thing I could say to this man before me, "Yes, Jake. Always yes." _

_He grinned widely, and breathed a sigh of relief, pulling me to him. He hugged me around the waist, not even bothering to stand up. _

_"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you," he chanted. Jake leaned back, reaching into his pants pocket. He produced a black velvet box. I gasped when he opened it, utterly stunned by how perfect the ring he'd chosen was._

_"Do you like it?" _

_"I love it." He flashed his teeth at me again before plucking the ring from its box and sliding it gently onto my ring finger, where it would stay for the rest of time. _

_It was perfect. And he was mine. Forever. _

Chapter End Notes:

That wasn't supposed to end there originally, but it just felt right. We'll pick up where we left off next chapter. And damn! If I was a guy that'd be my proposal speech.


	13. Chapter 13 Questioning

I apologize for taking so darn long to update over here. I got swept up in real life and starting a new FF project. (More on that later.) I have quit a large rant I need to share with you, so please read it. I promise it'll be the only time I ever post one, as I am not one to dwell on things.

******IMPORTANT NOTE! ******

When I started this project I knew it was controversial, and that I'd piss off some people. I try to get the message across that I don't know everything about depression, and that I only know what I know because I have experienced it myself. SHOULD things have happened a different way than it is now? ABSOLUTELY YES! But if the characters were just perfect and did everything correctly this would be a really boring story and not worth any of our time. Will I mess up? Yes. Will I piss off more people? Yes. But I will not write a story that is written off of what SHOULD happen, instead of what really happens. Is all of Bella's experiences that we are seeing happen right now typical? No. Her family doesn't know how to deal with this, and confronting Bella about her depression and the meds she is on is pretty harsh, but you do things you wouldn't normally when you are scared and confused. Do I promote the misconceptions about depression? NO! As a writer I want to explore them though. The characters are flawed as they should be. It's called the human condition. This is not a fluff story, and nobody will be pooping rainbows. I try very hard to stay grounded, and keep from floating into fantasy. There are plenty of other stories out there that are fantasy if that's what you want to read. I'd rather few people read this story than so many that I can't keep up with reviews. I just want to stay true to the characters, to myself, and you the readers. Every author writes a story knowing they are going to get people who don't agree with them, and will get hateful words thrown at them. It doesn't matter if you write a fluff filled story or something similar to mine, somebody isn't going to agree. This story is not for everybody. I EVEN ADDRESSED THAT IN THE SUMMARY. I understand if some of you just don't like the way I am taking this. I set a personal goal everyday to take in everything with an open mind, both in the fandom and in my real life. I challenge you to do the same. To understand better you have to think outside the box. To get better first you have to get worse. The other characters in Bella's life represent the misconceptions, the people who don't understand, the people who want to understand, the people who refuse to understand, the people who are hurting because someone they love is. Only a few will be the voice of reason, those who can come to understand things that others can't or won't. And isn't that real life? As a writer and just another reader, I have shared a lot about myself, and my experiences with depression. It helps me better understand myself, it helps me heal old wounds. I find that I'm in a better place now than I was one, or heck, even 6 months ago, and this is one of my ways to try to improve more. It's hard to do at times, but I do it because I feel relief afterwards. Barely 13 chapters in and I have already learned so much from you all, and from myself. It's more than I could ask for. Yes, Bella as a character is derailing, and for a reason. She needs to. It's that plain and simple. She won't get better without something drastic happening to show her something bigger is wrong.

Rant over. Sorry for it being all scattered. I promise that'll be the one and only time I say any of that.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or anything publicly recognizable.**

**I am classifying this chapter as sensitive** due to the topic at hand. It's not an intervention, but just B's family trying to get some idea of what's going on, and they are scared. It might feel a bit like badgering, and I fully know that it should happen a different way, but this is how the characters are.

With that said and out of the way I hope you enjoy this long overdue update.

~M. Perez

* * *

Chapter 13 - Questioning

…

_Previously…_

"_Isabella! Tell us what happened."_

"_How did James die?"_

"_Isabella! Isabella! Look over here!"_

"_Did anybody else die, Isabella?" _

"_Why was James on probation?""Isabella! Isabella! Isabella!"_

…

**March 17, 2010 1:50 PM**

"Alright! That's enough. Back off! I said back off!" That was the first and only time I was happy to hear that voice. It was the voice of authority that would get me out of this tangle I was in. It was Dr. Cullen's voice.

Suddenly my wheelchair was moving back into the hospital, and I could breathe again. No longer constricted by the paparazzo's suffocating words.

But it was short lived because I had three more people questioning me at once.

"Bella, oh-my-god, are you okay?" Alice.

"Miss Black, are you okay?" Nurse.

"Bella, is anything bothering you?" Dr. Cullen.

My free hand shot to my hair, pulling in my frustration and anxiety. "Fuck!"

"What can we do to help, ma'am?" the nurse asked.

"_Ugh!… _Just get me out of this hospital so I can go home."

"Follow me," Dr. Cullen requested. The nurse nodded, and the four of us were moving briskly in whatever direction he was leading us. He took us to a storage room, all of us giving him strange looks. "Put some scrubs on over your clothes."

"Uh, okay?' I did as he said, putting _some_ trust into him. When I'd finished he tossed another something that looked like the same material as the scrubs, but I couldn't tell what it was. "What is this?" I dangled it from my fingers, looking at it questioningly.

"It's a surgical cap. Put it on. I'm going to go find an ID badge for you to stick on, try to make you blend in better." He looked to Alice and said, "Could you bring your car around to the back?"He didn't wait for a response, instead he just left. Alice wasn't too far behind him.

When I couldn't figure out how to put the cap on the nurse took mercy on me and did it for me.

"I apologize for not being able to get you out of there sooner. I froze up with all the cameras flashing and people shouting," the nurse said softly while she tied a knot to hold the cap on.

"So did I."

~!~

!~Disrepair~!~!~

**2:30 PM**

Dr. Cullen thought it would be a good idea for us to wait a while before we tried to leave again. Begrudgingly, I had to agree. And so we waited for thirty minutes before exiting out the back door. I put on my sunglasses, hoping to disguise my face more. Alice carried my bag, which had the sling I should have been wearing, but since we were trying to get me out of the hospital without more issues with the pappz I had to do without it. And what surgeon would be working at the hospital while wearing a sling? Not one. The pain from my shoulder was excruciating and I was sweating like a pig, soaking the scrub cap. But I forged on because I'd felt worse pain before.

I was happy to ditch the wheel chair, though.

Just like I thought, the paparazzi were guarding the back entrance, but unlike last time they paid no attention to me. We passed them without any trouble, and Alice and I made our getaway.

Alice didn't speak a word to me the whole way to my condo. It was unnerving, but welcomed in a way. I could feel the tension rolling off of her, and I was glad to not have to deal with it in the confines of her car.

When we reached my place she didn't look at me, instead she stared out the front window of her car. Her hands gripped the steering wheel in a vice, the knuckles bone white.

"I'll… uh… see you later then," I said, confused by her silence. She just nodded, and I sighed, but exited the car. I wasn't looking forward to the talk I'd be having with my family, but it would give me a chance to straighten things out with them - answer the questions I knew they had to be dying to ask.

But, I'd only do it once. _Once. _

Chelsea was waiting at the door for me when I opened up my condo. I smiled at her, greeting her with a loving pat on the head. I'd missed her crazy ass.

She did a little circle, her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth, before bolting for her favorite toy. I spent a few minutes playing catch with her before I B-lined for the couch. I turned on the TV, flipping the channel a few times, but decided I didn't care and I fell asleep, dreaming of annoying doctors and nosy family members.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**March 18, 2010 5:08 PM**

I'd been waiting on pins and needles all day now, just wondering when the inquisition would begin. I was anxious to get it over with.

I was ready.

So when the doorbell rang I was startled by it. My hands began to shake, my breathing picked up, and my heart… my heart felt like it would explode. But I was ready for this.

_They just want to understand,_ I reasoned with myself.

"Come in," I called.

Slowly, and with a bit of reluctance, my family walked into my condo. They were scared too. I could feel it.

Mom, Dad, Alice, Rosalie and Emmett all took a seat around my living room. They were so quiet and the air was thickening with tension. I just stared at the wall, waiting for them to begin. This was all on them. I'd wait for them to sort out their thoughts as patiently as I could.

Chelsea trotted into the room and jumped onto the couch, placing her head on my thigh. She looked at me sadly. She could _feel _our sadness.

I placed my hand on her head, scratching lightly before looking all of my family in the eye.

"I know you have questions for me. I'll answer them the best I can. I know that I've put you through a lot over the years, and I owe it to you all to give you what I can in return." I left it at that, letting them mull over my words some.

"Why didn't you tell us, Sweetie?" Mom asked after another minute.

I focused on her. "Tell you what?" I wanted them to be specific. Jumping to conclusions wouldn't be good right now.

"That you were on the medications," Rose clarified.

I took a moment to gather my thoughts, feeling very subdued at the moment. "Because I didn't want to put that worry on your shoulders. I knew you guys would worry, but there isn't anything for you _to_ worry over."

"But you're on antidepressants Bella… They are risks with that, aren't there?" Alice asked. I expected this question, from her most of all. After all, it is one of the things she ranted about the other day.

"Yes, there is-"

She cut me off, "And that's exactly why you should have told us."

"Hold it! You didn't let me finish," I said calmly. "There are risks. But they're minimal for me. The risk of suicide in response to the pills applies more to children under 18, than it does to me."

"How long have you been taking them," Dad questioned next.

I had to think pretty hard about it. The past year or so had been fuzzy to me. "Um… Early 2009?" My statement ended up being a question, but they didn't seem to notice. "I'm taking Prozac now. It's the fourth medication I've tried."

"And… do you like them?" Mom.

I inhaled deeply, thinking it over. "Yes. I do. They help a lot."

The silence dragged. They all looked thoughtful. I think they were expecting me to fight them over this. And at first that's what I wanted to do, but as I slept on it, and spent the day thinking about what I'd say to them I realized I didn't need to be angry at them in any way. I thought, maybe they were just scared like me, that maybe that's what was wrong with Alice. I'd noticed she was a lot more reserved and broody than I knew her to be. I'd ask her about that when I could get her alone again, though.

"I think we've known that you've been depressed this whole time, but you just started to seem better. And I think we all just wanted to believe that you were fine again. I know I wanted to believe you were happy in some capacity. But that's not true is it, baby girl?"

"No, Dad. It's not…. It's not," I replied solemnly.

I dropped my head, playing with Chelsea's hair, letting a few tears slip down my cheeks. I missed Jake so much.

"Have you ever thought about seeing a counselor for your depression?"

"No," I replied firmly.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't _want_ to talk about it. The pills are enough."

"But-"

"They're _enough_," I spoke quietly through gritted teeth, piercing them with my eyes. I wouldn't budge on this. Not _this_.

Emmett jumped in the conversation finally, "You know we just wanna see you happy again. We've missed your smile, Bells."

"I'm sorry," I whispered in regret. My apology had more meanings than I'd say out loud; _Sorry I hurt you with my sadness; Sorry I don't want to do anything to fix it; Sorry for all the past and future hurt you'll endure for my actions; Sorry that I wished I was dead; Sorry for not wanting to let you in. _

I was sorry for everything.

_Everything._

…

* * *

Wow, I apologize hugely for this update taking so long. We all know that Real Life just kicks our butts at times, and I just didn't have the time or the creative energy to work on this story. But I'm back now! I'm ready to move on in this story. Next chapter will be longer than this. I swear.

I've signed up to participate in the Fandom Fights for Mental Illness charity. Here's a link: http :/ findingyourvoice-ffmi (.)blogspot (.)com/ Make sure you check it out, and donate. I've written an outtake for Disrepair. It'll be in Alice's PoV, and you'll get to know what's happening that Bella can't see.

Also! Disrepair has been nominated for a second award in the Sunflower Awards, in the Best Drama Story category. The first being a Hidden Star Award for Best Dark Story. Google those, add all your favorites to the nominations, vote!

Review please?


	14. Chapter 14 Sink Into Me Part One

Author's Chapter Notes:

I've got some exciting news!

1) Here's another update. It's a two parter.

2) This story has been nominated for TWO awards. (Sadly I didn't win the Sunflower Award... But that's okay! Winning isn't everything. Just being NOMINATED is really freaking cool.)

3) This story has passed the 100th review mark! Thanks to all of my loyal readers. I wish I had some awesome outtake to give to the 100th reviewer, but I didn't have the time to do that.

4) Coming soon is a brand new fic by me and another author, lmw. The collaboration will be under the penname Dos Aqui. (Unfortunately you can't find the account yet, and will have to wait until we post the first chapter.) More information on that later when we have it. We're combining my ability to angst and her ability to make things lighter to create an awesome new story that isn't too heavy, but not too light. Once chapter two is written we'll begin posting. Which should be very soon. I can't wait to get this new fic out there because it's going to be great.

5) My beta, Tima83, is awesome! She knows why, I think.

Disclaimer! I do not own Twilight, or anything publicly recognizable. All credit goes to those who made them. I'm only a TwiAddict who reads and writes too much fan fiction.

Enjoy this chapter! There is a bit of sensitive material in the beginning and it has been marked in bold as usual.

* * *

Chapter 14 - Sink Into Me: Part One

**March 18, 2010 9:42 PM**

Normally I wouldn't smoke in the condo._ Normally._ But things weren't normal anymore, nothing was the same. I hated it. I was so stressed that I said fuck it, and lit right up.

As I laid there in my bath tub, puffing on my fourth or fifth cigarette, I thought over everything that happened today. I'd been confronted by my family, and begrudgingly they decided to let me be. I doubted it would last long, if at all. It had gone a lot better than I'd ever hoped it would have, though.

That wasn't what had me so stressed out though. No, it was what transpired afterwards that's got me so stressed.

**Earlier…**

Emmett, Rosalie, Mom, Dad, and Alice all stood to leave, having no more to say about things. All but Alice had a thoughtful look on their face. She looked a bit angry still.

"Hey, Alice!" I exclaimed. "Could you wait a minute please? I'd like to talk to you." Her shoulders drooped, head tilted down. She let out a long breath before turning towards me.

She nodded, and speaking to the others she said, "I'll see you all later."

Hesitantly they left, shooting worried glances between Alice and I. The tension between the two of us was palpable, but I hardly paid them any mind except to know when they'd all left so I could start this.

"Alice," I whispered, unsure of where to start. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," she said stoically.

"I know something's wrong with you. Just tell me. You used to tell me everything."

"Yeah, used to," she scoffed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means we don't know each other anymore,_ Bella_. We haven't known each other for over 3 years. Why change it now?"

"I'm sorry Alice… There's nothing else I can say. I know how much I've hurt you all, and its kills me. It _kills_ me. I never meant to hurt any of you in any way, so please, tell me what's wrong."

Alice had a look of pain on her face; she stared holes into my floor. She swallowed hard a few times before looking into my eyes, tears falling from hers suddenly.

"Why wasn't I enough for you? Why weren't we enough for you?"

All I could do was shake my head slightly. I was at a loss for words because nothing I said could answer that sufficiently. It would never be enough to heal her pain. I could never take it away.

"What did I do wrong?" she asked quietly before saying it again at a much higher level, "WHAT DID I DO WRONG?"

"Nothing, Alice, nothing. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." By now I was bawling; the first time in a long time.

"I was always there for you. I did everything I could to make you feel comfortable, but it was never_ enough_. You_ still_sunk. You _still_ pushed us all away. _Why couldn't you come to us for help?_"

"I-I… I couldn't do that to you guys."

"Don't you think that would be our decision? Huh?"

"Yeah," I whispered in shame.

"We did everything we could to make you see that we were there for you. _Everything._ Why aren't we enough?"

"I don't know." The words barely left my mouth, but she still heard them.

Silence fell like a heavy blanket. It suffocated me. I wanted to collapse to the floor and never stand back up. I had no more fight suddenly. The guilt consumed me whole right then. Nothing hurt more than my heart at that moment - certainly not my healing shoulder which throbbed.

"I love you, Bella. I just want that to be enough for _you_. I don't want to see you wither away anymore because I don't know what I'd do without you. I _need _you. I've needed you for a long time, and you just haven't been there. I know you're still hurting over your family, so just let the rest of us love you and be there for you… It's all we want."

Before I could say anything back to her she was out the door and I was on the floor. I couldn't bare that weight anymore.

I curled up into a ball, rocking slightly and chanting, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Sorry to Alice; to Jake; to every single person I'd hurt, and will hurt, with my actions.

**Present…**

The ash of my cigarette threatened to fall, so I flicked the filter with my thumb before taking another drag. I dashed it out on the ledge of the tub, not caring about the mark the ashes would make just like all the others did. With lots of practice under my belt I deftly flicked the butt across the bathroom.

I sighed and turned my head to stare at the ceiling. **A tear slipped from my eye as I sunk beneath the surface of the water. Bubbles escaped my nose and I watched stoically as they rose to the surface. It wasn't long before my body burned for fresh oxygen, but I denied it. I didn't deserve that relief.**

**I denied it until I was on the brink of passing out, and just as I was about to give in to the darkness a memory flashed across my eyes as if I was right there again.**

_Dr. Cullen leaned over my body, his image disturbed by the ripples in the water, but his message was clear. _

_"Hold in there, Bella." _

_I could hear him clear as day. And just as I lost the will to fight he said it again, his voice fading away._

_"Hold in there, Bella."_

I sat up roughly, gasping in gulps of air. The water cascaded off my body, some of it flowing onto the floor. When I'd caught my breath I reached forward, pulling the plug to drain the water out roughly.

On shaky legs I got out of the tub, wrapping a towel around myself and turned to stare at the place I thought only minutes ago would be my final resting place. I wondered what the fuck just happened, and why I couldn't follow through. What baffled me most was why Dr. Cullen's face was what I saw; that his voice was what I heard.

…

I stood in my kitchen the following day after nearly drowning myself in the bathroom, still reeling over the events. With my good arm I gripped the countertop in a vice, unable to slow my heart down or relax. I even took the extra dose of anti-anxiety pills I was allowed, and it did nothing to help. Continually those few minutes replayed in my mind.

I tried to catch my breath because it felt like I couldn't fucking breathe with so much weighing down on me. I _couldn't fucking breathe_. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Chelsea and her big, sad puppy eyes staring at me. She hadn't left my side since last night, and I found out that she had been laying guard in front of the bathroom door as I exited to find her there. I was even hurting my dog's feelings!

The air I was puffing in and out of my lungs quickly suddenly caught when the door bell rang. My eyes snapped opened, and fear laced my veins like a coating of ice.

_Nobody should be coming over today_, I thought.

I looked at Chelsea, snapping my fingers in command. She turned tail and ran in the other direction. Slowly I followed, but froze in place when I heard, "Hello?… Are you here Bella?"

_Fuck!_ It was Dr. Cullen. _What the fuck is he doing here?_

Warily I peered around the corner to see him standing in the doorway with Chelsea sitting at his feet, staring straight up at him. Her tongue dangled from the side of her mouth, and her tail wagged relentlessly.

"Uh, hi," I replied in nearly a whisper. "What are you doing here?"

He lifted a bag eagerly, smiling his annoying as fuck lopsided smile. "I brought you dinner and a conversation." Another smirk.

"Why?" I asked rudely.

"Well, why not?" I narrowed my eyes at him. I didn't want him here, but didn't want to push him away because yet a-fucking-gain he had saved my life.

And he didn't even know it. If I had anything to do about it he would never know.

All I could do was shrug in response and gestured him into the condo, pointing to the living room. He nodded politely, shutting the door behind him with a soft click.

As we moved to the other room he asked, "How did you teach your dog to answer the door?"

"I just did."

"Hmmm."

"Wouldn't you rather be home with your wife?" I snarked.

He twisted and turned, taking in all the decorations in the condo. "Huh? Oh, no." He chuckled. "I'm not married."

"Girlfriend?"

"No. Nobody. I don't much have the time for that." He went back to his perusal, not leaving one square inch left undiscovered. He'd get a kink in his neck if he kept it up.

"'Kay." I pushed past him and plopped into my favorite seat. Like the loyal dog she was, Chelsea curled up next to the recliner. "Have a seat, Dr. Cullen."

He looked at me with a critical eye that put me off and made me squirm internally. "Call me Edward, please. I hate being called that outside of work."

"Sure thing, Dr. Cullen." I smirked a bit evilly. I would_ not _be calling him Edward. I didn't _want_ to be friends. He took my smile wrong and his face lit up. Instantly mine dropped and I asked, "So what did you bring for dinner?"

"Chinese. Do you mind?" He gestured to the coffee table, I assumed to ask if it was okay to put the food out there.

"Go ahead."

He set about organizing the large array of choices, opening every box. I noticed the he placed everything in a perfectly lined up grid. I wondered if he was OCD or just had control issues. I figured it was probably both.

"So how does that shoulder feel?"

"Fine."

"Any pain?"

"No," I sighed. "If it was bothering me I would have gone to see a doctor. I thought you were off work, or did you come to make a strange house call, Dr. Cullen?"

He blinked. "Sorry. No doctor here." There was blissful silence for a few minutes as we dished up on the paper plates he'd brought with him. Just like at the hospital I noticed that his presence was fucking loud. There was no sound except for that of our chewing, but it was like a sonic boom had just occurred.

"So," he began. "I like how you decorated the place."

I swallowed before replying, "I didn't. It came like this."

"Oh? So what did you add then?"

"Listen… Can we not talk about me?" I didn't need him prying into places that he wasn't, and would never be, welcomed. As much as I didn't give a rat's ass I had to turn the conversation from me and onto him if I was going to make it through his impromptu visit. "Why are you a doctor if you're such a control freak?" I asked, eyeing him straightening the carton I just moved to fill up my plate so more.

He blushed.

"Uh… I don't know." His brows furrowed in concentration. "I guess I've always wanted to be a doctor. Believe it or not there is actually a lot of order to working in the ER."

"Uh huh," I said skeptically. "You look pretty young; how long have you been practicing medicine?"

"I think 5 or 6 years? I don't know."

"And that makes you how old?"

"31."

I took another bite of food, humming in disinterest. Everything he'd just told me went in one ear and out the other. I didn't care what he had to say.

The conversation took a halt then when I couldn't come up with anymore questions. We ate in silence, with Dr. Cullen sporting a strained look. As time continued to move, and he was still there, he'd ask a question and I'd shoot him down every time it would remotely come close to being about me.

Finally after two long, agonizing hours Dr. Cullen took his leave. As I shut the door behind him I leaned against it heavily, sliding down it slowly. The moment my ass hit the ground I let out a sigh, releasing the breath I had seemingly been holding the entire time he was here.

I didn't think he'd ever leave.

…

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

**March 20, 2010 2:08 PM**

I was going stir crazy. There was nothing to do, and I wasn't used to it. There was just too much time to think. I didn't want to think. When I wasn't busy with work my mind seemed to wander, and it never wandered to a good place. Aro refused to let me go in to work for any reason. I had tried yesterday but was quickly thwarted. Every employee was informed that I wasn't allowed in the building at all until further notice. As soon as I'd walked in the door security turned me right around and actually walked me to my rental car.

It was now Saturday and all I could do was pace and think. The urge to cut was strong, but I continued to ignore it.

It had been a few days since I'd heard anything from my family, and I'd done nothing but think about Alice's words and about Jake. He must be so disappointed in me right now.

Out of sheer boredom I showered and got ready for the day, still thinking about everything. I just couldn't shut off my mind. After a couple more hours of pacing Chelsea must have had enough because she brought me her leash. Her way of telling me she wanted to go for a walk.

Wrapping the leash around my fist, Chelsea and I began our trek around the neighborhood. She didn't need the leash since she never left my side, but the park we were heading to required it. We walked for an hour before heading back to the condo. I was a little put out that I didn't get to run like normal, but was feeling a bit better after having been outside with a change of scenery.

**3:21 PM**

Rounding the corner to my condo I went to whistle at Chelsea to go ahead of me, but was cut short when she took off.

"Chelsea!" I yelled anxiously. It was unlike her to do such a thing. I followed her running form with my eyes, my breath hitching when I spotted her destination.

There, not fifty feet from me was a surprise I wasn't expecting, or ready for.

"Hey, Bella."

* * *

Chapter End Notes:

Uh-oh! Did she just leave it a cliff hanger? Why yes I did. :) I'll try not to leave you hanging for another month.

Dr. Edward Cullen really has his work cut out for him.

So, what are your thoughts?


	15. Chapter 15 Sink Into me Part Two

I know I said long before that this story would mostly be Bella's POV, but this will be changing... From now on I will be writing mostly from Edward's POV. Of course there will still be BPOV in every chapter, but I feel like this story needs some more EPOV than BPOV right now.

I don't own Twilight, or anything else really. No copyright infringement intended.

~M.

_

Chapter 15 - Sink Into Me: Part Two

Previously…

_Rounding the corner to my condo I went to whistle at Chelsea to go ahead of me, but was cut short when she took off._

_"Chelsea!" I yelled anxiously. It was unlike her to do such a thing. I followed her running form with my eyes, my breath hitching when I spotted her destination. _

_There, not fifty feet from me was a surprise I wasn't expecting, or ready for. _

_"Hey, Bella."_

…

**4:23 PM**

We sat around my back patio on camp chairs that they brought. My seat was against the wall, as close to the entrance to the kitchen, and as far away from the crowd as I could get. I needed the escape route - just in case.

I was uncomfortable. This was my safe place, the place I could go to get away from everything and everyone, and now it wasn't. This… _party_ they seemed to have already deemed a weekly occurrence was fucking everything up.

I'd find out who's idea it was soon enough.

Emmett brought his fancy smancy BBQ over in the back of his truck, Demetri sitting on the side of the truck bed "making sure it didn't fall." Rosalie and Alice rode with my parents and Phil while various coworkers of mine and their spouses came in multiple car pools.

I didn't know who's _fucking_ idea it was, but it was stupid.

All the girls raided my kitchen as soon as I unlocked the door, mixing up drinks and tossing salads, making girl talk. They tried to get me to join in, but I made a funny face, briefly thinking about how I used to love doing all that, before retreating to my room to catch my breath from the memories.

A party, whatever this was, was something I needed time to prepare for.

I didn't dare hide out for long because I knew someone would come looking for me, and I couldn't trust them to stay out of my shit. I didn't want them in my shit. At all. They didn't need to see my obsession with finding whoever was responsible for the fire that killed my husband.

While everybody mingled, catching up I supposed, I watched Alice, trying to get a feel for how she was feeling.

For years now nothing but my own pain had gotten to me, but now… _now_ Alice was changing that. For some reason I couldn't get over the way she'd been acting around me lately, how she blew up on me, the things she said to me. It tore me up.

Today she seemed fine. Like I'd always known her to be; the happy, optimistic person. She didn't talk to me past the pleasantries but she didn't ignore me. A time or two we even made eye contact.

I didn't want to care about her feelings. Caring meant hurt. Caring meant I could lose something. Again. Investing myself into making someone happy would connect us, give me an obligation to hold out on. What would happen to my plan then? What would happen when I found the person responsible for my husband's death, and I was ready to leave this world? How could I leave that connection behind when I felt like I had to complete something that could never end?

I didn't want to care about people again… but I was beginning to. I couldn't stop it.

My body shook a little bit at this realization.

Focusing back on my surroundings I noticed Alice smile, throw back her head in a laugh. My lip twitched a bit in response, nearly breaking into the beginnings of a smile of my own.

**5:12 PM**

As Emmett fired up the grill and threw on some meats the doorbell rang.

I started to get up from my chair when Em yelled out, "I'll get it!" and flew past me into the condo. I heard, "Hey, man. Glad you came," followed by a few hearty back slaps.

I froze mid sip of my beer when I heard the response.

"Hey! How's it goin' Emmett?" he said.

_Why does he keep coming around_, I thought to myself.

I heard their heavy footsteps heading back and fixed my eyes forward, just hoping that I'd go unseen. But I wasn't_ that_lucky.

"Belly Bean!" Emmett yelled. "Look at who I found." He wrapped his gorilla arm around the poor, terribly scrawny looking man before me, giving him a few rough shakes.

"Hello, Dr. Cullen," I addressed formally. The brilliant smile that was on his face a moment ago faltered, but like he always seemed to do he covered it up well.

"Bella." He nodded shortly.

Em interrupted the awkwardness, thoroughly catching me off guard. " This guy here has some fucking ridiculous stories from the ER."

I looked at them both in shock, not understanding what he was saying.

"Yeah? How do you know that Emmett?" I asked.

"We went for drinks last night."

**EPOV**

The shock on Bella's face when it came out that I had went for drinks with her brother was off putting. I didn't understand why she'd be shocked. Emmett was a great guy, and I knew he loved his sister a lot. He'd told me how worried he was about her, but didn't give a whole lot of reason why. So, I just assumed it was because of her job. All the stories Emmett told me last night about Bella just made me want to get to know her more. I hoped she'd let me start.

Bella hummed a response before turning her attention away from us. I would have asked her how she'd been since I'd last seen her, but Emmett pulled me away, introducing me to his wife and their family and friends.

Whenever I could I'd watch Bella out of the corner of my eye. I noticed people would try to talk to her, but it didn't last long. Soon she was sitting completely by herself, staring into space. I wondered why she secluded herself like that when everyone around me was telling me about how great a person she was.

Things didn't add up.

After I'd been there for nearly an hour, and had eaten a huge plate of food, I was finally able to break away to talk to the whole reason I came to this BBQ in the first place.

I grabbed a camp chair from nearby and unfolded it next to Bella. Once I'd settled down in the seat I just took in the scenery. Her condo had a pretty nice view for being in the city. It was almost like being on the outskirts of town. You couldn't really hear the traffic, and there was plenty of trees behind the entire property that it gave you a feeling of being secluded. Even with all her friends and family chattering about in the yard I felt like her and I were the only ones here.

She still hadn't acknowledged that I was sitting right beside her, at least not outwardly. I had a strange feeling that she was just as hyperaware of my presence as I was hers.

I decided not to ruin a good thing, instead I just stayed next to Bella without speaking, without looking her way. She was like a defensive dog in the sense that if you looked her in the eye she was likely to bite or bark. I didn't want to put her on edge and push her for a conversation like most everybody here had done already.

Before long Emmett was hollering at me to come play some ball with the guys. I studied Bella closely for a moment, leaving my seat behind and jogging to the yard.

**BPOV**

I watched the game of tag football in fear, knowing an onslaught of memories were going to assault me. It was Dr. Edward Cullen's touchdown dance that was so fucking similar to Jake's that sent me into the whirlwind.

_The men crouched into their starting positions, Emmett, playing quarterback, yelled out commands before the ball was snapped to him. _

_I watched proudly as Jake ran around the park field like a pro, dodging tackles and throwing the ball back and forth with Emmett. _

_"So," Alice started, taking my focus off my husband. "How's married life treating you?"_

_I grinned like a fool. Jake and I had only just gotten back from our honeymoon barely a week ago hence the party and game of football. _

_"I highly recommend," I replied. Alice squealed in excitement, clapping her hands together and jumping on the balls of her feet. Quite obviously she knew I was referring to the sex - sex that was so much better now than it was before we'd gotten married._

_Rosalie walked up to Alice and me rolling her eyes. "I can tell you it doesn't last for very long girls. The novelty will wear off."_

_"Oh, Rose," Alice sighed as she dropped an arm heavily across Rose's shoulders. "Such a pessimist."_

_"I'm serious," she said. "Once the honeymoon phase is over everything becomes routine and you have to work really fucking hard to break some of the monotony. Just give it a year Bella, you'll see what I mean."_

_I just nodded my head, not believing a word she said, absolutely convinced that would not be the case with me and Jake. _

_I heard a howl, very similar to that of a wolf, coming from behind us on the field. I quickly turned knowing the source of the sound. The smile that overtook my face at the hilarious dance Jake was doing could have broken my face if it was any bigger. I loved to watch him do the dorkiest things like he was doing now. The appreciation for life he had, and his ability to not take anything for granted was something I wished I was as good at doing. _

I was yanked from the memory when a drink was thrust in my face and I heard, "Here you go Bella." I didn't register what the drink was, or even who said the words, I just bolted. Someone was calling my name behind me, I didn't stop, instead moving faster. Once in the safety of my room I locked the door and dove onto my bed, curling up around a pillow. The sobs soon followed, and I used the pillow to muffle the sound.

Multiple sets of feet stomped through the hall, many people calling my name. I got up from the bed and moved to my in-suite bathroom, locking the door behind me. I could hear the pounding on the door, but I was hyperventilating and it was getting harder to hear.

It wasn't long before I blacked out.

**EPOV**

Our game of football was cut short when Rosalie and Alice started yelling Bella's name, running into the condo. I stopped in confusion, my brow furrowed. I really started to worry when Emmett and Charlie pushed past me and followed behind the others.

I asked Demetri what was going on, and all he did was shake his head sadly. He didn't offer up an explanation though. I looked around at all the people standing around, each displaying pity on their faces. Clearly I was completely in the dark.

I decided to see if I could do anything to help, so I walked cautiously toward the back door. As soon as I walked through the threshold I heard heavy footsteps racing toward me. It was Emmett. He was frantic as he burst into the kitchen, opening every drawer and not bothering to shut them. I couldn't see what he grabbed, but it didn't matter I ran right after him.

He slid on his knees in front a door, yelling at everybody to move. He started picking the lock, but his hands were shaking too bad. I stepped forward, pushing past the others and taking over. Emmett fell back on his butt, looking beyond frazzled.

But I couldn't pay him any mind, I needed to focus. I mentally thanked my long time friend, Jasper, for his lessons on lock picking in high school when the door popped open.

I didn't even put my hands down before a line of people, otherwise known as Bella's family, barged into the room calling her name. It was when I heard a blood curdling scream from one of the ladies that I set into motion, my training kicking into overdrive.

I sprinted into the room, taking in the scene before me. The bathroom door was busted open, barely hanging on by it's hinges. Emmett, Charlie, Rosalie, Alice, and Renee were huddled around Bella's pale, limp body. Mentally I ran through every possible diagnosis there could be for this, but quickly realized I needed to get a closer look.

As soon as I started moving towards them Renee looked up at me, a look so devastating that I stumbled a bit. I couldn't bring myself to say what I always did to the worried parents of my patients. _Everything will be fine. I promise._ I couldn't say them, so I tore my eyes away from hers and focused on Bella. I checked her pulse, felt her head for any bumps, basically everything I could think to check I did.

I turned to look at her family, and said, "I'm pretty sure she just fainted, but I think it would be wise to take her in and check for a concussion."

Emmett shook my hand, thanking me for helping his sister.

"No problem. Now lets get her into bed."

…

Not long after everybody went home - except for Bella's family. I reluctantly left, reminding them that she needed to get to hospital after she woke up.

I tried not to think about her. I tried to do anything else but that. Seemed to be an impossible feat.

… So I gave in…

Chapter End Notes:

Well, we can almost welcome Jasper to the party. :)

My Beta is awesome! You're awesome. Thanks for reading. I'd love your thoughts.

~M.


	16. Chapter 16 Surfacing Stage One

I don't own Twilight.

Tima83 rocks.

_

Chapter 16 - Surfacing Stage

**BPOV**

I was woken by long, languid and slobbery licks to my face. Reluctantly I opened my eyes noticing that Chelsea was hovering over me. She gave a tiny yelp before resuming her panting. I reached up to scratch her head like I knew she liked.

I froze when I realized that I was in my bed. The last thing I remembered was collapsing in the bathroom, and I had to wonder how I got where I was. As I moved to get up I felt the bed shift, and it wasn't me who'd caused it. Slowly I looked to my left, and sure enough I wasn't alone. My mom laid facing me, still in the clothes she wore yesterday. Well, I had to assume yesterday since I didn't actually know what time it was.

Because Renee was on my left I decided to roll to the right so I could get up, but stopped immediately when I almost rolled into Alice.

"What the fuck?" I whispered. Having my mom in my bed was weird enough, but so was Alice. _Alice_ of all people.

So I sat up to assess the situation, realizing it was a fucking slumber party in my room. Rosalie was on the other side of Alice, and my dad, Emmett and Phil were all camped on the floor.

I huffed in annoyance and left the bed, heading for the bathroom. When I went to shut the door I bounced back at me, hitting me square in the ass.

"What the fuck?" I whisper yelled. Closer inspection gave me my answer; the door was busted, the door jam practically shattered. Whoever broke it was going fucking fix it.

I propped the door shut and went about my business, and then went to the kitchen. Brewing a pot of coffee I thought about all those people in my room, and how I loved them - even though they annoyed the hell out of me sometimes. It was while I was thinking about them that I realized that I hadn't dreamed, or more aptly hadn't had any nightmares.

It'd been years - since before Jake died - since I'd gone a night without nightmares. Was it because of my dysfunctional family? Would the nightmares return once they left?

Their gesture warmed me slightly, although I still would have preferred that they hadn't stayed over. It has been a long time since I recognized the fact that they were here for me.

**EPOV**

I didn't get any sleep last night. Nope, I was up all night thinking about a girl. A girl I couldn't seem to figure anything about. For everything I got answered about her I ended up with more questions, more things I wanted to know about her.

Most of all I wanted to understand that look in her eyes. I couldn't decipher it past a general sadness. What saddened her?

I was surprised by how hard it was to leave her side yesterday. I'd never felt that before. I find now that I want nothing more than to get to see her again.

But that'd have to wait because it was time to get ready for work.

I meticulously went through my morning routine, and though I normally would wear my blue tie today I decided to wear my special occasion one. I had plans to stop by Bella's today, and I wanted to look my best.

The day stretched on, and it seemed like every minute was an hour. I'd never felt so miserable at work before. I didn't like the feeling. My mind would constantly wander to places I really shouldn't be entertaining. Like what it would feel like if Bella's lips were pressed to mine. Were they as soft as I imagined they were? I wanted to experience what it would be like to see her smile, to be in the presence of it. I imagined that the world would become infinitely brighter in an instance. I wanted to make her smile. Just once. I'd try everyday if I had to.

I wanted to be her friend, and truthfully I wanted more than that, but she didn't deserve to be forced into second place to my job. She deserves someone who could give her first place. But oh, how I wanted to be that guy for her.

So, I'd settle for friends. It would have to be enough for me. It had to be.

**BPOV**

"Hey, Belly Bean," Emmett grumbled.

"Hi, Emmett," I greeted back with an equally tired voice. "There's some coffee if you'd like."

He nodded, seemingly quite solemn. I wondered if it was because of me. I'd bet it was.

Slowly, one after the other, everybody else trickled into the kitchen with Emmett and me. The coffee went quick, but at least it was quiet… and nobody was asking me questions.

My mom broke into the fridge, grabbing various ingredients, and got to work on some breakfast. That certainly made Em perk up.

"Edward said you should probably go to the hospital today to get checked out," my mom said.

"I'm fine."

"But what if you hit your head?" she stressed.

"I'm fine. Really."

"Okay," she said softly, a sad look on her face.

After we ate, me hardly eating, we moved to the living room. Emmett beat us all to the remote and he started flicking through the hundreds of channels that I had, but was quickly - and thankfully - thwarted by Rose. Had she not, we all would have been stuck watching some dumb as fuck show. On one of the local channels she found some old reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

And that's how we stayed till lunch rolled around, and Emmett started bitching about being hungry. Rose chose to cook this time. It started raining as we finished up, which seemed to match the subdued tone in the condo.

They continued to not interrogate me, and I was grateful. For once in a long fucking time I was enjoying spending some time with my family.

Eventually we switched to movies, and around six in the evening Emmett and Phil pulled out a few board games when the doorbell rang.

Phil happened to be the closest to the door so he answered it. I peeked around to see who it was and sure enough it was that pesky Dr. Cullen.

I sighed, but kept my mouth shut because apparently he and Emmett were friends now. I just hoped he left me alone.

"We're just about to pick a game to play, care to join us?" Phil asked him.

Dr. Cullen's eyes met mine, and he gave me a nod in greeting before looking back at Phil. "Uh, sure." He smiled tightly, and sank to his knees between Alice and Renee.

"So what do you got?" he asked.

"Well, we have a rousing game of Sorry!, Monopoly, Clue, Risk, and…" Emmett said dramatically before continuing as he pulled a deck of cards from his pocket and slapped it on the table, "slap jack."

"_Not_ slap jack," Alice was quick to dispute. She had a look in her eyes, one of pleading, for us not to play that game. There are many memories of playing that I have and all included massive amounts of pain because Emmett couldn't control his strength or eagerness. Needless to say, it was his favorite game.

"Definitely no slap jack," Rose agreed. The rest of us besides Dr. Cullen nodded our heads in agreement. Quite comically - and I almost laughed because of it… almost - Emmett's face fell, his hopes squashed. Although it was a pitiful look not one of us would be giving in… and he knew that, which is why he said, "You guys are not fair."

My mom decided to switch topics, asking Dr. Cullen what he'd like to play first. He chose Risk. The poor man had no idea what he was getting himself into when he chose that game. Many arguments ensued, tempers flared, threats were given, both violent and deadly. This never failed to happen each time my family played Risk, and we all tended to hold grudges from all the previous games that we've played, dating all the way back to when we discovered it over a decade ago. In fact there were a few times we stopped speaking to each other for a short time because of it.

Shamelessly we all glared at Dr. Cullen when he beat us.

**EPOV**

Wow. The intensity between these people was, for a lack of a better word, intense. I don't think I'd ever met a group that was this competitive. Almost as soon as we started playing glares were being thrown around. Many coming my way when it was revealed that I was in fact quite good at this game.

It took us nearly three hours to finish the one game. It was by far the longest I'd ever spent playing Risk.

Rose, Phil, Emmett and Alice were all married into the family or known them for many years, but they were just as into it as the others.

I was thankful when we moved onto Clue, but it wasn't actually much better than the last game. Luckily I didn't win this time, their intimidating stares were bad enough, didn't want to add their losing stares to the mix.

Even though they were a bit too competitive for my tastes I had tons of fun with them. Their banter was hilarious, and I had a feeling that most of it was thinly disguised threats.

Before I knew it, it was one A.M., which meant I needed to leave.

"Well," I began, moving to shake hands with the men. "Thanks for letting me play with you guys. I think I need to get going."

"Wow!" Charlie exclaimed, noting the time on the clock. "Yeah, I think we all should be leaving."

I happened to look over at Bella as everybody else was looking other places, and saw her face fall even farther than it normally was. As I suspected, she was good at hiding things, and she composed herself almost as fast as it took to make the face. In the next moment her eyes met mine, where they filled with fear. I shook my head ever so slightly, letting her know that I wouldn't be outing her.

I was a promise, and although I didn't understand why she would hide that emotion, I planned to take it to my grave. I wanted to get to know her, and for that to happen I had to gain her trust.

I was determined to.

~!~

!~Disrepair~!  
~!~

The next day I called my friend Jasper. I needed advice, and he was the one I knew could give me the kind I needed.

"Hey man! How's it going?" Jasper said as he answered his cell.

"It's going good," I replied, pausing only for a second, but he still beat me to the punch.

"What's wrong?"

I sighed. I'd known that he would immediately pick up on my mood, even despite the distance.

"I'm just confused is all."

"Oh? What about?"

"The woman from the shootout."

"The cop?" he asked to confirm his information. After that day and the one following I'd told him everything that transpired in those days.

"Yes."

"Well what about her?"

"I was at her place last night, and-"

"Wait, wait, wait," he cut me off. "I wasn't aware that you'd seen her outside of the hospital. How many times?"

"A few… I went out to the bar with her step brother too."

"You've never done this before," Jasper commented.

"I know."

"So tell me what it is about this girl that's made you suddenly interested in deviating from your rules?"

"I don't really know. I just feel like I need to get to know her. To make her smile." I paused for a moment, scuffing my shoes on my living room carpet. "She never smiles, Jas."

"Hmm," he hummed, thoughtfully. "I'm guessing you've asked around about her." He assumed correctly.

"Yes, and nobody has mentioned anything helpful. Everytime I ask someone about her they always talk about how great she is, but don't even mention anything abuot why she hardly ever talks, or why when she does her words are hateful, and filled with curse words."

"That's certainly interesting. Do you feel they're hiding something?"

I thought that over for a minute. " I do."

We were both silent for a while, and it was Jasper who broke it.

"I don't know what to tell you, Edward. I'd have to meet her to get any kind of clue as to what is wrong, and even then I'd have to talk to her, and I have a suspicion that she probably wouldn't allow it."

Resigned, I said, "I figured as much."

"You really like this girl don't you?"

"Yeah…"

"Then just keep trying."

~!~

!~Disrepair~!  
~!~

I took his advice, and just about everyday for two weeks I stopped by Bella's. Each time it seemed like there was less malice in her eyes, and more resignation. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

I never got an ounce of information out of her besides the very superficial things. That was fine, because at that point I'd take what I could get. Mostly we just say in each others company, in silence. I was glad that she didn't make it awkward.

…

**BPOV**

Two weeks. Two long, agonizing fucking weeks he came around. And for what? I thought I had made it pretty fucking clear that I didn't want to be friends. But I was becoming more and more resigned. Obviously he was a driven man, and I wouldn't be able to deter him.

Today, though, I had a doctors appointment, and hopefully I'd get the OK to go back to work. I was seriously going to go crazy if I didn't get to soon.

I sighed as I passed my motorcycle, missing the feeling of freedom it gave me. Even though I'd ditched the sling a while ago, I slipped into the car instead of hopping on the bike.

It seem like I hit every fucking red light on the way to the doctor's. I gritted my teeth to keep from lashing out with my mouth. When I finally got there I was 15 minutes late.

"There you are, Bella," the secretary said. I'd come here so much over the last few years that most the staff knew my name, even my phone number. There has been many times I'd gotten calls and texts from the staff to remind me of my appointments. Usually you would just get an impersonal phone call.

I greeted her back, and she made small talk, updating me on her family. I didn't much care, but I'd listen because she'd been so nice to me over the years.

I was called back quickly. Just about every nurse I passed greeted me with friendly smiles and brief hellos. Once settle into a room I changed into one of those scratchy gowns. The collar felt like it was choking me, so I yanked at it repeatedly till the doctor came in.

"Hello, Bella," he said sweetly.

"Hi," I lamely replied.

"Let's take a took look now."

…

Chapter End Notes:

Thanks for reading.  
M.


	17. Chapter 17 First Conversations

This chapter is going to piss some people off. I know this, but I'm posting it anyways. I won't say I'm sorry for it, or anything like that. I did not plan for the story to go this way but it just did. And I think it might be better than what I had planned. Hopefully Bella redeems herself to you all in the second half of the chapter, but the first part will definitely piss off some of you.

I know you girls have been waiting a while for some serious forward movement, I think our characters finally gave me the opening. Which means things will probably move faster in the story, _which means_ the story is almost over. I've tossed around the idea of breaking this story up into two parts for months, and I've just recently decided that I'm going to go through with it. So, part uno will be finishing up soon, but not too soon, I still have a lot to cover before I'm ready to end part one.

Also, please let me know if I mess up some details. I've been working on this story for like a year and a half and I know I've forgotten some things in the process of it all. Head injuries (of my own, not Bella's) don't help a whole lot either, of course.

You have been warned! Now enjoy the craziness.

**I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. It chagrins us all that they are Stephanie Meyer's. **

**Tima83** betas for me, and she's the best.

_

**Chapter 17: First Conversations**

**BPOV**

I was anxious. Really fucking anxious. My limbs were restless, and I couldn't fucking stop pacing. I felt like beating something, and not stopping until I blacked out. The small shiny piece of metal in my hand warmed more with each pass as I switched it between my hands. The itch was almost unbearable.

Back and forth I went between giving into the blade, or the gun.

More pacing. More anger building. My heart raced faster. I could feel it. I began to sweat. A drop falling on the metal in my hands. I cleaned it off, still pacing. My mind raced. Thoughts of relief. Two different routes to take.

I paced past the gun again, gravitating towards it ever so slightly.

_No!_

More pacing. I rolled my neck convulsively, growling with rage. I was ready for a fight, adrenaline already coursing through me. I couldn't control it.

_Fuck it!_

I threw the blade at the wall, moving briskly to the gun. I loaded it quickly, yet roughly, shoving it into my waistband and covering it with my shirt.

[…]

Up until now I'd been so careful. Careful of my approach because I didn't want to fuck anything up. I'd probably be back at square fucking with one wrong move.

But right now I couldn't give a shit. I was angry - livid. I just wanted to kick someone's ass.

I wasn't prepared for what I was about to do, but here I was, about to pound on the gray metal door. Fuck the respectful three knocks and wait business, I banged on that door till it burst open giving me my first glimpse of possible justice.

The angry face staring back at me didn't deter me one bit. I shot forward, my hand closing around her wind pipe as I pushed her farther into the house, kicking the door shut behind me I pinned her to the wall. Pressing my forearm against her neck I pulled my pistol from my pants, cocking the chamber with a bullet. The curses coming from her ceased immediately.

"What do you want?" she spat.

"You fucking know what I want."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

The rage in me surged, and I slammed her head against the wall.

"Bullshit!"

"Fuck off."

I slammed her head against the wall again, pushing the business end of my gun right between her eyes.

"Fucking tell me what I need to know." When I got no response I started clenching my finger on the trigger saying, "Last chance."

"Okay! Okay!" she panted. "Laurent is the one you want to speak with."

"Laurent who?"

"Laurent Dobson."

I released my finger from the trigger and pushed my arm harder into her throat making her choke. She started to claw at my arm in a futile attempt to get me to let her have air. Her face turned red, then purple in under a minute, and her fight went right along with it. Just when I knew she'd pass out I let her go, watching her drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes, coughing and gasping for air.

"This never happened," I said. "And don't you dare warn him or I'll come back for _you_."

…

**EPOV**

**8:04 PM**

When I reached Bella's house, just like I do every day, I took in the condos before me. The one that is hers was dark, except for one small lamp that I could see through her front window. Not unusual for her, but I couldn't help but feel like there was something different about this time.

I grabbed the bag of Chinese food from the passenger seat and made my way to the door. When I knocked and didn't get the usual response to go away, I knew. Something wasn't right, I could feel it deep in my bones. I knocked again, but just pushed the door open calling out to her, "Bella?"

Looking around the front room I found a woman sitting motionless on the couch. She sat with her legs tucked closely to her body, her eyes staring straight ahead - unseeing. This broken woman before me was essentially catatonic.

The bag in my hand crashed to the floor when I saw what was in her hand. It blended in so well with her clothes that I didn't see it at first glance. She gripped it tightly, so tight that her knuckles were a bone white.

"Bella?" I asked. Nothing.

I approached her with caution, not knowing what was going on in her mind. There was no telling what the gun was for.

"Bella?" I asked once more when I crossed into her line of sight - except she obviously wasn't seeing me. I waved my hands in front of her, snapping my fingers occasionally. It took a minute, but she came around.

"Bella."

"… What?" she whispered in a hoarse voice.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing…."

"What's the gun for?" I needed to know that probably most of all.

She inhaled sharply, her nostrils flaring, and tightened her hold on the gun and pulled it closer to herself. We made eye contact, but they wouldn't tell me anything. They were void of any emotion.

Except one, but I couldn't put a name to it. I did know that I had never seen that look in her eyes before, never seen her look so intensely at me. Was she trying to tell me something? I furrowed my brows in confusion.

Slowly, so slowly, I reached for the gun, never breaking eye contact with her. I could feel the warmth of her hand so close to mine, just about to grab hold of the weapon when she did something I had no idea she could do. Inhaling deeply she braced herself and vaulted over the back of the couch from her curled up position. I hadn't noticed it before, but smacked myself mentally for not recognizing it sooner - Bella was posed to strike or flee at any given moment as she sat on that couch. Now, she had managed to put an entire couch between us in an amazing act of agility I didn't think she possessed.

Still in the same position I was in before her jump, due to shock, I rose to my full height.

"What's the gun for, Bella?" I asked more forcefully.

"That's none of your business," she replied.

"Well, I think it is."

There was a fire in her eyes. An anger I couldn't understand.

"Give me the gun."

"No!" She, too, stood to her full height, releasing her tight double handed grip on the gun in favor of one hand. It didn't escape my notice that she was posing to strike. Perhaps at me.

I went to take a step towards her, but stopped when I heard a click from her flipping the safety.

"Okay," I said, raising my hands in surrender and stepped back to where I was standing a moment ago.

I could tell that this woman before me was scared. Of what, I didn't know. She was scared, and angry, and very obviously sad. I wanted so badly to help her escape it all. I wanted to help her with whatever she was going through in that moment of time.

"What happened, Bella?"

Her brown eyes clouded over with tears that threatened to fall almost immediately. Her shoulders sagged with whatever weight she was carrying. Back and forth her eyes darted between mine. I don't know what she was looking for, but I hoped that she found what she needed.

Without looking she clicked the safety back on, visibly relaxing her grip on the gun. She nodded her head once, shot me a resigned look, and about faced to exit the room. I thought about following her, but ultimately decided to stay where I was.

When she came back into the living room the gun was nowhere to be seen. Instead her trembling hands held something thin, like paper. Looking back at her face I noticed that she was pale. And the fear in her eyes was vast.

_Why is she so scared?_

She looked terribly uncomfortable, unsure and hesitant. She told me to sit down, and I obeyed, taking a seat on the couch and making sure to sit as far away from her position as possible so as not to agitate her. Her mouth drops open and she smacks her tongue as if her mouth was suddenly dry.

She moved closer to me, and the closer she got the more I could hear how ragged her breathing was. Whatever it was she was doing was wreaking havoc on her.

On the coffee table set in between us she dropped the paper from her quaking hand. I heard it land, but I did not move to look at it like I so wanted to do. Instead I kept eye contact with her, asking her with my eyes if it would be okay. She must have understood what I was asking because she nodded ever so slightly.

I leaned forward, pulling the sheet from the table. I inhaled sharply through my nose at the sight before me because the first thing I saw was Bella smiling. The first smile I had ever seen from her, and it was one from the past, but it still filled me with happiness. I couldn't reconcile the two versions of Bella. Couldn't understand what brought her to the being she was today.

Finally I took in the rest of the picture. I found that she wasn't alone in that moment of captured time. The man with her had a smile just as wide and bright as hers. He was much taller than her, and darker skinned. He was looking down at something, and I followed the path he looked. I saw something that shocked me so much that I gasped. This man had his hand over Bella's protruding belly, clearly swollen with a baby.

Immediately I had so many questions to ask, but didn't know where to start. I didn't have to though.

"His name was Jacob Black," Bella began, speaking slowly and carefully. "My husband. We knew each other since we were teenagers, even knew we'd get married before we'd even reached eighteen. He was an accountant. The picture… it was taken just days before the ac-" Her words cut off suddenly, and she struggled to finish the sentence. "Accident. The day before it happened we'd just learned the sex of our first baby. We were going to have a boy. Jake was so happy to be having a son." She smiled at the memory, and I was right, the room did brighten when she smiled.

She shook herself from the memory and locked eyes with me again, all the happiness gone.

"That night somebody lit our house on fire. Jake had lots of chemicals in the garage, and we had just painted hours before going to bed. We didn't get woken up until we were nearly trapped completely inside." She paused, swallowed hard as if the next words were caught in her throat. "In all the panic of trying to escape I tore the placenta…"

"Placental Abruption," I said out of habit, immediately upset with myself for interrupting her finally opening up to me.

She looked at me strangely. "… Right."

"I'm so sorry Bella, please continue."

It was a few moments before she said anything more, and when she did it was so quiet I had to strain to hear her.

"We only had one exit we could use because all the others we tried were blocked. Jake opened the door, pushing me through first but for some reason there was an explosion… It threw me out into the yard, but trapped Jake inside…." Her next words were stuttered. " If the baby wasn't dead already from the torn placenta, my landing certainly did the job… I could feel the baby's distress just before I blacked out…"

Bella paused again, most likely lost in her memories again. I didn't dare disturb her.

"When I woke up I didn't remember anything. It was like my mind blocked everything out that had anything to do with Jake or the baby. And then one day my colleague's wife came to visit. At the time she was just as pregnant as I was. It triggered something in my mind and forced all those memories to the forefront of my mind. The doctors had to sedate me, I was so hysterical… I stayed in that hospital for probably far longer than I should have been."

She chuckled darkly. "Probably thought I'd off myself."

Bella didn't say anymore after that, and neither did I.I just let everything I just learned mull over in my mind. I thought about how unfair it was for this obviously great woman to lose her family like she did. About how their unborn baby didn't even get a chance to live.

Suddenly it registered what she last said, and I had to ask, "Would you have?"

She looked me dead in the eye. I think she knew exactly what I was asking because replied with, "Probably."

I nodded. If I was in a similar situation that would probably be my answer too.

"Why didn't you?" I asked.

It was a full minute before she replied, "Because the people responsible are still alive."

…

**NPOV**

The phone rang shrilly, harshly disrupting the peacefulness of the large, overdone lobby. At the other side of the room the secretary worked to prepare a cup of coffee, but stopped when she heard the ringing. Leaving the cup where it was, she rushed to answer the phone, knowing that if it rang too many times her boss would fire her… or worse.

"Hello," she answered breathlessly.

The person on the other end of the line said nothing more than, " Laurent."

The secretary didn't respond, she only typed in the code for the connection to Laurent's office onto the phone's key pad. If business was important enough that it required the use of his actual name instead of his fake one she knew it would be best to patch the call through.

In his office all that could be heard was the sound of heavy breathing and skin slapping together. He worked feverishly to bring the random girl he'd brought in to climax. Right when both were about to finish his phone rang, distracting them from the moment.

Laurent growled in anger. He'd told the secretary to hold all his calls. He'd have her head for this fuck up.

The woman made the most annoying whining noise Laurent had ever heard when he slipped out of her.

As he slipped the condom off, throwing it in the trash, he answered his phone in a clipped tone, "Tony Jensen."

He heard the words, "The Lion is awake," before the distinct click of the line disconnecting traveled to his ear.

The blood drained from his face, his breath suddenly shallow. He felt cold. Those words were words he'd never thought he'd hear.

"What's wrong?" his whore asked.

Sucking in a deep breath in his nose he pierced her with a deadly glare.

Suddenly angry he yelled, "GET OUT!"

She recoiled in fear. He yelled for her to get out once more when she didn't make a move to leave. Laurent growled deep in his throat and quickly moved about the room picking up her clothes. He didn't give her time to put them on, he just thrust them into her arms and pulled her roughly to the door, shoving her out.

"Hey!" she screams, but all he did was slam the door in her face.

Laurent's jumbled mind froze him at the door. He knew he needed to do something now, but he could no longer remember.

He turned away from the door, scanned his office for something to remind him of what he was forgetting.

_The phone_, he thinks. _Something to do with the phones..._

Once he finally remembered he quickly dialed he number he needed.

"Hello."

"The Lion prowls," he said, and hung up.


	18. Chapter 18 Adrenaline

**I don't own anything.**

**Tima83** is the awesome woman who betas this story.

_

Chapter 18 - Adrenaline

**BPOV**

I couldn't believe I'd just told him that. Even worse? I couldn't believe how easy it all came out. Years of not speaking a word about what happened, not even to those I'd known my whole life, and I open up to the one person I kept pushing away. But when he asked me what happened today, I felt compelled to tell him the whole thing, And so I did.

I couldn't fucking help but feel better. Like the burden wasn't mine alone anymore, and that thought absolutely terrified me. I'd been fighting the guilt for years because my family was taking on a burden I didn't want them to. The more rational part of me knew that I couldn't control that. That they'd be taking it on no matter what because they lost Jake too. They lost the chance to get to know my son just as much as I did. It was the irrational part of me that held on to the guilt. But it was my fault that the fire happened, it was the dangers _my_ job that caused it. And so I let the guilt fester in my soul because I deserved it. Every fucking bit of it.

Now I felt guilt for having _any_ of my pain relieved. I didn't feel worthy.

"So, what was the gun for?" Dr. Cullen asked, breaking me from my inner turmoil.

I sighed. Now that I'd calmed down considerably I was regretting my actions from earlier. They were too rash.

"It's complicated," I sighed.

"I'm a doctor," he replied. "I think I can keep up."

I huffed, not wanting to share this, but knowing I had to, or he'd think I was suicidal. I wasn't… At least, at the moment.

"I had a lead, so I decided to check it out."

He looked at me with distrustful eyes. I felt like he was seeing right through me. I didn't fucking like it. It put me in unease.

"That's not all. What are you leaving out, Bella?"

_Fuck._

I stressed for a moment over how much to tell him, before realizing that there wasn't much he could do. He was a doctor, I was the fucking law.

"Fine. I was pissed the fuck off so I picked one of the leads I've had for over a year and went to her place."

"What was the gun for?" he asked more forcefully.

"Fuck!" I yelled, throwing my hands up in frustration. I was becoming really fucking angry again at the interrogation I was getting.

I shot out of my seat and began to pace furiously. My hand gripping my bangs in a fist.

"I was pissed, and I snapped. The gun was for the intimidation factor. I knew I wouldn't get any answers otherwise... Happy now?"

"… Sure."

"Sure," I scoffed incredulously. He asks the same fucking question over and over again, and all I get is a fucking 'sure'. Fucking ridiculous.

…

**EPOV**

She was glossing over details, I could tell. But I'd already pushed her enough. Anymore and I feared I'd lose any of the trust she has afforded me. I knew trust had to be a hard thing to get from her.

I didn't know what to do now. Did I just act like she didn't just tell me that she probably threatened someone's life?_Should_ I ignore it? I wasn't too sure about that.

Before I could get too deep in thought, though, I remembered that I'd brought food with me. I jumped up from the couch, startling Bella with my sudden movement. I mumbled a quick sorry as I grabbed the bag.

"Brought food," I said showing her the bag in my hand.

Sitting back down I pulled out all the food, laying it out on the table. Habitually I made sure to line the boxes up in straight rows. I heard a groan come from my left.

I turned to Bella asking, " What?"

"Why are you so OCD?"

"I'm not," I refuted.

"Yes. You are."

I looked back over at the containers, noting that not a single box was out of place.

"I bet," she continued. "That you do the exact same thing every single morning, noon, and night."

I scoffed, but cut short when I realized how right she was. I'd never noticed before just how extreme it was. Jasper had mentioned it before, but I never really took notice, or stock in it. I just shook my head at her, playing it off as a joke.

"Ugh!" I groaned, changing the attention off that topic. "I forgot the silverware."

Without a word Bella got up and moved to the kitchen, but not before she moved one of the boxes from it's alignment. She didn't even reach the kitchen before I was fixing what she did. She came back with a couple forks in hand giving one to me.

She looked back over to the food once she'd sat down, and a small laugh escaped. It made me smile. That is until her face dropped and paled, her laughter immediately ceasing.

After that I never heard a word out of her. It seemed like she was lost in her own little world. I asked her question after question trying to start any kind of conversation, but she just continued to eat, as if in a trance.

By the time we'd finished eating I needed to leave. I worried that leaving her alone was a mistake, but at the moment there was nothing I could do, so I left.

…

**BPOV**

As soon as the door shut behind him I let my inner panic seep out. I couldn't fucking believe that I let out a laugh. It scared the shit out of me that my carefully constructed walls were crashing without my permission. It's so much safer behind the walls, and they were coming down so fucking fast.

What was that man doing to me? I just wanted it to_ stop_.

In just a few short hours he'd managed to get me to talk about Jake, and even the baby whom I'd done my best to not even _think_ about. _And_ he got a small laugh out of me.

I felt worst about the laugh than telling him about what happened. I felt like I'd betrayed my deceased family by allowing even an ounce of happiness seep out with a man I could barely tolerate. A man whose reasons for coming around every single fucking day were impossible for me to fathom.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I was exhausted physically and emotionally from the day, but was too wound up now from the last few hours while Dr. Cullen was here. Before he'd arrived I was just so zoned out replaying over and over again the events from the afternoon. I regretted it, but couldn't help but feel like maybe I was a step farther to finding whoever burnt my house down, ultimately killing Jake and our son.

What would I do now if I found that person?

I didn't go to bed that night. I couldn't sleep even if I tried. I couldn't even get up off the couch.

…

I was so zoned out that I didn't hear everybody coming into my house until I was surrounded by my family.

Alice's voice stood out the most.

"Bella, are you okay?"

"Hmm?" I'd heard her words but they didn't register in my mind.

"Are you okay?" she repeated, her voice laden with concern.

I looked around at all the worried faces around me. I had to try and pull myself together. I managed to pull a small smile off for her.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

She didn't believe me, I could tell, but she moved to sit in a chair with Rose and Emmett.

"What are your plans for the day?" Emmett asked.

I didn't really know. The doctor had given me the okay to remove the sling, and that I could return to work as long as I didn't do anything strenuous with that arm. I had a feeling that Aro would not be letting me to come back to work, but I figured I should go tell him what the doctor said, and, if I was lucky enough, he'd come back.

"Just have to talk to Aro at some point. Why?"

Emmett grinned deviously. In an instant I was on edge, wary of what he could be up to.

"You'll see," he said.

…

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"C'mon, Bells! Just do it."

"Fuck you, Emmett," I snarled.

"We're all gonna do it, Bella," Rose inputted. I just glared at her for all I was worth.

"Even I'm going to do it, and I'm afraid of heights."

Well fuck, I thought. I knew how scared Alice was of heights. I couldn't say no now.

"Fine," I conceded, throwing my hands up in the air. The staff members sighed and quickly went to work, strapping us all up by the ankles. "Tell me why we're doing this, again, Emmett?"

"Because it's fun," he replied.

"Yeah, you need to have some fun for once," Rosalie added.

"It's been so long since you've had any that you need an extreme dose," Emmett continued.

I looked over the edge of the bridge worriedly. I wasn't scared of heights, but this was seriously pushing that fact.

"These ropes," I started, staring down the worker attaching me to the bungee cord. "They won't fucking break or be so long the you kill me, right?"

"Don't worry, Lady," the man said in a grisly voice and a slight hint of irritation at my words.

We were asked if we wanted to go individually, as a group, or in pairs. Emmett immediately declared that we'd be going more than once, but that we'd go as a group the first time. I didn't want to let it show, but I was fucking scared.

With some much needed help from the staff, we were all standing on the ledge. Alice was scared into silence and wouldn't answer any of Emmett's ridiculous questions.

Rose and Emmett had sandwiched Ali and me between them. I guessed it probably wasn't an accident.

"Jump in 3..." The staff began to yell all at once.

Alice yelled out, "NO!" with each number called aloud.

"2..."

"Fuck!" I screamed.

"1... JUMP!"

All at once Rosalie pulled me from the bridge as she jumped, catching me so completely off guard that I screamed right along with Alice. Together the four of us freefell for what seemed like an eternity, and just when I was sure that bastard up on the bridge had given me too much rope, it caught, allowing us to fall just a little bit farther before it shot us back up, only to drop us again and again.

"Whoo!" Emmett cheered. "That was fucking great!"

Yet again I surprised myself by smiling and laughing. Like last time I stopped myself as soon as I noticed. I looked around me to see if anybody noticed, and sure enough Alice, Rose, and Emmett were looking at me with the first content smile I've seen from them in years.

They surprised me though when they didn't point it out, instead acting like I hadn't stopped smiling and laughing all these years.

…

We jumped a few more times, even adding an extra jump at the request of a now fearless Alice. While I didn't let completely loose with my laughs, I also couldn't contain them due to the rush of the adrenaline high I was getting. I fought the feeling of guilt hard, yet again torn between feeling like I was betraying Jake, and feeling like I deserved it.

But seeing the light fully come back on in Alice, Rose and Emmett's eyes? I couldn't bring myself to take that from them. And so I laughed and smiled with them. I allowed myself these few hours with them to be carefree, to put aside my sadness, my anger, _myself_ so they could be happy.

I owed them nothing less…

…

Emmett took us all out to lunch afterwards before they took me to the Federal Probation offices. I dreaded the visit so much that by the end of lunch I couldn't have managed a smile even if it would have saved my life. I was very unsure of my immediate future at that point. I knew Aro's decision could go either way.

I had a little trouble getting through security because Aro had given them standing orders not to let me through, but after assuring them over and over that I was just there to speak with Aro the let me in.

"Bella" Aro greeted me enthusiastically, his arms wide and a huge smile on his face.

"Hi, Aro."

As he hugged me in his fatherly embrace he said, "To what do I owe the pleasure."

"I went to the doctor the other day," I began.

He moved to stand beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, and walked us to his office.

"Well, tell me what he said."

I sighed nervously. I really fucking needed this distraction. Work was the only place I felt normal. I really needed that back.

"He let me take off the sling… He also said I could come back to work if I didn't do anything strenuous with that arm."

"Hmmm," he hummed thoughtfully. Aro moved to sit in his chair, so I sat in one of the guest chairs. He steepled his fingers under his chin, staring me down. "Do you think you're ready to come back?"

"Yes. Yes I am." I was adamant about that.

…

Chapter End Notes:

Well, Bella has experienced some happiness. Will it continue?

chy3


	19. Chapter 19 Getting Back Up

Author's Chapter Notes:

So I know it's not a whole lot, but it's something right? And now FF is caught up to Twilighted.

I own nothing. It's all Stephenie Meyer's.

Tima83 betas for me and she is fantastic!

_

**Chapter 19 - Getting Back Up**

**EPOV**

She wasn't home. I panicked. The night before I'd found her clutching a gun, and today she wasn't even home. If she was there was no indication of it. The front door was locked, which was abnormal. She pretty much never locked it, as if she was looking for trouble, or just didn't care.

And so I panicked. I called her cell - a number I'd pilfered from one of her business cards that was lying about in her condo - to no avail. I tried Emmett next, but he didn't answer either. I had no other options, so I chose to pace furiously in front of her door. I tugged at my hair so much that I was certain I'd be bald soon.

I was so consumed in my worry that I didn't notice Emmett pulling up. I nearly him when his heavy hand fell on my shoulder.

"Whoa!" Emmett exclaimed, his hands now thrown up in surrender. "What's your malfunction?"

"Have you seen Bella?" I asked worriedly in a rush.

He point his thumb over his shoulder. "Yeah, she's right there." My gaze followed the direction he pointed, and I sighed heavily in relief. "What's the matter, bro?"

"J-just worried."

"'Bout what?"

He didn't know that I made daily visits, and I figured Bella would probably be very upset if I went and divulged that now. So I said, "She wasn't answering the door, or her phone. I thought something was wrong…"

"Ah," he said, looking at me strangely. "We were just celebrating."

"Celebrating what?"

"Come on inside." Rosalie, Alice and Bella were already inside. Through the window I could see Rosalie and Alice's smiling faces. They were beaming brighter that the sun. I wondered even more what the good news was.

Inside, Bella was leaning against the doorway of the kitchen. Her arms were folded across her chest, drawing my attention there for a moment. I tore my eyes away quickly when Emmett cleared his throat next to me. Embarrassed at being caught I apologized to him.

"Don't be. She's beautiful. I get that." He paused for the briefest of moments, his smile now a hard line. "But you're out of your mind if you think she'll return any feelings for you. As much as I'd love to see her move on, and with as great a guy as you, I just don't think it'll happen."

"You're wrong, Emmett. We're just friends. Plus, I don't do relationships."

Emmett slapped his hand on my shoulder and squeezed painfully. "In that case, don't even think about touching my sister. I may like you, but I will kill you if you mess with her." He raised his brow expectantly. "Got it!"

"Good." He smiled, about faced, and walked into the living room. I looked around to see if anybody noticed the exchange, especially Bella, and it seemed that nobody had.

I composed myself from the shock and joined everyone in the living room.

"So what's this good news I heard about?" I asked.

Alice clapped excitedly, bouncing in her seat, but it was Bella who answered. "Aro said I could go back to work as long as I followed the doctor's orders. These guys insisted we celebrate."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"We also had to celebrate Alice getting over her crippling fear of heights via bungee jumping," Rose added.

"Oh? When did you do that?"

"This afternoon," Alice answered, smiling, what Jasper would call, a big Texas grin.

I looked to Bella. "Did you do it, too?"

"Yeah," she replied, a light smile gracing her face. I beamed at that. I happened to look back towards Emmett, and he was glaring at me. Immediately my smile vanished.

Trying to break the tension I was feeling coming from Emmett I said, "Sounds like you guys have had a busy day?"

"Yup," Emmett said shortly. "So what did you come over for?"

He was fishing. I didn't feel like biting.

"Just wanted to come say 'hi.'"

"Uh-huh…"

I didn't want to leave, but felt that may I should. The tension between Emmett and I was really thick. Chokingly so.

Alice asked if I wanted to stick around and play board games with them, but I had to decline, making an excuse that I had to be up early. It wasn't true, but I'd overstayed my welcome in Emmett's eyes.

…

**BPOV**

Monday was my first day back. I was relieved at the distraction and normalcy it afforded me. But I was already stressed the fuck out. I hated playing catch up, and that's all I seemed to be doing. Every single one of my charges seemed to have something new in their files that needed to be addressed.

Even thought I was stressed beyond belief I still dreaded going back to my empty condo. Sure, I had Chelsea but I also had lots of time to think.

Always too much time for thinking.

Chelsea and I ended up going for a run for more than an hour. By the time we started heading back both of us were ready to collapse and sleep for the night.

I shouldn't have been surprised when we came around the corner and saw Dr. Cullen standing outside my door.

"Uh, hi," I said right behind him as Chelsea and I jogged toward him.

He startled and spun around to face us.

"Oh, hi, Bella."

We both stood awkwardly outside the condo. I had nothing to say and I had no clue what was wrong with him. He's never had a problem coming up with a topic of conversations before.

Chelsea was starting to whine between pants, so I knew I needed to get her inside to drink some water.

"I need to get Chelsea inside," I said breaking whatever trance had encapsulated Dr. Cullen.

"Oh! Sorry!"

Clumsily he shuffled out of the way letting me pass him to unlock the door. As soon as the door opened Chelsea tore across the hardwood, straight for her water bowl. Dr. Cullen chuckled behind me.

At a much slower pace I followed Chelsea to the kitchen grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.

Half way through the bottle Dr. Cullen said, "I didn't know you ran."

"Well I haven't been able to since I got shot so…" I trailed off needing not to say more.

"I see."

I checked the clock on the wall noticing the strangeness of the time and his arrival.

"You're earlier than normal."

"Yeah, it was a slow day at the hospital." He paused. "Sorry if I disrupted anything."

I wanted to say yes, that he indeed did, but that would be such a terrible lie. "You're not."

More awkward silence. There had of course been awkward silences before today with him, but something felt off. If I cared more I might have asked him about it.

"So, how was your first day back at work?"

"Fine."

"Just fine?"

If he'd of been asking about anything other than work I would have shut down at his prodding, but there wasn't anything too personal about my job.

"It was stressful trying to catch up, so yeah, it was just fine."

"Well okay then."

"Okay then."

Chapter End Notes:

So what did y'all think?


	20. Chapter 20 Knock Out

Well, I'm back. My hand is healed and the chapter is complete! I hope you like it as much as I do. This is a darker chapter, so be prepared.

I don't own anything.

Tima83 is my beta. I'm more than positive she's the greatest ever.

* * *

Chapter 20 - Knock Out

**EPOV**

Damn.

She was so beautiful. She was glowing in a way that just overwhelmed me completely. I was literally stunned into silence seeing her fresh from running, sweat glistening down her forehead and exposed flesh.

If I didn't want to be with her before I sure did now.

I was so stuck in my thoughts that I didn't realize how rude I was being by just standing there staring at her until she broke my train of thought. Even my feet were effected by her beauty - I all but stumbled over them trying to get out of her way.

There was so many more questions I had about her. I wondered idly how I could get her to open up to me and tell me about herself. It wouldn't be easy seeing as I'd already been trying since the shooting to get just a little information out of her.

I wanted to touch her. The urge was stronger than ever. I wanted to feel the heat of her skin. I wanted to touch her face, wipe the sweat from her temple.

I wanted to kiss her. An all consuming need to kiss her. I fought it, I'd be crossing some serious lines if I acted on those wants.

Probably looking like a creep to her I asked her how her first day back at work was. At least that's something that she'd talk about….

…

Later that evening I paced my house. My thoughts were running rampant. I was fighting my wants, knowing that they were wrong. Maybe not wrong, but improper.

After Tanya left me I said no more to relationships, that it would be unfair to any woman I tried to be with. Tanya was prime example. Time and time again I broke promises I had made to her because of my profession. It wasn't fair to her, and that's why she left. I didn't begrudge her that. She deserved better. She found better. And there was no hard feelings between us, just understanding. We loved each other, but we weren't meant for each other. Tanya nowadays was married to a great guy who kept his promises and loved her with all his heart. I was just glad that Tanya and I could remain friends, and that I get to see her be happy.

It was quite easy to stick to the no relationships rule I created for myself. And then came along Bella, this incredible woman who I was dying to get to know. I knew she was broken, and that she probably always would be, but that didn't stop me from feeling the way I did.

And I wasn't even completely sure how I felt about her. I knew I felt something for her though, and thus the crux of my predicament.

The other predicament would be that I had told Emmett that Bella and I were just friends, and that I didn't do relationships. He warned me not to hurt her, and I had no intentions of that. I liked Emmett a lot, and I didn't want for him to be able to call me a liar, and he would if I tried to pursue a relationship with Bella.

And so I paced, torn as ever. Try to have a relationship with Bella, or keep things as they were?

I knew a little of her story, so I knew she might flat out reject me. In fact I was quite certain of it. I knew she still grieved for the family she lost, I could see it in her eyes, in the way she carried her body. She was completely and utterly broken, and I was crazy enough to be the one who wanted to put her back together. I didn't even know why I wanted to do that, to put my own heart at risk, I just knew that I felt a connection to her that I couldn't explain even if I'd tried.

I went to bed that night with no conclusion. It made sleeping very difficult.

…

The next day was hell. I couldn't stop thinking about everything about her - Bella. I was dying to know what she was doing, how she was feeling, if she'd managed a smile.

Her smile… I was going to make her smile.

I was a terrible leader that day, certainly not setting an example. My mind kept wandering and I'd lose focus on whatever task I was doing, including speaking. More than a few times one of the other doctors asked me if I had a concussion. I certainly was acting like I had one. Maybe I did, Bella sure did hit me like a ton of bricks the day before with her effortless beauty.

I couldn't wait to leave this hospital and go see Bella and her crazy dog Chelsea. I used to dread the time when I'd have to leave work to go home, and now I couldn't wait till quitting time.

I admit it. I went over to Bella's early again, hoping to catch another glimpse of her after running. It was my favorite look of hers.

That was until I saw her in her full on work attire, something I hadn't seen her in since the shooting and at that time I didn't have the time to really take pause and notice what she was wearing considering the circumstance.

Bella parked in front of her condo, right next to my Volvo. I stood, slightly guilty for being so early again, in front of the front door.

She was dressed to kill. She almost looked like Laura Croft: Tomb Raider with the gun at her hip. I assumed she had a gun strapped to her ankle just like she did during the shooting.

She made her way towards me, shifting a briefcase on her shoulder.

"Dr. Cullen," she greeted.

"Bella."

As she passed me, opening the door, I placed a hand on the middle of her back. Bella looked over her shoulder at me and glared.

"Sorry," I said as I quickly removed my hand.

While she walked to the kitchen she said, "You're early… Again."

"Umm, yeah." I paused trying to think up an excuse. "Slow day at work."

She eyeballed me with suspicion. I hoped she couldn't see through the lie because I was, admittedly, a coward. She looked me up and down, then yelled, "Chelsea!"

She put some food out for the dog before she set her briefcase onto the table. My eyes just about flew out of my head when Bella started unbuttoning her dress shirt. I barely managed to catch them and shove them back in before she could notice the look on my face. I breathed a sigh of relief when I noticed she had her bulletproof vest on over a tank top. She sighed when the last Velcro strap came undone.

"Fuck that feels better," she said.

"Uncomfortable?"

"And hot… especially for this kind of heat.

She was so awesome, I wanted to make her mine.

"What?" she asked.

I quickly composed myself. "Nothing. Nothing. Umm, what'ya say I take us out to eat?"

"Uhh…"

"Just as friends," I hurried to amend. "Nothing fancy."

"Alright," she said slowly.

"Fantastic, I know just the place."

**BPOV**

"I thought you said nothing fancy?"

Dr. Cullen looked around. "This isn't."

"You're fucking kidding me right?"

Everywhere I looked people were dressed in suits and ties and shit. The women looked about ready for the red carpet for fucks sake! How could he mean this wasn't fancy? Where the fuck did he grow up?

He looked around, still not understanding. I about faced, bursting through the restaurant doors. I walked briskly down the sidewalk, no particular destination in mind but to get the fuck away. I know I pissed more than a few people off as I bumped into them not bothering to apologize or even fucking look in their direction.

Through the fog in my mind I vaguely heard Dr. Cullen calling after me. But I was too stuck in my head. I was angry. At him. At myself. At the world. How dare he take me there. We weren't even fucking friends. Much to his chagrin I'm sure. That… _place_ he took me to was too fucking intimate, too glamorous. I didn't belong there. I would never belong there.

"Bella, wait!"

"Fuck off."

I bumped into another person. A woman. She yelled, "Watch it, bitch!"

"Oh shut the fuck up, slut!" I shot back.

It didn't take her long to get in my face.

"What did you say?"

I looked her up and down, instantly knowing I could take her.

"You heard me," I seethed. The people around us continued on, but made a wide berth around us. I'm sure the tension was a thick, smoky cloud around us.

The bitch clawed at my face, surely leaving bloody scratch marks. My head tilted to the side from her blow, my hair covering my eyes. I smirked evilly, happy for the fight. I lunged, punching her right in the nose. Her hand shot instantly to my hair, pulling hard and making me cry out in pain. That shit hurt. I tackled her to the ground and we battled for dominance. She managed to get a few shots in, but she was no match for me.

After getting a few more shots in on her I felt large hands gripping my upper arms. I was lifted up and off the skank. Unfortunately for me nobody was restraining her so I ended up getting punched in the nose and I was powerless to fight back, so I flailed my feet hoping to catch her.

Whoever had a hold of me turned around, put me down and when I turned around towards where I knew that bitch would be I noticed that Dr. Cullen was now restraining the other woman. I owed her for that cheap shot to the nose, so I of course took my opportunity. I decided she needed her hair ripped out, but just when I was about to do it Dr. Cullen stopped me.

"Enough!" he yelled. "That's enough! Bella back off."

"Yeah, back off Bella," the skank snarked at me. "You don't know who you're fucking with."

I growled, lunging for her throat again, but of course Dr. Cullen was there to stop me.

"Bitch, you do know that you fucking assaulted an officer right?" I asked, somewhat rhetorically. I flashed the badge I carried around. Her face paled. Of course she didn't fucking know, I never announced myself as such, but didn't mean I wasn't willing to use that fact to my advantage. As it was I'd have to take a bleach bath to get the diseases from the whore off me.

Dr. Cullen went into full on doctor mode and started checking the bitch out, advising her to go to the hospital to get her nose checked out. I didn't have the patience for the bullshit, so I just left. After too many strange looks from the people on the sidewalk I decided to catch a cab.

…

**EPOV**

I was so overwhelmed by the day. I just couldn't understand what had happened. It was supposed to be a simple dinner out with Bella, and it turned into her storming off and ending up in a fight with some random woman. I just couldn't comprehend. I needed to get to her, find out what went wrong. But after dealing with the woman she fought with I couldn't find her anywhere. I didn't know enough about her to have any clue as to where she may have gone. She wasn't at her condo, and that's the only lead I had to go off of. If she wasn't there then I was screwed.

Starving and melancholy, I sat on her front porch, waiting, hoping that she would return soon. I wouldn't leave that porch until I talked to her. I would even call one of the other doctors to work for me tomorrow if I had to.

Hour after hour passed by with no sign of her. So much time passed that I actually started to worry for Chelsea. She probably had to go outside by now, perhaps even starving for food too.

Midnight came and went. My eyelids grew heavy the longer I sat there waiting. My stomach was beginning to growl loud and persistently, but I refused to move. I don't know when I fell asleep. The sun rising woke me though. By that time I was worried beyond belief about Bella. I checked the time - 6:33AM. I called in another doctor to take over for me. I knew today would be a long and stressful day.

Finally around 11AM a cab pulled up in front of the condo. Bella stepped out looking worse for wear with bruises and blood all over her. She'd obviously yet to clean herself up. I wondered if she'd even stepped in front of a mirror since the fight.

Her head hung low, so I didn't notice the bloodshot eyes till she was feet away from me, searching for the right key to get into the condo. She was startled by my presence, since I hadn't made any attempt at moving from my spot.

"You've been crying," I stated.

She looked down again. The sadness on her face, and in her posture nearly killed me. I ached to fix her and her broken heart.

"What do you want?" she asked in a defeated tone.

"I want to help you Bella… I want to be there for you."

She looked up at me slowly, her eyes absolutely dead.

"I don't need your help, and I don't want you around."

I took in a sharp breath, utterly hurt by her words.

"I don't understand. What happened yesterday?"

She scoffed. "I'm not your girlfriend, _Dr. Cullen_. And you sure as hell can't just magically fix me. I don't want to be fixed. No amount of time you spend here at my place trying to break down my walls will work. You need to give up and move on to the next charity case, 'cause I don't fucking need you here. Now get out of my way."

I was speechless. She'd never been so blunt to me before. I didn't want to believe a word she said, but how could I not? It's not like I actually knew her. Not like all my efforts have really gotten me anywhere.

So hurt, I stood up, dusted off my pants and walked down the steps to where she stood, a blank mask on her face.

"I'm sorry," I said in a small, choked voice, and continued on past her where I got into my car and drove away a broken man.

* * *

AN: Have some faith! I promise I won't ruin everything! I foreshadowed in this chapter somewhere. Can you find it? And what was Bella doing all that time?


	21. Chapter 21 Shake It Out

My apologies for taking so long to upload here on FFn. Literally every time I get on here to upload another chapter it's changed somehow on how to upload the darn thing. Grr.

Tissue warning, because I was misting up just writing about it. I almost ended the story in this chapter. I could have, except Bella still has so much to say and we still have a mystery to solve.

This chapter is completely in Narrator POV, but plenty is going on. I hope you enjoy.

**I do not own anything. **

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Chapter 21 - Shake It Out

Stagnant [stag-n_uh_nt] adj.

1. Not flowing or running, as water, air, etc.

2. Stale or foul from standing, as a pool of water.

3. Characterized by lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement

4. Inactive, sluggish, or dull.

Synonyms: lazy, dormant, inert, lifeless, dead.

**Narrator POV**

They floated through their lives for weeks, both crushed by life - by the other's absence in their lives. Edward still couldn't understand what had happened. But he respected her wishes and left her alone. It killed him a little more everyday not to see her. He wondered often if she was eating enough, if she was alright. He missed her like crazy.

Bella denied herself harshly that all familiar feeling of absence. She missed the good doctor, but couldn't even admit it to herself. Her family could see that she was having difficulty keeping up the normal façade she had prepared for them. She couldn't hide the sadness anymore, and her resolve was wearing thin.

Truth was, she felt more alone than she's ever felt since the death of her budding family. It didn't matter that her family still came around - and often. She just couldn't figure out when Edward had stolen a piece of her heart. Couldn't understand how he took it when she wasn't willing to give up any of it. She had thought there was nothing left to steal in the first place.

She visited Jake's grave almost daily now. At first she spoke of her hate for Edward, and how he weaseled his way into her life. Then things started changing as the days went on. She'd realized that it wasn't him she was mad at. She was mad at herself. Even mad at Jake. Had he not pushed her out of the house and just exited at the same time she wouldn't be sitting there wishing he could tell her what to do. He would be telling her what she should do.

As she sat in front of his tombstone, countless tears falling down her face, she begged him to send a sign.

"What do you want from me?" she cried to the heavens.

She sat for a long while in the silence of the graveyard, listening for something. Anything. She just needed Jake to give her advice, like he'd used to do all the time before he died.

It was as she stood up and began to leave that she finally heard it. The wind blew, and the leaves of the trees rustled. It was in that moment she could have sworn she'd heard Jake's voice.

"Be happy," she thought she heard. But that was absurd. So she shook it off, and continued on and out past the gate.

That night, as she lay wide awake for another countless night, she couldn't get those words out of her head. "Be happy." She didn't want to be happy. Not without her love, Jacob. Not without their baby.

She couldn't help but look at the empty space next to her on the bed. She could imagine it with clarity of Jake's smiling face, looking down at their son laying between them. She wanted it so bad. Wouldn't Jake want her up there in heaven with the two of them? She thought about asking the illusion next to her on the bed that very question.

She watched the ghost of her family for another minute. Reveled in the sound of Jake's laugh as their son smiled and made funny faces to his daddy. Jake pulled their son into an embrace, and together they looked at Bella.

"Just do what makes you happy, Bella." It's words she'd heard come from his mouth a million times. They used to give her strength, but on this night they only broke her down. She knew that if she were the one who'd died and not Jake she'd want him to be happy. She just didn't want to admit to it.

Her tears washed away the vision she had created before her, and all that was left behind was empty space beside her. The warmth was taken and left behind was a cold vacuum.

Bella grieved for days after that. It felt as fresh as it had years ago. She hurt so badly that she almost answered to the call of the blade. But every time she came close she'd picture the smiling faces of her love and the product of their love, and she just couldn't.

Her job was no longer the escape she could count on. Unwanted thoughts would creep in and she'd lose focus on her work. It was becoming a nuisance, and Aro was noticing this big change in her - the change she couldn't explain.

When she started being honest with herself she realized that she needed to fix this. She needed to talk to Edward. She was terrified. It'd been so incredibly long since she'd let someone in like she knew she'd have to let him in. Sure she'd told him some things she hadn't been ready to before, but this seemed different. This time she needed to divulge some more personal information. She'd have to actually allow Edward to see her - the real her.

She wanted to curse that moment in her room when the vision of Jake told her to do what makes her happy. She couldn't disappoint Jacob, not even her own made up vision. Damn her subconscious.

…

Countless times Edward found himself driving to Bella's condo without realizing what he was doing. He'd never felt this feeling of loss before. Of being lost to his own self. His best-friend Jasper could tell he was depressed, and he'd tried to help him, but every time Edward would refuse. He wasn't ready for help yet.

Everyday, Edward would get up and do his normal routine, but it was changed, as he had been. No longer did he fuss endlessly over the perfection of his tie. His meticulousness had collapsed into a laziness completely uncharacteristic for him. He remained clean cut, but was just more relaxed. Whether it was something that would turn out to be for the better still remained to be seen.

…

"How long are you going to stay in this limbo, Edward?"

"I don't know."

"I've never seen you like this."

Edward remained silent, head bowed in grief.

"Look, you deserve to happy more than anybody I know. You can't let this get you down for too much longer."

Anger sparked like a flame in Edward's eyes.

"Shut up," he whispered in warning.

"All I'm saying is that you can't let yourself get depressed over this when there is someone out there who will love you like you deserve."

"Shut up!" he screamed. The heat in his glare would have burned Jasper down in a second had it been possible. "You don't know anything about her. You've never even seen what she looks like, so how could you even remotely tell me anything about what I should and shouldn't do? Huh? And who are you to tell me she isn't worth it? Perhaps it is her that doesn't deserve the life I would give her. Did you ever think about that? Who's to say that a relationship I'd have with Bella would be any better or healthier than the one I had had with Tanya?"

"I'm just trying to be your friend here. She's already hurt you once, don't let her do it again."

Edward abruptly stood, suddenly in Jasper's face.

"Stay. Out. Of. It," he seethed.

Beyond angry, Edward marched from Jasper's office and into the night.

…

She breathed hard, raggedly gasping for a breath to sustain her courage. The lack of oxygen threatened to pull her under. She hyperventilated with fear. It'd been so long since she'd done something this brave. Standing, there, on his doorstep, she shook, utterly terrified of making that first move. She had to make things right with him. She had to fix their tenuous friendship - if it ever really was a friendship.

Bella knew she had to change. She had to. She finally felt as if Jake expected it of her, and she wouldn't let him down again. She wasn't fooled, she knew it would be hard. Extremely hard, and she also knew she would mess up and hurt her support. Again. She would start with Edward. But first, she had to work up the courage to knock on the door.

Chelsea whined next to her, nudging her hand in encouragement.

She knocked with a shaky hand. No answer. She knocked again. Utterly sad she turned and sat on the front steps defeated with a huff. She laid her head in her hands, her elbows resting on her knees. Chelsea whimpered, licking her owners face. Bella slipped an arm over her to pull her close and laid her head on Chelsea's.

That is how Edward found the duo five minutes later as he walked up. He stopped dead in his tracks from surprise. He thought he'd never see Bella and her crazy dog ever again. It was a very happy surprise, and after his conversation with Jasper it was the balm that soothed his soul.

"Bella?"

Her head snapped up and her face paled. She was even more scared because she knew she'd have to speak.

"Dr. uh," she cut herself short. Correcting herself she said, "Edward."

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I, uh, I just -" Bella didn't know what to say. How to start this conversation. "I'm sorry for what I said to you. I shouldn't have said those things."

Edward was silent. He didn't have a response to that.

Bella stared off into the distance, trying to find the right words to say. Finally after a few longs minutes she says, "I know I'm a bad person…"

"No you're not, Bella," Edward interrupted.

"Please. This is hard for me to say, so please don't interrupt." Reluctantly, he nodded. "I am a bad person, Edward, because I've done nothing for the past few years but hurt my family and friends. And then you. You come along and push yourself into my life. You're nothing but an innocent bystander who I've been nothing but rude to. I'm a bad person for this. I'm so incredibly mad at the world for taking my husband and baby from me, that I end up taking that frustration out on everyone around me. It's wrong. I know that. It's time for that to change."

Bella began to cry softly. Ever so slightly Edward took a step forward, wanting to comfort her and catch her tears.

"I have a lot to work through. I won't change overnight, and I'll probably hurt everybody still, but I want to try and fix things. I have to start with you. But you have to understand that I'm damaged. I'm depressed. You're a doctor so you probably already figured that out, just like you've probably already figured out that I've self-harmed." She looked into his eyes to check, and he nodded. Tears flowed a little heavier.

"Edward." Here was the big moment. She sucked in a huge breath, gathering every ounce of courage she could. "For years I've wanted nothing but to be dead." At this Edward's own tears began to fall. "But I don't want that anymore… I can't leave my family behind. I can't."

Bella began to sob. This broke Edward's resolve. He shot forward and sat next to her, pulling her into his embrace.

"Shh, Bella. I'll be here for you. I'll help you. Shh."

The sky fell into darkness as Edward, Bella and Chelsea sat on the steps. Bella had finally opened up, finally asked for that help she so desperately needed but hadn't known she wanted. Rain began fall out of nowhere, cleansing her soul for a fresh start.

…

Shrouded all in black, the group - 5 strong - crept across the yard under the cover of night. They'd been waiting for this moment for weeks. Tonight was their night to strike.

One of them stepped up to the door, picking the lock while the rest kept a look out. At the sound of the click of the lock coming free they were in action, invading the house systematically. Drawers were opened, papers were shuffled and thrown about. Furniture was over turned, cabinets opened and ransacked.

They didn't take any money, nor jewelry. Nothing of value. No, this group… they were after a piece of paper.

A hand shot up into the air holding a few sheets of paper covered in ink circles. Wordlessly the five invaders exited the house and into the rain.

* * *

Chapter End Notes:

I want to know how everybody felt about her finally opening up and asking for help. Did I do okay?

'Shake It Out', 'Blinding' and 'No Light, No Light' by Florence and the Machine were huge inspirations for this chapter.

JSYK, my beta just had a baby so on top of how long it takes me to write a chapter it'll take a week for her to validate the chapters. So please be patient :)

Don't forget to review!  
M.


	22. Chapter 22 Zero To Sixty

Things are going to start happening pretty quickly here. I have **Disrepair** outlined out for 2 chapters, plus the epi. **_There will be a sequel._** It will be much lighter than this story was, but it won't be without its own hard times.

So, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

**I do not own Twilight, or its characters.**

**Tima83 betas this story, and does an absolutely fabulous job. :)**

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Chapter 22 - Zero To Sixty

**EPOV**

We sat outside in that rain for an hour until Bella cried herself to sleep in my arms. Chelsea nudged me, giving out a small whimper. I took the hint and carried Bella into my house. I took her straight to my room and laid her down on the bed. Taking a step back I wondered how to get her out of the wet clothes she was in without waking her up. I decided I couldn't make a plan, so I just dove right in. Miraculously, she slept through me stripping her down to her underwear.

_God_, she was beautiful. She was _the_ most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my life. The scars on her body only added to it. From the ones lining her wrists, the one on her stomach, and the one on her shoulder. Even the tiny ones that scattered across various parts of her body made her all the more gorgeous to me. They told a story. A story I was dying to know. I vowed right then that, one day, I would.

I managed to control my body's reactions to seeing her so bare. Once she was tightly tucked beneath the covers of my bed, I went and took care of my own wet clothes.

As I laid on the couch that night I wondered what the next day would bring. What the future would bring.

I couldn't answer those questions, but I did know I was going to be there for Bella.

Always. Because I was falling more and more for her with every new detail she revealed about herself. I'd do my best to never take that for granted.

**BPOV**

**April 28, 2010 8:12AM**

I couldn't understand why I was being woken up by the sunlight because I always had a black out curtain on my bedroom window. I also wondered why I hadn't had any nightmares. As I gained more awareness I realized that this bed was much softer than my own. I stretched but stopped suddenly when I realized that I was just in my bra and panties. My eyes shot open, and I panicked for a moment at the strange surroundings.

I looked around for my clothes frantically and found them folded neatly on the trunk at the foot of the bed. I put them on, and walked tentatively out of the room.

The walls were sterile color tones. Similar to what one would see in a hospital. There was minimal picture frames hung, and they were of people I'd never seen, but looked familiar. They reminded me of Edward. I guessed that they must be of family.

The hallway I was in led me to a small staircase and into the living room. It looked empty, so I ventured further in, parking myself in a love-seat. Relaxing into the soft cushions I noticed Edward sleeping on the couch. He looked so peaceful there. I wish I could feel that same peace in my sleep again.

Slowly, I let yesterday's events seep into my mind. I couldn't help but feel uneasy and hopeful at the same time.

I watched Edward sleep for I don't know how long. I admired his ability to relax. I wondered what would happen next, and if I would be able to make it through it in one piece.

Edward woke up with a groan, stretching with a grimace. Sleeping on the couch like that couldn't have been any kind of comfortable.

After a few moments he finally noticed me sitting in the love-seat. He said, "Hey."

"Hey," I replied back with an equally grisly voice.

"How long have you been up?"

I shrugged.

"Are you hungry?"

Again, I shrugged. I didn't feel that pang of hunger.

Edward sat up, making another groan. "Well, I'll go make us something."

I followed him to the kitchen, taking a seat at the table there. I played mindlessly with the place mat as he did his thing.

"Is there anything you want specifically?" he asked.

"No."

"Okay," he said, turning back to his task.

The silence was somewhat awkward, filled with so many unspoken questions that I knew he must be dying to know the answers to.

A bit later, he set a plate in front of me filled high with scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and hash browns. My stomach grumbled with hunger at the smell. I waited till Edward sat at the table with me before I ate, though.

"This is really good," I complimented.

"Thank you." He smiled. It was crooked, and odd. Yet charming in it's own right. I decided I liked it.

I nodded, uncomfortable with that particular exchanging of words. I wasn't use to it anymore and it was awkward for me because of it.

We didn't say anything more for the rest of the meal, much to my relief. But afterwards the strain was almost unbearable; neither of us wanting to broach the subject that needed to be discussed.

But finally, Edward did.

"Bella, what happened last night?"

I sighed nervously. "Yesterday was - uh - it was," I had to pause to clear the sudden blockage in my throat, "It was the fourth anniversary of my husband and," pause, "my baby's death."

"Oh," he said. He was quiet for a minute before continuing, "What made you come here though?"

I turned my head down and away.

"You'd think I was crazy if I told you that."

"Try me."

I was shocked by his response to say the least.

Could I tell him the truth? Should I? Or could I get away with telling a lie? Fuck, would it even be possible to find a lie that would work? I wasn't sure.

"Hey, I can see you warring with yourself over there… Stop it. You can trust me, Bella."

Edward placed his hand over mine on the table, igniting a spark in my own hand. Nobody had really touched me for years, and it was shocking and made my heart beat faster.

I stared down at his hand atop mine for a bit before speaking, "I know I can. I know. I'm just not ready to tell you that yet."

"Alright. Fair enough."

"Fuck, where's Chelsea?" I'd forgotten that I had brought her with me last night, and it seemed Edward had as well judging by the suddenly pale look on his face.

…

**EPOV**

I'd forgotten that she'd brought her dog along. Luckily we found her easy enough, exploring the second floor of my house. Since we were up here I decided to give Bella a tour of the house. It was large. Too large for just one person. Especially someone like me who is alone most of the time.

She didn't comment the whole time. Not until I'd shown her everything.

"It's uh," she said pausing, as if she was contemplating her next words. "It's a nice place."

"Yeah. I know it's not much but…"

"No, no. It's you. It's very… _you_."

I didn't comment. I just enjoyed seeing her inside my house, and how she made it seem more like a home simply by being in it. I watched her look around. I could see the clogs turning in her head.

"What are you thinking," I implored, startling her.

She was quiet a moment before saying, "I was just thinking about how completely opposite we are… I mean," she huffed incredulously. "Your very straight-laced. And… I'm not. My life is dangerous. Every day I wake up knowing I may not wake up tomorrow. And you… _don't_. How could you want to get involved in any way with someone like that? Why would you be friends with the epitome of danger? Of recklessness?"

I pursed my lips thoughtfully. I could see the panic in her eyes, and I knew I needed to respond candidly.

"Bella. How could I not want you in my life? Risks and all? You make me reevaluate my life. This it's okay to let loose sometimes."

She looked uncomfortable standing there after our exchange of words, so it was no surprise that she changed the subject.

She pointed to the wall and asked, "Who are these people?"

"My parents, Carlisle and Esme. They're both doctors, though you wouldn't know it by looking at their everyday clothes." They both wore leather jackets and jeans. Both owned a motorcycle. They made sure to enjoy life. I often wished I could easily do the same. I continued, "My dad is an Intensive Care Specialist, and my mom is an OB/GYN."

"They look familiar," she said all of a sudden after having been quiet for quite some time. She had been staring at the pictures with an odd expression. Much like she was trying to remember something.

…

Even though I had left Jasper's house angry the night before, I called him, asked for his help. I knew I was a bit over my head with Bella. I could only do so much for her. He would be able to help her in ways I probably never could. So I called him to come over and talk with her. She was reluctant at first, but finally allowed it.

I don't know what they talked about. They had shut themselves in my office to talk, and I had no desire to eavesdrop. If she wanted to tell me she would do it in her own time.

A couple hours later they emerged from the office. Bella's eyes were puffy and red from crying. But somehow she looked lighter now than I'd ever seen her before.

"How'd it go?" I inquired.

"Good," Jasper spoke. He turned to Bella, gave her a smile and said, "Call me when you're ready."

She nodded, and walked to the bathroom.

"Thanks, Jas."

He didn't speak, just looked at me.

"I get it now," he finally said.

And then he left with a pat on my shoulder, and a nod of the head. I knew we were cool again, last night already forgotten.

Ten minutes later Bella walked back into the room, looking fresher than when she went into the bathroom. She shyly stood at the end of the hallway, her hands tugging on her shirt hem.

"You okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah."

"Bella, I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you if you ever need me, okay?"

"Okay."

"Alright, you ready to go?"

"Yep."

I followed behind Bella in my car to her condo. She needed to feed Chelsea, and we needed to talk about what she was going to do next. But when we got there Bella exited her car with her pistol drawn and Chelsea right at her heels. I couldn't figure out why, until I looked at her front door and saw her front door ajar.

Quickly and quietly I made my way over to her, panicked now. She waved me behind her and I obeyed right away. My adrenaline raged as I followed her closely. Slowly, she pushed open the door, peeking in tentatively. Taking a hand off her gun she snapped her fingers and Chelsea shot into the house. Bella followed a bit slower, and I trailed behind.

What I saw inside shocked me. The place was an absolute wreck. Nothing was where it belonged. Once Bella had made sure there was nobody inside she started shuffling through things, making an even bigger mess. She mumbled under her breath, more than a few curse words escaping.

"What are you looking for?" I asked when I noticed that she was getting extremely irritated.

"Papers," she snapped.

"What kind of papers, maybe I can help."

At that point she slammed her hands down onto the desk in the office we were in. "FUCK," she screamed.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"They're missing."

"What is?"

"The papers. The ones with names on it. I had written down a bunch of names of who I thought was involved in the fire all those years ago, and now they're gone. Just fucking gone."

She looked panicked, pulling relentlessly on her hair.

"It's okay," I said trying to sooth her.

"It's not okay, Edward."

"Well, what does this mean then?"

"Means I was on the right track…"

…

**BPOV**

Edward helped me clean up the mess. I mostly swore aloud to whoever did this. I was beyond pissed because without those papers I had nothing and would have to start all over again. I hadn't memorized the information I had written down. Hadn't thought I'd need to. I didn't know what to do, but I did know that I needed to be careful because they were aware I was on to them. Hopefully they'd come to me since I couldn't go to them. Question was, how could I possibly bait them?

Every now and again I'd hear Edward chuckle after one of my particularly long chains of cuss words. I hated to admit it, but it really did lighten my mood somewhat.

Later tonight Jasper would be coming over, along with Edward and my family, to help us all through what we haven't been able to do for four years now - heal. We all needed his professional advice, but me especially. In our talk earlier in the day he stressed over and over the importance of my family being involved. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I knew it was what was best for everybody. I just had to remember that I was the one asking for help, and to keep an open mind.

**LATER**

The meeting with Jasper was over, everyone was now just mingling with each other. I could tell that already the pressure had lightened off all their shoulders. Every single person had gotten a chance to express how they felt, and say what they expected to come out of these meetings. We didn't get to anything deep, which was a relief. Jasper just gave us some general advice to start us off, saying he'd give more specific ones in the following sessions.

Jasper was making rounds at the moment, making sure to chat with everybody for a few minutes. He especially got along with Emmett, and I could easily I see him, Em and Edward forming a trio.

But it was his interaction with Alice that puzzled me. There was a different kind of vibe coming from them. Somewhat more intimate than a budding friendship. The way they looked at each other was not at all unfamiliar to me. I could recognize it because there were many pictures of Jake and me looking at the other in the same manor. I hoped for Alice's sake that he wasn't a heartbreaker. She deserved to find her soul mate.

Edward came up beside me, still watching everybody mingle, and said, "How are you feeling about all of this?"

I thought hard about it. How did I feel?

"Relieved…" I replied.

…

**BPOV**

**2 Weeks Later**

There were very few details I could recall from the papers that had been stolen. I asked around about the ones I could remember best, their profiles sticking out the most. By doing this I could only hope that I poked the right bear in the process. I was ready for the conclusion of all this shit.

I hadn't realized how reckless I had been until I walked into my condo one night and a gun was suddenly pressed to the back of my head.

"Give me your gun," the guy ordered.

I cursed under my breath at myself for my idiocy. I started reaching for my weapon when another man stepped in front of me pointing his own weapon.

"Slowly," he warned.

I hadn't planned on actually giving up my weapon, but now I had no choice. I could take out the guy behind me but Guy Two was too far away for me to react fast enough. He'd quickly have the upper hand, and it would all be over before it had even began. I wasn't okay with that, so I did as I was told and handed my gun over slowly. They didn't need to know about the one on my ankle, though, so I kept that one right where it was.

Guy Two went to my kitchen and grabbed a chair, bringing it to the living room.

"Sit," he said as he pointed me to the chair. Guy One shoved me towards it and then proceeded to tie me to it. Lucky for me he was dumb and didn't tie my hands and feet up. Just the top of shoulders and torso. My bulletproof vest was still on from being at work all day. They didn't know it, but they didn't exactly have the upper hand here either.

Neither of the butt-ugly men spoke, they just stood there staring at me for the longest time. I thought about making a move, but I was morbidly curious about where this was all going.

"Tell me," I began. "How did you two end up so ugly?"

"I'm not ugly," said Guy One as if being ugly had never crossed his mind before. He took a threatening step towards me.

Guy Two snarled and pushed his gun painfully to my skull.

"Ouch," I deadpanned. That's when a feminine voice suddenly came from behind us.

"Now, now. Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum, you know better than to go against my orders," she clucked. They quickly took a couple steps back, away from me.

A moment later a woman, flaming red hair, and a biker woman stare, stepped in front of me in her leather jacket, tight as fuck jeans, and fuck-me boots.

"Well-well, look at the trouble you've fallen into now. It's Isabella, right?"

I didn't acknowledge the question, she already knew the answer. You could see it in her smirk.

"I'm Victoria," she said in an almost formal way, as if we were going to be friends one day.

We stared each other down until the door burst open with a _bang!_, startling us all.

Men, wielding guns of their own, practically threw Edward inside, making him trip and fall to his hands and knees on my hard wood floor.

I thought, _fuck, why couldn't he for once just not show up?_

As he stood up I noticed the bruises forming on his face. This was no longer some fucked up game we were playing, this shit just became real and I was beyond fucking pissed. I was so fucking angry that they'd laid a single hand on Edward. It wasn't fucking right, and I would kill them all the second they gave me the opening.

"Oh, look Isabella. It's your boyfriend. You know, I'm stunned that you've moved on so quickly since that awful fire that took your beloved Jacob, and your guys' baby. How do you think Jacob would feel?"

"You FUCKING BITCH," I screamed, my voice cracking from the high pitch. I strained against the rope holding me down on that stupid fucking chair. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"You sure can try, honey, but I don't think you can because I'm just too well protected. So don't flatter yourself."

Without looking away from me she snapped her fingers and the goons tied Edward up right next to me. He groaned in pain from the injuries he'd sustained from their beating earlier, and they certainly weren't being very gentle about tying him up.

This only angered me more. My heart rate was spiking, and my muscles lay tense beneath my skin. I was ready to snap.

"Are you okay?" I asked Edward.

He groaned very softly as he turned his head to look at me and said, "I'm fine."

He was fucking lying, and I was going to fucking kill the ones who dared hurt anymore people in my life. They'd pay for Jacob's and our baby's death. And everything that happened after.

_Fucking today._

Chapter End Notes:

Two chapters and an epi left. FYI chapter 23 will be revealing EVERYTHING about the little mystery lining the story. I hope it surprises you. Theories?

M.

Things are going to start happening pretty quickly here. I have **Disrepair** outlined out for 2 chapters, plus the epi.**_There will be a sequel._** It will be much lighter than this story was, but it won't be without its own hard times.

So, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

**I do not own Twilight, or its characters.**

**Tima83 betas this story, and does an absolutely fabulous job. :)**

Chapter 22 - Zero To Sixty

**EPOV**

We sat outside in that rain for an hour until Bella cried herself to sleep in my arms. Chelsea nudged me, giving out a small whimper. I took the hint and carried Bella into my house. I took her straight to my room and laid her down on the bed. Taking a step back I wondered how to get her out of the wet clothes she was in without waking her up. I decided I couldn't make a plan, so I just dove right in. Miraculously, she slept through me stripping her down to her underwear.

_God_, she was beautiful. She was _the_ most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my life. The scars on her body only added to it. From the ones lining her wrists, the one on her stomach, and the one on her shoulder. Even the tiny ones that scattered across various parts of her body made her all the more gorgeous to me. They told a story. A story I was dying to know. I vowed right then that, one day, I would.

I managed to control my body's reactions to seeing her so bare. Once she was tightly tucked beneath the covers of my bed, I went and took care of my own wet clothes.

As I laid on the couch that night I wondered what the next day would bring. What the future would bring.

I couldn't answer those questions, but I did know I was going to be there for Bella.

Always. Because I was falling more and more for her with every new detail she revealed about herself. I'd do my best to never take that for granted.

**BPOV**

**April 28, 2010 8:12AM**

I couldn't understand why I was being woken up by the sunlight because I always had a black out curtain on my bedroom window. I also wondered why I hadn't had any nightmares. As I gained more awareness I realized that this bed was much softer than my own. I stretched but stopped suddenly when I realized that I was just in my bra and panties. My eyes shot open, and I panicked for a moment at the strange surroundings.

I looked around for my clothes frantically and found them folded neatly on the trunk at the foot of the bed. I put them on, and walked tentatively out of the room.

The walls were sterile color tones. Similar to what one would see in a hospital. There was minimal picture frames hung, and they were of people I'd never seen, but looked familiar. They reminded me of Edward. I guessed that they must be of family.

The hallway I was in led me to a small staircase and into the living room. It looked empty, so I ventured further in, parking myself in a love-seat. Relaxing into the soft cushions I noticed Edward sleeping on the couch. He looked so peaceful there. I wish I could feel that same peace in my sleep again.

Slowly, I let yesterday's events seep into my mind. I couldn't help but feel uneasy and hopeful at the same time.

I watched Edward sleep for I don't know how long. I admired his ability to relax. I wondered what would happen next, and if I would be able to make it through it in one piece.

Edward woke up with a groan, stretching with a grimace. Sleeping on the couch like that couldn't have been any kind of comfortable.

After a few moments he finally noticed me sitting in the love-seat. He said, "Hey."

"Hey," I replied back with an equally grisly voice.

"How long have you been up?"

I shrugged.

"Are you hungry?"

Again, I shrugged. I didn't feel that pang of hunger.

Edward sat up, making another groan. "Well, I'll go make us something."

I followed him to the kitchen, taking a seat at the table there. I played mindlessly with the place mat as he did his thing.

"Is there anything you want specifically?" he asked.

"No."

"Okay," he said, turning back to his task.

The silence was somewhat awkward, filled with so many unspoken questions that I knew he must be dying to know the answers to.

A bit later, he set a plate in front of me filled high with scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and hash browns. My stomach grumbled with hunger at the smell. I waited till Edward sat at the table with me before I ate, though.

"This is really good," I complimented.

"Thank you." He smiled. It was crooked, and odd. Yet charming in it's own right. I decided I liked it.

I nodded, uncomfortable with that particular exchanging of words. I wasn't use to it anymore and it was awkward for me because of it.

We didn't say anything more for the rest of the meal, much to my relief. But afterwards the strain was almost unbearable; neither of us wanting to broach the subject that needed to be discussed.

But finally, Edward did.

"Bella, what happened last night?"

I sighed nervously. "Yesterday was - uh - it was," I had to pause to clear the sudden blockage in my throat, "It was the fourth anniversary of my husband and," pause, "my baby's death."

"Oh," he said. He was quiet for a minute before continuing, "What made you come here though?"

I turned my head down and away.

"You'd think I was crazy if I told you that."

"Try me."

I was shocked by his response to say the least.

Could I tell him the truth? Should I? Or could I get away with telling a lie? Fuck, would it even be possible to find a lie that would work? I wasn't sure.

"Hey, I can see you warring with yourself over there… Stop it. You can trust me, Bella."

Edward placed his hand over mine on the table, igniting a spark in my own hand. Nobody had really touched me for years, and it was shocking and made my heart beat faster.

I stared down at his hand atop mine for a bit before speaking, "I know I can. I know. I'm just not ready to tell you that yet."

"Alright. Fair enough."

"Fuck, where's Chelsea?" I'd forgotten that I had brought her with me last night, and it seemed Edward had as well judging by the suddenly pale look on his face.

…

**EPOV**

I'd forgotten that she'd brought her dog along. Luckily we found her easy enough, exploring the second floor of my house. Since we were up here I decided to give Bella a tour of the house. It was large. Too large for just one person. Especially someone like me who is alone most of the time.

She didn't comment the whole time. Not until I'd shown her everything.

"It's uh," she said pausing, as if she was contemplating her next words. "It's a nice place."

"Yeah. I know it's not much but…"

"No, no. It's you. It's very… _you_."

I didn't comment. I just enjoyed seeing her inside my house, and how she made it seem more like a home simply by being in it. I watched her look around. I could see the clogs turning in her head.

"What are you thinking," I implored, startling her.

She was quiet a moment before saying, "I was just thinking about how completely opposite we are… I mean," she huffed incredulously. "Your very straight-laced. And… I'm not. My life is dangerous. Every day I wake up knowing I may not wake up tomorrow. And you… _don't_. How could you want to get involved in any way with someone like that? Why would you be friends with the epitome of danger? Of recklessness?"

I pursed my lips thoughtfully. I could see the panic in her eyes, and I knew I needed to respond candidly.

"Bella. How could I not want you in my life? Risks and all? You make me reevaluate my life. This it's okay to let loose sometimes."

She looked uncomfortable standing there after our exchange of words, so it was no surprise that she changed the subject.

She pointed to the wall and asked, "Who are these people?"

"My parents, Carlisle and Esme. They're both doctors, though you wouldn't know it by looking at their everyday clothes." They both wore leather jackets and jeans. Both owned a motorcycle. They made sure to enjoy life. I often wished I could easily do the same. I continued, "My dad is an Intensive Care Specialist, and my mom is an OB/GYN."

"They look familiar," she said all of a sudden after having been quiet for quite some time. She had been staring at the pictures with an odd expression. Much like she was trying to remember something.

…

Even though I had left Jasper's house angry the night before, I called him, asked for his help. I knew I was a bit over my head with Bella. I could only do so much for her. He would be able to help her in ways I probably never could. So I called him to come over and talk with her. She was reluctant at first, but finally allowed it.

I don't know what they talked about. They had shut themselves in my office to talk, and I had no desire to eavesdrop. If she wanted to tell me she would do it in her own time.

A couple hours later they emerged from the office. Bella's eyes were puffy and red from crying. But somehow she looked lighter now than I'd ever seen her before.

"How'd it go?" I inquired.

"Good," Jasper spoke. He turned to Bella, gave her a smile and said, "Call me when you're ready."

She nodded, and walked to the bathroom.

"Thanks, Jas."

He didn't speak, just looked at me.

"I get it now," he finally said.

And then he left with a pat on my shoulder, and a nod of the head. I knew we were cool again, last night already forgotten.

Ten minutes later Bella walked back into the room, looking fresher than when she went into the bathroom. She shyly stood at the end of the hallway, her hands tugging on her shirt hem.

"You okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah."

"Bella, I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you if you ever need me, okay?"

"Okay."

"Alright, you ready to go?"

"Yep."

I followed behind Bella in my car to her condo. She needed to feed Chelsea, and we needed to talk about what she was going to do next. But when we got there Bella exited her car with her pistol drawn and Chelsea right at her heels. I couldn't figure out why, until I looked at her front door and saw her front door ajar.

Quickly and quietly I made my way over to her, panicked now. She waved me behind her and I obeyed right away. My adrenaline raged as I followed her closely. Slowly, she pushed open the door, peeking in tentatively. Taking a hand off her gun she snapped her fingers and Chelsea shot into the house. Bella followed a bit slower, and I trailed behind.

What I saw inside shocked me. The place was an absolute wreck. Nothing was where it belonged. Once Bella had made sure there was nobody inside she started shuffling through things, making an even bigger mess. She mumbled under her breath, more than a few curse words escaping.

"What are you looking for?" I asked when I noticed that she was getting extremely irritated.

"Papers," she snapped.

"What kind of papers, maybe I can help."

At that point she slammed her hands down onto the desk in the office we were in. "FUCK," she screamed.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"They're missing."

"What is?"

"The papers. The ones with names on it. I had written down a bunch of names of who I thought was involved in the fire all those years ago, and now they're gone. Just fucking gone."

She looked panicked, pulling relentlessly on her hair.

"It's okay," I said trying to sooth her.

"It's not okay, Edward."

"Well, what does this mean then?"

"Means I was on the right track…"

…

**BPOV**

Edward helped me clean up the mess. I mostly swore aloud to whoever did this. I was beyond pissed because without those papers I had nothing and would have to start all over again. I hadn't memorized the information I had written down. Hadn't thought I'd need to. I didn't know what to do, but I did know that I needed to be careful because they were aware I was on to them. Hopefully they'd come to me since I couldn't go to them. Question was, how could I possibly bait them?

Every now and again I'd hear Edward chuckle after one of my particularly long chains of cuss words. I hated to admit it, but it really did lighten my mood somewhat.

Later tonight Jasper would be coming over, along with Edward and my family, to help us all through what we haven't been able to do for four years now - heal. We all needed his professional advice, but me especially. In our talk earlier in the day he stressed over and over the importance of my family being involved. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I knew it was what was best for everybody. I just had to remember that I was the one asking for help, and to keep an open mind.

**LATER**

The meeting with Jasper was over, everyone was now just mingling with each other. I could tell that already the pressure had lightened off all their shoulders. Every single person had gotten a chance to express how they felt, and say what they expected to come out of these meetings. We didn't get to anything deep, which was a relief. Jasper just gave us some general advice to start us off, saying he'd give more specific ones in the following sessions.

Jasper was making rounds at the moment, making sure to chat with everybody for a few minutes. He especially got along with Emmett, and I could easily I see him, Em and Edward forming a trio.

But it was his interaction with Alice that puzzled me. There was a different kind of vibe coming from them. Somewhat more intimate than a budding friendship. The way they looked at each other was not at all unfamiliar to me. I could recognize it because there were many pictures of Jake and me looking at the other in the same manor. I hoped for Alice's sake that he wasn't a heartbreaker. She deserved to find her soul mate.

Edward came up beside me, still watching everybody mingle, and said, "How are you feeling about all of this?"

I thought hard about it. How did I feel?

"Relieved…" I replied.

…

**BPOV**

**2 Weeks Later**

There were very few details I could recall from the papers that had been stolen. I asked around about the ones I could remember best, their profiles sticking out the most. By doing this I could only hope that I poked the right bear in the process. I was ready for the conclusion of all this shit.

I hadn't realized how reckless I had been until I walked into my condo one night and a gun was suddenly pressed to the back of my head.

"Give me your gun," the guy ordered.

I cursed under my breath at myself for my idiocy. I started reaching for my weapon when another man stepped in front of me pointing his own weapon.

"Slowly," he warned.

I hadn't planned on actually giving up my weapon, but now I had no choice. I could take out the guy behind me but Guy Two was too far away for me to react fast enough. He'd quickly have the upper hand, and it would all be over before it had even began. I wasn't okay with that, so I did as I was told and handed my gun over slowly. They didn't need to know about the one on my ankle, though, so I kept that one right where it was.

Guy Two went to my kitchen and grabbed a chair, bringing it to the living room.

"Sit," he said as he pointed me to the chair. Guy One shoved me towards it and then proceeded to tie me to it. Lucky for me he was dumb and didn't tie my hands and feet up. Just the top of shoulders and torso. My bulletproof vest was still on from being at work all day. They didn't know it, but they didn't exactly have the upper hand here either.

Neither of the butt-ugly men spoke, they just stood there staring at me for the longest time. I thought about making a move, but I was morbidly curious about where this was all going.

"Tell me," I began. "How did you two end up so ugly?"

"I'm not ugly," said Guy One as if being ugly had never crossed his mind before. He took a threatening step towards me.

Guy Two snarled and pushed his gun painfully to my skull.

"Ouch," I deadpanned. That's when a feminine voice suddenly came from behind us.

"Now, now. Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum, you know better than to go against my orders," she clucked. They quickly took a couple steps back, away from me.

A moment later a woman, flaming red hair, and a biker woman stare, stepped in front of me in her leather jacket, tight as fuck jeans, and fuck-me boots.

"Well-well, look at the trouble you've fallen into now. It's Isabella, right?"

I didn't acknowledge the question, she already knew the answer. You could see it in her smirk.

"I'm Victoria," she said in an almost formal way, as if we were going to be friends one day.

We stared each other down until the door burst open with a _bang!_, startling us all.

Men, wielding guns of their own, practically threw Edward inside, making him trip and fall to his hands and knees on my hard wood floor.

I thought, _fuck, why couldn't he for once just not show up?_

As he stood up I noticed the bruises forming on his face. This was no longer some fucked up game we were playing, this shit just became real and I was beyond fucking pissed. I was so fucking angry that they'd laid a single hand on Edward. It wasn't fucking right, and I would kill them all the second they gave me the opening.

"Oh, look Isabella. It's your boyfriend. You know, I'm stunned that you've moved on so quickly since that awful fire that took your beloved Jacob, and your guys' baby. How do you think Jacob would feel?"

"You FUCKING BITCH," I screamed, my voice cracking from the high pitch. I strained against the rope holding me down on that stupid fucking chair. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"You sure can try, honey, but I don't think you can because I'm just too well protected. So don't flatter yourself."

Without looking away from me she snapped her fingers and the goons tied Edward up right next to me. He groaned in pain from the injuries he'd sustained from their beating earlier, and they certainly weren't being very gentle about tying him up.

This only angered me more. My heart rate was spiking, and my muscles lay tense beneath my skin. I was ready to snap.

"Are you okay?" I asked Edward.

He groaned very softly as he turned his head to look at me and said, "I'm fine."

He was fucking lying, and I was going to fucking kill the ones who dared hurt anymore people in my life. They'd pay for Jacob's and our baby's death. And everything that happened after.

_Fucking today._

* * *

Chapter End Notes:

Two chapters and an epi left. FYI chapter 23 will be revealing EVERYTHING about the little mystery lining the story. I hope it surprises you. Theories?

M.


	23. Chapter 23 Curiosity and the Cat

Well here it is; the big reveal. I know it is short, but I think it explains everything.

Blah, blah, blah the normal disclaimer biz, let's cut to the chase, huh? Enjoy.

***Tissue Warning***

* * *

Chapter 23 - Curiosity And The Cat

Many things had led Jacob Black to make the decisions that he did. His accounting business was struggling to get to its feet. He'd opened the place just before tax season had began. It was so new that most of Jake's clients came from word of mouth and his family and friends. He had made just barely enough to float him through most of the summer.

He knew it would be over soon if he didn't find a way to make money. He couldn't lose his business, he had his wife Bella to take care of.

It was happenstance that he fell into a solution.

An ordinary looking man had come in one day, asking Jake to help him with his finances and to set up savings and investment accounts. Jake happily obliged, but warned the man that he didn't know how much longer he'd be opened. The man asked why, to which he replied that he didn't have enough clientele to cover his overhead.

The man said he knew someone who liked to invest in local businesses, and passed the number on to Jake. He put off calling the investor for as long as he possibly could, but finally gave in when closing permanently was the only other option. Bella was beginning to notice the business' decline, which ultimately pushed him to decide to call. He couldn't fail her.

He was given directions to a bar in downtown Phoenix. It was a Saturday, so the bar was packed to the brim. He ordered himself a rink while he waited for a faceless man. His leg bobbed from nervous energy.

Two scotches later a man sat down in front of him. He was dark skinned and had eyes to match - eyes that had seen things that Jake had no desire to know about.

"You must be Tony Jensen," Jacob began, thrusting his hand forward for him to shake.

Tony shook his hand briskly, and got right down to business. Ultimately, Jacob was given the loan, and Tony would be a silent investor. His business was suddenly thriving, and his home life flourished.

As time went on more and more clients were coming out of the woodwork. Quite a few of them showing up with money that Jake was beginning to find questionable, and he got of course got suspicious like any reputable accountant should.

The trouble started when he started questioning his clients on where they got their money, and the businesses they said it come from.

He was closing up one night and he heard a ruckus in the main lobby area. Cautiously he went to investigate.

From out of nowhere something black was shoved down over his head. It was pitch black for him, and he couldn't see. He struggled to get free from the clutches of unknown men, but it was a futile attempt.

He was thrown haphazardly into a vehicle that sped off soon after he was inside. He asked what was going on, and where they were going.

But whoever had captured him would not speak.

They screeched to a halt, and Jake could hear the car doors opening and shutting. This time they simply guided an unwilling Jacob to their destination. He was sat down in a chair that was quite comfortable, much to his surprise. The hood remained covering his face.

He genuinely feared for his life, and wondered if he'd ever get to see Bella again.

He wasn't sure hold long it was before the hood was finally removed, but he never stopped trying to see through the fabric. With it gone he could see that he was in an office. A lavish one at that.

Jacob was confused when Tony sat behind the mahogany desk in front of him.

"Tony?" Jake asked, showing his confusion.

Tony ignored him and said, "Jacob we are in quite a predicament here. See, I have a problem, and that problem involves you." He steepled his fingers before his chin. "So tell me, how do you think we should fix it?"

Jake didn't know what to say. All he could manage was a stuttered, "I-I."

Tony ignored Jake completely. He knew what he was going to say, and any questions he asked were purely rhetorical.

"If you hadn't asked so many question, Jake, you could be home with your beautiful wife Bella. Bet she's wondering where you are by now. Should we see if she's called?"

One of the goons handed Tony Jake's cell phone. He flipped it open, searching the screen.

"Three missed calls from 'Bells.'"Jake's nostrils flared at his nickname for Bella rolling so crudely from Tony's tongue. He wished more than anything that he could speak to her one last time. He just wanted to hear her sweet voice.

"I invested in your business because I thought you were a man who could keep his head down. Was I wrong, Jake?"

"No," he whispered. But it was too soft for Tony's liking.

His hand slammed down on the desk. "Was I wrong?"

"No! No!" Jake cringed.

"Good."

Tony stood, walked around his desk and moved in front of Jake. His hand shot out to the side which made Jake flinch. Tony laughed evilly at the. A pistol was placed into his waiting palm. He checked the chamber for a bullet. Satisfied, he pointed the barrel right between Jake's eyes, clicking the safety off. Jake behan to sweat, and his mind raced at lightning speed/

"Please," he pleaded.

The gun remained against his head for a minute more while Tony thought. Or rather made it seem as though he were thinking. He never had any intention of killing Jacob.

Not yet at least. He was still useful to him.

Tony handed the gun back to its owner. "Now, you're going to go home to your wife, tell her you love her. Maybe even make love to her. I don't know, I don't care, but you better fucking forget about everything you know, or think you know. Understand?"

"Yes," Jake answered quickly and loudly.

Tony smiled, snapped his fingers, and before Jake knew it he was home again. That night he held tight to Bella as they slept.

The very next day Bella had revealed her pregnancy to him. He silently vowed that he wouldn't take it for granted in light of what he'd learned the night before. He would be at every single appointment along the way. Every single step, he'd be there.

But he couldn't curb his curiosity. He dug for moer information on the internet. There was no record of a Tony Jensen anywhere. His digging caught the attention of Tony again, and this time he was a lucky as last time.

He just didn't expect them to attack him in his own home.

As they tried to escape that fateful night he knew without a doubt he had to get Bella and their unborn son out. He couldn't die knowing that they wouldn't survive. And so he pushed her out the door before him. He was conscious long enough to see Bella fly towards the lawn as he flew back into the house.

And then it was all over…

Word of Jake's continued curiosity had traveled up the chain from Tony's level to the very top where Victoria sat. It was her decision to have him killed. She was satisfied with his death, and she allowed Bella to continue on. But the shootout between James and her brought her back into the light. Victoria wanted revenge for her lover's death - James' death - just like Bella did.

They both would see to it personally.

* * *

I was going to wait for my beta to review the chapter like I always do, but I don't know what is up with her. I submitted this chapter almost 3 weeks ago. So I decided to post over here anyways.

Did this fit anybody's theories?

One last chapter and then the epi next. :( Wow. Can't believe it.

M.


	24. Chapter 24 Dis Repaired This Life

Here it is. The end of the story. All that's left is the epilogue to tie this story to the sequel. I hope this chapter exceeds your expectations. It certainly did shoot past mine.

Many thanks to my beta, Tima83, and all my readers for sticking with me for all this time.

Hang on tight for the ride, and grab your tissues.

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Chapter 24 - Dis Repaired This Life

Sitting there, tied to that fucking chair, I cried. Victoria's account of what had actually happened four years ago broke my heart. The truth almost seemed worse than what I had thought to be true all those years. My heart broke because Jake had gotten caught up in something we probably could have avoided had he just confided in me. And I was angry at him for this.

In the midst of Victoria's speaking night had fully fallen, and the man I knew to be Laurent Dobson, thanks to my earlier questioning, showed up. With his arrival the muscle Victoria had brought to ambush me, and subsequently Edward, left.

That left just the four of us, making my chance ten times better. I was getting antsy for an opportunity to present itself.

I didn't have to wait long, though.

**9:28PM**

The rope around my upper body had loosened from my struggles and the general lack of smarts put into tying me up. I knew it wouldn't take a whole lot of effort to escape it.

"So how should we go about this, Isabella?" Victoria asked. "Should we just get it over with? No. No, that's no fun now is it? How about I torture your boyfriend here first before I torture you too?"

"Leave him out of it," I seethed.

"That's just not possible. See, now he knows too much. He's a liability, and liabilities in my world must be eliminated… Just like your precious Jacob," she spat.

I lurched forward in my chair, momentarily forgetting that I was tied to it. Had it not been for the rope her neck would probably be getting squeezed between my hands. Instead my rage thrust my chair at an odd angle and I crashed to the floor.

Victoria reacted by flinching backwards. Angered now herself she pulled a gun seemingly out of nowhere and pressed it to Edward's head. I froze, and fear instantly swam into his eyes, pooled already with unshed tears.

"You best be careful, Isabella, or your boyfriend here will pay for your mistakes." She caressed his hair, and I don't know what it was about it that sickened me so much, but it made my skin crawl.

Laurent stood idly by, watching on with a smirk. I knew right then that I needed to formulate a plan and implement it immediately.

I needed a distraction of sorts. And like the genius dog Chelsea was she had stayed out of sight this whole time. So I whistled, and hoped like hell that they hadn't known about her.

Vicious and ready to attack she ran into the room barking and snarling. Victoria blanched, and in her shock shot off a bullet.

I stopped moving. I stopped breathing. The world stood still for an agonizingly long split second. The absolute terror on Edward's face as he and I both realized he'd been shot threw my head into a tailspin. The world around me shifted on it axis, and I felt a change within me.

His still loose hands clutched his bleeding stomach, and we locked eyes on each other. In the sudden chaos I knew without a doubt that I couldn't let him die. He'd saved my life too many times. He was too important.

The next instant I kicked my heel onto the wooden foothold on the chair, which shot it out away from me, allowing me to escape from the rope.

The rest was simply a blur.

…

I awoke in a panic, shooting upright from where I'd been lying. I had been dreaming of what happened repeatedly. Always that moment where Edward was shot. Just over and over on a loop.

"Shh," I heard. "It's okay."

I didn't recognize this voice. But as I allowed my mind to take in my surroundings I remembered that I was in the hospital. The source of the voice had come from a woman. She was dressed in scrubs and a doctor's coat. I recognized her from the pictures in Edward's house.

"Just relax," she ordered.

"Where's Edward? Is he okay?"

"He's fine, Isabella," she assured me. "He's in very good hands."

I didn't understand how she could be so calm, and confident. I was freaking the fuck out about it, and I wasn't even related to him. But here stood his mother in my room with a smile on her face.

"How are you so sure?"

"Because he has too much fight in him, dear."

At that moment the door to my room opened and in walked another face I recognized. I remembered him from the pictures as well, but I had seen him before that, in another time. It didn't take me long to fully remember that time. He was my doctor all those years ago. I felt a strong pang in my heart at this.

"How are you feeling, Isabella?" he questioned.

"I'm fine… Please, call me Bella."

"Good… Bella." He smiled - so much like Edward.

"Your doctor will probably release you in a couple hours." I sighed in relief. I was so ready to be out of that damn hospital. I'd had more than enough of the fucker.

Luckily, I had only suffered bruises and cuts, and a couple cracked ribs. They had only kept me overnight because I had also gotten a concussion from the blows I took to the head. I was in far better shape than Edward was. And I absolutely hated that fact. He, of all people, didn't deserve it.

"Not to sound rude or anything, but since neither of you are my doctor why are you here with me instead of Edward?"

They looked to each other for a brief moment, sharing some kind of silent communication, and then Edward's mother said, "We just wanted to say thank you… For saving our son."

I gaped like a fish. "But-but," I stuttered. "Because of me he's been put in danger twice. And this time he almost died! You shouldn't be thanking me, you should despise me."

What was with this fucking family?

"We couldn't hate someone as good as you are." She said it with such emotion and conviction that I almost believed her. But I didn't. I had too much evidence to prove otherwise, so I shook my head and scoffed lightly.

Carlisle spoke up then. "Well, we'll let you get some rest. We just wanted to say thank you. We will forever owe you for this."

I tried to get a response out, but I couldn't find the words. Sensing my fight, I suppose, they left quickly as possible.

Well… Fuck.

…

I was just dozing off again when Emmett came into my room.

"Belly Bean?" he asked softly, as if he was checking to see if I was asleep.

"Em," I acknowledged. I opened my eyes expecting to see the whole clan behind him, so I was surprised when I saw that it was just him. "Where's everybody else?"

"Oh, we decided it'd probably be better if just one of us picked you up."

"Oh. Okay."

I had mixed feelings on this. On one hand I was relieved. Without everyone around at once, trying to cram into these tiny ass hospital rooms, I could relax. But on the other hand, after an event like the day before, it really made me crave the insanity they brought to my life. It was a comfort of sorts, and I was fighting between my old self and my new self.

There was the Bella that existed just a short four years ago, and the Bella that I was today. Old Bella missed her family like crazy, and new Bella fought it. And something about the day before had shaken the two versions of me and made something completely new, a mix of sorts. It'd take me a while to get used to her, that was for sure.

Emmett and I tucked into a show on TV until my doctor came around an hour later with my release papers. I quickly signed them and dressed into my tattered clothes.

"Are you sure you want to wear that Bella?"

"Hmm? Why?"

Emmett hardly hesitated. "You look like shit. And, well, like you killed someone."

"Gee thanks. Well could you go score some scrubs for me then?"

He smiled, always happy to please. "Sure, Belly Bean!"

I'm sure he tried to act like an international spy on a mission.

Dressed in a fresh pair of scrubs we left the room and headed down the hall towards the exit. Emmett's heavy hand rested on my shoulder, tucking me into his side. We were just about to go out the doors when I stopped.

"What's up, Belly Bean?"

The words seemed to be stuck in my throat, though I didn't understand why. "I need to go see him, Em."

I think he understood because he turned us right around and walked to the front desk to ask for his room number.

…

**EPOV**

_I felt the cold metal press into my skull, and I knew what it was even without looking at it. _

_I had just met my maker, and I felt the fear. But it wasn't all for me. No, I feared for the woman tied to the chair next to me that had just toppled over. What if she didn't make it out? What kind of world with this planet be without her in it? I couldn't imagine it. It was too horrifying a thought. Getting out of this situation seemed impossible though. There was a gun to my head and nothing either of us could do to stop Victoria from killing us both. _

_The tears brimmed in my eyes, threatening to spill over, but holding steadfastly. I wouldn't let her see me cry. I needed to be strong for her. _

_Always for her, because in that moment I realized, without a doubt, that I loved her. I loved her with every fiber in my being, and I would die for her. Right here, right now if that is what I took for her to live. _

_I barely heard Victoria warning Bella to be careful, too caught up in my own thoughts. I hated how I'd lived my life. So safe all the time. The world wasn't safe, and nothing I could do would ever change that. With that gun to my head I realized that I hadn't lived at all. My life had been nothing but careful planning for perfection. _

_I vowed right then that if we made it out alive I would be sure to live. Truly live. And I'd do whatever it took to make Bella apart of it. _

_I was snapped out of my thoughts by a high pitched sound. It startled me, but it also startled Victoria. _

_Suddenly there was a loud bang, and an ice cold feeling coated my entire body, and it froze me. There was no pain, but I knew what'd happened. I could feel the warmth leaving my body; a complete contradiction to the feeling inside my body. _

_I looked to Bella, frozen just as I, and watched as a tear fell from her eye. She screamed, as if in pain…_

My eyes flew open, and my breath caught. I could feel the sweat on my forehead dripping into my hair. And then pain. Lots of pain. I groaned, wanting nothing more than for it to end.

I heard a rustling just before a warm hand gripped mine. I looked down at it, tracing it to its owner.

"Bella."

Relief.

"Hey," she said sadly. "You okay? Should I call a doctor in?"

"No. No. Please don't."

Her eyebrows were turned downwards in sadness.

I was just about to ask her what was wrong when she began speaking rapidly.

"I'm so sorry, Edward! I didn't ever mean for you to get hurt. I hate myself for letting it happen. You don't deserve the trouble I've brought into your life. I promise it won't happen again. I swear you'll never see me again, and you can go back to safe life."

I'd had enough. "Bella, stop it. Just stop."

But she just continued. "This is the second time I've put you in serious harm. You shouldn't have stuck around at all after the shooting. I wish you hadn't because then you wouldn't be lying here with a bullet wound!"

"BELLA!"

She shut up immediately, pressing her lips tight together and finally actually looked at me.

"I told you then that fixing you up was the least I could, but I what I failed to mention was that I wasn't going to stop there. I'd take a million more bullets for you just to have gotten the chance to get to know you. And I'll take a million more. I care for you more than you'll ever know, so please stop apologizing and say yes to going on a date with me."

I don't think she was breathing, but I could certainly see the clogs turning in her mind. And then she chuckled the slightest bit, almost in disbelief.

"Yes." 

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Wow. The end. I seriously never thought I'd get to it. Two years is a long time. There were times where I wanted to say screw it and just quit, and then times where I just couldn't stop writing. Thanks from the very bottom of my heart for reading, and going on this emotional journey with me. Through this story I've made a very good friend, and others who I always looked forward to getting to send a reply to their snarky/silly/thoughtful reviews every chapter. I've learned many things from you all, and about myself. You ladies have shared things with me that were, in a few cases, extremely hard to share, and I feel privileged to have been entrusted with them. This story was meant to be cathartic for myself, but ended up being the same for many of you, and that is something I never could have anticipated.

So, thank you for coming on this journey with me. I hope you'll come with me on the next one as we follow Bella and Edward into the sequel **Awakening**.

M.


	25. Chapter 25 Epilogue

Here's the epilogue. It's 962 words. The smallest chapter I have ever written, but I believe I covered all the loose ends. So, please, enjoy this chapter full of hope.

M.

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Epilogue

**BPOV**

There was a time when I'd had everything I ever wanted. Everything I could never have dreamed of having. It was a cruel world that took it away from me. I was terribly bitter about it, and rightfully so. There was so much pain and heartache that could have been avoided. Or maybe, it couldn't have, but here I was today, a widow. And now, just over four years later, I was barely starting to pick up the pieces of my broken life.

Though I'd lost the family I had created I was really beginning to realize, now, that I still had a family here. They have always been here for me, and it was rough going for me to accept their love and support. After four years of feeling like a failure, and like you would do nothing but bring everybody else down with you it was hard to get over the fact.

Fact was, I had no more control over things than the next person. So, I'd make the effort to allow them back in. To open up my walls for them. We all had a lot of work ahead of us. Especially being that I am hardly the only one affected by the loss. They'd suffered, too. I wanted to repair my relationship with all of them. And already my relationship with Emmett was strengthening. Of course it helped that he was so easy going. He didn't dwell on the past, or even the endless possibilities for the future. He simply lived in the moment. It was his attitude on life that I gravitated towards most. I aspired to be more like him. Like my big brother.

Alice and I were still at a bit of odds with each other. I wasn't sure how to fix it, but I knew I would put as much effort as I could to do so.

The rest of the family I just needed to reconnect with. We'd all changed so much over the years that it would take us a while to get reacquainted with one another. It would be tough, I knew that. I also knew that there would come a time where I'd want to say fuck it. I resolved to not let that actually come true.

I was so terrified at what the future could possibly hold that at times I caught myself scaring myself into a panic.

But then Edward would come along and say or do something, as if he knew what I was thinking, and give me that tiniest bit of hope, that, in the end, everything would be okay. I still had my reservations though.

It has been nearly a year since the day Edward had asked me on that date. Throughout that time I have struggled constantly with moving on. It hasn't been easy on me, nor him. I warred with myself about the guilt I felt for giving another man who wasn't Jacob a shot at stealing my heart. And Edward, he only had so much patience, and he'd get frustrated at times with my trepidation to move forward. So then I'd feel so terrible for putting him through all my shit that I'd try to get him to leave me since I couldn't bare to do it myself.

But he seemed to always see through me, and I absolutely fucking hated that. It was extremely uncomfortable when someone could cut right through your armor and confront your very heart and soul. I was learning to accept it. Slowly.

From the backseat of the car came a bark. I turned in my seat on the passenger side to pet her, smiling at her everlasting enthusiasm. I don't know what I would have done without her had she not survived that day. Chelsea was my protector. My best friend because I knew that I could tell her absolutely anything and she wouldn't tell another soul. She was so attuned to my emotions that she could comfort me at a moments notice. I knew I could count on her no matter what, but I feared the day she was old and could no longer live in this world with me.

With Victoria dead and Laurent in prison I was free to move on from the past. But it was certainly no piece of cake. Over the years I had developed a fear of the future, and Jasper did the best he could to help me get over it, but it would take some time.

Edward had been pestering me for months to take him out to learn gun control, and for months I vehemently said no. I knew the power a gun held, and I was afraid of passing that information on to another person. But he'd made a valid point - what if it was life and death, as it had been nearly a year ago? I certainly couldn't say no after that. So here we were, pulling up to a mountain range far away from civilization.

As he and I set up the targets and pistols Chelsea ran around enjoying the open space. After explaining the mechanics of wielding a gun to him we put our ear plugs in and he took his first shot. Once he got comfortable with the varying pistols I had brought with us I'd teach him some disarms, too.

There was no way I could know what the future held, but I did know that my family and Edward would be there. And while I didn't love him yet, I certainly cared very deeply for the man. I thought that one day, maybe, I'd learn to love again.

I also hoped, that one day soon, I'd be able to awaken from this life I'd been living.

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There it is; The End. The sequel is titled **Awakening** so be on the look out for it. The first chapter is already in the works.

I'm so sad to see this story end. It sure has been one hell of a ride. I just want to thank every single one of you who read this story from chapter 1 all the way to this epi. It's more than I ever even thought would happen. And I am so incredibly thankful for this experience. I especially want to thank everyone who reviewed, and especially those who reviewed almost every single chapter, even if all they said was 'good chapter.' It meant a lot to me. And will forever mean a lot to me. I hope to see reviews from all of you in the future, as I tackle the rest of Bella's life in **Awakening.**


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